Need thoughts on not being a "good" enough Christian

[Merlin Athrawes]

I understand. I wouldn't recommend you throw in the towel yet, particularly if there is truly love there as you've said; but unfortunately your situation looks less and less salvageable the more I hear about it, and for that I'm truly sorry. As I said, I had a girlfriend similar to that once, and it's no fun at all. Your gf seems quite rigidly and unthinkingly attached to her system, and at best it'll take a good amount of time before she loosens herself from its grip. If she ever does. Only you can decide how much time you can invest towards that end. If you guys do break up, after whatever time you need to recover you might want to go to a local classifieds or OKCupid or somesuch and put in for a liberal single Christian female in whatever age range you feel comfortable with. Be prepared to drive at least 1 hour and possibly much like you're doing with your current gf. I wish I could tell you more, or indeed feel assured that what I am telling you is in fact helpful. I'm married but I remember what it was like to be single, and when you really want someone to love it's no fun.

 

[rayodeluz]

No apologies are necessary. I can't tell you what to do in regards to your relationship, but maybe this link may help in your discussions with your girlfriend Can Christian Women Be Pastors and Preachers? .

FWIW, one of my favorite pastors is Melissa Scott (gasp, a woman!). She is so good at preaching just the gospel without any judgement added, and it's very sad someone would so close minded that he/she would refuse to listen to her just because of her sex. That person would be losing out on a lot of good teaching.

 

[TreeHouse]

It's funny - for all of my issues I have with misusing scripture or being unnecessarily bound by it, there is one that stands out to me. Galatians 5:14 "For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself."

Due to her past, I cannot help but think she may not have forgiven herself for her history and as such, perhaps that is why she cannot accept anything unless it is immediately written in a format that allows for no interpretations.

For if she cannot love herself, then how can she love anyone else? She is constantly saying how she wishes she were more involved in community outreach and that she could never be as empasssioned to help those in need. I do love her - madly, truly, and without any doubt - but I'm beginning to think it is despite her beliefs, not because of her beliefs, if that makes sense. Which is startling because I started this jjourney on the defenseive to be a better person in her eyes, and I find I now no longer feel as if I am fighting her for acceptance, just allowng we may never agree.

Too often is it that people can love and be loved, yet be incompatible for so many various reasons. Our hearts are yet made vast containers, only to attempt to hold something we can never truly catch. We enjoy brief moments of elation and joy, like a bird soaring on the winds, only to find ourselves struggling to fly furiously just to remain aloft.

 

[Merlin Athrawes]

Most of us love the people we love despite....something, if that something isn't overly destructive to us we learn, out of love, to adjust. I would, however, encourage you to do whatever you reasonably can, to encourage her out of her system, even if it's initially just a not-nearly-as-harsh evangelical congregation. For as long as she stays in her system she won't forgive herself for whatever her history is. They won't support it. They'll pretend to and make a big talk of grace, but their actions and attitudes will tell her differently. Even if she does get out it may, depending on the level or her previous hurt, the guilt and shame she may feel, how specfically they work on her, etc take her months or years to learn how to forgive herself. I know. I grew up fundamentalist similar to her; got out several years ago but even to this day it's hard for me.

 

[Nemo Neem]

I am a devout Christian, but I use reason as a supplement to faith, and I know the Bible is a guidebook, an instructional book on how to live, that is all. God deserves worship.

 

[Radkal]

Yeah i kinda like that - i use the bible as a guidebook kinda but i dont belive its the word of god - it was written by man after all....

 

[TreeHouse]

I wish I could say we all had an open enough mind. I am finding myself trying not to lose some of my own faith watching someone so wrapped up in theirs just walk away from something because I refused to hold the bible as being both literal and infallible. This was on the tail end of being told I wasn't a good match because she couldn't accept my idea of God being Love instead of having to subscribe to the traditional version of God casting us into hell for not believing in Him properly.

Part of me feels like I should be strengthened by this because it illustrates quite succinctly my issues with traditional conservative religion and the exclusivity it promotes, but the other part of me wonders at what cost. I lost something near and dear to me that I truly worked on every day. I traveled 350 miles every other weekend, slept in my vehicle so as not to promote a wrong perception, and accepted that I'd never be more than third string in her life's priorities. I did these things out of love. On that angle, my spiritual awakening of the boundless amounts of love we are able to provide and realize due to being filled by His spirit and grace is amazing.

Alas, my heart will still mourn for this even as I know it is one facet of understanding love in a whole new context. I will now have more time to devote to studies and a better understanding of what it means to walk as Christ walked and help those around me without trepidation or fear.

I'd like to thank everyone again for seeing me through this. The sole fact that I am in fact NOT a bad person or a lesser Christian for not adhering to something I don't believe came from a loving Creator makes me joyful despite my own present sorrows. My sincere thanks and blessings to all of my brothers and sisters under the Son (I always loved that term) for helping me see a loving path is still a good path, hard as it may even be at times. Many thanks and sweet dreams. I will be sure to be more active as there are some great folks here and knowledge is a wonderful thing.

 

[Supernaut]

Awesome post Treehouse. When I was Christian, one of my favorite scriptures were 1Corinthians 13:1-13. Your above post really brings that home.

 

[lux et lex]

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. It's really hard to have a healthy relationship when two people of faith have such opposing views. And it's really hard when you put a lot into a relationship and yet there is this "wall" in your way. I compromised my own values to try to wedge them in to the very stringent values my ex had. For a while I lost myself trying to be a good enough Christian for him to love me. And that's what ultimately led me to break up with him...I was completely lost in him and I needed to get back to being myself. It took him two years to talk to me about our relationship after we broke up, and he felt horrible that he had put me through so much and tried to mold me into who he wanted me to be. We were able to talk rationally with each other. I hope the same happens for you. I don't want to take over your thread by any means, so I'll leave it at that, but feel free to pm me.

 

[TreeHouse]

Oh yes Lux. You are on my list of people to follow up with