I cringe on my husband's behalf...

[bluegreysky]

Fall in love with and marry someone with PTSD,
you kind of walk on eggshells at times.

This morning an arsonist torched 3 houses downtown
and a lady got hit by a train.
Such violence!
When crime happens, I cringe.
Every city has it.
And I know he will never feel truly safe because he's always
"hypervigilant".

 

[Emjay1985]

PTSD is a terrible thing that many people do not recognize or understand. My brother is in the army and has been deployed several times. Each time his PTSD gets worse. His wife has not sympathy or empathy for him.

PTSD is a terrible thing. I thank God that He blessed your husband with a loving compassionate wife.

 

[Sunshine Locket]

Is your husband getting help for his problem? Are you? Since you're in this together when he suffers like this. My prayers are with you both.

 

[bluegreysky]

He got therapy. In the early days of us dating it was its worst. We did everything backwards. We fell in love too soon. Then, I saw the ugliest parts of his condition and at only 22, instead of running like everyone told me to, I stayed and weathered some stuff most people won't see until years into a marriage if ever. And I was only DATING him.
It wasn't until he got through intensive therapy and got to where he didn't need meds (so he wasn't numb and oblivious to people's feelings anymore) that we were able to settle down and get married.

 

[bluegreysky]

When we first met and first started dating, I was still in a dark place in life so I would befriend unsavory people sometimes and want to go to bars and clubs and part of what helped me heal and "grow up" was that I loved him and he needed stability not party-girl.
Anyways, I'd go off to a club with some shady girlfriends and he'd get upset with me. Or I'd take him to hang out at a shady bar and he'd get mad that I brought him to a place that 1) Wasn't healthy for us and 2) Was bad on his PTSD.

So fast forward to now- we are in church together and all our friends are from church so no more instability, only Godly people surround us. But if for example we are out for a walk and we witness a guy and a girl out in the street having some sort of trashy "lovers quarrel", I worry and feel guilty. He wants to eventually buy a house and go to a place where he feels safest, but for right now the best move was for him to move into my condo after our wedding. The neighborhood is decent, a golf community with standards, but it sits on a highway that has alot of run down shady stuff just a mile away. So those types of people cut through from time to time or a bunch of loud party kids will move into our building and I worry that he will be angry with me for inviting him to a place where his PTSD goes off sometimes.
He said I'm worried over nothing, but I feel like it's my job to protect him from what messes with his condition.

 

[Inkachu]

It's not your job to protect him, sister. It's your job to love, support, and comfort him when he DOES hit a bad moment. Trust God to protect the both of you, and to continue his healing, and show you how to be his supporter. But be wary of getting into "mommying" him via wanting to protect him and shelter him. Not saying you're doing that... just something to be conscious of for the future. Sometimes our female nurturing instinct is so strong that we extend it to our husbands... and that's not where it's supposed to go

 

[Shane R]

Talk every evening. Openness is essential. Time helps PTSD and so does knowing that someone is there for the long haul.

 

[bluegreysky]

It's not your job to protect him, sister. It's your job to love, support, and comfort him when he DOES hit a bad moment. Trust God to protect the both of you, and to continue his healing, and show you how to be his supporter. But be wary of getting into "mommying" him via wanting to protect him and shelter him. Not saying you're doing that... just something to be conscious of for the future. Sometimes our female nurturing instinct is so strong that we extend it to our husbands... and that's not where it's supposed to go

Just curious- we are at a social event, let's say our regular bible study, and someone says to us "Hey there will be a married couples retreat in the fall at a resort with about 12 other married couples and lots of workshops on marriage, you should go with us!". My husband doesn't usually respond to things like that right off but I can tell he looks nervous. I give them a polite "well thank you, but I don't know that we will have time this fall". The real reasons for my decline are because 1) I know that being in a strange place with strange couples who want to ask him personal questions will mess with his condition 2) He also wants to save money anyway so we can't afford the $200 for something like that right now anyway... but mostly it was reason #1. And he is usually afraid to just outright admit that to people so I do it for him.
Is that "mommying?"

