I feel like i'm going crazy

[Hosannainthehighest]

Is is wrong to rely on your husband to give you the emotional reassurance you might need? I think there is something wrong with me, but then that's a horrible thought, what if there is something wrong with me? What then? Are my needs that off balance?
I am hurting so much, and I don't know what to do to help myself. I have already done a few external things that are supposed to help. eg: medication, a therapist.....but to be honest I am worse! I am crying more and more vulnerable than ever.....My husband doesnt know how to support me, and I feel so alone. The distressing thing for me is that his communication helps me, and when he chooses not to give that, I get panicked and then I get upset by myself..... I wonder if it's not fair to put this pressure on him, I am confused and lonely.....2 days ago I was loved and happy....I hate this rollercoaster that is my life.
Most of the time I am the understanding one, the one that listens to others point of view and can hear what they are experiencing...I think I need to be validated by him somehow, but then it doesnt always happen....

 

[mkgal1]

Is is wrong to rely on your husband to give you the emotional reassurance you might need?

I am so sorry that you haven't gotten any replies to this post. I would guess that most people read this and just didn't know what to say to encourage you. I think that is just the point....anything we say may be taken as trite, superficial, and just not enough to touch your broken heart. I wish I had the words for you. Do know that I care and am praying for you (see, that probably sounds...empty. But I DO mean it.)

In answer to your question...yes, it could be wrong to rely on your husband to give you the emotional reassurance you might need. God should be where we are seeking our emotional reassurance. I don't mean that to sound preachy, and I really hope it doesn't hurt you for me to say that. I actually say it from experiencing it. People will let us down. We will let others down. God will never fail....never. His promises are true. That is where we should cling.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

thankyou, and yes i do know that logically, and it is probably the advice i would give someone else in my situation. i think i suffer from ptsd, which sets off anxiety, i am honestly trying to work through these malfunctions (lol) - (yes I am feeling better). I guess there a times when my husband is just so understanding and we are so close that when that changes for a time I get disillusioned. is there anyone else that knows what this feels like? it seems like i am the only one on the planet.

 

[mkgal1]

It sounds as though you are a sensitive person...and that is great! That means you can love deeply and be affected by others (and affect them too). What becomes a problem is when you let your emotions control you. When you have time, you should watch this women's conference called, "Oceans of Emotions". It is very helpful! Many of us struggle with this. You aren't alone.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

thanks for that suggestion, i will take a look at it...yes i am pretty sensitive and it has its pros and cons...
I enjoy your perspective...

 

[etmama]

Hosanna, I understand you completely! A woman's need/desire for emotional security is just as a man's need/desire for sex and affirmation. I find in my life that quality time is VERY important to me. And when my husband doesn't put much importance in it, I wonder if he really wants me. So then I feel hurt that he doesn't want to fill my emotional need by making quality time important for us. In turn, he ignores the hurt and the roller coaster has begun. I hate the feeling of feeling hurt, so I push it away until the next time I'm reminded that I'm not that important to him. I think many women out there are in the same position, but are confused. Our men may seem like wonderful fathers who take very good care of the family in a physical way. So many will look at us as though we're crazy for being unhappy. But at the end of the day, when our hurts or concerns fall on deaf, ignorant ears and when we are not being treated as precious to our husbands, the hurt comes and the roller coaster begins when the hurt is ignored. I think if I ignore (that I'm being ignored) and serve, maybe he'll tend to my feelings next time. Or I think it's no use, just push the hurt away...he's not going to change. I can't change him, only God can... I'm currently trying to serve even though my needs are not being met. I tell you, it's hard to do with a happy face. I just do it anyway with hopes that God will bless me with a listening, caring husband.

 

[mkgal1]

Etmama and Hosanna, I believe what we are going through is VERY common, but NOT acceptable. Men are being led to believe that they are great if they have a job, provide for the physical needs of their family, and don't have sexual affairs. They don't believe they have to strive for any more than that.

I came across a great sermon on this titled Marriage and Men. I think churches need to start holding the men more accountable in their walks with Christ. When it is apparent to a wife that her husband is not loving her, she needs to feel she can go to her pastor to lovingly get her husband back on the right path.

