just want some outside opinions

[Vernieb]

My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship and then we have two children together as well. Our youngest is almost a year old. While I was pregnant with her my husband said that he was going to get a vasectomy. Time passed and he never got one. I had the baby and decided to get an IUD since he still had not followed through. Well, 10 months later...., guess what!? I'm pregnant again! Apparently, the IUD was still in place and everything, but somehow I still concieved. So as you can imagine I started pressing the issue of him going ahead and really getting this done. Again, he keeps saying he's going to, but he's not actually taking any measures to do it, like researching, making an appt, nothing. Then the other day he said, "well can't you just get your tubes tied?" It actually really made me angry, b/c I feel like he doesn't consider my well being and that he is being selfish. I just wanted to get some outside opinions, b/c I also wonder if I'm just being selfish. I feel like it's way more of a complicated procedure for me, it's also more expensive and I have already gone through birthing the children, nursing them, taking time off work, recovering, etc. I mean I know he can't carry the children, birth, or nurse them, but can't he do this as his part?

 

[Dave-W]

Not much we can do here to tell him to do it.

Have you had the baby yet? If it is by cesearian section, it is much simpler for you to get the tubal. (we explored this back in the day) If it is a normal birth - it is easier for him to get the vas.

Praise God you got pregnant. IUDs are abortion inducers and that was one baby that refused to be aborted.

 

[annafullofgrace]

This procedure is more complicated for women. After our third, we decided not to have anymore because my pregnancies were hard and high risk. My husband opted for a vasectomy, so I didn't have to go through another surgery. The procedure took maybe 20 minutes and it's done in the urologist office. Have you and he talked about the pros and cons of each procedure? That's what we did and it made the decision very clear.

 

[Vernieb]

Not much we can do here to tell him to do it.

Have you had the baby yet? If it is by cesearian section, it is much simpler for you to get the tubal. (we explored this back in the day) If it is a normal birth - it is easier for him to get the vas.

Praise God you got pregnant. IUDs are abortion inducers and that was one baby that refused to be aborted.

No. I haven't had the baby yet. I'm due in December. Not sure what will happen yet as far as c-section

 

[Dave-W]

This procedure is more complicated for women. After our third, we decided not to have anymore because my oregano use were hard and high risk. My husband opted for a vasectomy, so I didn't have to go through another surgery. The procedure took maybe 20 minutes and it's done in the urologist office. Have you and he talked about the pros and cons of each procedure? That's what we did and it made the decision very clear.

Yes - it needs to be talked over with your doctor. (you, your husband, and the doctor)

In our case our GP (now called Primary Care Phys.) was also fully certified as an OB/GYN including certification for doing Caesarian Section surgery. Since our last was born caesarian, he said the simplest way was to just clip the tubes while he was already in there. No extra surgery. No extra healing time. But that was us. Had it not been that type of birth, we would have went the other way and I would have been clipped.

 

[Vernieb]

This procedure is more complicated for women. After our third, we decided not to have anymore because my oregano use were hard and high risk. My husband opted for a vasectomy, so I didn't have to go through another surgery. The procedure took maybe 20 minutes and it's done in the urologist office. Have you and he talked about the pros and cons of each procedure? That's what we did and it made the decision very clear.

Yes. We have talked about it. I have sent him some information comparing the two procedures. Like I said he says he's going to do it, but he seems scared.

 

[Dave-W]

Yes. We have talked about it. I have sent him some information comparing the two procedures. Like I said he says he's going to do it, but he seems scared.

I get that. It can be seen as a major hit to his manhood.

Does he have a urologist? If so, perhaps that doc can have him talk to others that have had it done to ease his mind.

 

[Mayzoo]

Does he have any guy friends or family he can discuss this with that have already had the procedure?

 

[dinonum]

Does he actually want it done? I understand why this is difficult for you, but it seems like maybe he doesn't actually feel comfortable with the idea. Maybe sitting down with him in a neutral kind of way, and just discussing the pros and cons would be a good idea? Be careful not to look at this as something he has to do but instead something that he can consider, because it is and should be his choice.

 

[Vernieb]

No he doesn't have a urologist. We have a couple of friends that have had it done that he has talked to about it. I don't know about wanting it. He probably would say no he doesn't "want" to get it done, but I don't "want" to have it done either. So here we are back at square one.

