Husband had emotional affair

[NeedyFollower]

If he's actually got a physical relationship going with the other woman, then leave because he's unfaithful and won't stop...nothing selfish about that.

I agree you should not do anything hasty at the moment, especially since we don't know for certain if there has been anything physical going on. However, I agree with the poster that feels that is a very real possibility, and if so, you need to eventually make some major moves here.

Counseling is a good plan, and if you can, I'd go so far as hiring a private investigator to find out for certain what's going on, then you'll know better how to deal with it. Forgiveness is fine, but if this guy isn't going to stop, forget it, this will end up making a mess out of you, if something isn't done.

Also know that, as mentioned, we aren't to remarry after divorce. Is there forgiveness for that or is doing so a perpetual sin unto death? I don't know, but something you need to consider. And I know that makes it even worse...you're in a terrible position here, and shame on him, and her for putting you in that position.

I'm so sorry.

Hi Kenny's ID ..I just wanted to reiterate that the physical relationship is under the old covenant . He has already broken the law of the new covenant . Yes , shame on him but we don't fight against flesh and blood. One point to all married couples to consider...if Christ returned tomorrow, you are all married to your sister ( or brother if a woman . ) Christ said in the resurrection , there is neither marrying nor giving in marriage but we will all be like unto the angels ...we will ALL be brothers and sisters ( as we are now ) . No need for reproduction ..no lust so therefore no jealousy over "ownership" ..no need for companionship as will be in the presence of the Lamb and the Father.

 

[J's Husband]

My husband talked to another woman who was his coworker for over three years. I caught him 3 times each time he went back to talking to her. After he promised he would never talk to her again. I tried to work things out between us. I would try and try and he would ignore me. This last time he told me he loved her and wanted her. I begged and cried . He wanted her and this fantasy life she told him they would have. One of his co workers told me that this lady also tried to message him at the same time she was talking to my husband. I told my husband what I knew about her now he wants me. I don't know what to do. I have prayed for over 3 years about this and have given it over to God. I have received no answer that I know of. Should I take him back again? Could you live with someone knowing you are second choice? Help please! This is killing me.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Especially in this way. I, like all others who have commented, will assure you that God is not happy with your husband's unfaithfulness. That being said, I'll get to the heart of the matter and try to be as brief as possible. I know that you love your husband, don't question that, you've waited 3 years for reconciliation. You have prayed, sometimes this is painful, especially when God doesn't give you an obvious and clear answer right away, or when we can't discern his answers. God is a God of reconciliation. He want's all marriages to work. He was in Christ reconciling this unfaithful, deceitful, evil world to Himself. Why? Because He loves us that much. Did/do we deserve it? No! Did/do we deserve the sacrifice of His Son? No! Why did He do it? Because He loves us that much. Should you take your husband back? Yes. Why? Well, you love him that much...also, you said "...now he wants me." You are angry and you should be. Could I live with someone knowing I'm a second choice? I would give my heart right now if my wife would come back to our home and consider me any choice worthy of moving forward into the future with. The only pain worse than the pain you now feel is the pain you've not yet felt...don't invite unknown levels of pain unless it's absolutely necessary.

A couple things for you to think about and appreciate...your husband, with all of his flaws...is still there with you. If he was building a relationship with this woman for 3 years, that may not be the case. If he was, another thing to consider is that he loves you and didn't find her a reason to leave you. There's something about you that is keeping your man as your husband. Learn more about those things. Second: You have the power. You are the wife...he doesn't want to lose you, and she can't replace you. If she could, she would have after 3 years. Use your power: demand counseling, go direct with the other woman (electronically or via phone or postal service, all 3 methods if necessary, only not face to face). Tell her of your love for your husband; tell her of the pain that she has caused; tell her that you'll never leave him (she doesn't need to know whether you will or not); if you have children tell her she's hurting your kids; tell her that she is the only problem in your happy marriage; demand that she ceases and desists from contacting your husband informally ever again. Tell your husband how much he hurt you...give him details (think on it, pray on it, and formulate your words to fully expose your pain to him, with every and all suspicions...then tell him how you felt about him for doing what he did; tell him what you have imagined that he did..then forgive him...genuinely and completely forgive him, and tell him that you've scheduled counseling with whatever Christian counselor that your pastor would recommend or with your pastor if he does that.) Let him know that you want boundaries, then work with him to establish written boundaries for your interactions with the opposite sex. It would help if you had something in writing when you talk to him so that he can add to it. Let there be no confrontations at that time. He doesn't seem to want to leave his marriage, so do all you can to give him a path to restoration and reconciliation. Someone below said something about an accountability partner...excellent idea.

