Hi there, I'm very new to CF. I was looking for a place where I could safely discuss the problems currently occurring in my marriage. I'm unsure of what I should do other than pray at this point.
Here is some background: Been together since we were 16 and 17. He joined the Navy at his fathers insistence after having the regular college freshman jump around where he didn't know what he wanted to do when he grew up. I didn't like it but that's what he decided. We got engaged. He left. He wanted to get married that year, after attempting to tell our parents this idea things went a bit sour.
We worked through the problems and got married 3 years later (21 & 22) after I finished college(long distance relationship for those 3 years). We had our first year adjusting, then the sea trials and back to back deployments started. This was for 3 years. I was the Navy wife at home holding down the fort. I miscarried during the 2nd year when he was on his 1st deployment during that time. It was devastating.
He has been back home now for 2 years. For the last year and a half we have had to deal with many changes. He changed ships, we started a business and he joined a motorcycle club. Things have been shaky. He started closing me out after some time.
He was made LPO (Leading Petty Officer) for his plant on the new ship and he loved it, at first. He told his chain of command that it was too much (he had started having anxiety and panic attacks) and since then he's been treated like dog poop. They saw it as a weakness and that he didn't care about his career. Work has been extremely stressful for him ever since. I could have also done more on the homefront (cleaning and cooking more). I would have silent strikes when I was frustrated because after I'd clean it was messy again...I could have done better.
When we started the business I thought that I would be the primary on that side because he had the Navy and I hadn't been working for about 5 months at the time. He would put me down in front of others and I started backing away a bit. Then he got busier at work and expected me to step up, but at that point it didn't fully feel like it was mine. I now think of it this way but it has taken me some time. Our business has not had the success that he was hoping it would by this point and he blames me I believe. (I did have plenty to contribute to it's slow go, I could have done more.) But we stuck with it.
Then there is the motorcycle club. It's an all male club. This is the first time he's ever been interested in anything like this, I didn't know much but I didn't want to be the wife who tells her husband he can't do something that he would enjoy. As he learned more of what it entailed he never really sat down with me to discuss how things were and I only learned from the little bit that I heard from other wives and when he decided to share something that annoyed him. So almost everything I learned sounded negative and honestly a little scary to me. That being said almost any time I said something it was probably negative. The only defense I have to this is that I worried for my husband and didn't want to see him hurt or getting into things that could cause him trouble. Even through all of this I did try to show my support to him. Whenever there wasn't anything business related or if I was told with enough time I made sure to be at any event that I could be at.
I hadn't realized just how bad things had gotten from his POV until 3 weeks ago. On Monday, October 27th was the memorial service of one of the Navy guys who worked with my husband. (He commited suicide earlier in the month.) We went to that and in the evening they had a bbq with the his family. On the way to the bbq he started telling me about some issues in the club, I spoke up and told him that it worried me to hear it (it was a money issue, some of the guys are constantly borrowing money from others). I should have just kept my mouth closed. He jumped down my throat and told me that everything that comes out of my mouth was negative. I got angry and lashed out, I told him that I was done with the Motorcycle club. I didn't care if he told me anything about it anymore. I was so angry, but I regretted saying it later when I thought about it.
I didn't get the chance to apologize because the very next day he packed bags and said he was staying at a friends house. He gave random reasons from the cleanliness of the house, I spoke to him as a child at times, I only considered the house mine...some of these things were the very first time I was hearing it.
It was a very difficult week for me. We were civil.
We finally really spoke the following Monday. I was relieved. We hit some of the issues that really needed to be discussed from the business, the motorcycle club and the ways in which I spoke. I honestly felt so much better about his club after that conversation. It was an amazing step in the right direction. I thought we were finally really working on our issues.
