Lets start with, I'm a closed up person. From war to failed marriage, and sinner extraordinaire deflection, misdirection, humor, and making light of things are tools near and dear to my heart. So, I've looked for a place to let it all out from the comfort and privacy of my home. Coward? Maybe. Just another sinner looking for a place to by completely himself unload this weight that is beginning to crush me.
You know how hard it is to find a Christian marriage support forum online? A lot harder than I thought...so, I'm hoping this is it, if not, please let me know.
Begin release.
This craziness has been going on. I try to live, and love as Jesus, I'm sure I'm at fault every step of the way. I give all I can, every bit of me to everyone around me to the point that I shut down. It's never enough, it's always more....something else is needed, wanted, not enough. The depression is in full force at the moment, feeling like it's not worth all the effort. Thinking it'd be much easier on my own, and not dealing with all the BS....ungrateful BS. Is this what my life has come to? Is this how I'm to spend the rest of my days. Loving and giving all I can to be told and shown that's it's just not enough. Is that it? As I write this my depression turns to anger, and compel's me to act on anger. Leave it all behind. F@*% it, what's the point? Why is it that every woman I'm in a relationship with lures me in with kindness, acceptance and intimacy, but turns out to be as selfish as the last, but only over time...a long time. It's like the long con. I can't possibly believe the WHOLE world lives like this. Some people have to be happy. And she'd have me believe over the course of this relationship that if did this right, or that more that we'd be more intimate. While it was A HUGE issue at one point, I've all but let it go. Bringing it up every once in awhile...what does it matter right? Apparently I'm some sex addict, and diagnosed by her as having a million other issues. It's always issues that I have, that I need to resolve, to the point where I think I'm a terrible person...constantly. In bible study tonight, we talked of faith with out works, and I'm sitting here looking at my life...I'm working. I'm putting my faith into acts. Why does even typing it bring feelings as though I shouldn't speak it out loud? I don't even want to be around here, because of the pain that's present...but I love her, and want to make everything better for her. I give....so much that I have nothing left for myself. Time, thoughts, finances, prayer, grace, forgiveness, etc. All I keep thinking is "as Jesus loves the church". And it does humble me, and I let things go. I expect NOTHING from her, not anymore. Is that the right way to do things? God knows I try. I talk to Him everyday, and pray for His will above all things....and well, here I am. What am I doing wrong? Praise Him in all things. In this very moment where I feel completely lost as I do normally. Nothing good is of my doing alone, it is Him through me. I could be in the word more, and I should be....but I'm not. I'm working on it. I pray, and I pray, and I pray. I feel like I'm stuck, in a loveless relationship, to a woman that doesn't know any better. She's "so busy, and so tired, and does so much, because I don't do enough". I can't live with all this negative downtrodden everything. I am doing my very best. Sure, I could do more, I'm sure I'm at fault in all things in some way, but damn, isn't my happiness a concern to her at all? I don't necc need to be happy, I've spent my time in war torn countries half way around the world, sucked it up after sending a Marine home with a flag, and continued on. It, happiness, is not something that I NEED, but am I wrong for wanting my wife to want my happiness? It really bothers me. She's pushy, and ignorant to the basic necc of a relationship, but of course it's all my fault. The kids, my fault, the money, or lack there of, my fault, her not wanting anything to do with me or anything I'm interested in, my fault the list is endless...and it's not that I just feel this way for no reason, it's that she consistently tells me so, or at the very least makes it very clear. I'm not an overly sensitive person....I'm honestly not at all with the world at large, I've only just learned the last couple of years to be ok being vulnerable with her....not that I wasn't vulnerable with her, I was, I just wasn't ok with it way back. We've know each other over 20 years, been together for 7 years. The early years were rough, she was in a bad place and moved in early. We have a blended family of 5 kids, none of them are our together. She has 3 to 3 different guys. I have two to a prior marriage. We've dealt with breaking up and getting back together, infidelity, she's stole from me, and she dealt with in the darkest years of my life post war. There is no amount of explaining or words I could before you that could explain the depth's of the darkness that I dealt with while I was dealing with PTSD with all the other garbage that comes with it. For that, and for that alone she deserves everything I can give her. I mean, she stayed, she tried, she did so much more than anyone else ever. So, I married her, because she did, as she said, deserve it. Still does, and that's why I'm here. I'm not looking for an out, never will. God it's hard. No one ever said it'd be easy, but damn, I'm real tired of hard. I can not possibly give anymore, I just can't. I'm constantly spent. She says she is too. So, what's left?
