let's talk about sex?

[mrjr03]

Hey guys,
SO, i'm home for the summer from university and I have been helping out with my church's youth group. I have the pleasure of hanging out with girls that are 12, 13, and 14 years old. Now, i've been building relationships with a few of them over the past few years (after having had them in my tent for camp one year).

I'm curious, if you are involved with preteens and teens, how do you talk about sex... if you talk about it at all?

I am asking because right now I am feeling a little frustrated because these girls obviously are curious (i mean, come on... it's that age there are pressures all over the place from the media that they are presented with and with their peers) but my frustration isn't in their curiosity, my frustration is in the fact that it doesn't appear that the topic has really been addressed during the lesson time, and am finding that they are coming and confiding in me, and talking about things with me. I find it hard to say anything to "help" or to give advice because they aren't being taught things about Godly relationships so there's not much to build on (I suppose that means that I should start with the foundations... it's just hard when they are wanting to skip to the top...)

I donno...do you guys talk to your youth about sex? And how do you do it

 

[heymikey80]

Yes, we talk about sex. The problem is, if you focus directly on sex, you're essentially focused on the operation and the passion, but not the purpose.

So it does take a foundation. Sex is not something to be trifled with.

I bring up a little snippet like one of these oh, every month or so in groups, even on off-topic conversations about right & wrong:

• The most visible distinctive of Christian life for the past 2000 years has been Christian sexuality. In persecutions Christians died for being chaste. They were different, and they were often discovered and sent to the Arena because they refused sexual advances. That's your history. That's how high a price Christians put on their sexuality.
• The New Testament puts the second-most general Greek word for "sexuality" as sinfulness. The most general is "eros", which is never used. The second-most general is "inappropriate contentea", and you can hear the term "inappropriate contentography" in it. This word reaches far, to any kind of improper, wrong, or unnatural sexuality. Paul is really far-reaching, here.
• Sexuality is different. In fact, if you were to come to me about a drug problem, I'd be talking with you about abuse and addictive things as being wrong, and I'd love to help you out of it. But drugs are not identified by Scripture as something that's toxic to your spirit. Sexual sin is. It ranks high up there, in Paul, in Jesus, throughout the New Testament. With drugs, you may have an underlying spiritual problem, or maybe not. With sex, you definitely do.
• Inquisitiveness about sex is not sex -- "knowing the path is not walking the path" -- so if you're asking just to ask, it's fine. But if you get sexually involved, you'll realize how easily sex changes your outlook. It's not a simple thing to deal with. You can't dip your big toe in and expect to keep the rest of yourself separated from it.
• For people who have been involved sexually -- God knows you and still loves you. He knew before your life began what you'd get involved with, and He still loves you. Through this life we'll all end up doing sinful things, things worthy of death. God's given His Own Son for us to be renewed to a new life with Him.

I think periodically slipping into discussions with a mindset is more effective, because then sexuality can be seen as something affecting all sorts of different areas. When I integrate something into the lessons, I find I get a more integrated understanding out of students.

There's a lot of material out there, too. I kind of look for words or catch-phrases that'll come stampeding to mind as a sort of signpost. The last book I perused definitely had that: "Don't Date Naked" by the Smalleys. It had some pretty good practical instructions in it. I'm not sure how much of the book's examples remained current after 10 years.

 

[we are called]

I talk about it with the kids in my group, but not really directly. They hear about STD's, pregnancy etc at school and home. what I mention is the fact that no one has ever complained about waiting to have sex, but there are innumberable people who regret doing it before they were marrried.

I have a few young ladies (15-16yoa) that claim to be sexually active, and I don't doubt them. For them, the only thing that got their attention was pregnancy. They didn't care about std's, reputation or living in the way of God. It's important to keep the Biblical precident involved, but the fact is that there are plently of 'right here right now' reasons, that will show immediate concequence to their actions.

 

[Christ-ian]

mike, you give good advise....i am enjoying your answers!

 

[Christ-ian]

myjr03, thanks for the question!
mike, forgot to thank you for your answers!

 

[NJBeliever]

Yes, talk about it! I am doing "Christian living" this weekend. And we will be talking about sex an gay sex. And while i am going to mention the consequences of STDS, AIDS, pregnancy, etc. I really am focusing on how it is sin that is driving us to do these things things. That is the real issue. Our sinful nature and hearts taking us away from God. Without a good spiritual foundation (prayer, Bible study, church), youth are going to fall into sexual sin.

And I am explaining that Jesus Our Lord Himself called Satan a "murderer." Satan wants to kill us. And if he can't kill us physically, he will kill our testimony and make us weak Christians. And he wants to kill the family by increasing babies out of wedlock, broken homes and creating men and women who have no respect for fidelity. Finally, he will kill the unborn by abortion.

So many kids in youth get into intimate relationships, fornicate and then stop coming to church as much out of guilt. And soon they drop off altogether. This is a bad cycle. So we have to just be real with kids up front and tell them that it's much more about loving God and His temple (your body) and that we have to be strong in our love of God and obedience. A sin is not disqualification. But when we sin, we need to get back to church ASAP. We need to pray ASAP and we need to remove the influences (certain people, inappropriate content, etc) that keep sexual temptation high.

Kids need to hear this! I am all for youth pastors/ministers showing them that fornication is sin against God first and foremost. And that sin unchecked will lead to all the consequences mentioned before. God bless.

 

[ForHisGlory2009]

Hello,

I think some people here have offered some really great advice. The thing is I think it's important to cover emotionally, and spiritual effects of having sex and all.