I pray that God heals your marriage...it is the most precious gift after His Son, so please do all you can to repair and retain it.

 

[Kenny'sID]

Hi Kenny's ID ..I just wanted to reiterate that the physical relationship is under the old covenant . He has already broken the law of the new covenant .

But is that enough for grounds for divorce? As far as I know, what goes on in our mind is not.

Though some of the advice here is good, and I hope it helps, but in the end, it's abiout what you think best, WFA. You are the one dealing with this, and you are the one affected by it, so you, along with what is biblical, need to decide when enough is enough.

You have to live with the ongoing anxiety, as well as the results of any decision, and it already sounds like you're not going to make any rash decisions, but there may come a time where making no decision may be too rash a decision. Not rushing anything just saying be as good to yourself throughput this as you possibly can.

If you mentioned it, I missed it, but have you mentioned divorce or separation to him yet? If so, how did he react? Also, have you two talked about him working elsewhere, if that's even possible?

 

[Waiting for answers]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Especially in this way. I, like all others who have commented, will assure you that God is not happy with your husband's unfaithfulness. That being said, I'll get to the heart of the matter and try to be as brief as possible. I know that you love your husband, don't question that, you've waited 3 years for reconciliation. You have prayed, sometimes this is painful, especially when God doesn't give you an obvious and clear answer right away, or when we can't discern his answers. God is a God of reconciliation. He want's all marriages to work. He was in Christ reconciling this unfaithful, deceitful, evil world to Himself. Why? Because He loves us that much. Did/do we deserve it? No! Did/do we deserve the sacrifice of His Son? No! Why did He do it? Because He loves us that much. Should you take your husband back? Yes. Why? Well, you love him that much...also, you said "...now he wants me." You are angry and you should be. Could I live with someone knowing I'm a second choice? I would give my heart right now if my wife would come back to our home and consider me any choice worthy of moving forward into the future with. The only pain worse than the pain you now feel is the pain you've not yet felt...don't invite unknown levels of pain unless it's absolutely necessary.

A couple things for you to think about and appreciate...your husband, with all of his flaws...is still there with you. If he was building a relationship with this woman for 3 years, that may not be the case. If he was, another thing to consider is that he loves you and didn't find her a reason to leave you. There's something about you that is keeping your man as your husband. Learn more about those things. Second: You have the power. You are the wife...he doesn't want to lose you, and she can't replace you. If she could, she would have after 3 years. Use your power: demand counseling, go direct with the other woman (electronically or via phone or postal service, all 3 methods if necessary, only not face to face). Tell her of your love for your husband; tell her of the pain that she has caused; tell her that you'll never leave him (she doesn't need to know whether you will or not); if you have children tell her she's hurting your kids; tell her that she is the only problem in your happy marriage; demand that she ceases and desists from contacting your husband informally ever again. Tell your husband how much he hurt you...give him details (think on it, pray on it, and formulate your words to fully expose your pain to him, with every and all suspicions...then tell him how you felt about him for doing what he did; tell him what you have imagined that he did..then forgive him...genuinely and completely forgive him, and tell him that you've scheduled counseling with whatever Christian counselor that your pastor would recommend or with your pastor if he does that.) Let him know that you want boundaries, then work with him to establish written boundaries for your interactions with the opposite sex. It would help if you had something in writing when you talk to him so that he can add to it. Let there be no confrontations at that time. He doesn't seem to want to leave his marriage, so do all you can to give him a path to restoration and reconciliation. Someone below said something about an accountability partner...excellent idea.

I pray that God heals your marriage...it is the most precious gift after His Son, so please do all you can to repair and retain it.

I confronted her all three times I caught them and told her about the pain,kids, love and etc.. she said I won't talk to him then messages him days later. He did build a relationship with her. In the messages he was telling her how he loved her and didn't care about me. They were making plans for him to leave me.

 

[Waiting for answers]

But is that enough for grounds for divorce? As far as I know, what goes on in our mind is not.

Though some of the advice here is good, and I hope it helps, but in the end, it's abiout what you think best, WFA. You are the one dealing with this, and you are the one affected by it, so you, along with what is biblical, need to decide when enough is enough.

