Men's and Women's Needs

[hygienemom]

A man's primary need is to be fulfilled sexually...while a woman's need is for affection and security.
So if the man is fully aware of the woman's needs (she has explained what she would like), why do they play dumb and hold back?
I give to him sexually 100% have never turned him down but he can make excuses why he would rather play on the computer than sit and watch tv with me for 30 minutes. He says i begrudge him for playing a game of football on the computer (1hour) meanwhile there is very little time for him and i to have quality time together (kids).
But he can always seem to find time for sex!!!!
I have neveragreed with women using sex as a weapon but now i'm starting to see why it can happen.
Any thoughts?

 

[jazzbird]

Have you told him that you feel this way? You said that he is aware of your needs, but is he aware that he's not meeting them? No offense to the men, but sometimes subtlety just doesn't cut it with them. It could be as simple as that.

Perhaps he doesn't see that much difference between playing video games and watching TV since they are both sedentary activities. Is your computer in the same room as the TV? One of ours is, and I get the feeling that my hubby sometimes thinks that we are spending time together when he's on the computer and I'm sitting on the couch reading or watching TV.

Anyway.....Are there games he plays that you could learn too? Or maybe you could do something more active together, like taking a walk - that would allow for good conversation time too. I know you have kids, so maybe that wouldn't work. My DH and I often play games. Could you play scrabble or something after the kids are asleep? Again, I find that board games can be a opening for good conversation.

Some of this could have to do with your attitude toward sex. There is a huge difference between "allowing" him to have sex with you, and being excited about your encounters or pursuing him. Are you excited about your sex life? Does he feel wanted by you? Or perhaps do you make him feel like you are doing him a favor? That you are merely holding up your end of the bargain?

No matter what his attitude, I advise that you continue to give selflessly to him. I know it is easy to start feeling resentful when you feel that all you do is give without receiving, but it's so important to treat our spouses lovingly, and it can begin turning the tide of your relationship.

 

[hygienemom]

I quite enjoy our sex life and pursue him as well...he loves that and feels very fulfilled. I didn't mean to imply i allow him to have sex with me. I do agree being subtle with men does not work.
He isn't the board game type but we do weights together and enjoy rollerblading, etc together.
He resents the fact that he can't always do what he wants (computer) because of kids etc., meanwhile i have to make prior arrangements with him to take a break for myself. Those of you with kids will completely understand.

 

[jazzbird]

I quite enjoy our sex life and pursue him as well...he loves that and feels very fulfilled. I didn't mean to imply i allow him to have sex with me. I do agree being subtle with men does not work.
He isn't the board game type but we do weights together and enjoy rollerblading, etc together.
He resents the fact that he can't always do what he wants (computer) because of kids etc., meanwhile i have to make prior arrangements with him to take a break for myself. Those of you with kids will completely understand.

I wasn't assuming that that is what you meant, but I have heard a lot of women who think they are being sexually giving simply by laying there and doing "their duty."

I know that when my DH comes home, the first thing he usually does after greeting me and asking about my day, is sit down at the computer for a while. It is his way of unwinding. We don't have kids yet, so our life is much less complicated than yours. How much daily time does he actually spend on the computer? Maybe you could come up with a comprimise, like he spends half his normal time, or he's on the computer every other day, or something. I wish I had better wisdom to give you. Maybe there are others who have dealt with what you are going through that can give you better advice.

 

[Southern Cross]

Some guys need a bit of a wake up call. We're totally into our own needs from time to time - it's true that a lot of guys have one track minds. They tend to blot out distractions (even their wives) unless sex is involved.

It sounds like it's an escape for him. Let him have a little of his own time. You need to tell him how you feel, at least twice if he doesn't get it.

