Need a little hope.

[jimmyl]

Here is the full story, if you've got some time to kill
http://www.christianforums.com/t7354112/

The short of it is, my wife is leaving me for another guy. She says she never really loved me, and looking back on the last 10 years I have no doubt about it. She says she always felt guilty that she didn't love me the way that I loved her and that she has the right to find someone she can love that way, and that she's found that in this other guy. Furthermore, she is no longer a believer. She says now she believes that God accepts anyone no matter what they do (which is convenient for her).

So anyway, I still love her and she's indifferent to me. I'm depressed and lonely and she's happy and loving life. Any attempt to wake her up to what she is doing and her spiritual need for Christ results in anger and insults. I pray constantly that God will break through to her, but honestly, what will He do if she just refuses to listen? Is there any hope? I know I'm going to hear "Just pick yourself up and move on," and "She's not worth it," and "quit being so pathetic and weak and just get over her," from some people, but what I'd really like to hear is something that gives me hope. I can't imagine that I will ever stop loving her, and as we have 4 kids I'm always going to be in her life, so am I doomed to spend my life loving someone who doesn't care? This is the path of my thoughts after the sun goes down every night.

 

[Autumnleaf]

There is always hope. You might appreciate the legend of Pandora's box.

What is the original story of Pandora's Box? - Yahoo! Answers

What you are going through is hell. Just keep in mind tomorrow is a new day and you never know what will happen. Job lost everything and God restored it all to him. You have lost much, if you are faithful God will reward you for it.

You can pine over that woman for as long as you want/need to. When you are ready to move on you will. There is so much the world has to offer us with God's bountiful blessings. Its the trials we face that bring us closer to God so he can bless us more.

 

[jimmyl]

Thank you for caring, Autumnleaf. My experience for the last year is that every day is the same day, except those days when something even worse is revealed to me. I know there's no real answer except to grit my teeth and wait a couple years for the pain to go away. I wish there was some answer other than, "Here's your hurt. Get used to it, it's going to be with you for awhile." I keep asking, "what can I do?" and the answer I get back is "wait," and I ask again, like someone who is hungry and keeps opening an empty fridge.

 

[MyKidsDaddy]

Job lost everything and God restored it all to him. You have lost much, if you are faithful God will reward you for it.

I don't think Job got his wife and family back. Not sure if he'd want them back anyhow..

 

[jimmyl]

I don't think Job got his wife and family back. Not sure if he'd want them back anyhow..

Well, he got replacements. Also, new camels.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Well, he got replacements. Also, new camels.

He was definitely stylin by the end of it all.

 

[Fairchild]

I am truly sorry for what you're going through, my daughter is going through the same thing at the moment. Going only on what you've written, it sounds to me like your wife may be rationalizing her actions in order to live with the guilt she is no doubt feeling. We found a wonderful article at marriagevine.com entitled "10 Ways to Save a Marriage After an Affair". I don't want to raise false hope for you, but it's worth trying. Praying for you!

 

[noroses4u2c]

I don't think Job got his wife and family back. Not sure if he'd want them back anyhow..

I didn't think Job lost his wife, just his children.

 

[ddisciple]

jimmyl,
i can totally relate to you brother! long story short (i read your long story also), my wife has left me after approx 10 years also (4 and bit of marriage). looking back on my situation, i really wonder if she loved me. in the bible it says that love never fails, and for someone to stop loving would mean that the love wouldnt have been real. i have tried so so many times to get her to reconsider and show love only to be insulted and hurt as well.
she left me once before for faults of both of us. i put my absolute %100 into it to try make our marriage work, but she left me again and took away our kids. She isnt in a relationship with another person as far as im aware. but the original problems in our relationship are still hurting me in that she takes advise and listens to her mother more than she ever took notice of me. (which isnt as bad as cheating, but still very hurtful)

i have been told by friends and family of the story of Job and how he lost everything (except wife) and god payed him back double everything he had. the thing which makes this story hard, is we dont know how long he had to undure, only that it was 39 chapters long. and also he had his wife the whole time
I often pray to god 5 or 6 times a day to open my wife eyes to what she is doing, and to bring her back. i think about how job was payed back bouble what he had, and think i dont want double back, i only want the wife i married back and for us all to live together again as a happy family.

