How to deal with grown step-children

[c1ners]

HELP!........

My daughter is getting married this weekend, and my husband invited his two daughters and their families to stay with us. They aren't very nice, and treat me like trash. I don't want to be upset for my daughters wedding, but they are making life impossible! I don't even want to go home.

 

[Avaya]

Can you stay with your daughter during this time - or does she live with you?

 

[c1ners]

She moved back in with me until after the wedding.
Thanks anyhow.

 

[jusluvm]

I'm so sorry he did that to you! I don't know about your husband, but mine just doesn't have a clue sometimes.

I don't have step-children, not divorced either, but I am a step-child and a mother to a grown daughter. As a step-child, I can't imagine even taking up an offer to visit at a time like this.

Just remember that this time is for you and your daughter---together. I know what I'd do, but I don't know if it's the right thing. I'd let husband take care of his children for the weekend and I'd take care of mine. After the wedding is over and my daughter is gone, then I'd (possibly) have time to be hospitable to these other guests.

And don't let them steal your peace! Our peace is from our Father, and we should be good stewards of that peace and guard it against all opposition.


**********************
Uh oh, I just read the "announcement" at the top of this forum and found out I'm not supposed to be posting here. I'm sorry. I just saw the title about "grown step-children" and jumped right in. Won't happen again. (I'm sneaking out now.)

 

[c1ners]

Well the wedding is over, and everybody is back in their own homes. Thank goodness.

It was very difficult, but it's over!

A couple questions though.

1.How do I get my step daughters to stop hating me? I don't know why they hate me so much. I've never done anything to either one of them. They've never liked me, and over the years their "not like" has turned into out and out "hate". The oldest one is not as bad as the youngest. They disrespect everything that I say and do. NOTHING I do is ever good enough, and they aren't shy about letting me know it. At the wedding they even talked my own daughter into thinking that I was doing her wrong. I would never do anything to hurt my own children. Never! And it hurt me badly to know that they made my daughter mad at me (for something I didn't even do) on one of the most important days of her life. I just wanted to cry through the whole wedding.

2. How can I get my husband to see that it isn't me who is always trying to start trouble? They take my every word out of context and than go tell their father something totally different than what I actually said. Sometimes what they say is an out and out lie, but it is always them who he believes. I don't understand why he can't see this. He allows them to talk and treat me so badly. He stands there and listens, yet he takes their side everytime. I just don't understand.

Anyhow, the wedding was beautiful. My late husbands father walked my daughter down the aisle. Right before the ceremony started I was informed that he was wearing my late husbands shoes. It touched my heart more than they'll ever imagaine. My Danny got to walk our daughter down the aisle! I still can't stop crying everytime I think of it. I love those people so much. Is it wrong of me to still think of them as my in laws?

 

[Endless]

c1ners ... i've been reading some of your blog over the last few months. my fiancee found it and we were both touched to tears by the emotion in your posts.

i MUST ask a question that you needn't answer but to yourself. do you think that maybe by continuing the relationship with your late husband albeit spiritually ... you are damaging your relationship with your current husband? and ultimately his children?

if you can't give your whole heart to one who gives their whole heart to you ... they will sense it even if they don't know what they're feeling.

i am not calling you out ... i KNOW that you love danny. but maybe you are affecting everyone in your life by keeping him at the front of your heart instead of in its own locked room. you can never forget ... but to place those who are still alive before one who is past might offer you some emotional reprive and help repair damaged relationships.

just my observations ... i hope they weren't too forward

love in Christ
Emily

 

[c1ners]

c1ners ... i've been reading some of your blog over the last few months. my fiancee found it and we were both touched to tears by the emotion in your posts.

i MUST ask a question that you needn't answer but to yourself. do you think that maybe by continuing the relationship with your late husband albeit spiritually ... you are damaging your relationship with your current husband? and ultimately his children?

if you can't give your whole heart to one who gives their whole heart to you ... they will sense it even if they don't know what they're feeling.

i am not calling you out ... i KNOW that you love danny. but maybe you are affecting everyone in your life by keeping him at the front of your heart instead of in its own locked room. you can never forget ... but to place those who are still alive before one who is past might offer you some emotional reprive and help repair damaged relationships.

just my observations ... i hope they weren't too forward

love in Christ
Emily

No, it wasn't too forward at all. Sometimes we all need a good kick in the rear.

However my blog as you call it was something that I hold inside and not allow others to see. It was a way of releasing all those deep dark scars that no one else in this world knows about. To the outside world I am this happy go lucky woman who hasn't a care in the world. But inside I was dying. I've never let on to my husband or my step children of how I feel. I treat my husband like he is the love of my life. No one knows how much I hurt over losing Danny. I have been big and brave for 19 years. Like I said, I was dying inside. I had to get it all out, and that blog helped to do that. I don't like knowing that people actually kept up with it. It makes me a little embarrassed, and a little ashamed. But it did help. Read the last post. It wasn't a letter to my Danny, but to all of you.

I don't think that it was because of Danny that my step children hate me so much. I think they blame me for the break up of their mom and dad. I think their mom told them that we were dating before they divorced. In fact, it was the other way around. My husband has felt guilty about leaving them, so he has always tried to take their said in everything. So, they've heard their mother talk bad about me, and they see that their dad can't respect me enough to take my side on anything, and they grow up thinking that I'm this kind of awful person. I don't know how to stop it anymore. I've tried talking to them, but they don't care enough to listen. I just give up. It's not like I live in the same house or even town with them.

