I dont know what to do with my terrible 2

[Antisock]

Oh yeah and idk if its because he's almost 3 and he's detail oriented my husband always says he is OCD because of specific reasons I will discuss later we're taking ds out to get his hair cut

Whatever you do, don't go beating him with a spoon like has been suggested here.

Such emotional damage will only make him worse. He needs to trust mommy and feel safe and secure at home.

 

[BAFRIEND]

instead of analyzing this child to death with modern over-used and over-applied psycho-babbel terminology

why not go have the child checked out

i bet you he is perfectly normal

sensory issues? i bet he just does not like being touched- that is not a syndrome to me; it is just a space/respect preference

 

[benedictaoo]

What ever...

This is the kind of junk I had to put up with from ppl who just don't know for the last 20 years.

It pales in comparison to the knowledge of a wooden spoon.

 

[BAFRIEND]

What ever...

This is the kind of junk I had to put up with from ppl who just don't know for the last 20 years.

It pales in comparison to the knowledge of a wooden spoon.

i did no mean to offend

but, a lot of parents who have real issues and problems to deal with tend to place an over-emphasis on psychology and biological sources when other people describe normal problems other parents are facing

i had a friend who went in to talk to a teacher who claimed his child had dislexia because the child wrote her 5's backwards- this guy in front of the teacher watched the little girl draw her 5 backwards and then he told his daughter to draw a 5 the way daddy does- she drew the 5 the right way but she said she thought backwards was cooler

end of teacher / parent conference

her son is probably perfectly normal and acting out- a lot of damage can be done by placing labels, though

 

[benedictaoo]

what damage?

All you would do is enhance an already positive parenting method.

If the child is "normal" and you implement the techniques, then you only enhanced the child, not hindered him.

 

[BAFRIEND]

i am not posting in this thread any further

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

This is Shannon--I am on another computer and I don't know my password. LOL! I didn't even know this account existed still...lol! BA is on ignore on this account.


I have a ton I want to write, but I am headed out in a little. I will write tomorrow in the morning ((hug)).

I want to tell you how awesome it is that you have apologised and said that you will not hit any more. I have been there with my oldest, and it was HARD, but it was also an amazing opportunity to find a new way.

I have had pretty serious PPD with all of my kids, so I understand the emotional disconnect (which is why I attachment parent primarily--because it's a cheater way to give them what they need, when I am sort of checked out) Before I go--I just want to tell you how super, super resilient kids are. The mistakes we make can so be amended!! My oldest and I had a really rocky beginning, but we are very close now (he's 13) and we have a great relationship and he is an amazing kid. He still challenges me--but I see how he and I have overcome our rough beginnings.

Don't dwell in the past. Forgive yourself, and use your past as fuel to keep trying and discovering a new way which is a good fit for you and your children! I have some other things I want to say--but mostly I want to tell you that admitting our mistakes and taking responsibility is so AWESOME! It puts us in a place to learn so many new things. I can only share what I have learned, and what has worked and been effective for me. Your parenting will be uniquely yours, playing on your personal strengths, compensating for your weaknesses and in specific response to your children.

I want to urge you to not just take on the parenting style of someone else--weigh it out and try it out and see what all is a good fit for you. (I am really pretty crazy--and so joking with my kids and pretty crazy with them, really is effective for me as a mom---but that's because that's a natural strength for me. Someone trying to make jokes and stuff to discipline who isn't really silly(like my husband)--well it's just ineffective and leaves him feeling at a loss.) I only mention this because you are getting a lot of new info here, and will likely get more skills and tools to try out as you read. Just trust your gut, and really take the time to examine where your are strong and where you are week.

 

[CruciFixed]

This is Shannon--I am on another computer and I don't know my password. LOL! I didn't even know this account existed still...lol! BA is on ignore on this account.


I have a ton I want to write, but I am headed out in a little. I will write tomorrow in the morning ((hug)).

I want to tell you how awesome it is that you have apologised and said that you will not hit any more. I have been there with my oldest, and it was HARD, but it was also an amazing opportunity to find a new way.

I have had pretty serious PPD with all of my kids, so I understand the emotional disconnect (which is why I attachment parent primarily--because it's a cheater way to give them what they need, when I am sort of checked out) Before I go--I just want to tell you how super, super resilient kids are. The mistakes we make can so be amended!! My oldest and I had a really rocky beginning, but we are very close now (he's 13) and we have a great relationship and he is an amazing kid. He still challenges me--but I see how he and I have overcome our rough beginnings.

