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My husband treats me like the enemy

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by ConstantlySeeking, May 2, 2013.

  1. ConstantlySeeking

    ConstantlySeeking Newbie

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    Some advice would be very helpful and greatly appreciated...my marriage has been in shambles for quite some now. I'm believing and trusting in God for a restoration but I'm doing in solo. My husband treats me like the enemy. He calls me ugly, a loser, no work ethic (but I'm the only one working), says he doesn't want me. Today we got into a really bad argument (I went in on him too). I felt very ashamed and convicted bc God says not to fight evil with evil or insult with insult. Well during the argument, he showed me a pic of another female's private part in his phone and said that other women have been pleasing him bc I can't. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. I've been faithfully devoted to restoring my marriage now I feel stupid that I wasted my time. I still feel like God is saying He's going to make us have a testimony and that we have work to do for His kingdom together but I just hope that's not just coming from my heart. I want my marriage but I'm tired and just want to give up! Any advice and prayers PLEASE!

    He has not been born again!
     
    Mrs. Luther073082 likes this.

  2. I'm so sorry that you are going through this! :hug: All I know to tell you is to pray for wisdom. Do you have a support system?
     
  3. ConstantlySeeking

    ConstantlySeeking Newbie

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    I do not have a support system as him and I and our children just moved here last summer. I do have a church home but I haven't become close to anyone. I've been praying for God to send some support people as I need positive Christian women in my life.
     
  4. ValleyGal

    ValleyGal Celebrate Life!

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    I know what it's like to move to a new community and not know anyone. You say you are praying for God to send some support to you, but I am suggesting that you go and find some support. Call your pastor, let him know what's going on, and ask him if there is anyone in the church who you could turn to. Become involved in a small group. Don't wait for them to reach out....you may need to be the one to reach out to others.

    I am so sorry that it's been such a hard marriage. I'm sure you want to see your husband come to know the Lord Jesus and restore your marriage. Unfortunately it sounds like your husband is abusive and possibly unfaithful to his vows to love you and be faithful to you. One important thing to know is how to establish protective boundaries. This means how you will and won't let others treat you. Calling you ugly, saying he does not want you, etc...those things are mental/emotional abuse.

    Another important factor here is your children. If they hear or see your husband treating you this way, they are suffering vicarious trauma, and this may be a child welfare issue. You need to protect your children from watching and hearing these arguments. If you need to, call a social worker and ask them for help in protecting you and your children from his verbal abuse. As long as you are willing to protect your children, they will work with you to address the situation. The boundary to your husband in this situation is "You may choose to call me names and say you don't want me. You are welcome to do that. I can (and do) choose not to listen. I will discuss this with you when you I am spoken to more respectfully." Since you can't change him, you need to decide what you are going to do about his behaviour. You may choose not to live with someone who repeatedly says he does not want you. If that is the case, be prepared to move out/separate until he can treat you respectfully or otherwise show you that he does want to be with you.

    The point of boundaries, though, is to accept that you cannot change him. All you can do is decide on how you respond to his behaviour. Be sure to make it clear that he can behave however he wants, but that you have choices about how to respond, and then be prepared to actually do what you say you will do.

    For further help on boundaries, you might want to get a book or go online for effective ways to communicate boundaries and learn more about what they are.
     
  5. ConstantlySeeking

    ConstantlySeeking Newbie

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    Thank you for your response and I have reached out to both the pastor and his wife. He actually contacted my husband and asked him to attend church. He suggested someone for my husband to talk with but he refused. I've spoke with a few ladies there but they just say a prayer. I just don't really feel comfortable sharing unless I know she was sent by God!
     
  6. Avniel

    Avniel Doing my part each day by being the best me

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    All I can say is to pray because God is the only answer to that. Put your faith in Him and He will provide for you. I am not one to push divorce however I think you deserve better. If I were you I wouldn't accept anything less then what you deserve. Sure arguments happen and people can say things to hurt each other but what you went through was horrible. I commend you for seeing your part in the argument as being wrong also, even though it would be easy to justify it. If it were me it would take awhile for me to calm down and understand the hurtful things I said in retaliation were wrong. But being put down and disrespected in that manner is really wicked. There are major issues with a person that says things like that to his wife.

    Pray and remember you deserve better.
     
  7. SearchingStudent

    SearchingStudent Senior Member

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    I HAD a husband like that...all the things he said to me were really about himself. Its called projection. When he kicked me out of the house, he told me he'd see me dead in a gutter in 6 months.

    16+ years later, he's still in same little dead-end job, living his little miserable life. I'm not! I finished school, have an incredible career, a wonderful marriage, my children are all happy, educated and independent, and I'm a proud grandma to a whole bunch of little ones!
     