something you might note both job and Hosea prayed a hedge of thorns.
Hosea prayed a hegde of thorns around gomer to bind satan and place a hadge of thorns around her (Gomer his wife) so that anyone with the wrong intentions would loose interest and leave. He prayed that under the command of god that therefore what god hath joined together let no man put asunder.
All Gomers lovers lost interest in her, and she ended up chasing them but wasnt able to find them. she eventually said to herself that its worse now that what it was with my husband i shall return to him.

i can totally relate to you and your opening the fridge scenario, your hungry and you open it to find nothing inside.
i often whonder why after all the good things i did for her and all the praying for years i did for god to rerstore my marriage that it all went the other way. i guess i feel like im living a borrowed life, because i sure dont know why im here or how to do anything whist im in this stuck position.
The feeling of loneliness is extreme and the depression always present. theres just no way out, and that i always find ringing in my ears (theres no way out of this situation, i just have to wait for god to do his thing). you would think that god would help you out of such a situation and wouldnt let you be tested to such an extreme.
i guess thats what faith is isnt it, just trusting that it really is for the good of those who love the lord.

praying for you mate!

As long as you have god on your side who can be against you?
Keep praying and be hopeful, your not alone in your situation

 

[HuntingMan]

jimmyl,
i can totally relate to you brother! long story short (i read your long story also), my wife has left me after approx 10 years also (4 and bit of marriage). looking back on my situation, i really wonder if she loved me. in the bible it says that love never fails, and for someone to stop loving would mean that the love wouldnt have been real.

Thats not true, d.
If the spouse we love is abusive and cheats and treats us like crap it is VERY likely that we will end up not loving them at some point.
I think youre taking that passage to a bit of an extreme.

Hosea prayed a hegde of thorns around gomer to bind satan and place a hadge of thorns around her (Gomer his wife) so that anyone with the wrong intentions would loose interest and leave. He prayed that under the command of god that therefore what god hath joined together let no man put asunder.
All Gomers lovers lost interest in her, and she ended up chasing them but wasnt able to find them. she eventually said to herself that its worse now that what it was with my husband i shall return to him.

uh, Hosea was a prophet of God whom God INSTRUCTED TO marry a woman of harlotries, friend.
The details of that marriage ONLY apply to THAT marriage and no other unless God Himself has instructed the person TO marry a cheating spouse.
God was working very actively in that marriage for a reason and to show a point. It wasnt just some random events in a marriage.

 

[savitri]

To Jimmyl....my husband is currently doing the same to me. Excuses excuses and carries on a happy little life while I am left behind to pick up the pieces. Today...asap.....get the book Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. There is no guarantee it will save your marriage but it could quite possibly be the only chance you have. His writings just make sense and totally apply to my situation. You must make your wife feel you are somewhat indifferent to the situation. You must make her think you are ready to move on without her. I know that is not how you feel and probably goes against the nature of what you want to do but trust me.....you have to pull back to give her room to breath.....get the book...I hope it helps.....I am trying to practice what James talks about...some days I succeed, some days I fail..

Take care...

 

[savedbygracebre]

Hey brother sorry to hear about your current predicament. I'm kinda in a rut myself as I said before- you know, when divorce actually starts sounding like a viable option-when you have two young children-things are getting bad! It's me wanting it, but like I said everyday it's a new battle. Honestly, when I'm at my wits end the only place to turn is God's Word. He'll tell you what you need to hear and provide the courage to persevere and the strength for the battle. Also, for the one's who
said they couldn't understand why God was not doing more to restore their marriage, how do they no that maybe it is God's will that things are the way they are for a reason? Search the scriptures for your answers. For that matter, maybe God is testing me in my marriage-how do I know:
Romans 8:28- And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

OP - happened to me several years ago. but then i met my current wife and have never looked back.

 

[JohnDB]

From all the replies I am hearing...arrrrgggghhhh

You all are breaking my heart here. I am not being facetious...only sincere.

There is a reason God says, "I hate divorce". Mostly because of the pain and damage that it inflicts upon us. I hate it too with a real passion. I hate how those with caloused hearts that mean so much to us think that somehow they have a right to rip our hearts in half and leave us for the emotional dead. I hate how we who have been divorced and are bleeding all over the place emotionally have to somehow find the courage and strength to continue on with life...mostly because our children need us to...their world has just been turned completely upside down. They are now in the mode of questioning if the love their parents have for them will one day mysteriosly end as mommy and daddy's love for each other has.