Don't dwell in the past. Forgive yourself, and use your past as fuel to keep trying and discovering a new way which is a good fit for you and your children! I have some other things I want to say--but mostly I want to tell you that admitting our mistakes and taking responsibility is so AWESOME! It puts us in a place to learn so many new things. I can only share what I have learned, and what has worked and been effective for me. Your parenting will be uniquely yours, playing on your personal strengths, compensating for your weaknesses and in specific response to your children.

I want to urge you to not just take on the parenting style of someone else--weigh it out and try it out and see what all is a good fit for you. (I am really pretty crazy--and so joking with my kids and pretty crazy with them, really is effective for me as a mom---but that's because that's a natural strength for me. Someone trying to make jokes and stuff to discipline who isn't really silly(like my husband)--well it's just ineffective and leaves him feeling at a loss.) I only mention this because you are getting a lot of new info here, and will likely get more skills and tools to try out as you read. Just trust your gut, and really take the time to examine where your are strong and where you are week.

Thanks a bunch. BTW BA is not bothersome at all to me and I don't mind his input. I don't want to use a spoon lol but all parents are welcome in this thread because they might have something I can use. If I can't use something I will just leave it.

I had to promise not to spank or hit because I love my son and can't watch him cower in fear every time I come near him for correction. I want respect and love and trust...not a frightened little boy. Normally he never cowers like that but when he was misbehaving in the hospital I told him 3 times to quit doing what he was doing since he didn't I stood up...he pulled back and covered himself with his arms and said "No No no!" I was totally embarrassed for myself because others could see this they must have thought me to be abusive mom. I told him "I am not going to do anything stand up." After I left where we could be alone I promised myself to deal with his issues with other methods. Spankings are out in our household and I especially will not administer them. Perhaps they work for others. I will never discount someone else for spanking because I was raised on spankings. However, it doesn't fit our family.

I remind him when I approach him if he quivers, flinches or cowers:
"I already told you I am not going to hit you anymore so please stand up" So he stands up and I correct him in a different way.

ALL Day we have had a pleasant day. Hardly any acting out at all and we haven't spanked. I refuse to spank because of my temper. Some people can control their temper...

I took some of everyone's advice except anything that deals with using a spanking because of who I am emotionally. Today I haven't felt one bit angry with him even when he tried to test me. I allowed myself to remain calm and surprisingly enough I felt it inside and out.
I just want to see if this is going to last long or if I am going to be boiling over soon.

 

[Anhelyna]

I do hope that when he went to bed you were able to thank him for giving you a MUCH better day because the two of you had not had to fight with each other .

He's clearly a very intelligent wee boy and he needs praise , lots of it , for good behaviour .

 

[benedictaoo]

Brikkz, I want to say one thing and I do not want you to be offended in any way, it's not my intent but you said that you were spanked and it was fine, but it may not be for everyone.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say, possibly the reason why you had such a hard time staying calm is because you never learned the skill of remaining calm as a child in that situation.

IOW, spanking just ends the act in the heat of the moment but it does not teach communication skills, patience, etc.

It does not give us any tools as kids that we need to deal with stress- so when we grow up and find ourselves in this situation, we literally have nothing to draw on to deal with it other then hitting or yelling, if that is what we were shown has kids.

It just does not give us as children, the necessary tools we all need in life to deal with stressful situations. We were never taught or shown to solve it or address it, just to react to it and sadly, like myself, I reacted a lot with yelling because that's what my mom did-- that how I was taught, that's what I was shown for how to deal with these types of situations.

So, IMO I just don't think spanking is the way to go for anyone for the reason, there is no learning curve to it, no skill to it. We aren't giving children the tools they will need later on in life.

It's fascinating but to think that everything you say and do now is what will shape them for the rest of their lives. If you give them the right skills and tools we all need to be self confident, well balanced people, you have given them the greatest gift of all, next to faith, that they can have.

I wish my parents would have taught me how to act... instead it was just monkey see, monkey do and as adults, thanks be to God, I have the insight to want to change it and learn it.

 

[_Shannon_]

I have a few very verbal children. It can be an immense challenge to remember that their verbal skills do not coincide with their emotional abilities. It can be hard to remember that a highly verbal 2 or 3 year old is still just 2 or 3, and not older. I find it challenging to not expect more than my highly verbal children are actually capable of understanding and processing.

