Love & Respect

[Periann]

This thread is based on the book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs titled, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. I'm a newlywed and recieved this book as a present during my bridal shower, and am finally finding the time to read it now.

Although I find a lot of it redundant it does get an interesting point across, that women desire unconditional love most in marriage, and men desire unconditional respect from their spouses the most. The principle is based on Ephesians 5:33. I was wondering if anyone had read the book and could offer their perspective, or whatever you'd like to share.

I haven't been married long, but I have benefited from some of the teachings of this book. One, as obvious as it might sound, is to remember that we are both spouses of good will towards each other (meaning we're not acting purposely trying to hurt the other) and that I have to learn how to state my opinions in a respectful manner.

Anyway pretty simple concepts but I thought pretty good as well. I am learning to put them to good use

 

[Luther073082]

There are some truths to those things but with any book like that one has to be careful not to try to overthink it or turn it into the gospel truth.

There is some amount of truth to those things. But phrases like all men. . . or all women. . . are bad because not all men are the same and not all women are the same.

And also there needs to be a degree of balance to it all as well. I strongly desire my spouse to respect me, but I also want her to love me. I would not like for her to respect me but not love me.

Just like you would not like your husband to love you but not respect you. Yes love without respect does exist, its called treating someone like a child. If your husband started treating you like a child, you might have a problem with that.

The real truth is that on average men place a greater importance on respect while women place a greater importance on love. But both are still important to both partners.

I should also say that its a huge problem among todays women to not respect their husbands. Its far to acceptable to talk about one's husband as if he is another child, especially to other women. You've heard it before "I have 3 children, a son, a daughter and a husband." Lets just say most men don't find that joke funny, its only the women who are yuking it up about that one.

 

[chaz345]

There are some truths to those things but with any book like that one has to be careful not to try to overthink it or turn it into the gospel truth.

There is some amount of truth to those things. But phrases like all men. . . or all women. . . are bad because not all men are the same and not all women are the same.

And also there needs to be a degree of balance to it all as well. I strongly desire my spouse to respect me, but I also want her to love me. I would not like for her to respect me but not love me.

Just like you would not like your husband to love you but not respect you. Yes love without respect does exist, its called treating someone like a child. If your husband started treating you like a child, you might have a problem with that.

The real truth is that on average men place a greater importance on respect while women place a greater importance on love. But both are still important to both partners.

I should also say that its a huge problem among todays women to not respect their husbands. Its far to acceptable to talk about one's husband as if he is another child, especially to other women. You've heard it before "I have 3 children, a son, a daughter and a husband." Lets just say most men don't find that joke funny, its only the women who are yuking it up about that one.

I agree with you but feel the need to clarify a couple of things.

1) The author never says all men or all women. He speaks in generalities

2) Every time this book/concept is brought up, the obvious statement that both men and women need both love and respect is mentioned and I'm not sure why since the author makes that point very clear. For whatever reason his saying "men's primary need is respect" gets turned into "men don't need love" and so people feel the need to say that yes men do need love.


But I absolutely agree that with this, or any relationship book or teaching, one needs to understand that it is talking in generalities and that their own spouse or marriage may be different.

 

[Conservativation]

I agree with you but feel the need to clarify a couple of things.

1) The author never says all men or all women. He speaks in generalities

2) Every time this book/concept is brought up, the obvious statement that both men and women need both love and respect is mentioned and I'm not sure why since the author makes that point very clear. For whatever reason his saying "men's primary need is respect" gets turned into "men don't need love" and so people feel the need to say that yes men do need love.


But I absolutely agree that with this, or any relationship book or teaching, one needs to understand that it is talking in generalities and that their own spouse or marriage may be different.

same reason the confusion reigns in the other threads

 

[FaithPrevails]

This thread is based on the book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs titled, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. I'm a newlywed and recieved this book as a present during my bridal shower, and am finally finding the time to read it now.

Although I find a lot of it redundant it does get an interesting point across, that women desire unconditional love most in marriage, and men desire unconditional respect from their spouses the most. The principle is based on Ephesians 5:33. I was wondering if anyone had read the book and could offer their perspective, or whatever you'd like to share.

I haven't been married long, but I have benefited from some of the teachings of this book. One, as obvious as it might sound, is to remember that we are both spouses of good will towards each other (meaning we're not acting purposely trying to hurt the other) and that I have to learn how to state my opinions in a respectful manner.

Anyway pretty simple concepts but I thought pretty good as well. I am learning to put them to good use

I'm pretty sure this is the DVD series that I have that I mentioned to someone else.

Yes, it has some good take-aways in it. Of course, every couple is unique so YMMV - but, overall, they are good concepts to apply toward marriage.

I think the most important part you mentioned is the spouses of good will. This can be especially difficult to do/remember when we're upset about something or when our spouse is upset with us.

DH and I both try to be mindful of how we're speaking to one another and if one of us says, "hey - the way you're talking to me right now isn't very respectful/loving" we're usually pretty good at taking a step back and adjusting our attitudes.