PS> I still read your posts in LSP's voice

 

[Inkachu]

Just curious- we are at a social event, let's say our regular bible study, and someone says to us "Hey there will be a married couples retreat in the fall at a resort with about 12 other married couples and lots of workshops on marriage, you should go with us!". My husband doesn't usually respond to things like that right off but I can tell he looks nervous. I give them a polite "well thank you, but I don't know that we will have time this fall". The real reasons for my decline are because 1) I know that being in a strange place with strange couples who want to ask him personal questions will mess with his condition 2) He also wants to save money anyway so we can't afford the $200 for something like that right now anyway... but mostly it was reason #1. And he is usually afraid to just outright admit that to people so I do it for him.
Is that "mommying?"

Perhaps. If you can tell that he's just going to clam up and not speak for himself in a situation like that, rather than answering for him, maybe say "we'll get back to you on that". And then later on, ask him what he thinks, would he like to at least give it a try? Give him a chance to surprise you. And even if he says he doesn't want to go, see if you can get him to contact the person who invited you. Or find a way to tell the person together, as a couple. He needs to know that it's OK to learn to speak up about what he's comfortable and not comfortable with. He doesn't need to be ashamed or embarrassed, and he needs to keep being exposed to invitations and new experiences, even if he decides he doesn't want to do them 100 times, it may be that 101st time that he decides to take a leap and stretch himself and give it a try. Rather than feeling like you need to protect him from everything, maybe see it as being the one who encourages him to face his fears (gently and safely), and be the one who cheers him on, supports him, boosts his confidence, celebrates when he has a breakthrough (no matter how tiny!), and comforts him when he feels he failed. Letting him "be a man" is really, really important. We ladies tend to want to swoop in and rescue the people we love, and take on the responsibilities, and just "make things OK". It can be really difficult learning to stand back and let someone that we love struggle, but it's a crucial skill to have as a wife and/or mother.

PS> I still read your posts in LSP's voice

Oh my glob... you guys!...

(LOL I just had to!)

 

[bluegreysky]

Thanks, I will try that next time.

I can always tell when he's thinking for himself Vs. when he's thinking with his PTSD.

When he thinks with his condition, he thinks people are "out to get him" or think things about him that probably aren't true. He will say "did you see that girl giving me a look?" and I can just tell she naturally has a stink eye and she wasn't looking at him at all... or he will say "people are looking at me weird, they probably know that I got in trouble at a bar this one time 5 years ago" and I'm like "howwwww .... could they possibly know that? If I didn't tell them and you didn't, I doubt they know"
Or "I'm afraid to go back to that bible study because I said an embarassing thing last year" and I know those people and how they are all wrapped up in their own lives and wouldn't even remember. And when I brought that one up to this one girl, I was right. She didn't remember.

Oh well. Other than that, which is only between us, and him thrashing around in his sleep, which is also between us, you can't really tell anything's wrong with him.

 

[Inkachu]

Thanks, I will try that next time.

I can always tell when he's thinking for himself Vs. when he's thinking with his PTSD.

When he thinks with his condition, he thinks people are "out to get him" or think things about him that probably aren't true. He will say "did you see that girl giving me a look?" and I can just tell she naturally has a stink eye and she wasn't looking at him at all... or he will say "people are looking at me weird, they probably know that I got in trouble at a bar this one time 5 years ago" and I'm like "howwwww .... could they possibly know that? If I didn't tell them and you didn't, I doubt they know"
Or "I'm afraid to go back to that bible study because I said an embarassing thing last year" and I know those people and how they are all wrapped up in their own lives and wouldn't even remember. And when I brought that one up to this one girl, I was right. She didn't remember.

