Husband vs Parents :/

[belle89]

Needing some outside advice please! My husband and I have been married for a year now and we get along great, except about my parents. We have rented the house I grew up in from them since we got married and they give us a good rent rate and we keep the house up and do repairs if needed. They live 4 hours away, so us being here helps them out as well, since my dad does not want to sell it and does not want it standing empty. The only problem is that my parents (and my 2 younger siblings) will give us a day or two notice they are coming to stay with us at least once a month now and this makes my husband super upset. He is a police officer and works a lot of night shifts and when they come, he is unable to get the rest he needs with all the noise in the house. My dad gives us a list of things that need to be done around the house, which makes my husband even more frustrated...my grandpa is also very ill now and lives close to me so they have decided that they are going to stay with us whenever my dad is not working on the weekend to spend more time with my grandpa. I haven't told my husband yet because I know he is going to be very upset and I'm not sure if I have the right to tell my parents this is a problem since we are renting their house. I would be fine with moving out, but I know our rent or mortgage would be more than we are paying now..that said, I'm definitely willing to deal with paying more somewhere else but my dad is happy for us to be here and maintain the house since they live so far off. I feel trapped between trying to keep them both happy and trying to keep them on good terms with each other but I can tell the relationship is crumbling. I want my husband and family to get along but my husband hates being dropped in on for days at a time and we can't tell them no..my family can tell he is frustrated and thinks he does not like them..it's a difficult position Has anyone else dealt with something like this??

 

[Navari]

deleted

 

[belle89]

Thank you @Navari I thought it was a bit invasive too but wanted an outside opinion as to whether I would be wrong to say something to them or not

 

[LaSorcia]

I'm sure your parents don't mean to do anything wrong. You're their daughter and it probably just feels natural to carry on the way they have with you for all your life. That said, unfortunately, boundaries need to change once marriage takes place. Hopefully, everyone can talk this out before it turns into an argument. That would be sad.

 

[Odetta]

I do think your parents are being presumptuous, but in their defense, it's tough to figure out boundaries for all involved when a child gets married. The onus is on you and your husband to do that. You need to set boundaries now as you mean to go on. As you described your parents in your post, I don't see any red flags that they are toxic or anything, so there is probably a good chance you all can work something out if you approach them respectfully. Your first priority after God is to your husband now. I pray that the conversation goes well. And hang in there - this newly married/leaving parents thing is a tough transition.

 

[belle89]

My parents are so sweet and I think that's the hardest part about it :/ I definitely don't want to hurt their feelings or cause a strain in our relationship but my mom just told me they are coming again this weekend after they were here this past weekend too and I'm really not sure how to address it I know I need to establish boundaries but I have never had to do so before and I don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel like I don't want them around- on the same note, my husband is getting very frustrated with it and I'm stuck in the middle

 

[counJS]

I think it is totally appropriate for you to let them know you need more notice about when they are stopping by and stress that your husband needs his sleep so when he is asleep they will have to either do something somewhere else or be quiet. That is a tough job and you want him to be well rested.

 

[mkgal1]

I definitely don't want to hurt their feelings or cause a strain in our relationship but my mom just told me they are coming again this weekend after they were here this past weekend too and I'm really not sure how to address it

Yikes. It sounds as if there already *is* a strain from this as you know you're husband is (rightfully) frustrated. So your mom doesn't ask.....she announces they are all coming for the weekend? I think that maybe prior to the upcoming weekend you should maybe let your parents know that you'd like to discuss this (as someone else posted---to try to come up with a solution for the frustration it's causing---one that, hopefully, everyone can be happy with). Make sure that your parents don't hear this as "my husband isn't pleased with how things are going". This needs to be heard as something that's not working for the two of you as a couple---not just on him.

Since your grandfather lives near by---is there any reason why they can't stay with him (if he's okay with that)?

 

[mkgal1]

Something just occurred to me: You and your husband are paying rent, yet your parents & siblings are going to get use of the house a few weekends of the month. Is that fair (especially when you're being "told" when they're coming---not asked)? I'm not trying to incite anger in you.....but I wonder if that's something you could somehow bring up (b/c---during those times your family of origin is visiting....it's not really being treated as your home--even though you're paying for it to be).