As far as God is concerned there isn't much you are able to do to get your spouses to stop leaving you. Let them leave. The legal crap that you are about to embark upon I don't have much advice except to make sure that you get plenty of visitation rights to the kids...as much and as often as possible. Do not let them ever wonder for a second as to your love for them. Do not get into a battle over primary and secondary custody...especially if you can get a joint/split custody...go for that if at all possible. (That way there is no child support payments to fight over later)
The whole thing is not to fight if possible. Granted there is going to be some...let the other have whatever junk they want and share the debts as well as the retirement accounts.

I am here to tell you that the one that is the most righteous in the divorce will end up like Jacob. Jacob had cheated his brother out of the blessing...Esau got to keep the money (the sheep and livestock) but Jacob got the blessing. And when Jacob returned he was far richer than Esau ever dreamed of being in livestock, sheep, and family. God can and will do the same for you. She may be taking you for a ride at the moment...but in a few years God can and will restore you with the things that you want most. Loved ones and family usually being what us real Christians value the most.

Making God's grace to be something cheap and practically liscense to do what we want to do is a very telling attitude of someone who has no relationship with God...and He has ways of making that fact very clear.

I have personally witnessed many people after a divorce finding out this very thing so many times...

IN my own life I now have been restored with a lot. My ex however has been plagued with her own wants and fears to such an extreme I often wonder how she continues on in life. I wonder how she has remained employed and/or out of jail. I don't look for her to remain as she is now much longer at all. I do expect full custody of my son eventually for her incarceration because of her wants and fears getting the best of her.
My son has already asked to stop going to church with his mother and only go with me every Sunday...and it is for good reasons.

To those of you that are really hurting now. I am here to tell you that God is watching...He is your Daddy who says, "Vengence is mine, I will repay". Granted He is slow about this in our eyes...but his vengence slowly grinds the others so finely...there will be no trace of them left when He gets finished. You on the other hand will be granted a full and meaningful life for the torture they have inflicted on you.

 

[savedbygracebre]

Great post JohnB! Man I think now it's just me and my emotions surging. There hasn't been love in my marriage for so long I can't even remember. It seems like our greatest struggle is being together without getting in a fight. Heck even tonight we got into it by phone and I'm at work. However, this wasn't my thread so I'll stop here. God Bless.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Here is the full story, if you've got some time to kill
http://www.christianforums.com/t7354112/

The short of it is, my wife is leaving me for another guy. She says she never really loved me, and looking back on the last 10 years I have no doubt about it. She says she always felt guilty that she didn't love me the way that I loved her and that she has the right to find someone she can love that way, and that she's found that in this other guy. Furthermore, she is no longer a believer. She says now she believes that God accepts anyone no matter what they do (which is convenient for her).

So anyway, I still love her and she's indifferent to me. I'm depressed and lonely and she's happy and loving life. Any attempt to wake her up to what she is doing and her spiritual need for Christ results in anger and insults. I pray constantly that God will break through to her, but honestly, what will He do if she just refuses to listen? Is there any hope? I know I'm going to hear "Just pick yourself up and move on," and "She's not worth it," and "quit being so pathetic and weak and just get over her," from some people, but what I'd really like to hear is something that gives me hope. I can't imagine that I will ever stop loving her, and as we have 4 kids I'm always going to be in her life, so am I doomed to spend my life loving someone who doesn't care? This is the path of my thoughts after the sun goes down every night.

Jimmy,
There are three possible outcomes, which should both bring you peace in the end. First, God could give you a perspective that enables you to have such peace in Him, that your thoughts toward your wife are only of sadness for her. Sadness because she doesn't know that sweet peace that you can have in Him. Second, she could come to her senses and be restored to you. Third, you could heal and find love from a woman who really does love you. All of those scenarios end up good for you. The sadness, lonliness, hurt, and anger, will pass if you keep focusing on the truth of Christ.

