In-laws and children

[ChildByGrace]

My in-laws are driving me crazy at the moment (who's don't!)

Dh and I have a boy who's 3 and a girls who's 1. DS I think is a fairly typical 3yo boy who is testing boundaries at the moment.

A few weeks ago my in-laws put it into ds's head that he needed a pair of sneakers as his boots 'weren't comfortable for playing in'. He's had his boots for a couple of months and he's had no problems with them until they put this suggestion to him. Now I don't see the need for him to have another pair of shoes so I told him that. For a couple of weeks MIL kept mentioning the sneaker thing to me until I eventually said that yes he could have some as long as they bought a specific pair (they had offered to pay for them). However when they did buy them they bought something completely different.

My MIL has also started ignoring when we say he can't have things. For example the other day he was refusing to eat his lunch but wanted some crisps. Dh and I told him that once he gad eaten a certain amount of his lunch he could gave a couple of crisps. But then after one mouthful MIL just gave him a handful of crisps! Then after his lunch she gave him a chocolate bar which I told him he could only have half of. When he kicked up a fuss MIL said 'oh can't you just give him the rest of it. He can have something different next time you come down'. I managed to stick to my guns and said no he couldn't have it.
She also seems to think that he can't be told off for being naughty because 'he can't remember that he's not supposed to do that (kick, shout etc)

I feel like every time I try to discipline my child my MIL just contradicts me. My DH told them that when we say no that they need to stand by our decision but she's still doing it.

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to cause problems with my In-laws but also I feel that they are hindering me bringing up my child. Generally speaking he is well behaved at my parents and my sisters but he will play up at my in-laws because he knows he can get away with it.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

My future MIL used to be like that. She would tell Charlie and I that we were too hard on Emily or when we wouldn't let her have any candy she'd offer it anyways..which hurt my feelings for Emily a little bit because here's someone handing you candy when they know not to and then mommy comes along and take it away...it's like she was being teased with it. I finally just told her one day that if she wanted to rule over a child then she could have her own because Emily was mine and I know what's best for her and when I say 'NO' to something that I mean it and I find it disrepectful when she tries to dismiss my authority. And she's been fine ever since

Just stand up to them, have a friendly but firm conversation with them about it.

 

[Lena75]

I too, have had to be the "bad guy" when it comes to setting MIL/FIL in place. Just don't LET her get in your way otherwise major problems will come up later. "We did it before, why can't we do it now?" they say... Stick to your guns, mama! It's sooo worth it!

 

[Brandlynn]

My in-laws are driving me crazy at the moment (who's don't!)

Dh and I have a boy who's 3 and a girls who's 1. DS I think is a fairly typical 3yo boy who is testing boundaries at the moment.

A few weeks ago my in-laws put it into ds's head that he needed a pair of sneakers as his boots 'weren't comfortable for playing in'. He's had his boots for a couple of months and he's had no problems with them until they put this suggestion to him. Now I don't see the need for him to have another pair of shoes so I told him that. For a couple of weeks MIL kept mentioning the sneaker thing to me until I eventually said that yes he could have some as long as they bought a specific pair (they had offered to pay for them). However when they did buy them they bought something completely different.

My MIL has also started ignoring when we say he can't have things. For example the other day he was refusing to eat his lunch but wanted some crisps. Dh and I told him that once he gad eaten a certain amount of his lunch he could gave a couple of crisps. But then after one mouthful MIL just gave him a handful of crisps! Then after his lunch she gave him a chocolate bar which I told him he could only have half of. When he kicked up a fuss MIL said 'oh can't you just give him the rest of it. He can have something different next time you come down'. I managed to stick to my guns and said no he couldn't have it.
She also seems to think that he can't be told off for being naughty because 'he can't remember that he's not supposed to do that (kick, shout etc)

I feel like every time I try to discipline my child my MIL just contradicts me. My DH told them that when we say no that they need to stand by our decision but she's still doing it.

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to cause problems with my In-laws but also I feel that they are hindering me bringing up my child. Generally speaking he is well behaved at my parents and my sisters but he will play up at my in-laws because he knows he can get away with it.

Both my husband and I have great inlaws, for the most part which is the way it should be. they all stand behind our decisions and reinforce the discipline that needs to be done. The ones who don't, don't get to see him, either. But of course, unless he is sick, hungry or sleepy, he is his sweet little angelic self when it comes to going to others houses or out in public, when he does get to go out.

Besides, what is the harm in your son having a stinkin pair of sneakers? I mean, it's not like you are the one that is paying for them. Geesh. Just be glad that you have inlaws who care enough to buy him a pair of shoes. Most kids don't even have that.

You have to choose your battles. The thing with what they are feeding him is a big deal. I will agree with you on that. Especially if your son has any kind of health problems. Mine can't have caffein or a lot of chocolate because it speeds his heart rate up too much. We also have to watch his blood sugar due to family history.

Maybe use that excuse if you have any kind of hypertension, diabetes, heart problems or something like that. Just say something like "We think that it is a good idea to only limit him to one or two candy bars a week because diabetes runs in my side of the family. He has allready had his sweets for the week. If you want to give him anything, just give him a piece of fruit." or just find something that runs in the family history. IDK. My ex sister inlaw had to do that to my ex MIL. She just told her that since there was a certain thing that ran in the family, that she is extra cautious with her kids.

