Hello,
I feel like I was doing better, but now I feel as if I have relasped. Yesterday night the person that sexually assualted me was going into my neighbor's house. Just seeing him caused me to have flashbacks that night. At first I stopped having flashbacks and sudden feelings of fear. Both have started back up since seeing him. It was the first time I saw him when I was by myself and it was late at night. I told my guy cousin about it and he shared that I need to work on letting it go, because it is holding me back, that I can't be scared of every guy that comes along. Basically he told me that I have to learn on getting over it because it's holding me back.
I have tried forgetting that it ever happened, trust me I have, but I mean it's not as easy as it sounds. I can't control the flashback or sudden moments of fear and helplessness. When I told him what happen ( it took almost a month to tell anyone only two cousins and a best friend know about it). But when I told my cousin who is like a brother to me I felt like a little child telling there friend/etc that somethings wrong. Like a sense of complete helplessness like a huge knott in my stomach from fear/helplessness. He was the first person I told in person and didn't text/tlk 2 on the phone. I never want to feel that helpless again. I couldn't even tell him, I had to just give a situation with a guy in it and told him that I couldn't tell him what happened b/c it's was really bad and I might start crying. He had to guess at what happened, it took about four to five times for him to guess. I just kept saying it was worse than that, no keep going it was worse. Then he finally got to it and told him that I didn't want to and was forced than he guess exactly what happened. I never want to have that feeling again. I have gotten over hating him and even wanting to try and fight him so that's a big step.
I agree with him and feel that I should have gotten over it by now. Which makes me feel that it's my fault that I haven't gotten over it yet.
After that incident I was at a friends house, and they had some friends over, one person was there thatI have known for a long time. He gave me a hug when he first came in, which I was fine with but when we sat down he put his hand around my waist, and I ended up saying I needed to grab my phone but really I was freaked out but didn't say anything because they don't know. Me and him have been school since forever but it's like I don't mind a guy shaking my hand or hugging me but sometimes if a guy touches me in my mind I'll freak out, but when the guy put his hand around my waist I started having that sense of fear. But also it depends on the guy, guys that I am close too that are older than me I seem not to be on guard as much but those between 18-20 I tend to have my guard up more.
Okay I gotta question for you all, I'm just being open and honest here. Now, I am in school and all and don't plan on meeting that special someone and getting married for years, but I gotta question. If him and I were to sleep/be together, would I have to tell him the whole story, or could I just say I was in a bad situation with a guy back when I was 18 but things are better now. Also is there any chance that if me (and whom ever I am married too) choose to sleep together/have sex ( something right now I can't possibly imagine doing when I am married because of the situation at hand), but if that be the case is there any chance I would have a flashback of the sexually assualt during that moment? It's like that is not a desire of mine when I am married, truth be told.
It has been suggested that I try sleeping with someone voluntary so I won't have that fear when I am married. But that is something I def. do NOT want to do. I am waiting till marriage, that's if I even do it then. I know all guys aren't the same and all. I guess I am tryna figure out if I am going through a phrase or something.
Someone please help me out to feel like I am not losing my mind or going crazy or something.
Thanks
I feel like I was doing better, but now I feel as if I have relasped. Yesterday night the person that sexually assualted me was going into my neighbor's house. Just seeing him caused me to have flashbacks that night. At first I stopped having flashbacks and sudden feelings of fear. Both have started back up since seeing him. It was the first time I saw him when I was by myself and it was late at night. I told my guy cousin about it and he shared that I need to work on letting it go, because it is holding me back, that I can't be scared of every guy that comes along. Basically he told me that I have to learn on getting over it because it's holding me back.
I have tried forgetting that it ever happened, trust me I have, but I mean it's not as easy as it sounds. I can't control the flashback or sudden moments of fear and helplessness. When I told him what happen ( it took almost a month to tell anyone only two cousins and a best friend know about it). But when I told my cousin who is like a brother to me I felt like a little child telling there friend/etc that somethings wrong. Like a sense of complete helplessness like a huge knott in my stomach from fear/helplessness. He was the first person I told in person and didn't text/tlk 2 on the phone. I never want to feel that helpless again. I couldn't even tell him, I had to just give a situation with a guy in it and told him that I couldn't tell him what happened b/c it's was really bad and I might start crying. He had to guess at what happened, it took about four to five times for him to guess. I just kept saying it was worse than that, no keep going it was worse. Then he finally got to it and told him that I didn't want to and was forced than he guess exactly what happened. I never want to have that feeling again. I have gotten over hating him and even wanting to try and fight him so that's a big step.
I agree with him and feel that I should have gotten over it by now. Which makes me feel that it's my fault that I haven't gotten over it yet.
After that incident I was at a friends house, and they had some friends over, one person was there thatI have known for a long time. He gave me a hug when he first came in, which I was fine with but when we sat down he put his hand around my waist, and I ended up saying I needed to grab my phone but really I was freaked out but didn't say anything because they don't know. Me and him have been school since forever but it's like I don't mind a guy shaking my hand or hugging me but sometimes if a guy touches me in my mind I'll freak out, but when the guy put his hand around my waist I started having that sense of fear. But also it depends on the guy, guys that I am close too that are older than me I seem not to be on guard as much but those between 18-20 I tend to have my guard up more.
Okay I gotta question for you all, I'm just being open and honest here. Now, I am in school and all and don't plan on meeting that special someone and getting married for years, but I gotta question. If him and I were to sleep/be together, would I have to tell him the whole story, or could I just say I was in a bad situation with a guy back when I was 18 but things are better now. Also is there any chance that if me (and whom ever I am married too) choose to sleep together/have sex ( something right now I can't possibly imagine doing when I am married because of the situation at hand), but if that be the case is there any chance I would have a flashback of the sexually assualt during that moment? It's like that is not a desire of mine when I am married, truth be told.
It has been suggested that I try sleeping with someone voluntary so I won't have that fear when I am married. But that is something I def. do NOT want to do. I am waiting till marriage, that's if I even do it then. I know all guys aren't the same and all. I guess I am tryna figure out if I am going through a phrase or something.
Someone please help me out to feel like I am not losing my mind or going crazy or something.
Thanks