Like I think it's important to cover when you have sex with someone, union is complete you and that person become one naturally (while having sex) and spiritually. You tend to pick up there way as habits you are joining yourselfs as one, as someone does when they are married. Sexual sin is sin that is commited against the physical temple that God is suppose dwell in. I think it's important to revisit the fact that yes people can get pregnant from thieir first time, there is no rule for how many times it takes to get pregnant. Emotionally it could take someone on a roller coaster because sooner or later chances are they will regret giving themselves to someone other than their husband. It opens the door to pregnancy, Sexaully Trasmitted Dieases, and other things that you don't have to go through if you remain virgin/not sexually active. Condoms, Birth control and all other types of conpectives (ways to have protected sex) are not I repeat are not 100% effective even when used or taken all the time etc. There is always still a chance of becoming pregnant, getting HIV, or STDs. Why put yourself through something you don't have to. I think it's important to address that having sex will not make you look or seem cool, it doesn't make a guy/girl really love you for you, or even that they will stay with you. They like you for what you are willing to provide them. It's important to love yourself enough, love your future spouse, and love God enough not to give into sexual tempation. Sin seperates us from God, following God's plan bring us closer. The sin is not in being tempted but it's about giving into the temptation.


But we also have to remember to tell them for those who have already given themselves away there is a chance to get it right. Feeling guilty about the situation will not change it, we understand that people do fall into sin, but there is a difference between making a mistake and practicing sin. But the thing is we have to repent and ask for forgiveness (repent means to literally turn from our wicked ways). When we make that turn we do it for the better, we don't keep going back into the same thing. I would also mention if they feel that they need special prayer for them I would ask them not to feel guuilty but if they do need it I would suggest that they get special prayer while there, or even going up for a prayer on a sunday they don't have to say for what but come to God with it in prayer, or even to talk or to email text message on of the youth leaders or someone else they trust that can pray for them through the situation. Also it's important to mention that when we commit sin and it's left unchecked or if we don't take care of the situation it leads to more sin and also can lead to different types of sin.

I am not a youth leader/pastor/minister or anything but just alittle something that I know that is important. It's important to try not to sugar coat the truth. They need the truth, it's what will help them heal them and set them free.

 

[twiggysara]

From the perspective of being a "helper" with the youth, please keep your youth pastor in the loop on these issues. Even within the church, there are lots of different perspectives on sex, what consitutes sex, why sex is wrong outside of marriage, etc. I think it's important for the whole leadership team to be on the same page with these issues. And although most teens don't want to talk with their parents about sex, I think it's important to encourage them to do so, assuming that you know their parents and know that they're safe in doing so. When it comes to the kids of Christian parents, I try to respect that relationship as much as possible.

 

[MLEN]

I've discussed the topic with kids in our youth prayer meeting. But I didn't start with sex directly. I started with the topic of love. We discussed loving God, enemies, friends, etc. according to what the Bible says. Then we went into the topic of sex in the context of what we learned about love. Again, we searched the scriptures to find out what God says about sex. We discussed what God says is improper sexual behavior (homosexuality, adultery, pre-marital, inappropriate behavior with animals, incest), and what God says is proper (within marriage).

Hope this helps.

 

[beforHim]

Most of the above advice sounds really good. I'm trying myself to learn how and what to say to youth about this. So far, this thread has been a huge help.

Good highlights from above:
-Spiritual implications mentoned in the above threads, HUGE! They know about the physical, but they don't thnk much about the spiritual.
-Keep the youth pastor in the loop: Yes, please do!
-Breaking up of the family (I never thought about this before, but DUH!)
-VERY few ever complains about waiting, but MANY complain about not (waiting for marriage to have sex, that is)
-The difference between "luv" and "LOVE", between eros and stroge/phileo/agape.
-They've heard all about STDs and such at school, BUT it's still good to review it, even if quickly, because some might not have, and some might not care- so hearing it in an atmosphere other than school might help turn a light on.
-And of course, yes, God forgives all and loves all.

OK, some things that I would add:

-What leads to sex? Self Control is not seeing how far we can go, and then not doing it. Self control is not ging far in the first place (I'd say not going aywere!)
-Oral, anal, even hand jobs and such: even if you still think "I'm a virgin". . .it's still sexual sin. It's not virginity which is commanded, but chastetity in it's highest.
-When you've been chaste until your marraige, your spouse sees you're trustworthy and have self control. You've saved yourself, in essence, just for them.
-When you get married, you don't want to say "Dang you're good!" because you've had experience before.
-Good analogy: Glue two pices of paper together, then take them apart. Also: sex is like fire: it's better when it's restrained to a fireplace.

But to get a topic started on sex, and not get caught up in STDs, homosexuality, "Am I a virgin if...", "Why wait until marraige...", etc. etc. My best advice: read a ton about Christian sexuality and about teens and sex. Type in different word combonations at google (such as "Christian Sex", "Sexual SIn", "teen sex", "cristian teen sex", "sex youth groups", etc. etc.) and you'll find LOTS of material- and the reason the net is so good is that you'll get a variety of opinions, some totally wrong (mostly secular ones), and some which are right on, as well as some that are in between. Seeing all the diffreing viewpoints you will see which points are most important, and comparing and contrasting is the best way to force yourself to think about a topic, thus remembering it and be able to spell it out clearly and concisely whenever asked about it (and actually, the inernet search is good for pretty much any topic).

Hope all this helps!

 

[Azureknight 773]

Let's put this in simplicity shall we? God permits it. YES! It is sacred. Without it, no man nor women could ever be existing in this world today.

God loves and permits 2 people (Male and Female) to have sex only when:

1. They are inside of marraige.

God despises it when any or both of these 2 does (for they are evil):

1. Premarital Sex
2. inappropriate behavior with animals
3. Homosexuality
4. Adultery
5. Intra-Familial Sex (incest)

There. That'll do something short yet intelligible.