Husband who doesn't want anymore kids

[snoochface]

Your wife already has a child. She knows they don't stay babies. She knows what needs to be given up. She wants one anyway.

Have you talked to her about this yet?

 

[RedTulipMom]

Stop being selfish and think of your WIFE and her feelings. Do ya really want to hurt your wife like this after shes been waiting for 3 yrs for this child you told her about. Suck it up and have the child so you don't destroy your marriage. Its not all about ME when we are CHRISTIAN..we GIVE not take or hurt. Put God FIRST and your WIFE second, your kids third and YOURSELF last and you'll be fine...ya need a servants heart like Jesus! sorry to be harsh but seriously...you dont want to give stuff up for your own flesh and blood. Guess what..parenting is about Sacrificing. JEsus made the ultimate Sacrifice, your supposed to be imitating him.

 

[GolfingMom]

My wife and I have five children (four boys and a girl). They are all grown now. We never felt we had to "give up" anything of importance. In fact they added to the joy of our life. When you have children they become your primary responsibility. Your "give up" remark makes me wonder if you might be a little selfish.

Not everyone handles having babies with joy I have friends who had one child and wished they never had that one child while I have friends who have 3 and 4 and want more! Each family operates uniquely. IF the OP doesn't want another child - he and his wife have some talking to do. It's not fair to bring another child only to be resented by a parent.

 

[LoisGriffin]

IF the OP doesn't want another child - he and his wife have some talking to do. It's not fair to bring another child only to be resented by a parent.

An unwanted child will suffer so much. Its so important that a child is wanted by both parents.

 

[GodrockDJ]

Hmmm... this seems to be turning into a childfree vs. non childfree debate....

 

[snoochface]

Stop being selfish and think of your WIFE and her feelings. Do ya really want to hurt your wife like this after shes been waiting for 3 yrs for this child you told her about. Suck it up and have the child so you don't destroy your marriage. Its not all about ME when we are CHRISTIAN..we GIVE not take or hurt. Put God FIRST and your WIFE second, your kids third and YOURSELF last and you'll be fine...ya need a servants heart like Jesus! sorry to be harsh but seriously...you dont want to give stuff up for your own flesh and blood. Guess what..parenting is about Sacrificing. JEsus made the ultimate Sacrifice, your supposed to be imitating him.

Sorry, but I totally disagree with this. The absolutely worst, most selfish thing a person can do is to have a child they don't want, might resent, and do not want to sacrifice time and personal needs/desires for. Don't ever fool yourself into thinking that child won't know they weren't really wanted. It would be doing an injustice to have a child under these circumstances.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have another kid. The OP didn't say he didn't love or sacrifice for the two kids he already has. He just said he didn't want a third. And there's nothing at all wrong or selfish with that.

The problem is that he told his wife he would have another child, and has since changed his mind. He needs to talk about this to his wife, because if this is a deal-breaker for her, if she feels it's a bait and switch, she deserves to know where his mind is as soon as possible. Assuming they are around the same age, he can't wait until it's too late for her to have a choice in the matter.

But the answer is for them to talk talk talk talk talk about where to go from here. If, at the end of all that discussion, he feels like he wants to have a third child after all, great. But if he still feels like he doesn't want it, he absolutely should not have one -- and that's not a selfish thing to do, it's a selfless thing to do. It would be selfish of his wife to inflict a father who doesn't want him/her onto an innocent child who didn't ask to be unwanted.

 

[LJSGM]

Don't ever fool yourself into thinking that child won't know they weren't really wanted.

I don't know, my kids seem to be oblivious!

 

[Nella Fantasia]

Stop being selfish and think of your WIFE and her feelings. Do ya really want to hurt your wife like this after shes been waiting for 3 yrs for this child you told her about. Suck it up and have the child so you don't destroy your marriage. Its not all about ME when we are CHRISTIAN..we GIVE not take or hurt. Put God FIRST and your WIFE second, your kids third and YOURSELF last and you'll be fine...ya need a servants heart like Jesus! sorry to be harsh but seriously...you dont want to give stuff up for your own flesh and blood. Guess what..parenting is about Sacrificing. JEsus made the ultimate Sacrifice, your supposed to be imitating him.

