Is this women being deceitful women with me ?

[QuestionQuest74]

She does sound insecure - constantly wanting to be told she is beautiful, or feeling you don't tell her often enough.
Please don't assume she is being deceitful/ungodly/manipulative, however. She may have issues with rejection, have had a bad experience with a man, be trying to live up to someone else's ideals or something else. She may have a deep hurt that she cannot admit to anyone, or even have a deeply hidden memory that she can't recall but which is affecting her behaviour.

If you like her, you have been in a relationship for a while, you trust her and she feels secure with you, it should be possible to explore these things together. Yes, possibly counselling would benefit her at some stage - but it would be better if that suggestion came from her. If someone admits they have a problem, that's half the battle.

Everyone has issues though and how could we work on issues if she is not admitting she has trust issues ? Like without transparency how can we move forward and without working on them that’s gonna bring unnecessary drama. Also as Christians isn’t that’s where honesty come in & accountability? I understand if i was a worldly guy looking for sex but as a Christian man im celibate so that’s y im confused?
What your saying makes sense though sounds like she has some deep insecurity issues but it still seems like she was not putting God and our relationship with God into consideration.

 

[Strong in Him]

Everyone has issues though and how could we work on issues if she is not admitting she has trust issues ?

She might not be aware she has trust issues, and even if she could admit it, she might not feel comfortable discussing them with you.

Like without transparency how can we move forward and without working on them that’s gonna bring unnecessary drama.

You can move forward and develop a relationship without having to disclose everything to each other.
Get to know one another before you start digging into the past, and certainly don't give her the impression that you want to be her counsellor.

Also as Christians isn’t that’s where honesty come in & accountability?

Yes but it depends where you are in your relationship, how far it has gone, whether you feel you can trust each other and it is going deeper.
If she likes you, feels safe in your company, feels she can trust you, she may be encouraged, in time, to talk about deeper things. If you do, and you felt that counselling was necessary, you could say that you will go with her. Not to say anything but to hold her hand and be supportive - IF that's what she wants and it is appropriate.
You're supposed to support each other, figure things out together and pray together - not say to her "we'll get a preacher involved in our relationship".

I understand if i was a worldly guy looking for sex but as a Christian man im celibate so that’s y im confused?

It doesn't matter, from that point of view, whether you're Christian or not.
Getting to know someone takes time; building a relationship takes time. Some people "click" straight away, others don't know how they feel about another person or whether they want a relationship - either at that time, or at all. Some people have different agendas. Some can be friends, even close friends, with someone of the opposite sex without any expectations at all. Others may think, "we've had 4 dates now; is he marriage material?"
And I don't think it's true to say that all non Christian men are only looking for sex - like 1 night stands.
Bottom line; spending the rest of your life with someone is a big deal. You would want to know, before asking the question, or committing yourself, that you could spend 30, 40 + years with that person only; no one else.

What your saying makes sense though sounds like she has some deep insecurity issues but it still seems like she was not putting God and our relationship with God into consideration.

Maybe she's not able to? Maybe she doesn't yet have that relationship with God where he is Lord of her life? Maybe she doesn't realise that asking for compliments, then denying that you've given her any is a sign of insecurity? Maybe she feels frustrated that she has to ask you for compliments?
I don't know.
But if you are going to move forward in a relationship, you'll need, at some point, to talk about it together.

 

[Bobber]

Yeah I told her i did my part but she hasn’t done not even half of hers and she keeps saying i really don’t know if your interested in me and we don’t share same love languages.

This is the same love languages she talked about earlier i did and she keeps saying nothing changed at all.

There is no such things as "love languages" We have exhortations to walk in love according to the scriptures . read the love chapter 1 Cor 13 that's your standard. Sorry but your girlfriends is caught up in soap opera type of weird ideas something you see in a harlequin romance novel. So you're supposed to always struggle to sustain an indefinable goal?