We do sort of optional time outs...when there is a repetitive behaviour or some sort of big emotional expression that the child cannot handle constructively--I diffuse the situation saying, "We need to take a little break. Do you want to sit by yourself or sit with Mommy and calm down?" Some of my kids want to be alone (my introverts) and some want to sit with me. I do not engage them in talking about the issue at hand--just offer snuggles and reflection of their emotions--until they are settled down a bit. Then we go back to dealing with the issue at hand. To me, it's really important that they do not interpret my actions to mean that they are not allowed to have or express big feelings. I just want to help facilitate constructively dealing with and expressing those big emotions. Not quash them.

I wanted to add in here--that from what you've written here--you son sounds well within the range of normal. My husband and I joke about what we've dubbed "Toddler OCD"..2 and 3 year olds have lots of ritualistic beaviour. It is how they begin to impose order upon their world, and grow in a sense of power and mastery. So for this age it's vitally important whether or not both socks go on before shoes, or if it's one sock and one shoe, and then the other--or if the peanut butter has to go on before or after the jelly, etc. Kids this age are great sorters--they line things up in neat little rows. It's completely insane from an adult point of view, but really important to the under 5 set--some kids moreso than others. It only becomes problematic if these ritual behaviours extend past about age 5 or 6. One thing you can do to tap into this and help them build their sense of mastery is to offer lots of sorting activities. Google Montessori sorting for some ideas, here's just one example: How to entertain your Montessori toddler: grouping and sorting | eHow.com

I am being beckoned by my own little ones, so I have to run. I hope today is a great day for you guys!

 

[CruciFixed]

Its been a hard day. I'm feeling emotional/enraged again so I am going to get anger management. However, I worked today and didnt work yesterday. As soon as I got home my husband's rattling his plans of going out with his friends to me and all I wanted to do was pump and meanwhile my husband had let my son sleep at 7 oclock when he's supposed to stay up til after 9 because if he sleeps that early he's up til 3 a.m and I have to work. So I had to wake up a cranky toddler who wanted Mommy to do art with him since he wasn't allowed to sleep when all I wanted to do was pump then my 12 week old woke up and started crying so I had to feed him and hear my toddler complain in the background that he wanted to do crafts all this while my husband is leaving to go play video games with his buddy.

I am exhausted.
But I think the different factors added stress to a stressful day (I'm a home health aide) and that's when I find it harder to control my emotions.

 

[CruciFixed]

Brikkz, I want to say one thing and I do not want you to be offended in any way, it's not my intent but you said that you were spanked and it was fine, but it may not be for everyone.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say, possibly the reason why you had such a hard time staying calm is because you never learned the skill of remaining calm as a child in that situation.

IOW, spanking just ends the act in the heat of the moment but it does not teach communication skills, patience, etc.

It does not give us any tools as kids that we need to deal with stress- so when we grow up and find ourselves in this situation, we literally have nothing to draw on to deal with it other then hitting or yelling, if that is what we were shown has kids.

It just does not give us as children, the necessary tools we all need in life to deal with stressful situations. We were never taught or shown to solve it or address it, just to react to it and sadly, like myself, I reacted a lot with yelling because that's what my mom did-- that how I was taught, that's what I was shown for how to deal with these types of situations.

So, IMO I just don't think spanking is the way to go for anyone for the reason, there is no learning curve to it, no skill to it. We aren't giving children the tools they will need later on in life.

It's fascinating but to think that everything you say and do now is what will shape them for the rest of their lives. If you give them the right skills and tools we all need to be self confident, well balanced people, you have given them the greatest gift of all, next to faith, that they can have.

I wish my parents would have taught me how to act... instead it was just monkey see, monkey do and as adults, thanks be to God, I have the insight to want to change it and learn it.

I don't want to point fingers at my parents every time I am under stress but a lot of problems I have do stem from my parents. I have social anxiety because they were unstable moving all the time and not because Dad was in the military sometimes we moved within 6 months sometimes we stayed in one place for a year or two. So I assume a lot of my social anxiety and anxieties in general stems from not ever having one place to call "home"

My mom screamed a lot sometimes she got physical but mostly she called in my dad to do the spankings. I turned out like okay. I mean I never did anything incredibly bad so I guess I turned out okay.

My husband was beat I mean beat senseless and while he was bad as hell as a teen he is a calm adult. So Idk.

 

[WarriorAngel]

Peace be with you hon.
Parenting is the toughest job on earth.

