My wife feels rejected

[CounselorForChrist]

Not trying to sound like a meany but do you have evidence of that? If its true then I'm not sure why that would matter anyways. It does seem to help people, so regardless of its origins it does help. It doesn't mean obviously every couple it will work for. Some things can't solve some problems in marriage.

Most of what we watch, do...etc is not christian based, but we still do it anyways. Forums were nor made by christians neither were pcs or cell phones and so on. Assuming that was the point you were trying to make.

 

[Audiomechanic]

This argument is probably not helping the OP any.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Not trying to sound like a meany but do you have evidence of that? If its true then I'm not sure why that would matter anyways. It does seem to help people, so regardless of its origins it does help. It doesn't mean obviously every couple it will work for. Some things can't solve some problems in marriage.

A simple web search shows what it was lifted from. But if it doesn't matter, then why do you need evidence?

Most of what we watch, do...etc is not christian based, but we still do it anyways. Forums were nor made by christians neither were pcs or cell phones and so on. Assuming that was the point you were trying to make.

If somebody were to come out with a cellphone tomorrow that was a "Christian cell phone" or a "Christian PC" then claim that they invented cell phones and PCs simply because they slapped the Christian label on it, I'd take issue too. I don't appreciate having my faith exploited to make people rich.

It's a highly superficial book that makes money off of Christians by turning mainstream psychology into a "Christian philosophy." That's all I'll say on it.

 

[Inkachu]

She told me that she has long suspected that i loved her but was not "in love". She said she felt i was not attracted to her physically, that i did not consider her "beautiful", and that this was the source of our differing libidos. I was gob smacked. To a degree she is correct. Physical attraction has been an issue. However i am very much attracted to the person she is and to a myriad of little things about her. I value the passion our love making used to have and miss it. She says she has boxed away that part of her as she cant bare the thought that i am simply living a lie. She feels hurt and doesnt want to be hurt again.

So i am at a loss how to proceed. I love her deeply and am committed to us. I had hoped after so many years together that physical attraction would no longer be so important. It appears i was wrong.

TELL HER this stuff. Guys are infamous for saying they aren't mind readers, and that women need to spell stuff out for them. Sometimes it goes both ways! She can't read your mind. The world is telling her a thousand times a day through TV, movies, magazines, even the way other women act around her, that she's not young enough, thin enough, or sexy enough, and she never will be. Are you being the voice of truth for her in this regard? Are you, as her husband, filling her mind with your love and desire for her? Have you ever just come right out and said "You are the ONLY woman I have eyes for, and you are the only one I ever want. I love you, only you, and I will never, ever stop."

Women know how important sex is to (most) men. When a husband stops chasing us and pawing us and making us feel wanted 24/7 like you do when you're dating or newlyweds, we start to wonder why. "Why doesn't he want me like he used to?" It's a valid question. But most of the time, we can be reassured with a sincere, tender, face-to-face declaration of love, faithfulness, and the promise that you DO still find us beautiful and sexy. Sex can wane for all sorts of reasons; it's the underlying LOVE that needs to be reaffirmed. Sex comes and goes; love remains forever.

And this is something you need to continue throughout your marriage. Insecurity is a disease that has to be prevented; once it strikes, it's very hard to get rid of. So if you can fill her head and heart with affirming words and actions, you'll be on the right track. Every day, pull her aside, stare seriously into her eyes, and tell her that she's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and kiss her for at least five seconds. If that doesn't touch her heart, I don't know what will! And be creative, change it up a little, leave a card on her pillow telling her how much you adore her, surprise her with a candlelit massage one night in the bedroom (even if no sex results from it), let her catch you staring hungrily at her from across the room now and then (oo la la!).

Best wishes The world's voice can be loud and harsh when it's telling us ladies we're never pretty enough, but believe me, the voice of our husbands is SO much louder. You have an extreme amount of influence on your wife's mind and heart. Use it!

 

[Inkachu]

We've had our first counseling session. It was very stressful. After acquainting herself with our backgrounds, the Councillor got straight into it. My wife shared that not only does she feel rejected by me, she feels humiliated and betrayed. She is convinced that i have been false through all our years together. What were once happy memories she now views as lies. Apart from the pain this causes, it makes me angry. How can she write off years of a great relationship like that? Its as if she's replaced rose colored glasses with blackout shades. Neither is reality.