On her own, I just don't think she can turn things around. If she continues to love and serve him, she is enabling him and causing him to have even more of a sense of entitlement. If she complains, she will be viewed as a nag and a contentious wife.

 

[etmama]

mkgal, I have wondered about the enabling part...but then I feel a bitterness in my heart when I'm not serving him. So how would you go about it? I have talked to my pastor and he says to give grace upon grace and serve...to be a witness that brings him back to God's way. My husband is also good friends with the pastor and goes to church regularly putting on a very worshipful attitude. So I feel like my complaints would be unheard or devalued. My husband is going to a Christian counselor who just told him he is doing so good, that he doesn't need to come more than once a month. I disagree! It really isn't much, if any better than when he started counseling. And if I voice my opinions on anything, my husband gets a puppy dog, woe is me attitude, almost like he is trying to get me to feel sorry for him. I wish he would just step up and take responsibility. I did listen to the sermon you mentioned and it is excellent!

In the end, my husband is wonderful about providing, helping with the kids & house, etc., but the lack of emotional intimacy (which he refuses to improve on) is killing my self worth and our marriage! How does one combat that without nagging?

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

i have found in my own experience, that it is helpful to seperate the issues. quite often i have confused my "need" with behaviour from him that i find unhelpful. when i seperate the two, i have stopped enabling him in areas that are in fact his responsibility, which has greatly reduced my feelings of bitterness and resentment, which in turn leaves me freer to serve him without a grudge behind it.
I also pray for my husband constantly, in the sense of speaking truth about Him, like He belongs to God, therefore he is one of his, and my husband loves me as Christ loves the church...etc..this then takes the pressure off the marriage and kick starts faith, which is the realm that God works from.
I have also taken my hands off "fixing" things, and being responsible for my own walk with God. This has taken a lot of time, prayer and faith, but I am now seeing the positive results of this.
It's difficult to explain further without going into great detail of my life, but i've tried to sum up the spiritual aspect.

 

[mkgal1]

That is what I had been told for years as well. My husband is a charming guy and I felt that no one was understanding. Then I would speak to counselors and they would tell me I wasn't doing my part, I wasn't willingly serving, but I was! I was giving to exhaustion and was really feeling more and more worthless as a person.

I read a book recently, titled, "I Don't Love You Anymore". It that book, the author said that for a husband to disobey God's word about loving his wife, he is sinning. Stan then posted a thread about Accountability and Respect and that gave me just enough courage to make an appointment with our pastor.

I didn't have to get into too much detail before our pastor said that what he was hearing from me made him angry. He said I had every right to expect my husband to love me. He is meeting with both of us this Thursday and has agreed to lovingly guide my husband in the right direction. Above all, he is not growing enough in his scriptural life to be so hardened to the Word. We need to be doers of the Word, not just hearers.

It took a lot of time for me to get here (talking to our pastor). I believe it was all in God's timing. You need to be sensitive to what the Holy Spirit is telling YOU to do. Since you are feeling bitterness when you are not serving him, maybe that is where you need to be right now.

Did you watch the sermon I linked in the other post? He laid out the different "types" of disobedient husbands.

I am praying for you both. Maybe you need to be in a different church? How a church responds to marital difficulty says a lot about the pastor's heart. I realize that is harsh, but Jesus did NOT allow innocent people to get harmed. I realize you and I are not perfect, nor am I expecting our husbands to be perfect, but following Jesus shows in our actions. Your husband's first ministry is YOU, his wife.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

i agree that the spirit of the church towards marriage can have a big effect on the people. you will know if you are being supported in a good church. i know i am because my church friends and pastor never take sides with me against my husband but lovingly show us both that they are there for us equally and support us both towards a good marriage and towards a positive walk with Christ

 

[mkgal1]

I hope my last post didn't give the impression that our pastor is taking sides AGAINST my husband. He is taking sides against sin. He is very loving, but sometimes there does need to be tough love applied to situations. A wise pastor knows when that is necessary.

We should have a rightous anger against sin, but still love others.

