I feel like a horrible Christian

[PirateChris]

So this is somewhat of a testimonial and what I have done wrong with my walk with God. I became a Christian when I was in the 8th grade on a camping trip with our high school (private Christian high school obviously). I was floored it was something that was very real to me, but as time went on I saw the same people that were supposed to be followers of God around me do a complete 180 and turn to partying and drinking etc. I didn't lose my faith or anything to that extent but much later on in life around 17 years of age we discovered that I had a severe pectoral deformity. And without going into to much details it was easily to see visually and affected my health and I had to have surgery. Which left my body in a "broken state" for nearly 4 months. Around 18 years or so I just got angry with God, I still had a relationship with him but wouldn't pray as much just wondering why I would be cursed in such a way. And this chest surgery had severely affected how self conscious I was towards myself, and because so just as much as talking to girls made me feel vulnerable.

Ever since I was little I have just wanted a stable relationship, get married and have a family that has always been my dream. And because of my conditions and what was happening at the time I felt like this dream would never come to pass. So instead of praying about it and seeking guidance like I should have. I began feeling sorry for myself and got addicted to inappropriate contentography. But then something only God could have planned happened. I met someone who I know the Lord has designed for me and we have been going out for more than a year. But the only problem here is that we had pre marital sex a few times... because at the time I thought if I wouldn't for some reason she might have left me. Which is bad reasoning, but now we recommitted ourself to what the Lord wants from us. And I still struggle with inappropriate content every once and awhile, when times get really hard and I get depressed. But ive been going good for awhile now.


I just hope God will forgive me for my actions, I know ive upset him and made some poor choices. But im trying to recommit myself, to be on fire for the lord and not mediocre and lukewarm as I had before.

 

[LauraLu]

You have been so blessed to have come back to the Lord! Don't worry so much about what you have done in the past. If you have asked God's forgiveness, he has forgiven you! you are white as snow in his eyes. Regret is a earthy, human emotion... he doesn't have regrets. You have made him smile by coming back to him and recomitting yourself. The Lord doesn't want you to feel pain- he wants you to be happy with the many blessings he has given you and rejoice in him! Bury yourself in his word and pray for strength to fight off Satan, who is trying to make you depressed, give in to your temptations, and feel regret. With the Lord by your side, you can conquer all of that! He sees that you want to do good, and he will bless you in many ways as you learn to walk in his path again. Never forget his undying love for you, no matter what mistakes you make. Jesus has died so that you can be wiped clean of all of that, Praise God I am praying for you!

 

[Holy Warrior]

God bless, mate- hope you and the wench live long and, er, prosper! (Sorry!)

As for being a horrible christian, we all are at times. Just remember that God doesn't pick perfect little religious types to do His work- David was an adulterer, Moses was a murderer, Simon Peter was arrogant, Jonah was a coward, and so on and so forth. No point in wallowing in self-hating; as Lauralu said, enjoy the blessings you have!

 

[PirateChris]

Yes but I have been religious much of my life sine 13 years of age at least. Everyday that goes by I feel so convicted for having trespassing God and not remaining sexually pure (we had premarital sex when I was around 19) , knowing I shouldn't have done it. It feels as if im in chains.

I know that you cannot get to Heaven on works, but through the saving grace of Jesus Christ. I just feel like sometimes I cannot be forgiven for my wrong doing.

 

[Holy Warrior]

I know how you, feel, trust me. Remember, though, there's nothing you can do to change the past, and if you've confessed your sin and repented, then it's forgotten- it doesn't even exist in the eyes of the Lord any more. Also, to elaborate on my earlier example of David- he committed adultery after all the Lord had done for him, heck, he even arranged the death of the woman's husband so he could get it on. Yet he was convicted of his sin, forgiven, and went on to do more good things for God.

Salvation is all about setting you free from your past misdeeds, not making you feel guilty about them for the rest of your life. It's okay to feel ashamed about what you've done. If you didn't, you wouldn't truly have repented of it. When you let it get to you to the extent when you feel 'in chains', though, there's a problem. Ask God to reassure you that your sin is forgiven, and trust in His grace. Take a look at Psalm 51, maybe.

Oh, and Ps103:12- as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

 

[BeautifulDestiny09]

Honestly man, I feel so much love towards you now! I don't even know you but I want to give you a big hug and tell you that you're not a horrible christian! I've struggled with things of my own, and the thing is, God is so gracious and merciful! Most of the time, it is us that struggles with the concept of forgiveness, and we have a hard time forgiving ourselves!

Ask God to deliver you from those things you struggle with! Then you must believe that you have the victory! I definitely suggest reading and meditating on the book of Romans, it deals alot with sin and not being bound by the law/sin...I've definitely been reading this and it helps alot!!!!!! And like Laura said, you were so blessed to come back to God! Many don't ever get that chance, they die in their sin! So be grateful, rejoice in the second chance you've been given!

Much love!

 

[Legallyshe]

Hi PirateChris,

If I can just give you my two cents (that I hope will help), remember that God doesn't want you to remember the sins you've already repented. He has forgiven you, so you must accept that and go forward with the fire you spoke of and continue to serve the Lord to the best of your abilities. Remember, He is a faithful and forgiving God. He loves you and knows your heart and what you're capable of. He knows you're capable of greatness, so it's just up to you to live that for Him. I've actually been in a similar situation, so I somewha understand where you're coming from. I think it's really great that you two have re-committed yourselves.