If she's going through another bout of depression (and it sounds like she is) then her point of view is going to be all skewed on just about everything in the world. Don't take all this too personally, please. Chances are, her current state of mind is coloring her recollection of the past and making it seem false when it wasn't. Try not to be angry with her; she needs sympathy, patience, and a fresh dose of your marital vow to love and honor her through better and worse.

 

[anunbeliever]

"Why doesn't he want me like he used to?" It's a valid question.

People get older. A guy in his 30s/40s has less testosterone than a teenager. Plus the pressures of work, kids, life in general can take the wind out of your sails.

But most of the time, we can be reassured with a sincere, tender, face-to-face declaration of love, faithfulness, and the promise that you DO still find us beautiful and sexy.

These are two separate things. A man can be full of love for his wife and very much enjoy making love. Whilst, at the same time, not consider her "beautiful". Not everyone is. I know i'm not. I'm as ugly as old boot leather and if my wife said anything to the contrary i'd scold her for lying! I know she loves me and for us, physical appearance don't matter.

The people in this world are so caught up in wanting to be thought of as "beautiful". Its shallow and unrealistic. The deep love and commitment that grows through years of marriage should displace the newlywed giddiness prevalent in the early years.

 

[Inkachu]

People get older. A guy in his 30s/40s has less testosterone than a teenager. Plus the pressures of work, kids, life in general can take the wind out of your sails.

Well, I wasn't looking for a response to myself personally... just saying it's a common question for people to ponder as they age

These are two separate things. A man can be full of love for his wife and very much enjoy making love. Whilst, at the same time, not consider her "beautiful". Not everyone is. I know i'm not. I'm as ugly as old boot leather and if my wife said anything to the contrary i'd scold her for lying! I know she loves me and for us, physical appearance don't matter.

The people in this world are so caught up in wanting to be thought of as "beautiful". Its shallow and unrealistic. The deep love and commitment that grows through years of marriage should displace the newlywed giddiness prevalent in the early years.

I think peoples' definition of "beauty" can sometimes be too narrow. Beauty doesn't JUST refer to physical appearance. Beauty can be found in expressions, mannerisms, attitudes, actions. My husband is no GQ model, but he's handsome, beautiful, adorable, desirable, and every other appealing thing to me. It's not just based on his facial features or his body dimensions, it's the whole of who he is as a man. I think the world would be a kinder, sweeter place if we'd recognize and celebrate the beauty of a person rather than just their most shallow surface qualities.

A bit philosophical perhaps, but that's what I meant by "beautiful" in my earlier post.

 

[J0hnSm1th]

Beauty doesn't JUST refer to physical appearance. Beauty can be found in expressions, mannerisms, attitudes, actions. I think the world would be a kinder, sweeter place if we'd recognize and celebrate the beauty of a person rather than just their most shallow surface qualities.

This is exactly what i've been trying to express to her. I have made the mistake of not saying this often enough over the years. However its always the way ive felt about her. Now when i try an say such things, she says that these are not "physical", therefore not sexual attraction. I'm striving to help her understand that the way she thinks and feels is not the same way i thing and feel, and that difference does not make my feelings any less real.

 

[Luther073082]

This is exactly what i've been trying to express to her. I have made the mistake of not saying this often enough over the years. However its always the way ive felt about her. Now when i try an say such things, she says that these are not "physical", therefore not sexual attraction. I'm striving to help her understand that the way she thinks and feels is not the same way i thing and feel, and that difference does not make my feelings any less real.

How often do you tell her you love her?

How often do you do special things for her, just cause. It doesn't have to be anything big. Bring her a little gift, just cause. . . take care of one of her chores, just cause. . . get her flowers, just cause.

If she'll allow you, rub her back, just cause. Give her a non sexual kiss. . . just cause.

She says she's not feeling the love from you. My question is how often are you showing her you love her? How often are you saying it?

Not expecting that it will be a cure-all. . . but it's a good start.

If I where you I wouldn't start with gifts though. I'd maybe start by doing one of her chores around the house. The more annoying the chore, the better. And let her notice that you did it. If she asks why you can probably say almost anything from just saying "Well I thought you might be tired, so I decided I'd do that for you" or you could say straight out "You said that you thought I wasn't in love with you. I'm trying to prove you wrong."