 

[HannahT]

Sounds like you and your husband need a sit down discussion when they are there. If you can't agree on something? It maybe time for you two to find your own place.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I have had to set very intense boundaries about my home to my husband's family. I have learned that every family has different expectations for their home. My brother and his wife want my mom to just show up at the house whenever she wants, but my mom is uncomfortable doing that. My sister can't relax when she has guests over even family, so she has told my family we have to ask and if she says no, its just she can't handle the added stress of having another body in her home.

There is something about being a daughter that parents feel like they have more freedom to inject themselves. I see it with my husbands sisters all the time.

It seems your family is dictating to your husband how they are going to invade your home. Instead of asking you if it is ok. If they asked you would have the opportunity to say, when you guys come over it messes with his sleep, and his ability to rest between shifts. It disrupts our home. We need to come up with a better solution than you guys just coming over whenever you want. And open the floor for a discussion where you husband feels he is more of a priority. It might mean moving out, and if you express that to you family. They may begin to understand how invasive they are being.

I know its not easy, but we are called to leave our families and cleave to our husbands. Keeping your family happy is good, but keeping your husband's home is better.

It all needs to be based in the end on mutual respect, I guess. Sometimes it's there in abundance; with some ppl it needs to be learned by experience.

 

[turkle]

My parents are so sweet and I think that's the hardest part about it :/ I definitely don't want to hurt their feelings or cause a strain in our relationship but my mom just told me they are coming again this weekend after they were here this past weekend too and I'm really not sure how to address it I know I need to establish boundaries but I have never had to do so before and I don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel like I don't want them around- on the same note, my husband is getting very frustrated with it and I'm stuck in the middle

Your responsibility is to talk in love to your parents, but to also tell them what is and isn't acceptable in your home. If you are kind when you speak and your parents' feelings are hurt, that's on them. You need to care for your husband and his needs.

If after having a discussion your parents still feel entitled to show up whenever they want, then it's time to move out. That is a big possibility, since your parents might think that they should be able to do what they wish because you are getting a discount in rent. You will have to be prepared for the possibility of making a hard choice.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Just a few thoughts. You and your husband need autonomy. You especially. It doesn't appear the house will be "sitting empty" if your parents are coming that frequently now. Also, if you are paying rent, it's your dwelling, even though your parents are the owners. Do you have an agreement to "do the things that need to be done around the house", like repairs in exchange for lower rent? If not, I can understand doing some upkeep of the house, but it's really the responsibility of your parents to do that.

Be with your husband. Let your parents use where you are now as a second home. If they want renters, maybe they can sublet part of the home so they have use of it as well when they come. AirBNB might be another option for them.

 

[Krissy Cakes]

I don't like my in laws as much as my husbands likes his. He almost always take their sides and it drives me NUTS! There are times where I really hate his mom. We get into a lot. I like his father more. Hes a pastor and is more understanding.

 

[HondaMan]

That's too much visiting from their side. When one works so much, he or she needs a good weekend to rest. I work full time and I'm in school too. Doesn't matter how much I love my family, I wouldn't want them coming over every weekend or so.Your husband is a cop, he needs peace and quiet sometimes. You're married to him now, not your parents.

 

[citizenthom]

The Biblical answer is pretty clear here: you side with your husband and his decisions no matter what, and prioritize your new family over your parents. Leave and cleave.

However, as an attorney and a landowner myself, let me explain in economic terms what your parents are doing. In a normal rental context it is the OWNERS' job to maintain the premises, and the renters have rights against the owner's ability to access the property. Your parents are not even treating your family equal to normal renters. This may be costing you less but bluntly it is saving them a ton of money and, concerning the staying in the home, allowing them great convenience not available to good-faith homeowners.

A home of your own, whether owned via mortgage or rented under neutral terms, is worth the extra money, both for your marriage and for your harmony with your extended family. Be willing to follow your husband into new accommodations even if it creates some financial strife. It will be much better than the existing strife.

 

[mkgal1]

This may be costing you less but bluntly it is saving them a ton of money and, concerning the staying in the home, allowing them great convenience not available to good-faith homeowners.

A home of your own, whether owned via mortgage or rented under neutral terms, is worth the extra money, both for your marriage and for your harmony with your extended family.

Well said.