You seem to be forgetting that there's a third party involved, aside from the husband and wife. There's nothing more selfish than bringing an unwanted child into the world for your own desires when that innocent life is going to be the one who will have to pay for it for the rest of his/her life.

But the answer is for them to talk talk talk talk talk about where to go from here.

That would be my advice, too.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I can see how it does seem like a bait and switch kind of thing. But honestly, earlier in our marriage I did have intentions on having another child. But our kids are a handful as it is and I just don't think its a good idea. Plus I think my wife is infatuated with the baby stage and does not realize that this stage is only temporary. Also I don't think she realizes the things we both have to give up for the new child as well. The sad thing about my feelings is that I could go on in life without ever having another child and be quite content. I'm not saying I'm right, its just how I feel.

Your family dynamic will change and your life will get easier. Having two children is generally bad because they compete with each other for attention which is annoying for parents. 3 and above in number and they start taking care of each other. 4 is probably best as they can pair up with each other. When it comes to children the sweet spot is 4. Google up on it if you want.

 

[LoisGriffin]

Hmmm... this seems to be turning into a childfree vs. non childfree debate....

Really where? The original poster is not childfree or are people without children not allowed to post on this board?

 

[bleek1977]

Stop being selfish and think of your WIFE and her feelings. Do ya really want to hurt your wife like this after shes been waiting for 3 yrs for this child you told her about. Suck it up and have the child so you don't destroy your marriage. Its not all about ME when we are CHRISTIAN..we GIVE not take or hurt. Put God FIRST and your WIFE second, your kids third and YOURSELF last and you'll be fine...ya need a servants heart like Jesus! sorry to be harsh but seriously...you dont want to give stuff up for your own flesh and blood. Guess what..parenting is about Sacrificing. JEsus made the ultimate Sacrifice, your supposed to be imitating him.

OOOOOOOOOkay? So you're saying go ahead and have a child even though it's not in my heart to and jeapordize making the situation worse? OOOkay next response please!!

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Stop being selfish and think of your WIFE and her feelings. Do ya really want to hurt your wife like this after shes been waiting for 3 yrs for this child you told her about. Suck it up and have the child so you don't destroy your marriage. Its not all about ME when we are CHRISTIAN..we GIVE not take or hurt. Put God FIRST and your WIFE second, your kids third and YOURSELF last and you'll be fine...ya need a servants heart like Jesus! sorry to be harsh but seriously...you dont want to give stuff up for your own flesh and blood. Guess what..parenting is about Sacrificing. JEsus made the ultimate Sacrifice, your supposed to be imitating him.

You should NEVER have children if just ONE of two parties doesn't want a child. Never.

That puts both the marriage and a child in potential jeopardy, because having a child when you do not WANT a child can destroy the marriage and potentially hurt the child in the long run.

And they BOTH have to think of each other. It isn't his sole job to think of his wife, and the wife has no responsibility to think of her husband's wishes, they both have to think about each other, but more importantly they -both- have to think about the future of the potential child involved here.

If and when both parties agree that it is time for another child, then have one. But if even one person is against it, there are too many risks involved in "having a child anyway and let's see what happens". "Gee, hope my feelings change" -- as someone who knows for a fact that sometimes feelings do NOT change, it is far too risky to proceed on "what if".

You have to go with what you know now.

Did the OP pull bait-and-switch on his wife? Yes, sorry dude, can't help ya there. You let her believe she was gonna get a baby, and now you are saying you don't want one. I can see why she'd be upset.

But that being said, you are in this position now, and you have to deal with what's being dealt. Just because he's come to the realization that he doesn't want any children, doesn't mean he should HAVE children because he -at one time- thought he might like another.

People change. We have to change, and we have to deal with change, that's just how it goes.

 

[GolfingMom]

You should NEVER have children if just ONE of two parties doesn't want a child. Never.

That puts both the marriage and a child in potential jeopardy, because having a child when you do not WANT a child can destroy the marriage and potentially hurt the child in the long run.