And - there are excepions to the rule that guys only pay attention when sex is involved. I'm not trying to sound like a romantic here, so don't think I'm full of it when I say this. I would like nothing better than to get in the car, drive down to the beach (we're like 25 minutes away), and take a walk with my wife arm in arm for miles and talk. Or go to a cozy little restaurant. And it was that way well before we began having marriage difficulties. Yes, I like to jump into bed just like any other guy, but for me, I like the tenderness and warmth that comes from spending time together and talking about things, that's what keeps me into my marriage. Well, it did for many years, anyway! That is sorely lacking now for other reasons. Anyway, my point is, if you find something you can do together that you both like to do where you have time to talk, it helps. I personally can't stand watching professional sports, but if we get out of the home to do something, she's got my undivided attention unless we go by a camera store or visit an art/craft fair. A good friend of mine is the same way - he plans activities outside the home so he and his wife can actually talk away from the TV, kiddie distractions, etc.

Here is something you can try - it works sometimes. Whenever someone talks to you, especially your husband, drop whatever you are doing (unless you're holding a baby!) and physically turn and face them and give that person your undivided attention. Lean forward a little, just barely, it shows you are interested in them. This is such an unusual behavior in most people that the person talking to you will notice it. And I've found that when I do this, most people start doing the same for me eventually. If they don't, they probably just don't care or don't get it or don't like me. Anyway, try it for a month and see if it works.

Gotta run! Photo shoots need to be scheduled, behind on my work!

 

[okiemommy26]

Well for me my husband does get on the computer when I want one on one time with him and he gets one tracked mind when it comes to his computer games. So what i do is tell him how I feel and that we should be spending time together and he respects that and he tells me to give him about 5 minutes to do what is he doing but usually it takes longer because he gets side tracked again lol but i have to learn to be patient but in the end he comes and spends his time with me.

 

[AndOne]

A man's primary need is to be fulfilled sexually...

One comment - I disagree with this statement. A man (or woman) may think his primary need is to be fulfilled sexually - but disagree that it is.

Just my quick 2 cents...

 

[GirlieGirl]

That breakdown is way too simplistic.

It sounds like you want to use sex as a currency for getting what you want. Isn't that depressing? If your husband sees it that way too, I can see why he's not motivated to please you in the ways you'd like. "She's only putting out because she wants something" - not a great thought.

Perhaps you married a guy who is not that giving. If that's so, using your sex life as a bargaining tool won't help. I don't know what will help, maybe counseling.

 

[Redguard]

he can make excuses why he would rather play on the computer than sit and watch tv with me for 30 minutes.

What kind of stuff are you watching?

Is it stuff that you're both interested in? Or are you asking him to sit with you while you watch "The Swan"?

 

[heartnsoul]

From what it sounds like, it's the typical marriage after being married "too" long, partners do sometimes take each other for granted. I know your husband probably didn't act like that when he was courting/dating you, right? Men (and women) sometimes *unintentionally* get comfortable in the marriage after several years and then don't take the time or make the time to do things or go out of his/her way to please the other person. It doesn't make your husband a bad or selfish person. Life just happens sometimes. The key is to recognize it (and you do) and maybe suggest things/activities both of you can do together. I have heard it said that parents need to set a "date" for themselves once a week or once every two weeks and then hire a babysitter for that night. Just going on vacation or getting away for an evening to the movies and dinner is so refreshing and rejuvenates the marriage.

From my own experience after being married for 10 years, I can honestly say that I use to feel resentful like you. But you know what finally changed my feelings? I realized that I was jealous of him having a hobby and doing something that makes him happy. It had nothing to do with my husband being neglectful of me. I was just taking it too personally because I didn't have enough hobbies and interests of my own to fill up some of my boredom. So guess what? I found this Christian forum and other forums on the internet. I also love to write. Writing was a great passion of mine when I was in grade school. So I began writing again. Now I have things to do when my husband is on the computer looking at his NASCAR website. So, maybe it's just a matter of readjusting your own outlook on things and doing something "nice" for yourself to make yourself happy. What's funny now...is that my husband sometimes gets bored and upset when I'm on the computer!!

Hope this helps...life is too short! Be happy and do something good for yourself. I'm sure your husband loves you very much. God bless you two!

 

[hygienemom]

That breakdown is way too simplistic.

It sounds like you want to use sex as a currency for getting what you want. Isn't that depressing? If your husband sees it that way too, I can see why he's not motivated to please you in the ways you'd like. "She's only putting out because she wants something" - not a great thought.

