I really don’t want to do this. My fingers don’t want to work, but in the case that someone might want to know...
I was born, baptised and raised Orthodox. I wasn’t a very obedient child, had an unstable life thereafter. I prayed, I didn’t, I prayed more.. I found and acknowledged God on isolated occasions. I told people that He is true and I witnessed to Him, regardless. My parents and family are very good people and I apologize from the deepest of my heart for all and any grief I brought upon them. I can say nothing for their relationship with Him because its none of my business and I don’t know their deepest convictions – that goes for anyone. Some people find their relationship with Him, some don’t.
I went to church often. The Holy Spirit never came to me when I needed it most. I received no wisdom, no guidance, no protection, no relief. As quoted in the movie '127 Hours', "...everything I have ever done has brought me to this rock." My favorite song in the entire world, ever, is the Orthodox Cherubic Hymn. It is, by far – every hair on my body at this moment stands tall even thinking about it, as if reaching for the '(S?)ource – the most peaceful, beautiful collection of musical notes organized together that I have ever heard, yet I am alone. Ive heard and listened and partially understood many sermons. I don’t think anyone can claim that they fully understand the magnitude of any teaching – absolute knowledge is not of man.
Im becoming very convinced that God does not care. He works the mechanics of the universe, but the collection of cells within living things cycle through lives – they live, they die, they become other things, the dead provide food for the living. Good thrives, evil thrives, good does not thrive, evil does not thrive in life . All combinations are possible. The afterlife is questionable. Children are able to recall past lives. I have failed to see how morality and ethics from a human standpoint is a blessing on a personal basis. Ive lived my life by trying to be kind, open doors, forgive, forget, say please and thank-you, feel and know that I am thankful. The good things that people do are not intrinsic blessing. They stand alone in the moment.
I am beyond frustrated. I have cursed God recently - it may seal my fate. I have asked forgiveness. Fate may be sealed regardless. I have lost my life and will lose all my belongings while praying and praying and praying more, not for wealth, but for the simplest and humblest of things – to support my family for the glory of God – for simple guidance to find work. Combinations of circumstances have all provided barriers to find work.
As Orthodox we are encouraged to pray and keep The Commandments and to build a relationship with Jesus. I prayed for these things. There is a severe lacking that I have never been blessed with knowing what this means. I have called to meet with priests twice and my calls are not returned for days – a week. I have lost 20 lbs in 6 months. I am weak and black out daily. I am not strong any more. My will is dead. I call when I have an urge and need to speak, but when it takes nearly a week for priest to respond, I figure, 'what is the point?'
Make no mistake, there are very good people in church. Many people – clergy, not clergy, living and dead have claimed that they know God. I have not been blessed with that. I have spoken to a few people about these things – one in particular is 'close' to me, an absolute believer in the Orthodoxy and of God - and largely they say 'I'm not sure what the Holy Spirit has to do with that...' And my response is, if the Holy Spirit has little to do with it and I ask for strength and I just get weaker... where does that leave us? God can do all things and yet the Holy Spirit cannot help us with practical, humble things that we beg and pray for? What use is faith? It is very similar to 'the Job question' - though I will never claim to be as Godly as he was. I have known people who have declared that they were Gods witnesses but they were absolutely incapable of even apologizing when they were told that they had hurt others, or saying thank-you when people did good for them. They were unbelievably stubborn in this manner, yet still declared themselves Christian. I thought apology and gratitude were moral bases of love, or what God stood for. I shall decline to call it audacious as I don’t understand fully, and calling it so would only make me opinionated.
Some people may find that they will have to come to terms with their idea that death is bad and that wishing for it is selfish. I am beginning to understand what drives people to this point. It is a relief. There is no virtue in endurance of a relentless loss. I will not remember this long: The trouble from the mother of my daughter and the court hell and child support issues, going above and beyond for promotions at work before I was unemployed without favorable result, unable to find work, finally finding two jobs and not being paid for either – waiting 35 weeks for the labor board to resolve one of them – but the time envelope is closing and the minimal settlement funds wont help much anyway, unable to find work, unable to help my new wife who was accepted for migration so that we could be together. I will lose my storage – it will be auctioned in a month. I will lose my phone today. My wife does excellent work, yet endures indescribable bad practice and policy from the management at her work – and I cannot rescue her. I cant create a life to be proud of. I cant afford to take my daughter for icecream.