And they BOTH have to think of each other. It isn't his sole job to think of his wife, and the wife has no responsibility to think of her husband's wishes, they both have to think about each other, but more importantly they -both- have to think about the future of the potential child involved here.

If and when both parties agree that it is time for another child, then have one. But if even one person is against it, there are too many risks involved in "having a child anyway and let's see what happens". "Gee, hope my feelings change" -- as someone who knows for a fact that sometimes feelings do NOT change, it is far too risky to proceed on "what if".

You have to go with what you know now.

Did the OP pull bait-and-switch on his wife? Yes, sorry dude, can't help ya there. You let her believe she was gonna get a baby, and now you are saying you don't want one. I can see why she'd be upset.

But that being said, you are in this position now, and you have to deal with what's being dealt. Just because he's come to the realization that he doesn't want any children, doesn't mean he should HAVE children because he -at one time- thought he might like another.

People change. We have to change, and we have to deal with change, that's just how it goes.

Agree

 

[lovesbrightpink]

me and my husband talked about it and straight up decided if we changed our minds that we wouldnt be together....were married so that we can build a family.

He is going to be a great dad someday, thats one of the things I love about him...

you wife might have felt differently if she had known you felt this way before marriage....

 

[GolfingMom]

me and my husband talked about it and straight up decided if we changed our minds that we wouldnt be together....were married so that we can build a family.

He is going to be a great dad someday, thats one of the things I love about him...

you wife might have felt differently if she had known you felt this way before marriage....

But even the OP didn't know. He thought he wanted more kids...and now doesn't. People change and a marriage includes WORKING through the changes

It's going to get even more worse because eventhough I wanted children in the beginning, I don't have the desire to have another child

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Right. People can't always predict the future. Nothing in a mortal life is 100%, there are truly no such things as absolutes.

For instance, I don't like kids, I don't want kids but you know what? I don't discount the possibility that someday a miracle might happen and I'll wake up with the burning desire to have a baby. Who knows, it could happen. And if that change happens, it's something we'll address together.

And if my husband wakes up some day with some burning desire to have a baby, and I'm still 100% adamant against it, well we'll just have to take that one day at a time and work together like adults to figure out what our future holds. Not just like adults, but like married adults, partners in life, through thick and thin.

It would have been nice if he had have known his entire future from the day they met or from prior to when they got married, sure. But people change. You can't predict how a person, even -yourself-, will feel with 100% accuracy x-amount of days, weeks, months, or years from now.

All you can do is work together like the husband and wife that you are. Plain and simple.

 

[whatisyourstory]

Like many others have said, you need to talk to your wife about your feelings sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I think that bait and switch is a little harsh. It's not like you told her in the beginning that you wanted another child, knowing full well you didn't, just to get her to marry you. I'm sure there have been many changes in all of your lives in the past three years that you couldn't have known about.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I can understand the stress of having children... I have 4 and i am not one to say that it's been nothing but blessing and i have no regrets.... well no, I do not have regrets... I love my children, but I can say it's hard.... I often feel selfish and get irritated with their needs... and learning how to divide the attention between them all is something i'm still accomplishing.

I guess i'm the type of person who does makes a commitment first then deals with the challenge of learning how to actually fulfill it later. I knew I wanted 4 children to begin with... doesn't mean I always like it or that i'm the best at it... bit I made the choice and now I adjust to it.... and i'm even praying about/for a 5th though my husband has an appointment next week regarding a vasectomy LOL.... and as I was praying about it I even asked myself "why do I want another baby..... do I really want another baby..." Well, then I realized that that isn't even a question to me, because it's more about my faith and what I believe the Lord said to me.... I have one boy and three girls, the oldest is the boy.. and after I had my second child the lord spoke to me specifically about having another son... and then he confirmed it by speaking to my husband about the same thing the very next morning and so I expected my next baby to be a boy, and it wasn't, it was a girl, then I expected this last one for sure to be a boy, but it was a girl. The doctor encouraged me to have a tubal because it'd be risky for me to have another child not to mention the post partum emotional mood swings I have been having after my last two babies and the fact that it's stressful and caotic in our home most the time with all the babies and our general lack of maturity.... nevertheless... I firmly believe that it's a good thing... because I believe it's the desire that God gave me and I also believe that if he truly wants to bless my husband and I with that boy he spoke to us about a couple years ago then he'll protect my health and that of the babies and that it'll happen regardless of our plans to get fixed or not... so i'm leaving it completely up to God but if I do end up having another baby (and truly the thought exhausts me, truly.. being how I have a 3 month old right now) I will get my tubes tied regardless of the gender... but surely it's got to be a boy if it happens, and that's a big if, but I have faith in God's ultimate will, whatever that may be.