Oh well. Other than that, which is only between us, and him thrashing around in his sleep, which is also between us, you can't really tell anything's wrong with him.

My hubby has a violently abusive past, and also struggles with nightmares and thrashing in his sleep. I can definitely empathize with that portion of it. And while he's come a long, long way, he still struggles with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he'd had PTSD at some point in his life.

I know you said your hubby had been through therapy in the past. Did he stop it at some point because he felt he was "recovered"? If he's still dealing with paranoia and social anxiety, maybe he could use some more support from the outside?

What about you? Have you ever been part of a support group for relatives of those with PTSD?

How does he usually respond when you counter his fears? Does he immediately see that you're right and he's wrong? Does it help to point out that his thinking is irrational? I'm asking because a lot of times, when someone is under anxiety like that, rather than focus on the manifestation (he's afraid someone is looking at him funny), it's smarter to focus on the cause (he's experiencing anxiety for whatever reason, and it probably has nothing to do with the person he thinks is staring at him). I have a TON of experience with anxiety issues... not PTSD... but generalized anxiety, panic attacks, you name it. It can manifest in countless ways, but getting to the core of WHY I'm feeling anxious to begin with, is a lot more constructive than focusing on whatever phobia is currently the focal point of my anxieties.

I don't recall if you've ever said, but is his PTSD from being in the military or from some other cause?

 

[bluegreysky]

My hubby has a violently abusive past, and also struggles with nightmares and thrashing in his sleep. I can definitely empathize with that portion of it. And while he's come a long, long way, he still struggles with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he'd had PTSD at some point in his life.

I know you said your hubby had been through therapy in the past. Did he stop it at some point because he felt he was "recovered"? If he's still dealing with paranoia and social anxiety, maybe he could use some more support from the outside?

What about you? Have you ever been part of a support group for relatives of those with PTSD?

How does he usually respond when you counter his fears? Does he immediately see that you're right and he's wrong? Does it help to point out that his thinking is irrational? I'm asking because a lot of times, when someone is under anxiety like that, rather than focus on the manifestation (he's afraid someone is looking at him funny), it's smarter to focus on the cause (he's experiencing anxiety for whatever reason, and it probably has nothing to do with the person he thinks is staring at him). I have a TON of experience with anxiety issues... not PTSD... but generalized anxiety, panic attacks, you name it. It can manifest in countless ways, but getting to the core of WHY I'm feeling anxious to begin with, is a lot more constructive than focusing on whatever phobia is currently the focal point of my anxieties.

I don't recall if you've ever said, but is his PTSD from being in the military or from some other cause?

PTSD started with his childhood and intensified in the military both because of tough stuff he had to do/see and because his own superiors harrassed him all the time.

He "graduated" from therapy, but some of the symptoms will always be there. I have some generalized anxiety too, and now he's at the same level as me where 5 years ago he couldn't even function normal in any situation.
If he says "so and so was giving me a look" and I tell him something like "no she wasn't, she just always has a stink eye" he gets irritated that I don't believe him. I have to acknowledge his concern and then later if I tell him I think she just always has that face he might relax a little.
I have to kind of just let him do his own thing because he will knowingly venture out into a crowded place or something like that and purposefully go against his condition and try to have a good time, but other times it doesn't work and he just has to go home and get back to something he feels comfortable with. But he's doing alot better, he can hold out alot longer. When we first dated I brought him to my parents and he was panicked the whole weekend but I brought him there just before the wedding and he seemed to be just fine. His only complaint was going home he admitted he felt "out of his comfort zone a little and eager to get back to his room and his routine" but that seems normal for alot of people.