You have to live with the ongoing anxiety, as well as the results of any decision, and it already sounds like you're not going to make any rash decisions, but there may come a time where making no decision may be too rash a decision. Not rushing anything just saying be as good to yourself throughput this as you possibly can.

If you mentioned it, I missed it, but have you mentioned divorce or separation to him yet? If so, how did he react? Also, have you two talked about him working elsewhere, if that's even possible?

Every time I caught him I gave him the chance to leave and he said no. She already left the job after the second time I caught them. Not working together hasn't stopped them.

 

[J's Husband]

I confronted her all three times I caught them and told her about the pain,kids, love and etc.. she said I won't talk to him then messages him days later. He did build a relationship with her. In the messages he was telling her how he loved her and didn't care about me. They were making plans for him to leave me.

You have some decisions to make before you proceed with any action. You need to pray and ask God to guide you. Without question, God is on your side. You don't deserve this treatment, it is betrayal and beyond explanation. Exclude her and focus on him. This is all him. He's married, has a responsibility to honor his marriage, his vows, his children, you and his God, and all who love you guys as a couple. You need to decide if you want this marriage. If you do, you should be prepared for the long road to restoration. I personally think that as long as he hasn't blatantly flaunted this relationship in your face that there's room for reconciliation. God is a God of reconciliation and restoration. That's the entire message of the gospel. It's always one person sacrificing for the good of many. You will bear, and have been bearing, the pain of your relationship. If he's a good father, a good friend, in spite of being a sucky husband, then pray for him, and insist on counseling and transparency.

If you do decide to move forward, you should ask for access to all of his social media accounts, email accounts, phones, tablets, pc, and laptop. He needs your help to break that connection and recover from that addiction to the pheromones and dopamine. Transparency and accountability is the best way to hold him accountable. There should be days, unannounced that you switch phones for the day when he goes to work. This is a lot of work, but I'll assure you, your marriage is worth it if you decide to keep it, and I would encourage you to, especially since there doesn't appear to be any violence or abuse of any kind. If he doesn't comply, you may want to pray about whether it's in your best interest to stay in the marriage. If he does, the next step would be to have him type out apology letters to the young lady, or ladies (based on your discoveries when viewing his social media connections) voicing his commitment to you, his marriage, children, and God and advising her to never make contact with him again, etc. You should approve these and send them yourself. You should close all of his social media accounts and create one for both you guys and refriend those of your choice that are on his old accounts. All his social media connections should be approved by you; you should have complete control/access to every part of his life and vice/versa. I know this sounds extreme, but nothing is as extreme and permanent as divorce. This will actually remove the walls and bring you guys closer than you've ever been. You'll grow past this and into a new life of open communication and deep intimate connections.

You are worth more than he's giving you. You've given your life to him and he owes his life to you and both of you owe the best shot you have to your kids and all who love you. For some reason people don't consider the pain of people who love them, the families that idolize them, the children's pain of dealing with being a statistic as they talk to their friends who have complete households. But you are worth it...some who love you may say you deserve better, and they may be right, but what you don't deserve is the pain of leaving your husband; the pain of divorce, division of marital property, custody fights, visitation arrangements, arguments over child support and/or spousal support, division of assets, etc.

There are demons that come alive during divorce that sew discord that could damage your friendship forever. One of the reasons God hates it. These demons specialize at making the most of those vulnerable in divorce, especially the kids. It's unpredictable, and it takes a lot of prayer and preparation to have a peaceful divorce, these are very rare. Believe me, you may deserve better than him, but you also deserve better than the experience of divorce; so does your children.

Love your husband, forgive him (either way, whether you keep him or free him, forgive him) if you don't forgive him you will be the one suffering, not him. Forgiving him frees you. Be completely open with him and require the same from him. I'll keep you guys in my prayers, especially you. You have a lot of decisions to make. Your decisions should be focusing on permanence...getting things set for a permanent future. Accept nothing that you can't live with forever...accept nothing that distroyed your marriage, from you or him. Take responsibility for your role, admit it, repent of it, and move on. God's richest blessings be upon you and your family.

 

[singpraise]

You have some decisions to make before you proceed with any action. You need to pray and ask God to guide you. Without question, God is on your side. You don't deserve this treatment, it is betrayal and beyond explanation. Exclude her and focus on him. This is all him. He's married, has a responsibility to honor his marriage, his vows, his children, you and his God, and all who love you guys as a couple. You need to decide if you want this marriage. If you do, you should be prepared for the long road to restoration. I personally think that as long as he hasn't blatantly flaunted this relationship in your face that there's room for reconciliation. God is a God of reconciliation and restoration. That's the entire message of the gospel. It's always one person sacrificing for the good of many. You will bear, and have been bearing, the pain of your relationship. If he's a good father, a good friend, in spite of being a sucky husband, then pray for him, and insist on counseling and transparency.