And you need to keep this sort of stuff up. Change it up, do something different and I would suggest doing it at least weekly if not every other day or so. What you feel inside needs to show through your words and your deeds.

Also tell her you love her, multiple times a day. Even if she won't say it back, say it anyways.

 

[Inkachu]

This is exactly what i've been trying to express to her. I have made the mistake of not saying this often enough over the years. However its always the way ive felt about her. Now when i try an say such things, she says that these are not "physical", therefore not sexual attraction. I'm striving to help her understand that the way she thinks and feels is not the same way i thing and feel, and that difference does not make my feelings any less real.

I can understand her continued insecurities, which are probably based on what the world/society/friends/her own inner voices, are telling her about herself. I don't think YOU or anything you've done or not done, are necessarily responsible. Of course, a husband can be more attentive, more outspoken, and more demonstrative with his affections and admirations; that's always a great thing for nurturing your relationship and building up your wife. However, the fact that she seems fixated on being "sexually" attractive, and doesn't seem content with just being loved and desired as an entire human package... that's something she may need to work on with herself. Is she willing to attend marital counseling?

The world is SO harsh on us girls/women when it comes to feeling wanted, accepted, and desired. If she was ever abused, if she was ever cheated on, or if she ever dealt with inappropriate content (whether herself or someone she cared about)... that sort of stuff sears itself on your brain with "you're never going to be good enough, you're never going to "hold onto" a man, you'll never measure up to all the more sexy women in the world, you're only as valuable as the best sex you can offer a man, you're going to get old and then no one will ever want you". And that can be a very, very hard message to deprogram.

 

[seeingeyes]

This is exactly what i've been trying to express to her. I have made the mistake of not saying this often enough over the years. However its always the way ive felt about her. Now when i try an say such things, she says that these are not "physical", therefore not sexual attraction. I'm striving to help her understand that the way she thinks and feels is not the same way i thing and feel, and that difference does not make my feelings any less real.

You are waiting for her to be able to understand how you think and feel before she feels desired, rather than translating how you think and feel into words and actions that speak to her heart.

Instead of demanding that she see it through your eyes, you should try and see it through hers.

She wants to be seen as 'sexy'. If you can't or won't offer that to her, who do you want her to turn to?

 

[J0hnSm1th]

Here we are 3 years later. I wish i could say that horrible period was just a distant memory. But its still going today. My wife and i are cordial and polite to each other but thats about it. Over the years, my every loving word or romantic gesture has been treated with suspicion as if i'm trying to con her. I ache not only for what i have lost but for being part of her pain and part of the loss of her faith in 'us'.

In hindsight i have concluded that she wrote our marriage off because of who i am. I have not changed over all our years. I'm an introverted person - small hearted, poor at expressing feeling, cowardly in many ways. But she knew this when she decided to marry me. She already knew the "for worse". Yet she loved me for many years. Then one day, she decided that i wasnt the person she thought she married. As for me, i gave all of my heart that there was to give. If i hadn't, it wouldn't have hurt so much to have my meager love rejected.

 

[andy b]

I think you will find most long term relationships are the same and people who say different are kidding themselves....

 

[mkgal1]

Here we are 3 years later. I wish i could say that horrible period was just a distant memory. But its still going today. My wife and i are cordial and polite to each other but thats about it. Over the years, my every loving word or romantic gesture has been treated with suspicion as if i'm trying to con her. I ache not only for what i have lost but for being part of her pain and part of the loss of her faith in 'us'.

In hindsight i have concluded that she wrote our marriage off because of who i am. I have not changed over all our years. I'm an introverted person - small hearted, poor at expressing feeling, cowardly in many ways. But she knew this when she decided to marry me. She already knew the "for worse". Yet she loved me for many years. Then one day, she decided that i wasnt the person she thought she married. As for me, i gave all of my heart that there was to give. If i hadn't, it wouldn't have hurt so much to have my meager love rejected.

How long did you two go for counseling? I'm sorry that sounds like it didn't really help.

 

[Dan Bert]

The answer to you and your wife problems in your marriage...is that you are still in conditional love. And do you know what God calls conditional love? Darkness.

You and your wife to enter into "Unconditional Love" This is love that is given to your spouse (wife) just because she is your wife...and for not other reason. This love is given to your spouse not because she does things for you..not because she makes you happy but because she is your wife. Since you expect nothing in return for this love...you will gain the patience, and the understanding necessary to have compassion and mercy.

