My precious mom died last Friday and I feel guilt and loss are going to kill me.

[Daryle TN]

Hello all, I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything (mom, home, property). I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiance loved each other as well. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, dr. Appt's, helping my mom with everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she begged me not to take her just let her rest. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was laying in bed trying to get comfortable, but in a lot of pain. I told her I would be back at 3 and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth like she was coughing up blood, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER, or if I had not dozed off, I could have helped her and she would still be here. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home", I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. Whatever this was, it was major and theres no gurantee they could have saved her, but i feel like i didnt try even against her wishes. I have no idea how to shake this feeling and guilt. My mom was my world. I don't even know how to have my own life anymore. Not hearing her footsteps upstairs, talking to her before work, calling to check on her at work, seeing her when I get home, talking to her later thay evening. I don't even know how to have a life or routine absent my mom.

 

[timewerx]

Oh that's horrible. I totally feel you man. I do. I really do. I have felt the same at my dad's passing and also blame myself.

It seemed like your mom already knew her day has come and so begged you not to take her to the ER.

I think your mom already wants to go "home" above all else that's why she begged you not to take her to the ER anymore. She can't take the pain of living anymore. You probably don't understand this yet but eventually, you will.

You did great under the circumstances. It's what your mom wanted. Don't blame yourself.

Unfortunately, there's nothing I can say to help you ease the pain. It's just awful man. You will absolutely feel her absence in your life. The thing I hate most about living in this world. Just process it and hope you get back on your feet and don't forget about your fiance. You haven't lost everything, you still have your fiance. Cherish the people you still have.

 

[The Righterzpen]

I know we often feel like these kinds of things are our fault; but it's not. And it's going to take you some time to get through this and realize you didn't do anything nefarious. Nothing was intentionally neglectful. And your mom did not want to go to the hospital. Also, you weren't expecting her to die so suddenly.

It's also OK to pray to God about your mom; even though she's no longer here. You can still talk to God about her. I prayed to God many times about my dad. Both of my parents have been deceased now for 17 and 21 years respectively. Losing your parents is hard.

And you have your fiancé to help you through the grief process. Give yourself some time. It's shocking; you weren't expecting it.

Rest in God's sovereignty and be at peace; because even if there was something else you could have done; you can't turn back time.

It's OK, it really is. I'm sure your mom isn't angry at you.

 

[Unqualified]

It will come back to ya. How to have your own life again. Your fiancé’.

 

[JesseBassett]

@Daryle TN ,
You have my condolences and sympathies.

 

[I's2C]

Hello all, I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything (mom, home, property). I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiance loved each other as well. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, dr. Appt's, helping my mom with everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she begged me not to take her just let her rest. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was laying in bed trying to get comfortable, but in a lot of pain. I told her I would be back at 3 and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth like she was coughing up blood, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER, or if I had not dozed off, I could have helped her and she would still be here. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home", I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. Whatever this was, it was major and theres no gurantee they could have saved her, but i feel like i didnt try even against her wishes. I have no idea how to shake this feeling and guilt. My mom was my world. I don't even know how to have my own life anymore. Not hearing her footsteps upstairs, talking to her before work, calling to check on her at work, seeing her when I get home, talking to her later thay evening. I don't even know how to have a life or routine absent my mom.

I know no words comfort anyone at such times, Have comfort in knowing that she is in no more pain; running and jumping like a deer does. At passing we instantly return to our FATHER in our real spiritual bodies no more pain. I too suffer from the same things she did and know how bad the pain gets. It is not the end of life! In our flesh we live but a brief moment just a twinkle of the eye compared to eternity. Have some comfort knowing you did spend 43 years with her, cherish that time for you will see her again but in her glorious state. Don't blame yourself sounds like you were a great son honoring your mother for 43 years and I am sure she would never want you to blame yourself, that would make her sad and maybe even mad. I know because that is how I would feel if someone wasted time and life upsetting, thinking they could have, should have. So make your mom happy not sad by thinking that way, I know its hard but time does heal and GOD does send comfort to those who loves HIM.
I have been to ER too on several occasions for same conditions and I can tell you, they will have to take me tied down and streaming before I go back to them. So I know full well what she meant.

