Do you ever wonder if either something is wrong with you or God simply permanently left you off his christmas list in regards to ever finding a spouse?
Yes...er, kinda. Quality over quantity is always a good thing. I've met so many guys lately, but it never amounts to anything lasting or "real." I've been contemplating whether or not there is indeed "something wrong" with me or how I think (or what I want, for cryin' out loud). "Maybe guyA isn't really all that stupid...maybe he's just socially-ackward?" Things like that. I've talked it over with God and my friends and their argument has been, "Hey, so you actually have standards? So what? How many girls out there don't and just look at the situations they see themselves in." And, then I usually shut my mouth for the time being.
I sometimes look back on how I may have thwarted any chances I had for such a lasting relationship by making mistakes with certain guys. Maybe I shoved-off the wrong one, maybe I wasn't ready for guyB just yet. Whatever the case, going through so many duds is bound to make one think that something is wrong with them. I don't think so. I just have to trust that what God knows I desire and need in a man is something that is not as common as, say, the Blue Collar boys...and that God will allow my needs as a woman to be met by one man one of these millenia. It is so easy to get discouraged after a long line of losing streaks though.
I just think back to how I'd trust in God for many things, how I was going about my life in a way that I know pleased Him because I was doing nothing against Him, so in my mind and in my heart, it wasn't that I was not doing the "right things," it was maybe that God never wanted me to have this desire to commit myself to one man in the first place. Because surely, God would grant me the desires of my heart if those desires aligned with His plan for me. Then, I'd start thinking, "Well, why doesn't He just erase this need in my heart as surely He can do such a thing? Why do I keep learning more and more about myself, seeing myself as fully able to commit myself to one man as the years go by, when at one time, I questioned that ability? Why does God keep allowing those walls to tear down so that only one specific man may enter my heart?"
I then thought that maybe God was continuing to refine me and forcing me to become this "strong, amazing woman of God." That maybe this time of trial was supposed to teach me to be even
stronger; which scares me because how much stronger does God need me to be? Must I be an ox or a rhino or something? I have no idea what God has in store for me, which makes me feel so confused...I feel your frustration.
So whats the point in trying anymore? There is none. Atleast not for me. For others, that is most often a different story. I suppose I have to accept my fate.
I see it happen for countless others, as well. My salvation is that what I desire to share with a man exceeds what even "they" may have. *shrug*
I just don't know.
) LOL