 

[QuestionQuest74]

There is no such things as "love languages" We have exhortations to walk in love according to the scriptures . read the love chapter 1 Cor 13 that's your standard. Sorry but your girlfriends is caught up in soap opera type of weird ideas something you see in a harlequin romance novel. So you're supposed to always struggle to sustain an indefinable goal?

I don’t know and every time i give her the love language she talks about she acts funny

 

[QuestionQuest74]

She might not be aware she has trust issues, and even if she could admit it, she might not feel comfortable discussing them with you.

You can move forward and develop a relationship without having to disclose everything to each other.
Get to know one another before you start digging into the past, and certainly don't give her the impression that you want to be her counsellor.


Yes but it depends where you are in your relationship, how far it has gone, whether you feel you can trust each other and it is going deeper.
If she likes you, feels safe in your company, feels she can trust you, she may be encouraged, in time, to talk about deeper things. If you do, and you felt that counselling was necessary, you could say that you will go with her. Not to say anything but to hold her hand and be supportive - IF that's what she wants and it is appropriate.
You're supposed to support each other, figure things out together and pray together - not say to her "we'll get a preacher involved in our relationship".


It doesn't matter, from that point of view, whether you're Christian or not.
Getting to know someone takes time; building a relationship takes time. Some people "click" straight away, others don't know how they feel about another person or whether they want a relationship - either at that time, or at all. Some people have different agendas. Some can be friends, even close friends, with someone of the opposite sex without any expectations at all. Others may think, "we've had 4 dates now; is he marriage material?"
And I don't think it's true to say that all non Christian men are only looking for sex - like 1 night stands.
Bottom line; spending the rest of your life with someone is a big deal. You would want to know, before asking the question, or committing yourself, that you could spend 30, 40 + years with that person only; no one else.


Maybe she's not able to? Maybe she doesn't yet have that relationship with God where he is Lord of her life? Maybe she doesn't realise that asking for compliments, then denying that you've given her any is a sign of insecurity? Maybe she feels frustrated that she has to ask you for compliments?
I don't know.
But if you are going to move forward in a relationship, you'll need, at some point, to talk about it together.

She said she did have a relationship with God where he is the Lord of her life.

 

[Strong in Him]

She said she did have a relationship with God where he is the Lord of her life.

Ok, sorry; I missed that bit.

How do you feel about that, and her behaviour?

 

[QuestionQuest74]

Ok, sorry; I missed that bit.

How do you feel about that, and her behaviour?

Not Godly at that moment.
Little consideration this is a Christian relationship

Little consideration of the things I did for her.

Little consideration of a relationship is not all about her

Little consideration of her actions can come off as deceitful when she says she is confused but is not working out and communicating is bad.

Little consideration of how she is appearing as a Godly women when she says she gonna pray about it and really has no Godly response afterwards.

I know Christian are not perfect but to be demonstrating this type of behavior is not a good look

 

[Strong in Him]

Not Godly at that moment.
Little consideration this is a Christian relationship

Little consideration of the things I did for her.

Little consideration of a relationship is not all about her

Little consideration of her actions can come off as deceitful when she says she is confused but is not working out and communicating is bad.

Little consideration of how she is appearing as a Godly women when she says she gonna pray about it and really has no Godly response afterwards.

I know Christian are not perfect but to be demonstrating this type of behavior is not a good look

So what, if anything, are the good things about this relationship?

 

[QuestionQuest74]

So what, if anything, are the good things about this relationship?

We giving each other great ideas of things to incorporate in our church groups.

We both love exchanging stories with each other

We both like talking about politics.

When are together we do have a good time

The road block is her judgment im disappointed in

 

[Bobber]

We giving each other great ideas of things to incorporate in our church groups.

We both love exchanging stories with each other

We both like talking about politics.