  8. Hetta

    Hetta I'm the firestarter, twisted firestarter

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    :thumbsup:
     
  9. Hetta

    Hetta I'm the firestarter, twisted firestarter

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    He gave an admission of infidelity. First and foremost, I would go and get checked for STD's. You owe that to yourself AND to your kids. When you have those results - and I pray for you that you are safe from any infections - I would refuse to have sex with him, unless he wears a condom, because you truly do not know "where he has been". :( The taking care of your health part absoutely should come first. Please do this.

    After that, would he got to counseling? I know you said he won't talk to your pastor - hardly surprising if he is not a Christian - but would he see a non-Christian counselor?
     
  10. hijklmnop

    hijklmnop Guest

    Personally I would suggest separation and counselling. I think you need space from the emotional and verbal abuse you are experiencing, and professional help to cope and figure out what's next. Maybe your husband needs to face up to the consequences of his actions in regards to this marriage. I don't think your marriage is hopeless, but what you've been doing so far isn't working. Time to change tactics? (Worked for me). May I suggest the book Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. I'm normally not a fan of his but this book changed my life.

    Also please get tested for STDs and no more unprotected sex with hubby!!! (Hug)
     
  11. Mrs. Luther073082

    Mrs. Luther073082 Commit to the LORD whatever you do - Proverbs 16:3

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    Marriage to an abuser is not worth saving. Any change he might make (IF he tried) would likely be only temporary and then the next time he blew up it would be worse than the last. Eventually, it may get to the point where the verbal abuse escalates into physical abuse. Frankly, I think it is fortunate that he cheated. It is like a get out of jail free card (jail being the toxic relationship she is in). If he had not cheated, I would recommend separation. Her children do not need to be around this man, either.
     
  12. Maka

    Maka Unless

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    Oh wow :/ he's mean.. Dump him!!! You deserve better!!!
     
  13. Puffinstuff

    Puffinstuff Newbie

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    I think you definately need to separate from him and even if you have to at least file for a divorce if you can't get a legal separation to get him out of the house.Get into counseling as suggested .You can always withdraw the petition to divorce if he decides to choose to get some help and comes around.But I think he needs a shrink not a marriage counselor.I would insist on that.
     
  14. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    Some reading resources for you:

    Lovefraud

    anything from Lundy Bancroft (here is the link to his blog: Lundy Bancroft
     
  15. whitebeaches

    whitebeaches Legend

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    Mod Hat On
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    This thread has undergone a clean up due to the violation of the Married Couples Forum Statement of Purpose: Divorce is not to be promoted in this forum except in cases where individuals are in physical danger. For the complete forum SOP please click here.

    If you notice a post of yours missing it was removed in the cleanup. Please remember the board rules when posting. Thank you and may you have a lovely day.

    Mod Hat Off
     
  16. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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  17. motherprayer

    motherprayer Elisha

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    Oh my. My heart is breaking for you, dear Sister. Please know I'm praying for you!

    My husband used to hurl insults like that, and he was already born again at that point. It was SO hurtful :( I left him, and kept our marriage as well as his heart in prayer.

    Ask God what He wants from you here. He will never lead you astray. My experience with many people has shown me that "Hurt people HURT people." Not like its any excuse - he has NO excuse for treating you this way - but it is a reason why some people are so guarded with their hearts that when they feel vulnerable they lash out. For my husband, it was the fear that I would hurt him the way he had been hurt before. I repeat again, he had NO excuse, no justification, for his behavior.

    I am praying for you, always! :hug:
     
  18. whitebeaches

    whitebeaches Legend

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    I have removed all the posts that were in violation of the Disruptive Behavior Rule: Do not disrupt the peace and harmony of the site by rehashing alleged grievances or disputes, publicly complaining about posts or threads, or ranting about Christian Forums or its staff. Do not attempt to undermine these rules or policies via campaigns, petitions, or protests. Do not discuss staff or reported actions publicly. Use the Member Services Center to submit questions and complaints about staff disciplinary action or rules.

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    Mod Hat Off
     
  19. Inkachu

    Inkachu Bursting with fruit flavor!

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    I believe this man is too abusive to stay around. I would get him out of the house, and if he refuses to leave, then I would leave. I would refuse to be in the same house with him again unless he agrees to counseling. I understand that the OP wants to save her marriage, but it takes two committed people to do that. Constantly, I know you're tired and you do not deserve this kind of treatment, especially from the one man who is supposed to be your safe haven, your protector, and your partner in life. He is being anything but that! The more abuse you take, the more you're messing up yourself and your future. Please take action. God bless.
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2013
  20. WalksWithChrist

    WalksWithChrist Seeking God's Will

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    I thought the Married forum was a place where we could do such things without getting a giant Mod Hat post. I'm being serious. We've openly talked to staff here about such things in the past. Many times.

    I will start a new thread.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2013
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