As far as where the line is drawn between what amount of emotional support we should expect from our husbands and where it becomes "needy" is probably something a third party can look at without bias. We should be able to look to our husbands to have an intimate emotional connection with us.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

you are right, im glad to hear that you have a supportive pastor.
i agree that we should be able to have an emotional connection with our husbands, from my experience, i'm coming to realise that my husband needs healing within himself because he is emotionally unavailable to connect with me in a healthy way.

 

[rppearso]

This is a thread you created http://www.christianforums.com/t7351348/

things cant be going that bad.

Is is wrong to rely on your husband to give you the emotional reassurance you might need? I think there is something wrong with me, but then that's a horrible thought, what if there is something wrong with me? What then? Are my needs that off balance?
I am hurting so much, and I don't know what to do to help myself. I have already done a few external things that are supposed to help. eg: medication, a therapist.....but to be honest I am worse! I am crying more and more vulnerable than ever.....My husband doesnt know how to support me, and I feel so alone. The distressing thing for me is that his communication helps me, and when he chooses not to give that, I get panicked and then I get upset by myself..... I wonder if it's not fair to put this pressure on him, I am confused and lonely.....2 days ago I was loved and happy....I hate this rollercoaster that is my life.
Most of the time I am the understanding one, the one that listens to others point of view and can hear what they are experiencing...I think I need to be validated by him somehow, but then it doesnt always happen....

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

couldn't open the thread link...what's your point?

 

[myanchor]

Ladies, read Eggerich's love and respect and cracking the communication code and Shaunti Feldhahn's for couples only which is a combination of for men only and for women only. Yes, your man is commanded to love you, but you are commanded to respect(admire) him. And too your men may be avoiders. You can read some of my other posts about that.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

i've read the couples books from Shaunti Feldhan. My husband even read for men only. He tried the stuff a few times and then gave up. When you have someone that treads all over your respect then boundaries need to be placed up. My respect for him led my down a path of being abused. I can't afford to let things get that bad again. It's time he took his own responsibilities, he is in this marriage too, and is the father of our kids, but if left to his own devices we come last and his own desires come first

 

[mkgal1]

I have to butt in here and say something about the Love/Respect concept. I don't agree that it is a circle as the Eggerich's talk about, that can be broken by either spouse. I believe it is more the case of the husband loving the wife & the wife responding to that love with respect and trust. IF the husband isn't loving the wife, then I feel the respect isn't warranted. I am sure that steps on a lot of toes...but that is just how I see it.

If you have a husband that has no regard for his family (in a general way, I am not saying you, HITH) and only cares for himself and having fun....why should a woman respect that? He will only continue to act that way...that isn't best for anyone...even HIM. I just don't believe that is what the Bible is suggesting for us wives to do.

I think you have the right attitude in this Hosanna. I am praying for you.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

I have to butt in here and say something about the Love/Respect concept. I don't agree that it is a circle as the Eggerich's talk about, that can be broken by either spouse. I believe it is more the case of the husband loving the wife & the wife responding to that love with respect and trust. IF the husband isn't loving the wife, then I feel the respect isn't warranted. I am sure that steps on a lot of toes...but that is just how I see it.

If you have a husband that has no regard for his family (in a general way, I am not saying you, HITH) and only cares for himself and having fun....why should a woman respect that? He will only continue to act that way...that isn't best for anyone...even HIM. I just don't believe that is what the Bible is suggesting for us wives to do.

I think you have the right attitude in this Hosanna. I am praying for you.

I totally agree with you....mkgal. If the husband isn't loving his wife as Christ loves the church, how can the wife respect him in his sin. I think we are responsible for the way we go about ourselves in general, but Christ is the head of the husband and loves him, the husband submits to Christ and is the head of the wife and loves her, and she submits to her husband. Without responding in the order that God has set out, it just doesnt work properly.
I have just read an ebook from the internet that another poster has suggested on here, where it clearly explains this concept that the husband is the initiator of love and the wife responds to that love.
Without this set-up it just doesnt work.
Thanks for your words mkgal.

 

[myanchor]

Hmm, I sorta agree with you, but I believe you are thinking about it as if it is a want. Ladies we NEED you to find something good about us and let us know about it. It's like air, we NEED it. Just like y'all NEED love.

And if you husband does put himself first, then he does need to fix the rectal/cranial inversion. First is God, Second is Spouse, Third is Children, then comes the rest.