Day two... I could have written more yesterday, but I was tired...
And a sad revelation is becoming apparent...
This note began in response to an ultimate episode.
I used to be a happy person – positive for the present and optimistic for the future, always willing to forgive and forget the past. I still believe these are positive traits and I try to live them, but occasionally aggression sets in more than Id like it to. Still, I seem to be a comfortable magnet for those who desire someone to hear them.
Im not sure what the clinical diagnosis is – elements of histrionic, narcisstic, inferiority, etc. - butIm convinced that certain deconstructive behaviors which people exert towards others, the more you let them persist towards yourself – unless you run or are strong enough to somehow block their negative emotional effects, the more they will break you down. I admire the ability of doctors to create the barrier which allows them to live around these sicknesses as routine, and yet they flourish and heal others.
Its sad... you love someone..
You begin a lovely dinner in a paradise you may only visit once in your life, and they are determined to talk about your ex-spouse, and when you ask them to stop, they persist, and persist again, and again.. until you are forced to walk out. Then of course, you become the bad guy because 'everyone was left looking at her and she felt uncomfortable. There is a time and a place for everything. If someone asks you to stop, repeatedly, please indulge them. Likewise, when you are riding with someone and they wish to talk again about a severely bad memory that you’ve already covered on an earlier occasion, and you ask them to stop, and they persist to the point where you have to leave the vehicle right in the middle of the 4-lane in the most violent neighborhood in the city at midnight on a Friday night, where – these words witnessed before God – a person can find someone to kill another with only a name and an address for $15, and you are forced to walk back home.
And still you love someone.
A person can say that they love God, and you can see that they strive to be Godly, but if they miss and continuously doubt in life... Throughout the Bible it says to trust in the Lord – Isaiah and Proverbs come to mind - but if a person continuously leans on you with doubt to the point that it creates what they declare as a temporary "crisis", it will break you down. Nothing you can do or show will help them change their attitude. Even when prayers are answered and some of the larger things desired in life are manifested, and still doubt persists, what is the barrier between what we declare we believe in – God and His teachings – and yet we doubt to the point of epidemic, and consume others in the process, until they are buried?
We are full circle now. Where is the Holy Spirit?
Evil is stronger than good, and its first target will be the union between spouses, since spouses – male and female, positive and negative, dividing and invasive, black and white, north and south, the polarities - are THE creative union in the universe. There is no scientific study that will ever accurately and positively prove how homosexual relations are beneficial to a species – religion or spirituality removed from the argument. Homosexuality is an anomaly that conservative nature tolerates until it is naturally consumed. Its so sad, that you meet a person so intelligent, so talented professionally, so shockingly beautiful in a way you’ve never imagined before you met each other, so kind in some respects, so wantinglycommitted to God, and yet... they do not trust in the Lord. The doubt consumes that person to the point of crisis, repeatedly, weekly, and repeatedly you point - "...trust in God. Believe. Be happy..." - but love and tolerance persists, and it breaks you.
Forgive me Lord for cursing you. If I stay with her, I will die. She is your daughter, but I cannot help her. Notwithstanding the good things that happen, the negative effects of our togetherness have destroyed me.
This is so tiring. You want and you search and you hope and you want to be a Godly person and you search some more and it breaks you and breaks you and there is some combination that is so fleeting and yet so obviously necessary for positive things to happen... but it never comes. No real, practical notion positively effects you. You hunger for an ethereal effect but you are not aware that seemingly innocent, earthly, almost trivial choices are required before 'God' effects you positively... but you don’t know what they are.. You don’t know what to do.
Positive things happen when you think positively. THE END. This is creation – the creative effect. This is God. It works whether you believe in spirituality or religion. This is why 'good' things happen to 'bad' people, and why 'bad' things happen to 'good' people. It’s the creative, 'God effect' that the majority of the earth denies. Evil exists only because good allows it to create inherently. Interesting paradox. The afterlife aside, this is how things happen. Look around. The evidence is indisputable.
