Leaving a study early

[TipTapToe]

Say a church group met for Bible study once a week, roughly from 7-8:30 in the evening. If one of the persons in the group had a schedule conflict and could only stay for the first 20-30 minutes, would it be fair to ask them to not come to the study at all until they resolve their schedule conflict? Suppose people in the group considers early departures to be to disruptive and they dont see the point in only coming for 20-30 minutes.

Now consider the same situation, but instead of a schedule conflict. The person leaves after 20-30 minutes because they are struggling and that is all they can handle. Struggling primarily due to being hurt by another person in the group. Would it be fair to ask them to not come at all until they can handle staying the whole time? Suppose people consider it to disruptive for someone to leave early, dont see the point of them only coming for 20-30 minutes, and consider the persons behavior and struggle as unbecoming of a 'Christian' group. (i.e a Christian should forgive and get over it).

 

[Sketcher]

Well, I would hope the first time someone leaves early is an emergency, and if it was a regular thing, I would wonder what their problem was. From my point of view, it should be possible to find another Bible study group that meets at a better time for you. And with the personal conflict, that's something you need to resolve privately with the other person regardless. I don't see why anyone would come to a study if they have such a problem with one of the people there that they can't stay past 30 minutes.

 

[DreamsAreFree]

Forgiveness and healing are two different things sometimes. Has anyone thought of offering to mediate between the two people so that they can handle each others company?

 

[Daughter of His]

I do not think you should ask the person leaving early to not attend. You could ask them to leave quietly so as not to disrupt the class. In my opinion, it's not wise to ask a person to not attend a Bible study, that could very well be something a person would have to answer for someday.

 

[kellyc]

why can't the person leaving early sit in the back? i don't see why it's anyone's business if they leave early or not. just go quietly, no one needs to know why.

 

[bliz]

I can't believe this is even a concern. Be thankful that they can come for whatever time they come, and help them sit where they can make an easy exit.

If there is an ongoing problem with a member of the group, there are clear Biblical instructions on how to handle conflict and how others can help make that happen. But it's a separate issue from the schedule.

 

[Forealzchola]

why can't the person leaving early sit in the back? i don't see why it's anyone's business if they leave early or not. just go quietly, no one needs to know why.

agreed

 

[dodolah]

Think about the impact you are giving off to others..
Essentially, here is what you are saying:
"I'm sorry.. it's kinda annoying to see you guys here. So, please get out of my club."

Now... i know that you don't mean it that way. But, that is what those people you kicked out will feel.
You will become a stumbling block for other christians by doing so.
What you can do is offer them counseling (those who have problem with other people) or offer them a ride to those who are often late.

If they are late because of a good reason.. why would you want to bar them from hearing the word of God?

 

[TipTapToe]

Well, I would hope the first time someone leaves early is an emergency, and if it was a regular thing, I would wonder what their problem was. From my point of view, it should be possible to find another Bible study group that meets at a better time for you. And with the personal conflict, that's something you need to resolve privately with the other person regardless. I don't see why anyone would come to a study if they have such a problem with one of the people there that they can't stay past 30 minutes.

What if one of the two refuses to resolve the conflict privately. Do you think it is ok for the other to take it to a more public level? Maybe in hopes that others may then intervene.

I can't believe this is even a concern. Be thankful that they can come for whatever time they come, and help them sit where they can make an easy exit.

If there is an ongoing problem with a member of the group, there are clear Biblical instructions on how to handle conflict and how others can help make that happen. But it's a separate issue from the schedule.

Its a concern because someone leaving early and abruptly is embarassing. It causes others to have to explain that persons behavior. Which in the case of someone leaving due to a scheduling conflict isnt so bad, but its really difficult when its about avoiding someone (who is in the room). Is it fair that one person, who struggles and behaves oddly, force the leaders in the group to explain and account for their actions every week? Particularly to the new and newer people that are there, obviously the people that have been around will better understand. If that is not fair, then is it reasonable to just ask the person to not even come until they are healed?

As for resolving any conflict, who would be involved in that?

 

[Macx]

Matthew 18

15`And if thy brother may sin against thee, go and show him his fault between thee and him alone, if he may hear thee, thou didst gain thy brother;
16and if he may not hear, take with thee yet one or two, that by the mouth of two witnesses or three every word may stand. 17`And if he may not hear them, say [it] to the assembly, and if also the assembly he may not hear, let him be to thee as the heathen man and the tax-gatherer.