Perhaps you married a guy who is not that giving. If that's so, using your sex life as a bargaining tool won't help. I don't know what will help, maybe counseling.

No that is not what i'm doing. I'm just saying i'm giving myself to him fully and what's wrong with expecting love in return?

 

[hygienemom]

What kind of stuff are you watching?

Is it stuff that you're both interested in? Or are you asking him to sit with you while you watch "The Swan"?

I enjoy watching the same kind of shows as he does...we enjoy shows like American Chopper, etc. discovery shows, bla bla bla

 

[hygienemom]

I am pleased to report that after sleeping on it he apologized and said he was being insensitive to my needs.
So once again, God answers prayer!
Thanks for all your comments and suggestions.
God Bless.

 

[Svt4Him]

A man's primary need is not to have sex. I once heard it was to minimize frustrations, but that too is overly simplistic, but a lot closer than saying sex is what a man wants.

 

[heartnsoul]

I am pleased to report that after sleeping on it he apologized and said he was being insensitive to my needs.
So once again, God answers prayer!
Thanks for all your comments and suggestions.
God Bless.

HALLELUJAH!!! Glad to hear the communications lines are open between both of you and that God is working in your lives. AMEN to you both!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

"A man's primary need is to be fulfilled sexually"

1. That is sooo not me.

2. Sexually my job is to fulfill my wife and vice versa. It's a two-way street.

This generalization grates on my nerves. But I can't deny that my gender has earned it.

 

[hygienemom]

Here we are again...same thing happened again after church...i suggested we go to get donuts for the kids and have some time together as a family...no, he didn't want to...wanted to go home.
So when we got home we had lunch, he was on pooka (as my kids call it-computer), then watched some football, then shoveled snow...then, then, then...i got upset and to him was being unreasonable.
OK so now i guess i should find my own life, hobbies, etc.?

 

[hollymarie1122]

jsut pray hunny, its not an overnight thing for men or woman, maybe he feels that there are physical things he must do (shovel snow) to feel like he is doing something for you. I don't know I just know he loves you!

 

[searle29678]

This may help and it may not...I recently purchased that book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. My husband and I were having a LOT of problems and I actually bought it thinking that it would be one of those books bashing men, and believe me that is what I wanted to do to my husband.

After reading about three pages, I realized that it was a book about how to understand the male psyche a little better. It was full of excerpts from men explaining what they wanted and what they really meant when they said certain things or did certain things. My husband had a real love for video games (among other things that I didn't like). It drove me crazy. I was cooking cleaning and trying to be a good wife to him and all he wanted to do was hang out with his friends and play these dumb games. I just couldn't understand it. This book pointed out that he did want to spend time with me, but when he didn't do it for long enough or often enough that is all he heard about. When I shut up and just let things go, instead of it getting worse it got better. Not only did he spend more time with me, he enjoyed it and limited the video games and friends to times when I was at work, or grocery shopping, etc... The book is from a biblical yet psychological stand point (go figure), I'm telling you girls...It's a real eye opener no matter what kind of man you are married to.

 

[hygienemom]

This may help and it may not...I recently purchased that book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. My husband and I were having a LOT of problems and I actually bought it thinking that it would be one of those books bashing men, and believe me that is what I wanted to do to my husband.

After reading about three pages, I realized that it was a book about how to understand the male psyche a little better. It was full of excerpts from men explaining what they wanted and what they really meant when they said certain things or did certain things. My husband had a real love for video games (among other things that I didn't like). It drove me crazy. I was cooking cleaning and trying to be a good wife to him and all he wanted to do was hang out with his friends and play these dumb games. I just couldn't understand it. This book pointed out that he did want to spend time with me, but when he didn't do it for long enough or often enough that is all he heard about. When I shut up and just let things go, instead of it getting worse it got better. Not only did he spend more time with me, he enjoyed it and limited the video games and friends to times when I was at work, or grocery shopping, etc... The book is from a biblical yet psychological stand point (go figure), I'm telling you girls...It's a real eye opener no matter what kind of man you are married to.

why do we have to play these stupid games with men?
whatever happened to loving each other?