Never underestimate the importance of manners, of gratitude, or forgiveness, of BEingsorry, and of manners.. And of manners. That was not a typo. Never underestimate how applying these things, and how NOT applying these things, escalates the effect in life. I would never imagine how absolutely stubborn some people are to even simply say "Im sorry" when they hurt others, when they misjudge certain situations. You talk on the phone and struggle to hear them when walking down the street. You wear earphones and turn the volume all the way up, close all other running applications on your phone, use your hand to cover your ear on the side the wind is blowing on, but you walk past a group of people that walk towards you talking among themselves, and the person you are talking to hangs up in disgust and frustration and they accuse you of talking to someone else and not listening. Yet you never said a word.. You put total effort into hearing only them and nothing else. You tell them the reality of the situation and they ignore you. You were quiet and not interrupting so that you could hear every word they said. Still, they maintain their sense of self-righteousness and they haveno remorse. She accuses you of something disagreeable that you didn’t do, you tell her exactly what happened, and there is no acknowledgement of 'mistake' or 'sorry' on her part whatsoever.
On another occasion she asks you to call a school to verify whether our daughter was accepted. You reply that you will immediately after this conversation is complete. She mentions "because if she cant get into this school then [if I finish this sentence then there is a greater chance that people in the orthodox community will know who I am, so it shall remain unfinished. Suffice it to say, a very VERY shockingly sad thing will happen.] She then asks "would you try 'this' hard if you were trying to get your 'other' daughter into this school?" You inform her, "since applying almost a month ago, late last week I actually went to the school.You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you – but I did everything that I thought I could. I waited 45 minutes for a bus to come but then decided to take a taxi to the school to ensure that I would speak to someone before they began leaving early for the weekend, either mentally or physically [with humour
]. I thought that actually speaking to someone in person would be more effective and memorable and consistent with my optimistic intentions than simply a 'lazy' phone call. They said that they would know later this week." There was no appreciation for my efforts. Zero. On top of all the other things that have burdened me prior to this call, and this one more thing that I tried to accomplish, this one more ultimatum demanded upon me, this one more thing that I had done that she was unaware, there was no thankfulness. There was no hope in the Lord, no hope in the school, no hope or faith in me. Just doubt and doubt and doubt. Argument. A challenge. "I was just asking." Wrong. If you 'just asked' and didn't know about my prior efforts, a usual response is at least "oops". In this case, an overwhelming sense of self-righteousness said nothing and expected everything. And now receives nothing.
And that was the tipping point.
Apologize. Forgive. Be thankful. Say please. In that order... humble yourself, and then reign in your pride (there is a difference) and then be exceedingly happy.Be wary of those who are unable to do these simple things regardless of anything else that seems wonderful. Living with another who lacks these 4 things, you essentially live a slave, until you are beaten into and through the earth.
Narcisstic vs histrionic vs inferiority complex? I don’t know. Perhaps it matters little.. Or a lot.. But not to me. I'm not a doctor and my time is passed. Our time is passed.. 'Physician, heal thyself'.
This is sad. I have nearly lost my entire life. My living life and anything that could record any progress, anything of value that I could pass on to my daughter. I owe on my storage locker and it will be auctioned off in a month. I cannot get into it to retrieve anything until I pay it.
2 days later...
Its been a calm and peaceful 3 days...
Yesterday...
Christ is Risen. Truly He has risen.
Though I now live in a place where substance and personal abuses are prevalent to many, and the dramas are intense – at the moment there is another one 3 feet away from me at this moment - to maybe half who live here, I have been blessed with peace, and an ability to chose not to engage in these behaviors or associate in their business. Still, I pray for their peace and blessing and deliverance. We all have our own battles. The Lord hedges me with protection...
I thought we had gone full circle. I was wrong. I thought we had reached the pinnacle.
I was wrong.
The viciousness will make you withdraw to protect loved ones. You wont know where the love comes from. You didn’t think you had any left. You know the penalty for cursing God. Dear Lord, I want to believe that the weakness of the moment made me curse from my lips, not my heart. I want to love You and Jesus with all my heart. Take the thief down from the cross and place me instead. Forgive my sins Lord and consume me with Your spirit. Guide me and lead me in every choice I make. Align every cell in my body according to thy will. She has prayed and loved You to the point that she asked whether it would be prudent for her to divorce me. The frustration will consume you, chew you, grind you to pieces, spit you out, stomp on you, scorch you, kick you to the wind, scream hysterically and then scream for more. Where does it end? Forgive my curse Lord. "The hypocrites hope shall perish" - Job 8:13. And yet.. I love God.. I want to love God.. Maybe I AM delusional to some extent that I am presently unaware.