 

[chvysb383]

Hey there, If ya want to talk about it you can message me. I am a year and a half out from the same story. My ex started seeing this guy a year before that. It has been a long road. Biggest thing I can say is this, I am only alive through the grace of God. I had no where else to turn. I wished that God would turn her heart, but He lets us be ourselves.
My ex and I were married for eight years. At the end she told me that she didn't ever love me, but stayed because I treated her better than anyone else had. I know that she is my other half. I knew that she was not a whole person, when we got together. But I loved her and still do. The marriage is modeled after the life with Christ. It is up to the husband to love his wife through all things. We loved Christ because He first loved us. So I am trying to continue loving her(really it has little to do with trying, and more to do with being connected), I don't know if it will do a bit of good. I have turned quite bitter about it. I used to feel guilty, but the stories in the old testament have given me some hope. God loved Israel dearly, yet when they hardened their hearts, he turned His back to them. Not because He stopped loving, but rather because He wasn't going to be a door mat...which I was for years.
I have tried dating, my heart still belongs to her. I live in a very small town, where I see her almost daily. Not a happy thing. I have a daughter with her, so I can't run away(the next big town is over 100 miles from here) Her choice in the new guy is a criminal, guilty of murder for hire, meth charges, and general theft. He is a known con artist and a liar.He was reformed, and gave his life to Christ. He was the assistant preacher at the church. He told my wife that it was God's will that she divorce me and marry him. Since then he has been thrown out of the church(he tried to sell the church building) and is now facing charges for stealing money from the church. I think my ex is on meth...can't prove it.
There is at least one big thing that can be pulled from this mess. As much as I love her, God loves me more. When I stray into the corruption of life, He is hurt just as bad. God loves us and wants the very best for us, when we turn and go our own way, He watches silently as we destroy ourselves and those around us. But He will not have us unless we honestly want Him.

 

[Digit]

Here is the full story, if you've got some time to kill
http://www.christianforums.com/t7354112/

The short of it is, my wife is leaving me for another guy. She says she never really loved me, and looking back on the last 10 years I have no doubt about it. She says she always felt guilty that she didn't love me the way that I loved her and that she has the right to find someone she can love that way, and that she's found that in this other guy. Furthermore, she is no longer a believer. She says now she believes that God accepts anyone no matter what they do (which is convenient for her).

So anyway, I still love her and she's indifferent to me. I'm depressed and lonely and she's happy and loving life. Any attempt to wake her up to what she is doing and her spiritual need for Christ results in anger and insults. I pray constantly that God will break through to her, but honestly, what will He do if she just refuses to listen? Is there any hope? I know I'm going to hear "Just pick yourself up and move on," and "She's not worth it," and "quit being so pathetic and weak and just get over her," from some people, but what I'd really like to hear is something that gives me hope. I can't imagine that I will ever stop loving her, and as we have 4 kids I'm always going to be in her life, so am I doomed to spend my life loving someone who doesn't care? This is the path of my thoughts after the sun goes down every night.

I posted on your other thread. I didn't know she is leaving you for another man, though I fear my marriage is heading the same way as yours. The part where you mentioned she is not a believer anymore, which is very convenient, is the next bit of information I'm waiting to hear from my wife, as that will put her in the clear since no God, no problems - apparently.

I think you need counseling, there are some serious issues with your wife, in that she seems totally indifferent to this behavior, has forsaken God and her commitment to you and seems to not even mention the impact on the children you have raised with her. I'm truly sorry, if you need a friendly ear feel free to pm me, as we seem to share the same boat, riddled with holes.

 

[ShainaBrina]

From all the replies I am hearing...arrrrgggghhhh

You all are breaking my heart here. I am not being facetious...only sincere.

There is a reason God says, "I hate divorce". Mostly because of the pain and damage that it inflicts upon us. I hate it too with a real passion. I hate how those with caloused hearts that mean so much to us think that somehow they have a right to rip our hearts in half and leave us for the emotional dead. I hate how we who have been divorced and are bleeding all over the place emotionally have to somehow find the courage and strength to continue on with life...mostly because our children need us to...their world has just been turned completely upside down. They are now in the mode of questioning if the love their parents have for them will one day mysteriosly end as mommy and daddy's love for each other has.