Last Wednesday he had a memorial for a member of the club from California who had been taken off of life support. I believed it was a member only thing and I had a late night in the office so I told him to be careful and I'd see him later. I got home at about 10:30 and let him know I was home. At 11:45 he said he would be heading home soon. He didn't get in until after 5. I couldn't sleep and was so worried. He hadn't messaged me since 1 in the morning when he said he was still hanging out. He had gotten drunk and the guys let him sleep it off. When he walked in the door I couldn't really speak to him because it only caused me to cry. I told him we would speak that evening after I'd calmed down. I took my time getting back home. Found out he spent the day after work with his motorcycle friends again.
When I came home I asked him about his priorities. He couldn't answer. The conversation ended with him telling me he was done pretending and didn't see any point in trying to work on our marriage. I spent the night at a friends house, it was a married couple. I didn't want to go to anyone single who could fill my head with things I didn't need to hear.
I went home the next day after spending the night thinking, praying and talking to my friend with hope in my heart. When I saw him I told him that he may not think it's worth it anymore, but I also made a promise the day that we got married. I was going to fight for our marriage even if I was alone in my fight for the time being. He left the house to spend the day with his friends.
That was on Friday. That night I got into a car accident and when I called he didn't answer. I texted him and told him that I needed him, and the car was hit. He told me to take care of it. Then later added on at least you're ok. When I asked him the next morning when he came home to get ready for work why he hadn't come, he said that he thought I made it up. When he came home that night to pack up more of his things he told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore, our goals weren't the same.
On Sunday he asked me to take care of the legal side of things. This was after he started crying and said it was a difficult question to ask. I have been in constant prayer since all of this has been happening and the Lord helped me to answer calmly by telling him that this was his decision. If he is willing to talk to someone and go into some counseling I would be more helpful on my end but until then I still don't understand what is happening.
He's already started talking to the Navy lawyer.
I'm so lost on how to even proceed anymore. It feels like a high speed train that I can't get off of.
Could this really be the end? What could have him moving so quickly with this process? I have no clue how this even works.
I'm so sorry for how long this is, I feel like I have literally thrown up all over you guys, but I just don't understand how this is even happening right now.
I ask for prayers and advice.
Here is some background: Been together since we were 16 and 17. He joined the Navy at his fathers insistence after having the regular college freshman jump around where he didn't know what he wanted to do when he grew up. I didn't like it but that's what he decided. We got engaged. He left. He wanted to get married that year, after attempting to tell our parents this idea things went a bit sour.
We worked through the problems and got married 3 years later (21 & 22) after I finished college(long distance relationship for those 3 years). We had our first year adjusting, then the sea trials and back to back deployments started. This was for 3 years. I was the Navy wife at home holding down the fort. I miscarried during the 2nd year when he was on his 1st deployment during that time. It was devastating.
He has been back home now for 2 years. For the last year and a half we have had to deal with many changes. He changed ships, we started a business and he joined a motorcycle club. Things have been shaky. He started closing me out after some time.
He was made LPO (Leading Petty Officer) for his plant on the new ship and he loved it, at first. He told his chain of command that it was too much (he had started having anxiety and panic attacks) and since then he's been treated like dog poop. They saw it as a weakness and that he didn't care about his career. Work has been extremely stressful for him ever since. I could have also done more on the homefront (cleaning and cooking more). I would have silent strikes when I was frustrated because after I'd clean it was messy again...I could have done better.
When we started the business I thought that I would be the primary on that side because he had the Navy and I hadn't been working for about 5 months at the time. He would put me down in front of others and I started backing away a bit. Then he got busier at work and expected me to step up, but at that point it didn't fully feel like it was mine. I now think of it this way but it has taken me some time. Our business has not had the success that he was hoping it would by this point and he blames me I believe. (I did have plenty to contribute to it's slow go, I could have done more.) But we stuck with it.