What if she was thankful? What if she apologized? What if she trusted? What if … she did these things as habit? Why are such concepts so fleeting? Am I wrong in believing that these things, that 'please', 'thank-you', 'I'm sorry' and I forgive' are necessary tenets to the faiths of trust and belief? Without them, are they truly barriers to 'knowing' and manifestation? Dear Lord, how can she remove her recurring crisises (pl.)? How do we inflict such a hell on ourselves if we desire for God?
What truly is my responsibility in this?
What truly is my wifes responsibility in this?
She had not spoken to me since the event. I have known that she and her daughter are very close on an emotional level. The daughter feels what the mother feels when they are apart, consistently. It is much more causation than correlation. I understand the difference and I can recall many histories between them. My wife has had an intense sorrow at my curse. Forgive me O Lord. Please don’t let the child suffer for what I have done. Dear Lord, thank you for the health and happiness of my (my) daughter. My wifes daughter has had a fever of 40 degrees for 4 days now. Deliver them o Lord.
Dear God in heaven, in Jesus name... why did I get a call for a job interview within 30 minutes of my curse, within 15 minutes after I dropped to my knees and asked for forgiveness? I don’t understand. And my wifes daughter suffers so terribly. Dear Lord.. Please have mercy. Deliver us from this hell on earth. Remember me o Lord in Your Kingdom.
Why... do I feel.. So.. Calm? This does not even seem real anymore...................
Another day... today
My wifes daughter is better...
Cant we just die? Why does death has to be such an inconvenience for everyone else? Why cant people just accept the fact that ..Im tired.... I have no motivation. I don’t even want to type. Priests don’t return calls for 5 days. Theres nothing enjoyable in this life other than the 5-second moments of self-talk now and then. Ive lost too much to recover. Im getting too old. Please let me go. I hate this crazy place. I don’t want my wife here. There are no decent jobs. We have a crap govt. Scraping by on less than half what I made once, unable to face people saying "NO" anymore. People cant say please or thank you. I wasn’t made for this. Its taken me 5 days to fix my resume. I look at jobs and.. I don’t want to.. I don’t want to do anything... Im tired. Nobody takes this seriously. i wasted my life with a woman.. again... I worked for nothing. I cant make good decisions. God doesnt come to me. I dont want to doubt Gods existence. But i do. i know its wrong. but i do. im tired. let me go. but you wont. because you dont care.
I was born, baptised and raised Orthodox. I wasn’t a very obedient child, had an unstable life thereafter. I prayed, I didn’t, I prayed more.. I found and acknowledged God on isolated occasions. I told people that He is true and I witnessed to Him, regardless. My parents and family are very good people and I apologize from the deepest of my heart for all and any grief I brought upon them. I can say nothing for their relationship with Him because its none of my business and I don’t know their deepest convictions – that goes for anyone. Some people find their relationship with Him, some don’t.
I went to church often. The Holy Spirit never came to me when I needed it most. I received no wisdom, no guidance, no protection, no relief. As quoted in the movie '127 Hours', "...everything I have ever done has brought me to this rock." My favorite song in the entire world, ever, is the Orthodox Cherubic Hymn. It is, by far – every hair on my body at this moment stands tall even thinking about it, as if reaching for the '(S?)ource – the most peaceful, beautiful collection of musical notes organized together that I have ever heard, yet I am alone. Ive heard and listened and partially understood many sermons. I don’t think anyone can claim that they fully understand the magnitude of any teaching – absolute knowledge is not of man.
Im becoming very convinced that God does not care. He works the mechanics of the universe, but the collection of cells within living things cycle through lives – they live, they die, they become other things, the dead provide food for the living. Good thrives, evil thrives, good does not thrive, evil does not thrive in life . All combinations are possible. The afterlife is questionable. Children are able to recall past lives. I have failed to see how morality and ethics from a human standpoint is a blessing on a personal basis. Ive lived my life by trying to be kind, open doors, forgive, forget, say please and thank-you, feel and know that I am thankful. The good things that people do are not intrinsic blessing. They stand alone in the moment.
I am beyond frustrated. I have cursed God recently - it may seal my fate. I have asked forgiveness. Fate may be sealed regardless. I have lost my life and will lose all my belongings while praying and praying and praying more, not for wealth, but for the simplest and humblest of things – to support my family for the glory of God – for simple guidance to find work. Combinations of circumstances have all provided barriers to find work.