If you do decide to move forward, you should ask for access to all of his social media accounts, email accounts, phones, tablets, pc, and laptop. He needs your help to break that connection and recover from that addiction to the pheromones and dopamine. Transparency and accountability is the best way to hold him accountable. There should be days, unannounced that you switch phones for the day when he goes to work. This is a lot of work, but I'll assure you, your marriage is worth it if you decide to keep it, and I would encourage you to, especially since there doesn't appear to be any violence or abuse of any kind. If he doesn't comply, you may want to pray about whether it's in your best interest to stay in the marriage. If he does, the next step would be to have him type out apology letters to the young lady, or ladies (based on your discoveries when viewing his social media connections) voicing his commitment to you, his marriage, children, and God and advising her to never make contact with him again, etc. You should approve these and send them yourself. You should close all of his social media accounts and create one for both you guys and refriend those of your choice that are on his old accounts. All his social media connections should be approved by you; you should have complete control/access to every part of his life and vice/versa. I know this sounds extreme, but nothing is as extreme and permanent as divorce. This will actually remove the walls and bring you guys closer than you've ever been. You'll grow past this and into a new life of open communication and deep intimate connections.

You are worth more than he's giving you. You've given your life to him and he owes his life to you and both of you owe the best shot you have to your kids and all who love you. For some reason people don't consider the pain of people who love them, the families that idolize them, the children's pain of dealing with being a statistic as they talk to their friends who have complete households. But you are worth it...some who love you may say you deserve better, and they may be right, but what you don't deserve is the pain of leaving your husband; the pain of divorce, division of marital property, custody fights, visitation arrangements, arguments over child support and/or spousal support, division of assets, etc.

There are demons that come alive during divorce that sew discord that could damage your friendship forever. One of the reasons God hates it. These demons specialize at making the most of those vulnerable in divorce, especially the kids. It's unpredictable, and it takes a lot of prayer and preparation to have a peaceful divorce, these are very rare. Believe me, you may deserve better than him, but you also deserve better than the experience of divorce; so does your children.

Love your husband, forgive him (either way, whether you keep him or free him, forgive him) if you don't forgive him you will be the one suffering, not him. Forgiving him frees you. Be completely open with him and require the same from him. I'll keep you guys in my prayers, especially you. You have a lot of decisions to make. Your decisions should be focusing on permanence...getting things set for a permanent future. Accept nothing that you can't live with forever...accept nothing that distroyed your marriage, from you or him. Take responsibility for your role, admit it, repent of it, and move on. God's richest blessings be upon you and your family.

This is a wonderful and amazing post. I have been divorced and everything you say is true. It's worse than death but it's also a mercy. It is to be avoided at all costs if at all possible, especially if there are children involved. In my case I had no choice but to divorce. And I am now blessed with a happy marriage. I was lucky, in the long run. God was merciful to me, a sinner, and I'm grateful every day. But this post has so much wisdom.

I just wanted to say that I hope the OP takes your wonderful words to heart and may there be many blessings upon you for sharing this.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

..

 

[akmom]

When explaining to the Jews who apparently hopped into and out of marriages for any reason , Jesus said except it be for fornication ..in other words , during the one year betrothal before the wedding night she were a fornicator ( she could not yet be an adulteress ) he could grant a divorce .

That is a very interesting interpretation. I don't want to derail the thread, but was Christ actually only referring to fornication as being during the betrothal period? That would kind of make sense, if the marriage hadn't been consummated, then they might as well "divorce" and allow her to marry the other guy. After all, Hosea did not divorce his wife Gomer for infidelity. Perhaps this "exception" did not actually apply to married couples, only betrothed. It's sometimes hard to understand intent of scripture when one does not share the cultural contexts under which it was taught. His audience would have understood what he meant, but readers with different languages and cultures two millennia later may not.

 

[Dave-W]

When explaining to the Jews who apparently hopped into and out of marriages for any reason , Jesus said except it be for fornication ..in other words , during the one year betrothal before the wedding night she were a fornicator ( she could not yet be an adulteress ) he could grant a divorce .