As far as God is concerned there isn't much you are able to do to get your spouses to stop leaving you. Let them leave. The legal crap that you are about to embark upon I don't have much advice except to make sure that you get plenty of visitation rights to the kids...as much and as often as possible. Do not let them ever wonder for a second as to your love for them. Do not get into a battle over primary and secondary custody...especially if you can get a joint/split custody...go for that if at all possible. (That way there is no child support payments to fight over later)
The whole thing is not to fight if possible. Granted there is going to be some...let the other have whatever junk they want and share the debts as well as the retirement accounts.

I am here to tell you that the one that is the most righteous in the divorce will end up like Jacob. Jacob had cheated his brother out of the blessing...Esau got to keep the money (the sheep and livestock) but Jacob got the blessing. And when Jacob returned he was far richer than Esau ever dreamed of being in livestock, sheep, and family. God can and will do the same for you. She may be taking you for a ride at the moment...but in a few years God can and will restore you with the things that you want most. Loved ones and family usually being what us real Christians value the most.

Making God's grace to be something cheap and practically liscense to do what we want to do is a very telling attitude of someone who has no relationship with God...and He has ways of making that fact very clear.

I have personally witnessed many people after a divorce finding out this very thing so many times...

IN my own life I now have been restored with a lot. My ex however has been plagued with her own wants and fears to such an extreme I often wonder how she continues on in life. I wonder how she has remained employed and/or out of jail. I don't look for her to remain as she is now much longer at all. I do expect full custody of my son eventually for her incarceration because of her wants and fears getting the best of her.
My son has already asked to stop going to church with his mother and only go with me every Sunday...and it is for good reasons.

To those of you that are really hurting now. I am here to tell you that God is watching...He is your Daddy who says, "Vengence is mine, I will repay". Granted He is slow about this in our eyes...but his vengence slowly grinds the others so finely...there will be no trace of them left when He gets finished. You on the other hand will be granted a full and meaningful life for the torture they have inflicted on you.

The God'll get ya thing is OT thinking. God is merciful. At worst God will allow a situation that will bring her to her knees so that she turns to Him. God doesn't grind our ex-spouses into dust to get even for their bad behaviour... God loves them too. He wants all of us to be in saving relationship with Him. If they repent of their sins, He is faithful to forgive them.

Our attitude is to be one of forgiveness. We should pray blessings on our exes. Asking God to draw them closer to Himself and for our own healing.

 

[Test All Things2]

Hello:

SAME STORY...25 years of marriage. Wife claims she is married to Jesus now and Jesus wants her all to himself. That DOES NOT sound like the Jesus I know.

How about that? It makes me feel ill thinking about her saying such a thing. Claims to be Christian, but when it comes to loving one another or mercy or grace or forgiveness............???????

And claims to completely LOVE living alone and away from me.

But her friend tells me she is not as happy as she tries to project, and the few brief moments I see or talk to her every now and then I would agree she does not appear anything close to being "peaceful" (in my oppinion). She is so bitter she even looks physically different to me now. People desribe her as "HARD" and by that mean she is set upon this course of proving herself and her choices before everyone as being right.

I know how you guys (and affected ladies) feel. I have felt like my guts and heart were being pulled out of my body at points, and it still comes and goes (the heart rending emotions). I have spent alot of time crying face down asking God what I did to deserve this treatment from her. I always had her best interests in heart in what I said or did that lead up to this separation.

I believe that my wife does however still love me deep inside herself, but there has been an issue that has become a wedge (issue) between us with her spiritual practices that I do not approve of. I have left her alone about this stuff for years, but five months ago I spoke out against her involving members of our church in her pagan beliefs and practices. This was the excuse she used to leave me. She said I had humiliated her in front of her friends in the church, and she was done with me because of that. She has pridefully chosen to ignore and abandon the love we hold in common and embrace life apart from each other.

I think my wife just took advantage of some circumstances (real poor ones at that) that gave her a lame excuse to leave. She possibly thinks the grass is greener over there on the other side of the fence. I feel that maybe she thinks she might find someone classier (and with more money) than me through all this, but she doesn't realize how much I truly love and care for her, and what she will lose in the end. I asked her to tell me if she didn't love me anymore, and she could not say it directly to me. She went off on all kinds of detours such as "I think that you think I am not the woman you really want" ???? What kind of answer is that? Looking for excuses sounds a little more appropriate.