As Orthodox we are encouraged to pray and keep The Commandments and to build a relationship with Jesus. I prayed for these things. There is a severe lacking that I have never been blessed with knowing what this means. I have called to meet with priests twice and my calls are not returned for days – a week. I have lost 20 lbs in 6 months. I am weak and black out daily. I am not strong any more. My will is dead. I call when I have an urge and need to speak, but when it takes nearly a week for priest to respond, I figure, 'what is the point?'
Make no mistake, there are very good people in church. Many people – clergy, not clergy, living and dead have claimed that they know God. I have not been blessed with that. I have spoken to a few people about these things – one in particular is 'close' to me, an absolute believer in the Orthodoxy and of God - and largely they say 'I'm not sure what the Holy Spirit has to do with that...' And my response is, if the Holy Spirit has little to do with it and I ask for strength and I just get weaker... where does that leave us? God can do all things and yet the Holy Spirit cannot help us with practical, humble things that we beg and pray for? What use is faith? It is very similar to 'the Job question' - though I will never claim to be as Godly as he was. I have known people who have declared that they were Gods witnesses but they were absolutely incapable of even apologizing when they were told that they had hurt others, or saying thank-you when people did good for them. They were unbelievably stubborn in this manner, yet still declared themselves Christian. I thought apology and gratitude were moral bases of love, or what God stood for. I shall decline to call it audacious as I don’t understand fully, and calling it so would only make me opinionated.
Some people may find that they will have to come to terms with their idea that death is bad and that wishing for it is selfish. I am beginning to understand what drives people to this point. It is a relief. There is no virtue in endurance of a relentless loss. I will not remember this long: The trouble from the mother of my daughter and the court hell and child support issues, going above and beyond for promotions at work before I was unemployed without favorable result, unable to find work, finally finding two jobs and not being paid for either – waiting 35 weeks for the labor board to resolve one of them – but the time envelope is closing and the minimal settlement funds wont help much anyway, unable to find work, unable to help my new wife who was accepted for migration so that we could be together. I will lose my storage – it will be auctioned in a month. I will lose my phone today. My wife does excellent work, yet endures indescribable bad practice and policy from the management at her work – and I cannot rescue her. I cant create a life to be proud of. I cant afford to take my daughter for icecream.
Day two... I could have written more yesterday, but I was tired...
And a sad revelation is becoming apparent...
This note began in response to an ultimate episode.
I used to be a happy person – positive for the present and optimistic for the future, always willing to forgive and forget the past. I still believe these are positive traits and I try to live them, but occasionally aggression sets in more than Id like it to. Still, I seem to be a comfortable magnet for those who desire someone to hear them.
Im not sure what the clinical diagnosis is – elements of histrionic, narcisstic, inferiority, etc. - butIm convinced that certain deconstructive behaviors which people exert towards others, the more you let them persist towards yourself – unless you run or are strong enough to somehow block their negative emotional effects, the more they will break you down. I admire the ability of doctors to create the barrier which allows them to live around these sicknesses as routine, and yet they flourish and heal others.
Its sad... you love someone..
You begin a lovely dinner in a paradise you may only visit once in your life, and they are determined to talk about your ex-spouse, and when you ask them to stop, they persist, and persist again, and again.. until you are forced to walk out. Then of course, you become the bad guy because 'everyone was left looking at her and she felt uncomfortable. There is a time and a place for everything. If someone asks you to stop, repeatedly, please indulge them. Likewise, when you are riding with someone and they wish to talk again about a severely bad memory that you’ve already covered on an earlier occasion, and you ask them to stop, and they persist to the point where you have to leave the vehicle right in the middle of the 4-lane in the most violent neighborhood in the city at midnight on a Friday night, where – these words witnessed before God – a person can find someone to kill another with only a name and an address for $15, and you are forced to walk back home.
And still you love someone.
A person can say that they love God, and you can see that they strive to be Godly, but if they miss and continuously doubt in life... Throughout the Bible it says to trust in the Lord – Isaiah and Proverbs come to mind - but if a person continuously leans on you with doubt to the point that it creates what they declare as a temporary "crisis", it will break you down. Nothing you can do or show will help them change their attitude. Even when prayers are answered and some of the larger things desired in life are manifested, and still doubt persists, what is the barrier between what we declare we believe in – God and His teachings – and yet we doubt to the point of epidemic, and consume others in the process, until they are buried?
We are full circle now. Where is the Holy Spirit?