The same thing goes for your wife...if she feels rejected..it is her Ego that is hurting. And if she also learns to step into "Unconditional Love" for you just because you are her husband...then she too will learn patience and understanding to have compassion and mercy.

Unconditional love is also that same love that will bind you and your spouse to God..for that is what God has for us...and this is unconditional love.

With conditional love comes fears and fears is torments (hell). So stop bringing hell in your marriages. All of us change physically, spiritually and emotionally over time. In conditional love we do not like it when we see our spouse change from what we fell in love with them for into someone else. For example...when Beauty in our spouse fades...the solution for this is not to find a younger wife...it is for us to love our Wife...unconditionally...true happiness and joy cannot exist while we remain in Conditional love.

This is the first step. I have written other posts on this site on the laws of marriage. Find them read them copy them and heed them.

Final Note.

Remember as a husband God has put you in charge and will hold you accountable for your marriage. The first step is for you and your spouse to learn what is unconditional love and live it. There is a something you can do to get started...even if you are the only one to step into unconditional love...I think it is "The LOVE DARE" I think it is free and you can download it...It will help you to know what is unconditional love. Check out the movie Fireproof.

dan

First some background. We've been married 12 years and have three lovely children. For the most part those 12 years have been good. However the last couple have been rocky. We are fire and ice when it comes to personality types. I'm cool headed, logical, introverted, regarded by those who dont know me as aloof or shy. She is bubbly, outgoing, warm, friendly.

Growing up, my childhood was difficult. My parents constantly argued and were unhappy. I could not help but feel they both wanted to be somewhere else. I was always the perfect son, trying to keep the peace, never saying or doing anything that might inflame a situation. Through school i was the shy nerd who girls didnt want to know. Her parents are wonderful, caring, proud, and involved. When i met her, she fell in love with me and it was like a sunrise. I had never experienced that kind of devotion and love.

Through the start of our relationship i occasionally had pangs of guilt that i didn't feel the vivacious "in love" feelings that she felt for me. I loved her certainly, but there wasnt "chemistry". We were married and had our first child after two years. Our second child was born two years later. We treasured our young family and those years were good.

Her libido was always much higher than mine. i sometimes struggled to keep up, which frustrated her. She was also hurt at times at the scarcity of my compliments on how she looked. It also irked her that i was a stay-at-home type who lacked a sense of adventure.

Some years back we both suffered with depression at different times. I tried a number of medications which didnt help. The past year she has become very down. Her interest in sex dried up to nothing. Since then, when she looks at me, i no longer see adoration. I now see disappointment and even contempt. Last week we sat down and had a heart to heart.

She told me that she has long suspected that i loved her but was not "in love". She said she felt i was not attracted to her physically, that i did not consider her "beautiful", and that this was the source of our differing libidos. I was gob smacked. To a degree she is correct. Physical attraction has been an issue. However i am very much attracted to the person she is and to a myriad of little things about her. I value the passion our love making used to have and miss it. She says she has boxed away that part of her as she cant bare the thought that i am simply living a lie. She feels hurt and doesnt want to be hurt again.

So i am at a loss how to proceed. I love her deeply and am committed to us. I had hoped after so many years together that physical attraction would no longer be so important. It appears i was wrong.

 

[Brianlear]

All women have a need to feel desired, like someone is attracted to them, even to their body. It gives them enjoyment and makes them feel alive. You cannot separate the body from the person. They are one in the same. If your wife isn't getting that from you then she will feel like she is missing something. Sometimes you may need to verbally TELL her that she is attractive. You have to do it man! Tell her!

 

[QuietBeauty]

I feel that as a married person you sometimes have to push yourself out of your comfort zone for the one you love. You said she likes to be adventurous but you like to stay home. Since this is your wife, maybe you should push yourself a little bit to do something that she would like that is considered adventurous, Ask her what's something adventurous that she would like to do. Also, Intimacy is more than just physical sex, It's doing things for your spouse that they would love or just being there for them emotionally. I think you should slowly get back to making love with each other. What I mean by that is you should buy her something that she'll love and surprise her with it, Do something simple and sweet for her that you know she'll like. Tell her that she's beautiful when she least expects you to say that. Then plan a special day for just the two of you. If you're in love with your wife, Show her that.