Words are in red for the traditional reason (Jesus speaking).

First you go alone, then you take a witness, then to the group & then someone needs to leave. Each step is important. When selecting a witness, care should be used i.e. a strong Christian of good reputation and as neutral as possible.

 

[bliz]

Its a concern because someone leaving early and abruptly is embarassing. It causes others to have to explain that persons behavior. Which in the case of someone leaving due to a scheduling conflict isnt so bad, but its really difficult when its about avoiding someone (who is in the room). Is it fair that one person, who struggles and behaves oddly, force the leaders in the group to explain and account for their actions every week? Particularly to the new and newer people that are there, obviously the people that have been around will better understand. If that is not fair, then is it reasonable to just ask the person to not even come until they are healed?

As for resolving any conflict, who would be involved in that?[/quote]

Oh, well, if you are concerned about appearances, then that's an excellent reason to tell someone no to come to Bible study.

Check out Peacemaker Ministries for details on conflict resolution. It starts with the two people involved in conflict, with one of them going directly to the other and starting the conversation. They both need to be told that this is the Biblical method for addressing problems with one another. This is not an optional activity, and it may need to be attempted many times before there is any progress, but other members of the church need to remind both parties that this is the necessary path and refuse any other course of action, like talking is over as a neutral third party or getting the pastor involved.

 

[Macx]

That isn't exactly Biblical -

Matthew 18

15`And if thy brother may sin against thee, go and show him his fault between thee and him alone, if he may hear thee, thou didst gain thy brother;

16and if he may not hear, take with thee yet one or two, that by the mouth of two witnesses or three every word may stand. 17`And if he may not hear them, say [it] to the assembly, and if also the assembly he may not hear, let him be to thee as the heathen man and the tax-gatherer.

Words are in red for the traditional reason (Jesus speaking).

First you go alone, then you take a witness, then to the group & then someone needs to leave. Each step is important. When selecting a witness, care should be used i.e. a strong Christian of good reputation and as neutral as possible.

There is a time to bring witnesses and even a time to bring it out towards the whole group . . . if after all of that, it isn't resolved the Bible clearly says what to do. Getting hung up at stage one and not progressing through the steps isn't quite right, close but not quite.

 

[heron]

I have been in fellowships that were so legalistic about these things that they bordered on cults. Thinking back to situations like this, there were none I can recall that would have been better off if the person stayed.

What is the big deal? If the person has problems with what the group said, consider there might be more problems with the group, than the person leaving. We really can't say what a person has been going through.

I have had friends who left church services because a pastor's terminology was too close to an abuser's from their childhood... who were reprimanded by other members for an inconvenient work schedule... who couldn't afford to go to retreats and were therefore considered unspiritual.

It is really none of our business if someone leaves a meeting. God is in charge of their comings and goings, not us. Even if the person leaves in a huff, that will allow the group to stay focused on their topic.

If the member chooses to engage in conversation over the differences of opinion, then make a decision how much time to devote to that... whether one person should talk with them privately.

 

[christandisrael]

Things happen. Allow it.

 

[Mela Monkey]

I think it's fine if someone leaves early because if they have a schedule conflict, them being there shows that they probably do care about God and want to have a strong bond with him.

If they leave early because of other people in the group though, that's another question. There I think you have to try to resolve the conflict. The person who leaves early, and the person/people who hurt them, need to talk about what exactly is wrong, and forgive eachother.

Something like this happened to my church about a year ago. Two people had a disagreement over something (don't know exactly what) and one of the familys ended up leaving the church because they were unwilling to forgive the other person.
I hope this doesn't happen to the people in your group, that's why it is so important to be just as forgiving as God is.

 

[TipTapToe]

Oh, well, if you are concerned about appearances, then that's an excellent reason to tell someone no to come to Bible study.

Check out Peacemaker Ministries for details on conflict resolution. It starts with the two people involved in conflict, with one of them going directly to the other and starting the conversation. They both need to be told that this is the Biblical method for addressing problems with one another. This is not an optional activity, and it may need to be attempted many times before there is any progress, but other members of the church need to remind both parties that this is the necessary path and refuse any other course of action, like talking is over as a neutral third party or getting the pastor involved.