That is superimposing a modern cultural understanding on an ancient conversation. It is more complex than that.

First off, you need to realize that there were 2 major parties of Pharisees who disagreed on almost everything. They were graduates of 2 schools in Jerusalem started by rabbis Hillel and Shammai in the first century bc. The question of "can you divorce your wife for any reason" was a matter of public debate. It was based on Deut 24.1: When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency [Heb ervah] in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house.

The debate was over the exact meaning of ervah - rendered here "indecency." Shammai was very strict in his interpretation, meaning that if he found her to not be a virgin on their wedding night. Hillel was much broader in his understanding, meaning anything that was a constant irritant; which the Shammai school grads caricatured as "for any reason."

In the NT greek, Our Lord was quoted as saying "pornia." this is usually rendered fornication which means premarital sex. But that was NOT how that word was used, either in standard Greek conversation or in the Greek speaking Jewish communities. In the latter, it was used to describe anything that violated the OT sexual regulations.

 

[Dave-W]

I don't want to derail the thread, but was Christ actually only referring to fornication as being during the betrothal period? That would kind of make sense, if the marriage hadn't been consummated, then they might as well "divorce" and allow her to marry the other guy.

Please read the prior post.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

In the end, if you're looking for Biblical support, you can find any way to justify what you'd like to do based on how you interpret the Bible and at least 100 people to back you up and tell you that Bibically, you're sound.

The questions that really need to be asked is what you genuinely believe, what you're willing to put up with in the marriage, what you're willing to put up with to leave it, and what you want your life to look like in general, if you stay, and if you go. Only you can answer those questions.

Personally, I think it's clear this relationship will persist, so you can choose to be a warden to a prisoner who will always get away, you can choose to ignore it and fashion a life knowing that this is going on and that you ignore it and wonder when/if the day is coming that she'll simply leave you, or you can decide it's enough and make plans to leave. I'd think of the answers to the above questions in the context of those realities. People have made a go of it all three ways with mixed successes. It's just up to you to decide which mixed success you want for yourself.

 

[NeedyFollower]

That is superimposing a modern cultural understanding on an ancient conversation. It is more complex than that.

First off, you need to realize that there were 2 major parties of Pharisees who disagreed on almost everything. They were graduates of 2 schools in Jerusalem started by rabbis Hillel and Shammai in the first century bc. The question of "can you divorce your wife for any reason" was a matter of public debate. It was based on Deut 24.1: When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency [Heb ervah] in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house.

The debate was over the exact meaning of ervah - rendered here "indecency." Shammai was very strict in his interpretation, meaning that if he found her to not be a virgin on their wedding night. Hillel was much broader in his understanding, meaning anything that was a constant irritant; which the Shammai school grads caricatured as "for any reason."

In the NT greek, Our Lord was quoted as saying "pornia." this is usually rendered fornication which means premarital sex. But that was NOT how that word was used, either in standard Greek conversation or in the Greek speaking Jewish communities. In the latter, it was used to describe anything that violated the OT sexual regulations.

I often wonder at the exclamation of the disciples in light of Jesus' teachings on remarriage after a potential divorce ( it is better for a man not to marry. ) I believe the case can be made that Jesus' whole purpose/existence was the Kingdom of God and His Christ , as was Paul's ( For me to live is Christ and to die is gain. ) Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of Christ. It is not I who live but Christ in me , etc. That is why he recognized that it is easier to serve God as single but that was not everyone's gift ..How may of us truly got married with the purpose of doing a more profitable service to God and in the name of Christ ? Did we not get married because that is "what you do "? Now we find that the "magic" is gone ...life , kids , careers , etc. have replaced Christ ..then someone cheats either physically or emotionally . Let us stone them ....how about if they were taken in the very act ? How many of us are saved by our own grace ? How many stand perfect before God and need not Christ ? If I loved my cheating spouse in a "Godly" fashion , I would be concerned for their very soul ...not what they did to me . It is not fair for them to do this nor is it right . Nor is it fair for God to have mercy on me but yet He has . But as David ( of David and Bathsheba fame )came to realize , he is not cheating on you but on GOD. We make marriage about us ..it is not ..It is about God. That is why everyone hops in and out of marriage making us no different than the world..the world is about themselves ...so are we .." God wants me to be happy " ..no God wants you to represent Him to a lost and dying world. My hope is for the testimony of Christ and as a demonstration of God's long suffering and mercy , especially if you have children, you will pray for him .