I have a large investment of my life (25 years) in loving her. Being without her feels like part of me has gone sorely missing. My life is definetly temporarily affected in ways I do not like, but I am gradually adjusting and getting stronger day by day without her company. It is not an easy thing to change such deep feelings for somebody, or to be removed from someone that close and not suffer much pain. It will take time to heal from this, and the ugly part is knowing that process is or will be slow in coming. I Ask God for the patience and strength to get through this all.

God did clearly reveal that she does love me in spite of what she says or is doing (the abandonment). So I ask God to reveal the truth in her heart about the love we have for each other. She is denying this to herself and to me, but I know better now. The big question is will the other part (rebellious) stay in control and ruin our marriage as it appears to be happening lately? I pray for the Holy Spirit to give her godly counsel and be our marriage counselor in her heart, mind and conscience. Hoping that the Wonderful Counselor can succeed where we all fail. I ask him to bring his ministry to her everyday, and remove the excuses she trys to use against reconciling with me.

So for the time being I continue to pray alot for her, and sometimes that may be 3 hours or more a day. I constantly ask God to bring her all godly wisdom and knowledge, and for him to reveal all the sin and evil in her life to her in a way she understands. I Ask God to manifest the Holy Spirit within her to minister truth to her, and make her aware of her needs before God. I ask God to break her in her spirit and take her to the foot of his cross.

The bottom line is I don't think my wife has truly been born of the Spirit of God. She does believe in God, but does not live or behave as you would expect a Christian to. So I keep asking God to save and deliver her from her sins. That first requires her becoming aware of those sins, so I ask God to make her aware of all the things in her life that are sinful and need to be changed. I also ask him to provide the strength for her to do what is righteous before God, and give her a graceful exit from her life of sin.

My wife is literally in rebellion against me (her husband) and also against God (whether she would ever realize or admit to it). So as a result of that...I also ask God to bring his tough love (discipline and correction) upon her, and that there would be consequences for her sinful behaviours. I ask him that these "consequences would bear witness and testimony against her." I hope that might help her to get her perspective(s) straightened out. I ask these things of God with the spiritual authority I have over her as her husband (as we are still married).

This is what I am trying in my prayers. Will see how it works, but I have an idea she won't be liking what is coming her way. I had already asked God to compell her to reveal her sins with her own mouth (through the spirit of truth) to her friends as the has been some confusion spread around (about who did or said what). God has answered some of those prayers already. Comments from those around her have confirmed this prayer(s) have found her indeed exposing her sins to those around her. I also ask God to use her Christian friends to bring gentle rebuke and godly discipline to her regarding her ungodly behaviours (in a spirit of love of course).

As people understand her problems more they can direct their prayers for her much better. Alot of the blame or fault of her leaving me was being blamed directly on me and a poorly conncocted theory of why she felt I wasn't showing her enough unconditional love.

Most everbody fell for this story initially, but that is changing finally after me getting to bear brunt of it for quite awhile. Peole are finally seeing her story doesn't hold any water so to speak. She has fallen away from church alot too and rarely attends if at all, and her spiritual life is in rapid decay now. A tragedy in the making if she doesn't get turned around soon.

On the other hand God has been keeping me, and even blessing me in many ways since this started. I will start a new job soon that will be an adventure of sorts that I have wanted to do all my life. So my pining over her will be greatly reduced just because I will be so busy, and doing something that will really engage me and my time (life). This whole job thing really seems to make her mad for some reason.

One thing I did to keep my own sanity was to start taking ballroom dance lessons. I have always wanted to know how to really dance, and now finally I am indeed learning. This was a real challenge at my age, but that is a good positive thing for me right now. Doing this has taken my mind off of the emotional pain I have been going through enough to restore balance in my life. Oh and by the way...I have been having fun! That element of doing something that helps to counteract even some of the heartbreak I have been feeling is priceless to me right now.

Things are really turning better for me, but for her I know there is much pain and anguish ahead. She is not doing the right things, and there will certainly be a cost for that, and I think deep down she knows it is coming towards her soon. She is so stubborn...one that has to learn "the hard way." And so she shall have it.

Take heart my brothers and sisters for God keeps us in his very hand. He will not let us down. Just keep crying out to him in your times of need. He is there with us. Ask him to feel his presence and comfort with you. and stick close to the Christian brothers and sisters in your church. Let there love give you support. That is what helps me greatly.