It would seem to be about appearance on the surface, but wouldnt it make sense for a group to ensure there isnt any odd behavior so that they dont drive out new people?

Other than the person that is struggling to be around another, no one else thinks there is a conflict. Whatever that was done or said that lead to this person getting hurt happened in the past.

Maybe the more important question is, if this person decides to participate and still leaves early (disobeying what theyve been told), if they dont change their behavior, would it Biblical for the group to tell them they are no longer welcome period? At the very least, no longer welcome until they prove they will be able meet the expectations of the group.

 

[heron]

It would seem to be about appearance on the surface, but wouldnt it make sense for a group to ensure there isnt any odd behavior so that they dont drive out new people?

The "dealing" can drive out new people too. I would let the person go on as they need to, then spend a minute talking about the situation responsibly after he has chosen to walk out-- if you feel that the new people need to understand something.

If he is just doing it for drama, then he wants people to come chasing after him or to feel remorse. If he is truly upset, then the group should not gang up on him to prove how right they were. This is often what happens when conflicts are resolved in a group -- by consensus rather than mutual forgiveness.

In all you do, make it an example of how Christ would have you respond. Conflicts are great opportunities for training.

The prodigal son ran off like that, and the father let him live out his own consequences... then welcomed him with open arms upon return.

 

[heron]

(disobeying what theyve been told)

This is an adult Bible study, no? Obey?

It sounds more like the person is annoying in general, and members are looking for an excuse to drive him out.

If it is a church-sponsored study, then it needs to be open to the people off the streets, the lame and poor and unchurched. If it is a private group of friends that decided to meet together in homes, then the decision can be a little more opinionated.

 

[lilmissmontana]

Say a church group met for Bible study once a week, roughly from 7-8:30 in the evening. If one of the persons in the group had a schedule conflict and could only stay for the first 20-30 minutes, would it be fair to ask them to not come to the study at all until they resolve their schedule conflict? Suppose people in the group considers early departures to be to disruptive and they dont see the point in only coming for 20-30 minutes.

I think any opportunity we have to leave a door open to the Word is vital in these times ... I can attest to the fact that it only takes a few seconds to hear the exact words ione needs to hear ... words that really stike home. In that twenty minutes if it's left to God to determine those minutes He could land quite a few of those. Someone spoke (I think Heron) on findinf a different time that meets everyone's needs ... not a bad idea.

Now consider the same situation, but instead of a schedule conflict. The person leaves after 20-30 minutes because they are struggling and that is all they can handle. Struggling primarily due to being hurt by another person in the group. Would it be fair to ask them to not come at all until they can handle staying the whole time? Suppose people consider it to disruptive for someone to leave early, dont see the point of them only coming for 20-30 minutes, and consider the persons behavior and struggle as unbecoming of a 'Christian' group. (i.e a Christian should forgive and get over it).

I think if you ask the hurt person (Jesus says leave the sheep that are alright and go after the lost one) you're missing a wonderful opportunity to be of encouragement or what ever is needed. They've been hurt ... it doesn't seem they should be punished for that. Perhaps the person who did the hurting has some accountability here ... did this happen at one of the meetings? that would make a difference, as well ... if it did, it would seem there's some siding going on.

It would be nice to think the hurt person could be big enough to step out for a while but it's a rare person who can be that gracious in the middle of being hurt ... and maybe needs encouragement, etc.

Maybe instead of everyone beating around the bush there should be a meeting of all to resolve the issue once and for all ... sort of speak now or forever hold your peace ...

It seems a pretty hard answer to give without knowing more ... just some thoughts

 

[Deba]

Since you are concerned about this you are either the leader, another member of the class, or the one leaving early. If you are either of the first two suggest the person sit near the exit (perhaps you even sit with) and offer to catch the person up on missed notes between meetings.

If you are the offended person - God has given you an opportunity to work through this so that you are not stunted (spiritually) for life. No matter the offense, pray for the offender, then God can heal your heart. You will experience a miracle. But don't stop going, stay 10 minutes more each week and pray. In the class focus on the lesson. Do not let someone who has offended you pull you out of obedience to God.