Then there is the motorcycle club. It's an all male club. This is the first time he's ever been interested in anything like this, I didn't know much but I didn't want to be the wife who tells her husband he can't do something that he would enjoy. As he learned more of what it entailed he never really sat down with me to discuss how things were and I only learned from the little bit that I heard from other wives and when he decided to share something that annoyed him. So almost everything I learned sounded negative and honestly a little scary to me. That being said almost any time I said something it was probably negative. The only defense I have to this is that I worried for my husband and didn't want to see him hurt or getting into things that could cause him trouble. Even through all of this I did try to show my support to him. Whenever there wasn't anything business related or if I was told with enough time I made sure to be at any event that I could be at.
I hadn't realized just how bad things had gotten from his POV until 3 weeks ago. On Monday, October 27th was the memorial service of one of the Navy guys who worked with my husband. (He commited suicide earlier in the month.) We went to that and in the evening they had a bbq with the his family. On the way to the bbq he started telling me about some issues in the club, I spoke up and told him that it worried me to hear it (it was a money issue, some of the guys are constantly borrowing money from others). I should have just kept my mouth closed. He jumped down my throat and told me that everything that comes out of my mouth was negative. I got angry and lashed out, I told him that I was done with the Motorcycle club. I didn't care if he told me anything about it anymore. I was so angry, but I regretted saying it later when I thought about it.
I didn't get the chance to apologize because the very next day he packed bags and said he was staying at a friends house. He gave random reasons from the cleanliness of the house, I spoke to him as a child at times, I only considered the house mine...some of these things were the very first time I was hearing it.
It was a very difficult week for me. We were civil.
We finally really spoke the following Monday. I was relieved. We hit some of the issues that really needed to be discussed from the business, the motorcycle club and the ways in which I spoke. I honestly felt so much better about his club after that conversation. It was an amazing step in the right direction. I thought we were finally really working on our issues.
Last Wednesday he had a memorial for a member of the club from California who had been taken off of life support. I believed it was a member only thing and I had a late night in the office so I told him to be careful and I'd see him later. I got home at about 10:30 and let him know I was home. At 11:45 he said he would be heading home soon. He didn't get in until after 5. I couldn't sleep and was so worried. He hadn't messaged me since 1 in the morning when he said he was still hanging out. He had gotten drunk and the guys let him sleep it off. When he walked in the door I couldn't really speak to him because it only caused me to cry. I told him we would speak that evening after I'd calmed down. I took my time getting back home. Found out he spent the day after work with his motorcycle friends again.
When I came home I asked him about his priorities. He couldn't answer. The conversation ended with him telling me he was done pretending and didn't see any point in trying to work on our marriage. I spent the night at a friends house, it was a married couple. I didn't want to go to anyone single who could fill my head with things I didn't need to hear.
I went home the next day after spending the night thinking, praying and talking to my friend with hope in my heart. When I saw him I told him that he may not think it's worth it anymore, but I also made a promise the day that we got married. I was going to fight for our marriage even if I was alone in my fight for the time being. He left the house to spend the day with his friends.
That was on Friday. That night I got into a car accident and when I called he didn't answer. I texted him and told him that I needed him, and the car was hit. He told me to take care of it. Then later added on at least you're ok. When I asked him the next morning when he came home to get ready for work why he hadn't come, he said that he thought I made it up. When he came home that night to pack up more of his things he told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore, our goals weren't the same.
On Sunday he asked me to take care of the legal side of things. This was after he started crying and said it was a difficult question to ask. I have been in constant prayer since all of this has been happening and the Lord helped me to answer calmly by telling him that this was his decision. If he is willing to talk to someone and go into some counseling I would be more helpful on my end but until then I still don't understand what is happening.
He's already started talking to the Navy lawyer.
I'm so lost on how to even proceed anymore. It feels like a high speed train that I can't get off of.
Could this really be the end? What could have him moving so quickly with this process? I have no clue how this even works.
I'm so sorry for how long this is, I feel like I have literally thrown up all over you guys, but I just don't understand how this is even happening right now.
I ask for prayers and advice.
and maybe get help from a 3rd party in regards to the business. 