When are together we do have a good time

The road block is her judgment im disappointed in

So what about you friend? Are you praying and asking God is this woman truly for you? You see all can go around the wagons here talking about this or that but God can and is willing to give you insight into whether she's a good fit for you.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

So what about you friend? Are you praying and asking God is this woman truly for you? You see all can go around the wagons here talking about this or that but God can and is willing to give you insight into whether she's a good fit for you.

Yes I did pray about it multiple times .

 

[Paidiske]

Little consideration this is a Christian relationship

What would that consideration look like, from your point of view?

Little consideration of how she is appearing as a Godly women when she says she gonna pray about it and really has no Godly response afterwards.

Sometimes I pray about something and feel I get a very clear response from God. And sometimes I pray and don't feel I get any clear response at all. I'm not sure it's fair to blame someone if their experience is the latter.

 

[Strong in Him]

We giving each other great ideas of things to incorporate in our church groups.

We both love exchanging stories with each other

We both like talking about politics.

When are together we do have a good time

The road block is her judgment im disappointed in

I wrote a reply to this last night; I don't know where it's gone??

Anyway; it's good that you have things in common and can find positives.
The question is; do the positives outweigh the negative? If nothing changed, could you live with the disappointment of her attitude?

 

[Bobber]

Yes I did pray about it multiple times .

So what did he say back to you?

 

[QuestionQuest74]

So what did he say back to you?

Nothing, I just felt & thought it’s time to let it go if she’s not willing to take accountability for most things and place all the blame on me and is not willing to work with me also I thought to myself she’s not all that Godly like I thought she was if she’s overemphasizing romance instead of a Godly responsibility. Addition to that emotional insecurity if she doesn’t know what she wants.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

What would that consideration look like, from your point of view?

Sometimes I pray about something and feel I get a very clear response from God. And sometimes I pray and don't feel I get any clear response at all. I'm not sure it's fair to blame someone if their experience is the latter.

The consideration would be like he is guarding his heart and not rushing into things. Also with the physical intimacy take into consideration his avoiding sexual immorality for me and him.

what do you mean if their experience is the latter ?

 

[QuestionQuest74]

I wrote a reply to this last night; I don't know where it's gone??

Anyway; it's good that you have things in common and can find positives.
The question is; do the positives outweigh the negative? If nothing changed, could you live with the disappointment of her attitude?

I have no choice but to move on from her ungrateful self-centered attitude and just be disappointed.

 

[Bobber]

Nothing, I just felt & thought it’s time to let it go if she’s not willing to take accountability for most things and place all the blame on me and is not willing to work with me also I thought to myself she’s not all that Godly like I thought she was if she’s overemphasizing romance instead of a Godly responsibility. Addition to that emotional insecurity if she doesn’t know what she wants.

By the way how old is she. I wouldn't say she isn't godly if she hasn't shown an inclination towards immoral behavior. Her behavior might be more of an immature way of thinking about what romance should be. Another solution can be to see if there's one lady Christian in your church, who is older and more spiritually mature and they could mentor her showing her a more sound way of thinking about romance. It's like the scripture which says older woman can teach the younger....how to be a good wife as well as other things.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

By the way how old is she. I wouldn't say she isn't godly if she hasn't shown an inclination towards immoral behavior. Her behavior might be more of an immature way of thinking about what romance should be. Another solution can be to see if there's one lady Christian in your church, who is older and more spiritually mature and they could mentor her showing her a more sound way of thinking about romance. It's like the scripture which says older woman can teach the younger....how to be a good wife as well as other things.

26 going on 27. We don’t go to the same church. And she doesn’t have too many women mentors. I even asked her mentor pastor to be involved and she was hesitant about that

 

[Paidiske]

The consideration would be like he is guarding his heart and not rushing into things. Also with the physical intimacy take into consideration his avoiding sexual immorality for me and him.

what do you mean if their experience is the latter ?

I mean if she prayed and didn't feel she had a clear answer from God, that's not something to hold against her. After all, you say your experience was the same!

(FWIW, I wouldn't want my pastor/minister/priest particularly involved in my relationships, either).