God help me find a way, help me find your way, your perfect will. I can't do this alone, I need You, in every way. I'm overwhelmed, and I don't know where to turn, or what to do. I'm tired of being lonely, surrounded by people, You're the only one I turn to....I've just got nothing left.
You know how hard it is to find a Christian marriage support forum online? A lot harder than I thought...so, I'm hoping this is it, if not, please let me know.
Begin release.
This craziness has been going on. I try to live, and love as Jesus, I'm sure I'm at fault every step of the way. I give all I can, every bit of me to everyone around me to the point that I shut down. It's never enough, it's always more....something else is needed, wanted, not enough. The depression is in full force at the moment, feeling like it's not worth all the effort. Thinking it'd be much easier on my own, and not dealing with all the BS....ungrateful BS. Is this what my life has come to? Is this how I'm to spend the rest of my days. Loving and giving all I can to be told and shown that's it's just not enough. Is that it? As I write this my depression turns to anger, and compel's me to act on anger. Leave it all behind. F@*% it, what's the point? Why is it that every woman I'm in a relationship with lures me in with kindness, acceptance and intimacy, but turns out to be as selfish as the last, but only over time...a long time. It's like the long con. I can't possibly believe the WHOLE world lives like this. Some people have to be happy. And she'd have me believe over the course of this relationship that if did this right, or that more that we'd be more intimate. While it was A HUGE issue at one point, I've all but let it go. Bringing it up every once in awhile...what does it matter right? Apparently I'm some sex addict, and diagnosed by her as having a million other issues. It's always issues that I have, that I need to resolve, to the point where I think I'm a terrible person...constantly. In bible study tonight, we talked of faith with out works, and I'm sitting here looking at my life...I'm working. I'm putting my faith into acts. Why does even typing it bring feelings as though I shouldn't speak it out loud? I don't even want to be around here, because of the pain that's present...but I love her, and want to make everything better for her. I give....so much that I have nothing left for myself. Time, thoughts, finances, prayer, grace, forgiveness, etc. All I keep thinking is "as Jesus loves the church". And it does humble me, and I let things go. I expect NOTHING from her, not anymore. Is that the right way to do things? God knows I try. I talk to Him everyday, and pray for His will above all things....and well, here I am. What am I doing wrong? Praise Him in all things. In this very moment where I feel completely lost as I do normally. Nothing good is of my doing alone, it is Him through me. I could be in the word more, and I should be....but I'm not. I'm working on it. I pray, and I pray, and I pray. I feel like I'm stuck, in a loveless relationship, to a woman that doesn't know any better. She's "so busy, and so tired, and does so much, because I don't do enough". I can't live with all this negative downtrodden everything. I am doing my very best. Sure, I could do more, I'm sure I'm at fault in all things in some way, but damn, isn't my happiness a concern to her at all? I don't necc need to be happy, I've spent my time in war torn countries half way around the world, sucked it up after sending a Marine home with a flag, and continued on. It, happiness, is not something that I NEED, but am I wrong for wanting my wife to want my happiness? It really bothers me. She's pushy, and ignorant to the basic necc of a relationship, but of course it's all my fault. The kids, my fault, the money, or lack there of, my fault, her not wanting anything to do with me or anything I'm interested in, my fault the list is endless...and it's not that I just feel this way for no reason, it's that she consistently tells me so, or at the very least makes it very clear. I'm not an overly sensitive person....I'm honestly not at all with the world at large, I've only just learned the last couple of years to be ok being vulnerable with her....not that I wasn't vulnerable with her, I was, I just wasn't ok with it way back. We've know each other over 20 years, been together for 7 years. The early years were rough, she was in a bad place and moved in early. We have a blended family of 5 kids, none of them are our together. She has 3 to 3 different guys. I have two to a prior marriage. We've dealt with breaking up and getting back together, infidelity, she's stole from me, and she dealt with in the darkest years of my life post war. There is no amount of explaining or words I could before you that could explain the depth's of the darkness that I dealt with while I was dealing with PTSD with all the other garbage that comes with it. For that, and for that alone she deserves everything I can give her. I mean, she stayed, she tried, she did so much more than anyone else ever. So, I married her, because she did, as she said, deserve it. Still does, and that's why I'm here. I'm not looking for an out, never will. God it's hard. No one ever said it'd be easy, but damn, I'm real tired of hard. I can not possibly give anymore, I just can't. I'm constantly spent. She says she is too. So, what's left?
God help me find a way, help me find your way, your perfect will. I can't do this alone, I need You, in every way. I'm overwhelmed, and I don't know where to turn, or what to do. I'm tired of being lonely, surrounded by people, You're the only one I turn to....I've just got nothing left.