Evil is stronger than good, and its first target will be the union between spouses, since spouses – male and female, positive and negative, dividing and invasive, black and white, north and south, the polarities - are THE creative union in the universe. There is no scientific study that will ever accurately and positively prove how homosexual relations are beneficial to a species – religion or spirituality removed from the argument. Homosexuality is an anomaly that conservative nature tolerates until it is naturally consumed. Its so sad, that you meet a person so intelligent, so talented professionally, so shockingly beautiful in a way you’ve never imagined before you met each other, so kind in some respects, so wantinglycommitted to God, and yet... they do not trust in the Lord. The doubt consumes that person to the point of crisis, repeatedly, weekly, and repeatedly you point - "...trust in God. Believe. Be happy..." - but love and tolerance persists, and it breaks you.
Forgive me Lord for cursing you. If I stay with her, I will die. She is your daughter, but I cannot help her. Notwithstanding the good things that happen, the negative effects of our togetherness have destroyed me.
This is so tiring. You want and you search and you hope and you want to be a Godly person and you search some more and it breaks you and breaks you and there is some combination that is so fleeting and yet so obviously necessary for positive things to happen... but it never comes. No real, practical notion positively effects you. You hunger for an ethereal effect but you are not aware that seemingly innocent, earthly, almost trivial choices are required before 'God' effects you positively... but you don’t know what they are.. You don’t know what to do.
Positive things happen when you think positively. THE END. This is creation – the creative effect. This is God. It works whether you believe in spirituality or religion. This is why 'good' things happen to 'bad' people, and why 'bad' things happen to 'good' people. It’s the creative, 'God effect' that the majority of the earth denies. Evil exists only because good allows it to create inherently. Interesting paradox. The afterlife aside, this is how things happen. Look around. The evidence is indisputable.
Never underestimate the importance of manners, of gratitude, or forgiveness, of BEingsorry, and of manners.. And of manners. That was not a typo. Never underestimate how applying these things, and how NOT applying these things, escalates the effect in life. I would never imagine how absolutely stubborn some people are to even simply say "Im sorry" when they hurt others, when they misjudge certain situations. You talk on the phone and struggle to hear them when walking down the street. You wear earphones and turn the volume all the way up, close all other running applications on your phone, use your hand to cover your ear on the side the wind is blowing on, but you walk past a group of people that walk towards you talking among themselves, and the person you are talking to hangs up in disgust and frustration and they accuse you of talking to someone else and not listening. Yet you never said a word.. You put total effort into hearing only them and nothing else. You tell them the reality of the situation and they ignore you. You were quiet and not interrupting so that you could hear every word they said. Still, they maintain their sense of self-righteousness and they haveno remorse. She accuses you of something disagreeable that you didn’t do, you tell her exactly what happened, and there is no acknowledgement of 'mistake' or 'sorry' on her part whatsoever.
On another occasion she asks you to call a school to verify whether our daughter was accepted. You reply that you will immediately after this conversation is complete. She mentions "because if she cant get into this school then [if I finish this sentence then there is a greater chance that people in the orthodox community will know who I am, so it shall remain unfinished. Suffice it to say, a very VERY shockingly sad thing will happen.] She then asks "would you try 'this' hard if you were trying to get your 'other' daughter into this school?" You inform her, "since applying almost a month ago, late last week I actually went to the school.You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you – but I did everything that I thought I could. I waited 45 minutes for a bus to come but then decided to take a taxi to the school to ensure that I would speak to someone before they began leaving early for the weekend, either mentally or physically [with humour
]. I thought that actually speaking to someone in person would be more effective and memorable and consistent with my optimistic intentions than simply a 'lazy' phone call. They said that they would know later this week." There was no appreciation for my efforts. Zero. On top of all the other things that have burdened me prior to this call, and this one more thing that I tried to accomplish, this one more ultimatum demanded upon me, this one more thing that I had done that she was unaware, there was no thankfulness. There was no hope in the Lord, no hope in the school, no hope or faith in me. Just doubt and doubt and doubt. Argument. A challenge. "I was just asking." Wrong. If you 'just asked' and didn't know about my prior efforts, a usual response is at least "oops". In this case, an overwhelming sense of self-righteousness said nothing and expected everything. And now receives nothing.And that was the tipping point.
Apologize. Forgive. Be thankful. Say please. In that order... humble yourself, and then reign in your pride (there is a difference) and then be exceedingly happy.Be wary of those who are unable to do these simple things regardless of anything else that seems wonderful. Living with another who lacks these 4 things, you essentially live a slave, until you are beaten into and through the earth.