 

[JacktheCatholic]

Peace be with you hon.
Parenting is the toughest job on earth.

But it is the most rewarding too.

 

[CruciFixed]

He won't stop tonight. IT is tough. I THANK my husband for allowing my son to nap after 7 p.m. This is my reward for being the only working parent. I cant get peace. He's aggravating me so bad tonight.

 

[Anygma]

He won't stop tonight. IT is tough. I THANK my husband for allowing my son to nap after 7 p.m. This is my reward for being the only working parent. I cant get peace. He's aggravating me so bad tonight.

sorry to hear you're having a rough one.

do you have easy craft project list you can easily pull from. i was always stumped until i found this site. my kids loved doing the animals.

sorry don't have advices for you at the moment. i'll pray that everything goes as smoothly as possible given the situation

 

[_Shannon_]

I don't want to point fingers at my parents every time I am under stress but a lot of problems I have do stem from my parents. I have social anxiety because they were unstable moving all the time and not because Dad was in the military sometimes we moved within 6 months sometimes we stayed in one place for a year or two. So I assume a lot of my social anxiety and anxieties in general stems from not ever having one place to call "home"

My mom screamed a lot sometimes she got physical but mostly she called in my dad to do the spankings. I turned out like okay. I mean I never did anything incredibly bad so I guess I turned out okay.

My husband was beat I mean beat senseless and while he was bad as hell as a teen he is a calm adult. So Idk.

Read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. It is short and easy to read--but is about as life changing as books get.
http://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfe...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1293973081&sr=1-1

This might also be a valuable read:
Amazon.com: Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected (9781600374845): Susan Stiffelman: Books

This also might give you some more tools from which to parent:
Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery

 

[_Shannon_]

He won't stop tonight. IT is tough. I THANK my husband for allowing my son to nap after 7 p.m. This is my reward for being the only working parent. I cant get peace. He's aggravating me so bad tonight.

One of the greatest challenges to me as a parent is staying in the moment, dealing with the present. When things like this happen--and choices earlier in the day result in crappiness later, I have to use all of my will to stay focused on the present situation. Sometimes I am very successful, sometimes I am not.

What I mean by that is just accepting what is out of your control (the past) and focusing on dealing with the situation at hand. It also means not projecting into the future (Meh--he's gonna be tired, and I NEED to get sleep and I am gonna be tired. If my husband only wouldn't have let him sleep. He's always doing stuff like that......and on and on.....)

When you find yourself in the midst of a situation like this, you have a choice. You can embrace it and make the best of it or you can stay in a negatively oriented attitude about it all. For me, when I choose to make the best of it, and stay in the present--I can access the part of me that can make things fun. We can use the extra time together to play a game, or make pay doh, or color on giant piece of paper, or play hide and seek, or even to just have a special movie watching time, or take a bath or shower together (with my little kids...lol! not my biggers. My littles always want to take a shower with me so they can play-but normally my showers are all about efficiency-get in, get out and get done.) But I can only reactively parent if I am stuck being annoyed about what happened leading up to this or if I am immersed in worry about what is to come later or tomorrow.

It is a hard skill to learn. At least it has been for me. I was raised in a completely reactive household, so I have had to learn all of this from scratch. I use deep breathing, and a little meditation script to pull myself together when I can feel the stress and hear the litany of complaint bubbling forth. I don't know about most people, but I can physically feel the stress building. It's then that I take a few moments, sit and breathe deeply and tell myself "I am safe. I am peaceful. I am kind to myself and others. I accept myself as I am. I accept the situation as it is." I do not act until the physical feelings of stress building dissipate--and if not acting means that the cabinets are emptied or the bathroom is flooded or whatever in the meantime--I accept that--I cannot parent or relate effectively from that wounded place where all of that stress comes from. It has been extremely challenging to break the cycle of the "high" of giving into my stress and anger and releasing it through yelling or blaming. But truly, 99% of the time now--I can gain self mastery and deal constructively with the issues at hand.

 

[_Shannon_]

I also just wanted to add that there is a vast difference in understanding your own upbringing and using it as a tool to help you heal, and blaming your parents every time you struggle.

It was so freeing to me to grieve my childhood..and get to a place where I could honestly say that my parents did the best they knew to do and were capable of at the time. It was even remotely close to what I needed, but I know they did their best.

Being able to say that, acknowledged the pain and hurt--but also let me relate with compassion and forgiveness in regards to them. I dunno--it was really life changing for me, so I thought I'd share.