 

[honey badger]

Hello all, I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything (mom, home, property). I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiance loved each other as well. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, dr. Appt's, helping my mom with everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she begged me not to take her just let her rest. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was laying in bed trying to get comfortable, but in a lot of pain. I told her I would be back at 3 and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth like she was coughing up blood, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER, or if I had not dozed off, I could have helped her and she would still be here. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home", I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. Whatever this was, it was major and theres no gurantee they could have saved her, but i feel like i didnt try even against her wishes. I have no idea how to shake this feeling and guilt. My mom was my world. I don't even know how to have my own life anymore. Not hearing her footsteps upstairs, talking to her before work, calling to check on her at work, seeing her when I get home, talking to her later thay evening. I don't even know how to have a life or routine absent my mom.

WOW... the truth is you were a great son to your mom ... this perception you have now will pass with time ...

 

[musicalpilgrim]

Give your cares to the Lord Jesus, he cares for you.

 

[Bobber]

Hello all, I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything (mom, home, property). I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiance loved each other as well. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, dr. Appt's, helping my mom with everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she begged me not to take her just let her rest. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was laying in bed trying to get comfortable, but in a lot of pain. I told her I would be back at 3 and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth like she was coughing up blood, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER, or if I had not dozed off, I could have helped her and she would still be here. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home", I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. Whatever this was, it was major and theres no gurantee they could have saved her, but i feel like i didnt try even against her wishes. I have no idea how to shake this feeling and guilt. My mom was my world. I don't even know how to have my own life anymore. Not hearing her footsteps upstairs, talking to her before work, calling to check on her at work, seeing her when I get home, talking to her later thay evening. I don't even know how to have a life or routine absent my mom.

I lost my Mother in September. She was 95. She was in a retirement home but died in the hospital ,,long story which I won't get into.

But no I don't think you should be feeling guilt but more importantly I don't think your Mother would want you feeling that way either. This might be helpful if you think of it this way,

If your mother could talk to you right now what would she say to you? I'm guessing she would tell you thanks for loving her and being such a good son. She would probably say you were such a blessing to her all through the years and support and don't ever feel guilt that she passed in her room.....she'd probably say you can't be everywhere all the time you're not God.

I think you can take peace to know you feeling guilt is the last thing she'd want you to feel but want you as time goes along to shake off the grief know and hope that we'll see each other again some day and also set forth eventually an agenda for happiness and let it be so. .

I've actually had this joke thing I've told my adult kids. I'm 67. I've said it in a joking way and they laugh but I have my point . I told them if I leave this scene of action before you I said look....I expect you to by crying a little or feeling at least some sorrow. But if I'm looking over the banister of heaven and see after a month or two you're still wailing around Lord let me go down to the earth and give them a kick in the behind.

I'd tell them come on now. Enough of this grief. .When I decided to have kids it was with the hope that they'd have joyful and peaceful lives and that's all what most parents hope for. So live in this type of way that would make me proud and glad to see....I had my day and it's done. You're job now is to set forth a positive agenda for happiness and make sure you walk in such to the best of your ability. Consider if I can see you in heaven then that's what I want to see.

Again not saying that to minimize your time of sorrow and grief. We all feel that and we should. But just know our parents do want us to be happy and find happy days as much as possible.

 

[Valletta]

I lost my Mother in September. She was 95. She was in a retirement home but died in the hospital ,,long story which I won't get into.

But no I don't think you should be feeling guilt but more importantly I don't think your Mother would want you feeling that way either. This might be helpful if you think of it this way,

If your mother could talk to you right now what would she say to you? I'm guessing she would tell you thanks for loving her and being such a good son. She would probably say you were such a blessing to her all through the years and support and don't ever feel guilt that she passed in her room.....she'd probably say you can't be everywhere all the time you're not God.

