Hi, I'm new here and this is my first post. I joined because I need closure. It's been over a year since I last cut, and I'm so happy I've made it this far. There is something in me that keeps holding on to cutting, holding on to the idea that it's okay to lash out on myself when I'm angry. I push these feelings aside because I know I'll get over them, but I feel as if I'm not set free from the burden of cutting. I want to be done and rid of this, but I just can't shake it. I'm sorry if this sounds stupid, I don't usually share these kinds of things.. If there is any advice or kind words that can be shared, they would be much appreciated.
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Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist
Needing closure
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NoddaProbBob
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Hi there and welcome to CF!
Congratulations on one year. This is a huge accomplishment and I'm sure it hasn't come easily.
I guess there are a couple things that your post brings to mind for me. I too have felt the same way. I have been self injuring off and on for about nine years now. Just recently I have started to explore why I refused to give it up and I realize that it has deeper roots than I originally thought. The burden that you describe is something that may never go away. It depends on how you look at it. Do you look at your self injury as a means of coping or survival? or do you view it as something you do because you are "bad"? This is likely the foundation for your feelings of burden.
I'm still struggling with this myself. I have a therapist who keeps consistently telling me that it was a means of survival. That we, as humans, do what we have to do either on the conscious or subconscious level, to survive the emotional pain and trauma that we are going through at that time. I'm starting to believe it, but it's hard to change our thought patterns and processes, especially when they have been that way for a long time.
I understand what you mean when you say that there is a part of you still holding onto the self injury and thinking that it's ok. It really helped me to look at it from the addicts perspective. Generally, addicts make rationalizations and justifications for their addictive behavior, and I wonder if the part of you that continues to see self injury as "ok", is struggling with this mentality. I know I have. I have found so many ways to justify my behavior. But the fact is, that it's considered a maladaptive coping skill. We were not meant to do this to ourselves. But just as any other species adapts to their enviornment, so do we. This was how my self injury came into my life. As a means of survival.
You have self injured. Plain and simple, no way around the truth. You can't undo it, but it will eventually become a memory for you. But in releasing that burden, you need to allow yourself to believe that there is a reason why you self injured to begin with, and that it's time to forgive yourself for the offenses committed against yourself.
Just as it is tough to forgive others, it is the same way with forgiving yourself. If you want to release that burden, I think this would be a great place to start. Work on undoing the shame and guilt that you may feel in regards to the self injuring.
It's not simple. I'm still struggling myself. But it really is a day to day process. It's a complex and deep issue to struggle with. Give yourself a break
I hope that helped a bit.
Nod
Congratulations on one year. This is a huge accomplishment and I'm sure it hasn't come easily.
I guess there are a couple things that your post brings to mind for me. I too have felt the same way. I have been self injuring off and on for about nine years now. Just recently I have started to explore why I refused to give it up and I realize that it has deeper roots than I originally thought. The burden that you describe is something that may never go away. It depends on how you look at it. Do you look at your self injury as a means of coping or survival? or do you view it as something you do because you are "bad"? This is likely the foundation for your feelings of burden.
I'm still struggling with this myself. I have a therapist who keeps consistently telling me that it was a means of survival. That we, as humans, do what we have to do either on the conscious or subconscious level, to survive the emotional pain and trauma that we are going through at that time. I'm starting to believe it, but it's hard to change our thought patterns and processes, especially when they have been that way for a long time.
I understand what you mean when you say that there is a part of you still holding onto the self injury and thinking that it's ok. It really helped me to look at it from the addicts perspective. Generally, addicts make rationalizations and justifications for their addictive behavior, and I wonder if the part of you that continues to see self injury as "ok", is struggling with this mentality. I know I have. I have found so many ways to justify my behavior. But the fact is, that it's considered a maladaptive coping skill. We were not meant to do this to ourselves. But just as any other species adapts to their enviornment, so do we. This was how my self injury came into my life. As a means of survival.
You have self injured. Plain and simple, no way around the truth. You can't undo it, but it will eventually become a memory for you. But in releasing that burden, you need to allow yourself to believe that there is a reason why you self injured to begin with, and that it's time to forgive yourself for the offenses committed against yourself.
Just as it is tough to forgive others, it is the same way with forgiving yourself. If you want to release that burden, I think this would be a great place to start. Work on undoing the shame and guilt that you may feel in regards to the self injuring.
It's not simple. I'm still struggling myself. But it really is a day to day process. It's a complex and deep issue to struggle with. Give yourself a break
I hope that helped a bit.
Nod
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I don't know if you have anything to compare this to, but I've noticed that society has become horribly critical. It didn't used to be that way, but now we see slams in media that are not just rude, but downright scalding. It's socially acceptable to condemn.
What I'm thinking, is that if you are hard on yourself, then you fit into that acceptability of their standards. (Whoever "they" is.)
Defining what's okay for our lives is hard for everyone. Finding that core of truth, that grounding can fight against the voices of others. Feeling loved, feeling acceptable, knowing that your life is following some sort of approved path... it's hard to accept that our lives are okay.
Sometimes when I worry about doing things perfectly, I think about people subsistence-living in huts, without any cars or schools or jobs. Just gathering fruit and finding ways to stay warm. In God's eyes, they are doing just fine.
We create a lot of demands on our lives. And then when we get old, we retire and people forget our accomplishments. So it's worth figuring out what we really value -- friendships, warmth, world peace....and keeping that at our core.
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