 

[Periann]

I guess I should have checked other threads to see whether this book was brought up before. Sorry! The thought occurred to me but I was working with a slow internet connection and was too lazy to dig.

And yes the author never states that love and respect are exclusive of each other, or that men don't desire love or women don't desire respect, and he does speak in generalities. It did seem a little one-sided but there were some good points that helped me. I thought the unconditional respect concept as something I haven't heard before.

 

[FaithPrevails]

There wasn't another thread on it - I just happened ot mention it to someone else in a thread. At least not recently, have I seen one on the book.

 

[chaz345]

I guess I should have checked other threads to see whether this book was brought up before. Sorry! The thought occurred to me but I was working with a slow internet connection and was too lazy to dig.

And yes the author never states that love and respect are exclusive of each other, or that men don't desire love or women don't desire respect, and he does speak in generalities. It did seem a little one-sided but there were some good points that helped me. I thought the unconditional respect concept as something I haven't heard before.

That it's been discussed before is no reason to not bring it up again so no reason to appologize. And like Faith says, it's been quite a while since it's been discussed. I know that some forums are pretty uptight about duplicating or re-discussing the same topic of past threads, this place isn't one of them so don't feel like you did anything wrong.

 

[Periann]

Thanks FaithPrevails and Chaz I appreciate it! Hope some good discussion comes out of this.

If anyone's read the book in it's entirety, can you explain what you understood to be the author's take on giving unconditional respect to your husband and maybe even give examples? I've been researching on it and there seems to be so many conflicting attitudes to that idea.

 

[chaz345]

Thanks FaithPrevails and Chaz I appreciate it! Hope some good discussion comes out of this.

If anyone's read the book in it's entirety, can you explain what you understood to be the author's take on giving unconditional respect to your husband and maybe even give examples? I've been researching on it and there seems to be so many conflicting attitudes to that idea.

Usually when the concept of unconditional respect is raised the objections center on the idea that that will excuse or enable ongoing bad behavior. The thing is just like the person and their actions can be separated when it comes to loving them, so can they be separated when it comes to respecting them.

But overall, people have no problem with the idea that love is to be unconditional, that is, that it doesn't need to be earned. However, for most people respect is something that needs to be earned. Or to put it another way, we've got no problems with being told that we should love someone when they are being unloveable, but huge problems with being told that we should respect someone when they haven't earned it.

I've not read the whole book, but my take on respect, especially in cases where he's acting in an unrespectable way, is to find something, anything no matter how seemingly insignificant that you can respect about him. People live up to our expectations of them so rather than respect causing someone to continue on in their bad behavior, it can easily cause them to start behaving more respectably.

Consider the example of Christ. He loved us even while we were still rejecting him. Was the response to continue rejecting Him? No our response to that love is to accept him and to start doing our best to act in a way that is pleasing to Him. Same thing can happen with a wife respecting her husband. In fact 1Peter says that a wife's respect, even for a non-believing husband, can lead to his salvation.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I agree with you but feel the need to clarify a couple of things.

1) The author never says all men or all women. He speaks in generalities

2) Every time this book/concept is brought up, the obvious statement that both men and women need both love and respect is mentioned and I'm not sure why since the author makes that point very clear. For whatever reason his saying "men's primary need is respect" gets turned into "men don't need love" and so people feel the need to say that yes men do need love.


But I absolutely agree that with this, or any relationship book or teaching, one needs to understand that it is talking in generalities and that their own spouse or marriage may be different.

Maybe that because the presenters of his seminars say things like,"The bible never tells women to love their husbands, only to respect them."

Right there, that statement is false, and the whole teaching starts to lose credibility. I think that he has built a doctrine from one verse, and completely ignored others. That is very dangerous.

Also, how can you separate the two? I feel hurt and unloved, when I feel disrespected. There is in fact, no way for me to feel loved, if I feel disrespected. I imagine that is also true for a man. He likely feels unloved when he feels disrespected. So focusing so heavily on those semantics seems pointless to me.

 

[Romanseight2005]

There are some truths to those things but with any book like that one has to be careful not to try to overthink it or turn it into the gospel truth.

There is some amount of truth to those things. But phrases like all men. . . or all women. . . are bad because not all men are the same and not all women are the same.

And also there needs to be a degree of balance to it all as well. I strongly desire my spouse to respect me, but I also want her to love me. I would not like for her to respect me but not love me.

Just like you would not like your husband to love you but not respect you. Yes love without respect does exist, its called treating someone like a child. If your husband started treating you like a child, you might have a problem with that.

The real truth is that on average men place a greater importance on respect while women place a greater importance on love. But both are still important to both partners.

I should also say that its a huge problem among todays women to not respect their husbands. Its far to acceptable to talk about one's husband as if he is another child, especially to other women. You've heard it before "I have 3 children, a son, a daughter and a husband." Lets just say most men don't find that joke funny, its only the women who are yuking it up about that one.