My step mother in law got on this kick ONE time that since he was 10 months old that he should have enfamil which causes projectile vomitting with him. The doctor had actually prescribed him pediasure, since it was richer and would stay down better. But we let him go with her one time. She insisted on giving him the formula, saying that "Infants should not have things like that because it is too hard on their kidneys." Like his pediatrician did not know what he was doing. Of course he got sick. It really made me upset to know that she did such a thing. Obviously, I wanted to ring her red headed neck and tell her a few things. I didn't get to because my hubby did for me. He has yet to be back to their house.

Another example, my hubby's grandpa and grandma smoke like freight trains. They would always put the guilt trip on us of "You know, were not getting any younger." They would never come to our house because of they were not allowed to smoke. With my son having severe heart troubles, we would not let him be in the smoke. We finally got tired of it and my husband sat down and wrote a letter to them. It was not rude or hateful. It just simply stated that until they agreed not to smoke around Shad, not that we can tell them what to do in their own house, then we were not coming over.

All that to say, avoid going there as much as possible. I know it's hard. Do I ever. Just tell your hubby that you and the kids are staying home for the day and if he wants to go over to their house, then he can. They will soon get the hint that they are not getting to see their grandkids and will start to inquire as to why. They ask, that opens the door for you to tell. They can't say that YOU started trouble because THEY asked. You see, when they come to your house, it is your rules.

OR

Use the thing about health issues int he family. More than likely, if they know that you are concerned about diabetes or something, they are not going to want to do anything that could potentially harm their grand son or daughter. If they insist, like my SMIL did on the formula, then you may have to write a letter, you and your hubby sign it so they know that it is not a personal grudge, and tell them that they you are not going to bring the kids back over until they start respecting the fact that YOU are the parent and that YOU have to do what is best for your children just as they did for theirs. It is not that they can't have anything at all, just provide alternative suggestions.

That is what has worked for us, but it may take something different for your in laws. Good luck on it whatever happens. Inlaws can be a real pain if they don't respect you as the parents, but if they work with you instead of against you, they can also be a real blessing.

 

[ChildByGrace]

Thanks Brandlynn.

The issue with the sneakers was more the fact that they undermined our authority on it. Then when we did agree to it they bought a different pair to the ones we'd decided on. I am grateful that they were prepared to buy them for us-a pair of winter shoes and a pair of sandles is all we can afford to get each year (unless he grows out of them obviously)-although even if we could afford it I doubt we'd buy more than 1 pair at a time!

IRO the food thing-I wish we could bring diabetes or something into but we can't. It's that fact that too mch sugar and E numbers make him hyperactive. Because a regular Dr didn't diagnose him I don't think they appreciate it's a real problem!

 

[lucypevensie]

In-law relationships can be sticky, and the respect has to work both ways in order for the relationship to be pleasant. There are some things that are annoying but not worth getting all up in arms about.

I personally have learned to relax about this issue. It's OK for grandparents to dote on the grandkids as long as it's not completely unreasonable. Thankfully, Grandma is respectful and does not get offended if I step in and take charge of the bag of candy or whatever controversial thing is the object of potential strife. It helps to do this with a smile of your face and a kind attitude "Oh wow, Grandma gave you some yummy candy. Let's put it in my purse so we can have some after dinner!" Not "What the heck! Why are you giving my kid candy right before dinner!?"

As far as the sneakers go, let it go. Another thing I have leaned to relax about. Grandma wants to buy my kids something she is free to do so. You are free as well to buy him the shoes you think he should have. OK, he might have an extra pair of sneakers in his closet. Oh well

 

[Brandlynn]

Thanks Brandlynn.

The issue with the sneakers was more the fact that they undermined our authority on it. Then when we did agree to it they bought a different pair to the ones we'd decided on. I am grateful that they were prepared to buy them for us-a pair of winter shoes and a pair of sandles is all we can afford to get each year (unless he grows out of them obviously)-although even if we could afford it I doubt we'd buy more than 1 pair at a time!

IRO the food thing-I wish we could bring diabetes or something into but we can't. It's that fact that too mch sugar and E numbers make him hyperactive. Because a regular Dr didn't diagnose him I don't think they appreciate it's a real problem!

Oh, I get it now.

The next time that you take him for a check up, see if you can back him into a corner and get him or her to give you a diagnosis on they hyper part.

I know about them growing out of shoes in a hurry. My mom and dad went and bought him a brand new pair of Justin boots. Less than two months later, he had outgrown those $80 SOMTHING dollar pair of cowboy boots. After I told them, they told me that he is their only grandson and if they have to buy another set of boots every other month, they will if that is what Shad wants.

Sorry about misunderstanding the question at hand. It is not the shoes themselves, but the principle of it.

 

[ChildByGrace]

Lol-oh yeah their feet grow so quickly at times. We've been really fortunate because his feet didn't grow enough for him to have a new pair of shoes for nearly a year. He still had his summer sandles but the shoes that he had last winter still fitted him at the start of this winter!

 

[Brandlynn]

You know, his are not the only ones that grow. Before I had him, I could wear an 8.5 to a 9 in womens. Now, 10's are too tight. So i comfortably fit into a 10.5. My mom said her feet grew too. And I knew that it was possible for them to grow, but not that much