What I have to watch out for is obvious PTSD-fueled "shifts"... not like mood swings but like changes in his comfort level in a situation. Sometimes he will volunteer himself. It's a rainy day so I say "I'm going to the mall, but I know you don't like to so you don't have to come along" and he said "no I want to, that sounds fun" but when we get there he is in this big, crowded place with alot of noise and I want to look at clothes or whatever and he starts getting edgy and irritated because "he doesn't want to be stuck there for a few hours, he doesn't like the mall" and I can tell the anxiety is going up so we leave and go somewhere else. I think it's like "biting off more than you can chew" when you're ordering food and it turns out it was more than you could handle and too rich.
It's an effective way to keep me from spending money though, LOL

 

[Sunshine Locket]

He got therapy. In the early days of us dating it was its worst. We did everything backwards. We fell in love too soon. Then, I saw the ugliest parts of his condition and at only 22, instead of running like everyone told me to, I stayed and weathered some stuff most people won't see until years into a marriage if ever. And I was only DATING him.
It wasn't until he got through intensive therapy and got to where he didn't need meds (so he wasn't numb and oblivious to people's feelings anymore) that we were able to settle down and get married.

You've got a lot of guts. He must be very special. I wish you both the very best. May God's peace and healing surround you both.

 

[bluegreysky]

You've got a lot of guts. He must be very special. I wish you both the very best. May God's peace and healing surround you both.

I knew he was going to need special care and handling from like day 1, but I guess I always loved him and I really wanted him anyway so I was like "ok what have a I got to lose? let's go for it".

 

[Inkachu]

What I have to watch out for is obvious PTSD-fueled "shifts"... not like mood swings but like changes in his comfort level in a situation. Sometimes he will volunteer himself. It's a rainy day so I say "I'm going to the mall, but I know you don't like to so you don't have to come along" and he said "no I want to, that sounds fun" but when we get there he is in this big, crowded place with alot of noise and I want to look at clothes or whatever and he starts getting edgy and irritated because "he doesn't want to be stuck there for a few hours, he doesn't like the mall" and I can tell the anxiety is going up so we leave and go somewhere else. I think it's like "biting off more than you can chew" when you're ordering food and it turns out it was more than you could handle and too rich.
It's an effective way to keep me from spending money though, LOL

Maybe next time, take a few minutes to help him think ahead, and to also consider how his actions might affect YOU, not just him.

"The mall is very crowded, honey. It can be noisy. I really want to take my time and not rush through shopping. Do you really think you'll be OK the whole time? Do you think being in a crowded, loud place might bother you after a few minutes? What plans can we have in place in case you feel like you want to leave? Will you be OK if I decide that I want to go alone?"

It's awesome that he's made so much progress!

 

[bluegreysky]

Well I got girlfriends for this very thing, because some things are best done with your friends especially if your significant other/spouse doesn't like some of your more social pastimes.
But they don't like to shop either.
So I think maybe its just a divine signal to save money.

 

[Inkachu]

Well I got girlfriends for this very thing, because some things are best done with your friends especially if your significant other/spouse doesn't like some of your more social pastimes.
But they don't like to shop either.
So I think maybe its just a divine signal to save money.

Maybe, lol.

 

[bluegreysky]

TBH, I feel fine about going to a church function or going to spend time with these girlfriends but I don't feel right about spending a whole afternoon alone at the mall anymore. I should probably be at home bonding with my new husband...or at least somewhere he likes to be.

 

[Inkachu]

TBH, I feel fine about going to a church function or going to spend time with these girlfriends but I don't feel right about spending a whole afternoon alone at the mall anymore. I should probably be at home bonding with my new husband...or at least somewhere he likes to be.

An afternoon alone at the mall is perfectly fine, as long as it's done in moderation. How frequently that should be is totally between you and your hubby. My husband would do everything together if I agreed to it, but I like to do some things alone, for my own sanity lol. I just make sure that I spend plenty of time with him otherwise

 

[bluegreysky]

When I started this thread yesterday, I was saying how local drama upsets him...
and in the news there's an arsonist at large and a woman hit by a train.

Ok I looked at the update on the train story and the woman lived but.... she got hit by the train because she was standing in the tracks taking pictures of it. DERP!