I guess I say all this as an encouragement to you. Because whether you agree with my way of thinking or being or not.... there is something to be said for it. Like there is so much more to life then the immediate things.. you see, when my husband thinks about having another child he automatically thinks about the immediate gramifications such as finances, the immediate stress... There is something to be said for that as well, but what he may not be immediately thinking of is the future blessing.. you know, the bible does say that children are a blessing and blessed is the man who's quiver is full of them. It says over and over that children are blessings... now i'm not presuming to tell you or anyone else for that matter what God's personal will is for your life... i'm not that narrow minded... but what I am saying is to consider that there is a reason that the bibles says that about children. Later on in life I can imagine being blessed by having so many children... that means that I'll have to go through the diaper stages and the messes and the noise and the financial strain... but that also means that I have more children to love and enjoy and cherish.... you get both the good and the bad.

And whatever God's will ends up being for our life as far as having another child is concerned... which i'm completely leaving the ball in his court like I did with the last two.... will be, whatever that may be..

But sometimes I think "what about that little boy that i might never know"... what if you never had your current child.... think about that... what you would have missed out on.. the cute little things that she says or does... the love that you feel and the responsibility that have.

What about this other child that the lord may want to bless you with. Sure you cannot help how you may feel. Think about Scott Bayo (if you ever watched the reality show) he dreaded the thought of having a baby and being a daddy until the very day his littel girl was born, and then when she was born he was in love.

In this situation I cannot help but try to consider how your wife is feeling because you can't go wrong with having another baby.... if you think about it in the right way.

You know your wife better then we all do.... but I can't help but think about my husband and myself.... he has a lot of thinking errors or excuses he uses to not give to me what I need such as "she is only pms'ing...." or "she just likes the baby stage" I wonder if that is a rationalization you are using to devalue the importance of her desire. Men sometimes talk themselves into or out of something in that way.... whereas it could be that God is using her desires to bless you with a child that would bless you for the rest of your life. Don't simply rationalize away the situation.... don't under estimate the power of your wife's possible God given desire.


If you want to be willing to have another baby.. then pray about it... pray that God's will will happen whether it's according to your desires or your spouse's and be willing to let the lord change your desire if that may be his will" Either way, have faith.
HB

 

[RedTulipMom]

OOOOOOOOOkay? So you're saying go ahead and have a child even though it's not in my heart to and jeapordize making the situation worse? OOOkay next response please!!

I stand by what i said. If you want to continue being selfish, thats your choice. Why not find out what God wants? Pray that God will change your heart? Do you really want to put your marriage in jeopardy? Your wife wants another baby, do you care at all about her feelings or only about your own? Do you want God's will for your life or only your own? In the end it's your choice. If you claim your not being selfish your deluding yourself, which you have every right to do i suppose. Sorry if you disagree with me, i gave my opinion, you don't have to agree with me.

 

[GolfingMom]

I stand by what i said. If you want to continue being selfish, thats your choice. Why not find out what God wants? Pray that God will change your heart? Do you really want to put your marriage in jeopardy? Your wife wants another baby, do you care at all about her feelings or only about your own? Do you want God's will for your life or only your own? In the end it's your choice. If you claim your not being selfish your deluding yourself, which you have every right to do i suppose. Sorry if you disagree with me, i gave my opinion, you don't have to agree with me.

Wow. Maybe BOTH he and his wife should pray about it. Not just him about changing HIS heart. Maybe it's a better idea that BOTH pray that BOTH their hearts line up with God's will.
I honestly don't think it's GOD'S will for EVERY family to have 8 or 9 or 15.
Guess I'm selfish.