Hi, everyone. I recently posted on this forum about a "crush" I was having on a man who is not my husband. And I'm working on getting that out of my system. But I think I posted that thread prematurely and should have begun with a thread that explains the issues I'm having in my marriage. So I want to start from the beginning.
I'm 34 and My husband is 46. We dated for a year and got married when I discovered I was pregnant. (Yes, I understand we shouldn't have been having premarital sex. We did our best to abstain and had sex only about 4 times prior to getting married. But things happen.)
I was crazy about him at the time, as he was about me. There were some issues and we attempted to resolve them through honest conversation and Christian marriage counseling, which took place prior to getting married and maybe 6 months into the marriage (maybe a total of 9 months or so). Our spiritual work wasn't finished but we lost our counselor and with a new baby, jobs, other things, etc. we decided to hold off on tryin to find a new counselor.
In our almost 5 years of marriage, we've had sex only a handful of times. Only twice in the past 3 years, and both of those events were done specifically to conceive our second child.
My husband pays absolutely no attention to me. He has never once called me during the day at work to say hi. He has never once told me I look nice (and I am very committed to keeping myself together and looking good. I am a former model who forces herself to go to the gym and do all the little things that keep men interested. And lots of men **are** interested in me...just not my husband.) He doesn't say hi to me or bye. He never tells me he likes the meals I cook (and I put a lot of effort into them so they are both tasty and nutritious). I try to make conversation and he has absolutely nothing to say to me. If he responds, it will be some generic, noncommittal comment like, "Oh, OK." He is usually civil to me but completely detached. He has never once initiated sex w/ me, though he knows I am very sexual and would like to have sex often. He has criticized me before for wanting to have sex and for talking flirtatiously or jovially to him. He never tries to cuddle or plan "dates" w/ me or hold my hand or flirt w/ me.
He has let his appearance go to pot. He showers only a couple of times per week, does almost no personal grooming, doesn't clean his ears, get his hair cut, wash his clothes...anything. He sometimes stinks and he makes no effort to dress nicely or stylishly. His doctor told him his cholesterol is too high and so is his blood pressure. But he does nothing about it.
When he and I first met, I told him I love to talk. My career is in the communications field and I am just a very inquisitive, chatty kind of person. And he makes zero effort to indulge me in this area. Every time I try to initiate conversation, he stops it dead. And even when we need to communicate about practical things (caring for the kids, paying bills, doing errands, etc.) he goes silent on me. This has resulted in all sorts of drama like missed appointments, misunderstandings, bills getting paid twice (or not at all), missed deadlines, etc.
Sometimes he behaves in a passive-aggressive manner and will "accidentally" forget to do important things or "conveniently" do the opposite of what we've agreed upon. I ask him for simple things (please call if you'll be more than an hour late) and he won't accommodate me at all. He continues to allow his sister to treat me disrespectfully and refuses to confront her about it.
I am at the end of my rope with him. I am so frustrated that lately, all I've been doing is screaming at him, hanging up on him and slamming doors when I see him. I have lost all of my physical/sexual attraction toward him and I no longer even feel close to him emotionally or as a friend. I've tried many times to address these issues w/ him but he is very passive (or passive-aggressive) and makes no effort. Or he says we are too busy...no time. Or he blames me. Or ignores me. We've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a few months now.
I recently developed a crush on another man (who is married). He is interested in me, too. But we are both choosing to honor our marriage vows and not pursue the attraction. I do not want to cheat on my husband and I'm afraid to divorce him (I need his support, financially and with the children, household, etc.). But I am terribly frustrated, lonely, angry and grossed out. I don't know what to do. No, I don't think he is having an affair. Nor do I think he is gay. I think he is just very emotionally lazy and aloof, and this arrangement we have is easier for him to deal with than actually trying to fix the problems we have.
A few nights ago (out of nowhere, at the suggestion of a friend), I got all fixed up, put on some lingerie and asked him if he wanted to have sex...and he said he was too tired and too busy and why should he start something he wouldn't be able to finish. (I have no idea what that means.) It's been several days and he hasn't brought it up or tried to cash in a rain check.
After this last rejection, I told him I wanted him to move out. And he just blew me off as usual...and told me to stop being so difficult.
Please help me! I am really fed up.