But I do respect my child. So maybe clarifications need to be made about how we define respect. My child does not have ultimate authority over himself, it is limited to family rules. We make many decision for him, but, if he is adamantly opposed, then will respect his desires, unless it's a matter of grave importance. With both my husband and I, we can make our own choices, but we must defer to each other, or consider one another with all of our decisions, or else we will be disrespecting each other. If I am understanding you correctly, it sounds like you are talking about authority. The man needs to be in authority above everyone else. Is that it? I guess that goes back to whether you believe in mutual submission, or one way submission.

 

[chaz345]

Maybe that because the presenters of his seminars say things like,"The bible never tells women to love their husbands, only to respect them."

Right there, that statement is false, and the whole teaching starts to lose credibility. I think that he has built a doctrine from one verse, and completely ignored others. That is very dangerous.

Also, how can you separate the two? I feel hurt and unloved, when I feel disrespected. There is in fact, no way for me to feel loved, if I feel disrespected. I imagine that is also true for a man. He likely feels unloved when he feels disrespected. So focusing so heavily on those semantics seems pointless to me.

It is false? Where then? Where does the Bible specifically tell wives to love their husbands? Of course it tells all believers to love everyone but that's different than the specific commands to wives and husbands. Doesn't mean that it doesn't apply, it just means that there is no such specific command.

And even at that, there is a difference between saying that the Bible never commands wives to love their husbands and saying that men don't need love.

If I recall an interview I heard with the author correctly, he says that the reason that women are not commanded to love their husbands is not that men don't need love but because love is a woman's "native language" so they don't need to be reminded to do it. Same with men and respecting their wives. Respect is the man's "native language" so he doesn't need to be reminded to respect his wife. Of course that each is one gender's "native language" doesn't mean that they do it well all the time in all cases.

 

[chaz345]

But I do respect my child. So maybe clarifications need to be made about how we define respect. My child does not have ultimate authority over himself, it is limited to family rules. We make many decision for him, but, if he is adamantly opposed, then will respect his desires, unless it's a matter of grave importance. With both my husband and I, we can make our own choices, but we must defer to each other, or consider one another with all of our decisions, or else we will be disrespecting each other. If I am understanding you correctly, it sounds like you are talking about authority. The man needs to be in authority above everyone else. Is that it? I guess that goes back to whether you believe in mutual submission, or one way submission.

But is the respect you have for your child the same as that which you have for your husband, or for God, or for your boss? No, of course it isn't. Different relationships would of course mean that the respect within that relationship, or the love within that relationship would look and be different.

 

[Romanseight2005]

It is false? Where then? Where does the Bible specifically tell wives to love their husbands? Of course it tells all believers to love everyone but that's different than the specific commands to wives and husbands. Doesn't mean that it doesn't apply, it just means that there is no such specific command.

And even at that, there is a difference between saying that the Bible never commands wives to love their husbands and saying that men don't need love.

If I recall an interview I heard with the author correctly, he says that the reason that women are not commanded to love their husbands is not that men don't need love but because love is a woman's "native language" so they don't need to be reminded to do it. Same with men and respecting their wives. Respect is the man's "native language" so he doesn't need to be reminded to respect his wife. Of course that each is one gender's "native language" doesn't mean that they do it well all the time in all cases.

Titus 2:3-4
the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things — 4 that they admonish the young women to love their husbands , to love their children,
NKJV


It matters very much though when the Author says that the bible doesn't say something that it does say. That tells me this guy hasn't read his bible, and his credibility goes out the window.

 

[Romanseight2005]

But is the respect you have for your child the same as that which you have for your husband, or for God, or for your boss? No, of course it isn't. Different relationships would of course mean that the respect within that relationship, or the love within that relationship would look and be different.

But why? You are specifically talking about bowing to authority, are you not?

 

[chaz345]

But why? You are specifically talking about bowing to authority, are you not?

Ahh, no. What exactly gives you the idea that I am?

 

[c1ners]

Love and respect (to me) go hand and hand. If you don't love your spouse it's hard to show them respect and visa versa.

Examples: Love: Let's say the wife is not feeling very well. Her tummy hurts and she's just a little irritable and not showing much resect to her husband. The husband understands that she's feeling a little under the weather and instead of going off at her for being disrespectful he makes her a cup of tea and/or brings her a heating pad for her tummy.

Respect: The husband works hard. He comes home early from work one day and decides to surprise the wife by washing a load of towels. However, he doesn't fold the towels exactly the same way the wife does. The wife comes home and instead of nit picking and telling him that he didn't do it right, she praises his efforts and thanks him for all he does for her.

There are many other examples of course, but for now, those are the two I've come up with.

 

[Conservativation]

But why? You are specifically talking about bowing to authority, are you not?

He was actually describing the rules to chutes and ladders

 

[Romanseight2005]

Ahh, no. What exactly gives you the idea that I am?

I am asking you to define exactly why the way you respect your boss, verses your child, are different. It's either ability, or position of authority.