 

[Hetta]

Does he actually want it done? I understand why this is difficult for you, but it seems like maybe he doesn't actually feel comfortable with the idea. Maybe sitting down with him in a neutral kind of way, and just discussing the pros and cons would be a good idea? Be careful not to look at this as something he has to do but instead something that he can consider, because it is and should be his choice.

Isn't it a choice for them both if they don't want any more children? So if he doesn't make a choice to have a vasectomy then it is on her to have her tubes tied. Does she also get a choice? Perhaps they can just have 20 children while he considers what he should do.

 

[sdmsanjose]

If he does not go through with it would he realize that he needs to do something very special for you for your wellbeing for a long time?

He needs to realize that you have gone through a LOT more than he has in the child bearing and rearing. In addition, you took the action of an IUD so if he is a fair minded man and realizes that you need for him to show that he is not selfish, maybe he will take it upon himself to do something for you that proves that he cares about your wellbeing.

 

[dinonum]

No he doesn't have a urologist. We have a couple of friends that have had it done that he has talked to about it. I don't know about wanting it. He probably would say no he doesn't "want" to get it done, but I don't "want" to have it done either. So here we are back at square one.

Have you found out WHY he doesn't want it done? The permanence of the surgical option is very difficult for some people, men and women, due to the idea that they would no longer be capable of reproducing.

Isn't it a choice for them both if they don't want any more children? So if he doesn't make a choice to have a vasectomy then it is on her to have her tubes tied. Does she also get a choice? Perhaps they can just have 20 children while he considers what he should do.

There are lots of other options in between surgery and 20 kids. Telling a spouse that they have to do something with their body is not something that I, personally, believe is healthy for a relationship. She obviously should have a choice about what she does with her own body.

 

[Avniel]

I don't think you should pressure him to get himself snipped if he doesn't want to. I would never do that it doesn't sound right to me, call me ignorant but I will be ignorant on that one. I've known my wife for what 11 years naw I'm good lol jk jk. But really I don't think that's right making him do something that he isn't comfortable with particularly with his own body.

 

[annafullofgrace]

I certainly agree he shouldn't do it if he really doesn't feel comfortable with it. However, if they are set on one of them getting it done, the procedure for a man is much less complicated. OP-you could always wait til after baby arrives and if for some reason your baby's birth ends in a c-section, the option would be there for you to have your tubes tied.

 

[Vernieb]

Isn't it a choice for them both if they don't want any more children? So if he doesn't make a choice to have a vasectomy then it is on her to have her tubes tied. Does she also get a choice? Perhaps they can just have 20 children while he considers what he should do.

Yes this is how I feel

 

[Vernieb]

If he does not go through with it would he realize that he needs to do something very special for you for your wellbeing for a long time?

He needs to realize that you have gone through a LOT more than he has in the child bearing and rearing. In addition, you took the action of an IUD so if he is a fair minded man and realizes that you need for him to show that he is not selfish, maybe he will take it upon himself to do something for you that proves that he cares about your wellbeing.

Yeah. I don't know. That's how I feel too. I have tried to explain it. How it's more the point that I feel like he doesn't really care what happens to me, but he acts like he doesn't understand. Which maybe he really doesn't?

 

[Vernieb]

Have you found out WHY he doesn't want it done? The permanence of the surgical option is very difficult for some people, men and women, due to the idea that they would no longer be capable of reproducing.


There are lots of other options in between surgery and 20 kids. Telling a spouse that they have to do something with their body is not something that I, personally, believe is healthy for a relationship. She obviously should have a choice about what she does with her own body.

I think he is "afraid" of having things done to his reproductive organs-like something will go wrong and it won't work or something

 

[Vernieb]

I don't think you should pressure him to get himself snipped if he doesn't want to. I would never do that it doesn't sound right to me, call me ignorant but I will be ignorant on that one. I've known my wife for what 11 years naw I'm good lol jk jk. But really I don't think that's right making him do something that he isn't comfortable with particularly with his own body.

I understand that, but his suggestion is that I get my tubes tied, which I don't want to do with my own body so......I dont' know. I don't want to have another child after this so maybe no more sex until something happens.

 

[Vernieb]

Thanks everyone for your input. It did help me realize that my motives are probably centered around feeling a little resentful that I feel like I have already been through so much physically and that in my mind this would be "fair", however you're correct. you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do.