Narcisstic vs histrionic vs inferiority complex? I don’t know. Perhaps it matters little.. Or a lot.. But not to me. I'm not a doctor and my time is passed. Our time is passed.. 'Physician, heal thyself'.
This is sad. I have nearly lost my entire life. My living life and anything that could record any progress, anything of value that I could pass on to my daughter. I owe on my storage locker and it will be auctioned off in a month. I cannot get into it to retrieve anything until I pay it.
2 days later...
Its been a calm and peaceful 3 days...
Yesterday...
Christ is Risen. Truly He has risen.
Though I now live in a place where substance and personal abuses are prevalent to many, and the dramas are intense – at the moment there is another one 3 feet away from me at this moment - to maybe half who live here, I have been blessed with peace, and an ability to chose not to engage in these behaviors or associate in their business. Still, I pray for their peace and blessing and deliverance. We all have our own battles. The Lord hedges me with protection...
I thought we had gone full circle. I was wrong. I thought we had reached the pinnacle.
I was wrong.
The viciousness will make you withdraw to protect loved ones. You wont know where the love comes from. You didn’t think you had any left. You know the penalty for cursing God. Dear Lord, I want to believe that the weakness of the moment made me curse from my lips, not my heart. I want to love You and Jesus with all my heart. Take the thief down from the cross and place me instead. Forgive my sins Lord and consume me with Your spirit. Guide me and lead me in every choice I make. Align every cell in my body according to thy will. She has prayed and loved You to the point that she asked whether it would be prudent for her to divorce me. The frustration will consume you, chew you, grind you to pieces, spit you out, stomp on you, scorch you, kick you to the wind, scream hysterically and then scream for more. Where does it end? Forgive my curse Lord. "The hypocrites hope shall perish" - Job 8:13. And yet.. I love God.. I want to love God.. Maybe I AM delusional to some extent that I am presently unaware.
What if she was thankful? What if she apologized? What if she trusted? What if … she did these things as habit? Why are such concepts so fleeting? Am I wrong in believing that these things, that 'please', 'thank-you', 'I'm sorry' and I forgive' are necessary tenets to the faiths of trust and belief? Without them, are they truly barriers to 'knowing' and manifestation? Dear Lord, how can she remove her recurring crisises (pl.)? How do we inflict such a hell on ourselves if we desire for God?
What truly is my responsibility in this?
What truly is my wifes responsibility in this?
She had not spoken to me since the event. I have known that she and her daughter are very close on an emotional level. The daughter feels what the mother feels when they are apart, consistently. It is much more causation than correlation. I understand the difference and I can recall many histories between them. My wife has had an intense sorrow at my curse. Forgive me O Lord. Please don’t let the child suffer for what I have done. Dear Lord, thank you for the health and happiness of my (my) daughter. My wifes daughter has had a fever of 40 degrees for 4 days now. Deliver them o Lord.
Dear God in heaven, in Jesus name... why did I get a call for a job interview within 30 minutes of my curse, within 15 minutes after I dropped to my knees and asked for forgiveness? I don’t understand. And my wifes daughter suffers so terribly. Dear Lord.. Please have mercy. Deliver us from this hell on earth. Remember me o Lord in Your Kingdom.
Why... do I feel.. So.. Calm? This does not even seem real anymore...................
Another day... today
My wifes daughter is better...
Cant we just die? Why does death has to be such an inconvenience for everyone else? Why cant people just accept the fact that ..Im tired.... I have no motivation. I don’t even want to type. Priests don’t return calls for 5 days. Theres nothing enjoyable in this life other than the 5-second moments of self-talk now and then. Ive lost too much to recover. Im getting too old. Please let me go. I hate this crazy place. I don’t want my wife here. There are no decent jobs. We have a crap govt. Scraping by on less than half what I made once, unable to face people saying "NO" anymore. People cant say please or thank you. I wasn’t made for this. Its taken me 5 days to fix my resume. I look at jobs and.. I don’t want to.. I don’t want to do anything... Im tired. Nobody takes this seriously. i wasted my life with a woman.. again... I worked for nothing. I cant make good decisions. God doesnt come to me. I dont want to doubt Gods existence. But i do. i know its wrong. but i do. im tired. let me go. but you wont. because you dont care.