I will be praying that you can fully accept His forgiveness and be the zealous christian you want to be. I will also be praying that your girlfriend provides you with the support and encouragement you need.

Legallyshe

 

[PirateChris]

Thanks for your words everyone I was a bit worried about this

Names being erased from the book of life:
Which is true, but the one thing that was not mentioned is: FREE WILL. You can choose to reject Jesus Christ, even after being saved (not a good idea). The author of Hebrews 6:4-6 tells us: "For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame." So, once you do that, you've "crossed the line," so to speak.'''

but my situation is more like

A few years ago, I turned away from the Lord. Will He ever take me back?
In Luke 15, Jesus used a parable to show His heart on this subject. He told of a young man who took his inheritance from his father, left the fold and went off on his own. He squandered his wealth and lived in virtual squalor. When he realized what he had done, he decided to take his chances by going home to his family-he knew that he no longer had any rights and would probably be treated as a slave. But, instead, his father showed the heart of Christ. The moment he saw his son from afar, he ran to meet him.
That is what the Lord is doing for you right now. Because you have taken the first step back into His fold, He is running to meet you. The question is not if He will take you back-He already promised that He would. The real question is: "How will you receive Him as He reaches out to you?” You have the assurance of His Word: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 Jn. 1:9). That applies to you the same today as it did in the early days of your faith. If you confess your sins to Jesus, admit that you were wrong, ask for His forgiveness and then ask Him to be Lord of your life once again, He and all of Heaven will rejoice!

Ive never rejected God, there where just periods in time where I was being selfish and wanted things done my way... I wasn't being patient but instead rash. God had a plan for me I just had to get back on the right path and quit struggling with it... which I did for a few years. There were times where I would pray out of frustration and not understand God was putting me through this. But in retrospect it is all the more clear. Just during that period of a year or so I was trying to force my own plan over his.
​

 

[Holy Warrior]

I think most people, if they're honest, could point to a time in their life when the Prodigal Son was a good analogy of their christian life.

The fact that you're concerned about your past misdeeds is a good indication to me that you are forgiven etc. If you had truly rejected God and Christ's sacrifice for you, you'd still be having sex with your girlfriend, not posting here about how you've sinned.

 

[rocklife]

the getting married dream and family didn't happen to me the way I thought it would. I'm a single parent, which is not at all what I expected. but God has given me contentment and helped restore my relationships with my parents and siblings. I urge you to remember your parents, they are the family you have (right, you have at least a mom or dad or grandma or someone?). they really are a blessing for us, even though sometimes hard to live with (keep praying for them too).

I hope things get better. replace those bad things with good, healthy godly things.

 

[PirateChris]

And sometimes I get scared when I read scriptures from the Bible where it talks about how thieves, drunkards, the sexual immoral, shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But then I remember all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God. Its in my past, pre marital sex is something I should have better prepared against. Werther it be lots of prayer or just simply removing my self from the situation. It just goes to show you the power of our God, if he can forgive someone like me. Very powerful.

 

[MusicWarrior]

Hey, don't beat down on yourself so hard. It is tough going through that at the age where you are discovering yourself. All of us fall, for each of us it is something different. I would tell you my story, but I wouldn't want to bore you to death. Details missing, I had a run in with inappropriate content and have only recently escaped. Pre-marital sex is wrong, but God can, wants to, and will forgive you. You know that many of the greatest men in the Bible had "Sex Issues". David is a great Example. I think you had more of an Abraham problem though. Fear of loosing the relationship God promised inspired you to act instead of waiting for God. And may I remind you that God forgave Abraham and look, now he is considered the father of the faith. You need to understand God loves you and that He will forgive you, but you WILL always feel shame if YOU don't forgive yourself. sorry if I bored you.

 

[tia19003]

1. You're not a horrible Christian. You're not even a horrible person.

2. You're very young, still. There will be many other opportunities for sin. David didn't really start sinning until he was like in his 40s or 50s! So, I know that probably doesn't help, but it should. You really should read "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado because it sounds like you've got some problems coming to terms with God, even though He's forgiven you.

3. Because you're not horrible, and you're young, and you have many more years to commit many more sins, try and lighten up on yourself. Don't judge yourself so harshly! Set the bar a little lower, God certainly doesn't expect you to be perfect. And don't let your ideas about the Book of Life and names getting erased and all ruin a perfectly amazing analogy of the Heaven that God has created for us to enjoy.

Take it from me. I'm 27, grew up as a very steadfast, totally into God teenager and ruined it all as an adult in my mid-twenties. It all came crashing down! Now I'm single and pregnant and starting all over. I even thought at one point that God existed but Jesus was just a prophet! And I went to Bible colleges, for goodness sake! And all it took were a few worship songs about forgiveness (try listening to Hillsong United's United We Stand CD...) to bring me back again. I have always loved God for His kindness and mercy (remember the verse that says "kindness leads to repentance?"). He's a kind, just, and overall, merciful, God.

So let Him be. Let God be God, and move on.

~T~