I hope I'm not coming across as sounding harsh. I've not reread this, and I don't plan on it. If I sound harsh or angry at you, I don't mean to. You threw me for a curve when you told me you had read my "blog". Now I feel like I need to explain, but there isn't enough time in the day for me to do that, so I'm going to leave now with a thank you, and God Bless.

 

[Aileen]

c1ners, you are not coming across as harsh or bitter or that you are living in the past nor are you over-sensitive.
I understand exactly how you feel as I have lived for many years the situation you describe.
You are their father´s wife and they should respect you as such. Their attitude is their problem and it isn´t for you to solve. You know who you are and your children know the strength of your love for them.
Please, never let the attitude of the step-children, however humilliating it may be affect you too much. I´m so glad they don´t live near. Treat them civilly, as your husband´s children when you are with them and keep your head high.

Don´t talk to your husband for a while about them or how you feel. Just concentrate on the relationship between you both and as it develops more and more the day will come when he will understand and see the truth. I don´t want to go into my personal experiences but I just want you to know I understand perfectly.
A big hug.

 

[Endless]

sweety ... you needn't feel ashamed ... your pain has touched our spirits very deeply. i didn't mean to cause you any anguish. and you have no one to answer to save your husband and your God. not even his children.

in light of what you replied with ... i would say that the ONLY person who can repair that relationship is your husband. he MUST respect you in front of his children it only does more harm not to. the things that you just said to me ... i think you should say to him.

please ... don't be embarrassed c1ners ... and don't think for a moment that anyone would judge you for loving so deeply.

~emily

 

[bliz]

Back to the original issue...

I would greatly limit my time with and exposure to your step-daughters. There is nothing that you can do or say that is going to make them like you, so stop trying.

Instead, limit your exposure. They can't misquote you if you don't talk to them. Don't answer the phone when they call - isn't caller ID great? Do not invite them to your home. If they invite themselves over, leave. Somehow you have ended up in the role of the third daughter waiting to Daddy to take sides. Enough! You are his wife - act like it.

 

[c1ners]

Back to the original issue...

I would greatly limit my time with and exposure to your step-daughters. There is nothing that you can do or say that is going to make them like you, so stop trying.

Instead, limit your exposure. They can't misquote you if you don't talk to them. Don't answer the phone when they call - isn't caller ID great? Do not invite them to your home. If they invite themselves over, leave. Somehow you have ended up in the role of the third daughter waiting to Daddy to take sides. Enough! You are his wife - act like it.

This is hilarous advice. Don't answer the phone when they call? They have every right to talk to their father. He is their dad after all. My way would be to answer the phone, be cordial, and give the phone to my husband. Being rude back to them is not going to help the situation.

Do not invite them to my home? Once again, my husband is their father. This would be like telling my daughter that she could never again visit us. I think we would have a war on our hands if either of us ever did this.

Unfortunately we do all fight for his love and attention. He's not very good at giving. I would hope he doesn't think of me as one of his daughters. That would be just gross!

Thanks for your attempt, but your advise just doesn't seem to fit my life.

 

[bliz]

This is hilarous advice. Don't answer the phone when they call? They have every right to talk to their father. He is their dad after all. My way would be to answer the phone, be cordial, and give the phone to my husband. Being rude back to them is not going to help the situation.

Is there something rude about your husband answering the phone when his daughters call? Of course they can call, but you don't have to talk to them.

Do not invite them to my home? Once again, my husband is their father. This would be like telling my daughter that she could never again visit us. I think we would have a war on our hands if either of us ever did this.

If I'm not mistaken, this is also your home. You have said that these women lie about what you have said and misrepresent you to your husband and make your life mirisable. I do not bring people who behave in such a manner into my home. Your husband can meet them at their homes or inb public places or you can be absent from the home when they come if you would really like to avoid them.

Unfortunately we do all fight for his love and attention. He's not very good at giving. I would hope he doesn't think of me as one of his daughters. That would be just gross!

So, perhaps the real problem lies not with your step-daughters, but with your marriage.

Thanks for your attempt, but your advise just doesn't seem to fit my life.

Not since you seem to want your life to remain unchanged...

 

[c1ners]

BlizI may not agree with the advise given, but I do still appreciate it. We take what applies to us, and we discard the rest. What may be right for you, may not be right for me. God made us all different for a reason. But thanks anyhow.

 

[If Not For Grace]

c1:

And don't let them steal your peace

was the best overall advice there is.

In answer to your 2 ?'s The answer to both is You Are the Step-Mom. (I know that's not fair) But you are the STEP-MOM. Do not try to be their Mother. That is not your Job. They are "supposed" to hate any woman that Daddy loves who is not them and not their Mother. Its cruel to you but it is their way of defending their Mom.

#2 is same--Daddy has to defend his "girls". Or that is how he sees it. He will not have to defend what is not under attack. Make Rules (You and Dad)--What they can/can't do during their stays with you and have Daddy dole out any punishments or penalties.

The Bottom line is it takes time--and LOVE.

PS. AS A LAST RESORT: If all else fails, get one of those pocket recorders and Let Daddy listen to one of their triads and decide for himself.

PSS. Your late husband is your not an ex..It's ok to miss him and its ok to still love him. It's not ok to advertise it to those still living that may find this uncomfortable. The Living are who is important..and that includes you.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Maybe they don't want to be there. I ahve to be an usher at my step-sisters wedding and frankly, I'm not interested in going. I don't mean that in a mean way. I see her when I'm visiting but I don't know her. I'm not close to her. We haven't bonded in any way. My relationship with her is similar to the cashier I see regularly when I buy groceries. Just because dad and stepmom got married doesn't mean we're all a tight family now. I don't have to magically like any of them.
But naturally no one cares about my point of view.