I think you can take peace to know you feeling guilt is the last thing she'd want you to feel but want you as time goes along to shake off the grief know and hope that we'll see each other again some day and also set forth eventually an agenda for happiness and let it be so. .

I've actually had this joke thing I've told my adult kids. I'm 67. I've said it in a joking way and they laugh but I have my point . I told them if I leave this scene of action before you I said look....I expect you to by crying a little or feeling at least some sorrow. But if I'm looking over the banister of heaven and see after a month or two you're still wailing around Lord let me go down to the earth and give them a kick in the behind.

I'd tell them come on now. Enough of this grief. .When I decided to have kids it was with the hope that they'd have joyful and peaceful lives and that's all what most parents hope for. So live in this type of way that would make me proud and glad to see....I had my day and it's done. You're job now is to set forth a positive agenda for happiness and make sure you walk in such to the best of your ability. Consider if I can see you in heaven then that's what I want to see.

Again not saying that to minimize your time of sorrow and grief. We all feel that and we should. But just know our parents do want us to be happy and find happy days as much as possible.

Exactly. She would want the best for you. Just as you would want the best for someone else in a similar situation.

 

[returntosender]

Hello all, I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything (mom, home, property). I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiance loved each other as well. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, dr. Appt's, helping my mom with everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she begged me not to take her just let her rest. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was laying in bed trying to get comfortable, but in a lot of pain. I told her I would be back at 3 and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth like she was coughing up blood, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER, or if I had not dozed off, I could have helped her and she would still be here. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home", I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. Whatever this was, it was major and theres no gurantee they could have saved her, but i feel like i didnt try even against her wishes. I have no idea how to shake this feeling and guilt. My mom was my world. I don't even know how to have my own life anymore. Not hearing her footsteps upstairs, talking to her before work, calling to check on her at work, seeing her when I get home, talking to her later thay evening. I don't even know how to have a life or routine absent my mom.

I'm so sorry.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I'm so sorry.

My heart goes out to you. My only thought Is to give this burden to the Lord. You cannot carry it.

 

[Veve13]

Hello all, I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything (mom, home, property). I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiance loved each other as well. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, dr. Appt's, helping my mom with everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she begged me not to take her just let her rest. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was laying in bed trying to get comfortable, but in a lot of pain. I told her I would be back at 3 and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth like she was coughing up blood, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER, or if I had not dozed off, I could have helped her and she would still be here. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home", I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. Whatever this was, it was major and theres no gurantee they could have saved her, but i feel like i didnt try even against her wishes. I have no idea how to shake this feeling and guilt. My mom was my world. I don't even know how to have my own life anymore. Not hearing her footsteps upstairs, talking to her before work, calling to check on her at work, seeing her when I get home, talking to her later thay evening. I don't even know how to have a life or routine absent my mom.

I think we always find a way to blame ourselves when someone we love so dearly passes, especially if their death is unexpected. So sorry for your grief. Cling to your fiancée. ‍

 

[returntosender]

Hello all, I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything (mom, home, property). I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiance loved each other as well. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, dr. Appt's, helping my mom with everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she begged me not to take her just let her rest. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was laying in bed trying to get comfortable, but in a lot of pain. I told her I would be back at 3 and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth like she was coughing up blood, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER, or if I had not dozed off, I could have helped her and she would still be here. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home", I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. Whatever this was, it was major and theres no gurantee they could have saved her, but i feel like i didnt try even against her wishes. I have no idea how to shake this feeling and guilt. My mom was my world. I don't even know how to have my own life anymore. Not hearing her footsteps upstairs, talking to her before work, calling to check on her at work, seeing her when I get home, talking to her later thay evening. I don't even know how to have a life or routine absent my mom.

I'm am so sorry!
My mom died many years ago but today i found myself thinking if i had only done this or said that i still do the same thing with my daughter. It's a lesson to learn for most of us. You'll be okay after a while. You took care of your mom in her final days. You should be proud of yourself for being there for her when it counted. God bless you