How do you deal with sexuality in your children?

[KFD]

Has anyone ever had to deal with catching their child engaging in inappropriate sexual behavior with another child?
I'm so confused about how to deal with situation. Help from other Christian parents would be much appreciated.

 

[dies-l]

Has anyone ever had to deal with catching their child engaging in inappropriate sexual behavior with another child?
I'm so confused about how to deal with situation. Help from other Christian parents would be much appreciated.

Depends on the behavior. Some sexual behavior is rooted in natural curiosity and is completely normal. Other behavior can be a warning sign that the child has been sexually abused and needs help. The most important factor is generally whether the act is mutually consensual and whether the children are roughly the same age (no more than about 3 years apart). If the answer to either of these is no, seek help.

 

[KFD]

It seems it was consensual and the kids are 8 and 5. Neither have done anything like this before.
My son, the 8 year old, has recently started attending a public school after home schooling, and has been hearing snippets of information regarding sex from other children... Not that any of them are old enough to really understand anyway... But he was obviously curious enough to attempt to find out with another child. I want to put him back in home school now.
They knew it was wrong as they were hiding. But now I have to deal with repairing the relationships that are damaged.. His and mine, his with the other child, our family with the other child's family.. It is such a mess!
I'm praying for guidance and patience. Can these relationship really ever be normal again? I know God wants me to forgive him, but I'm finding it really hard and if I can't do it how can I expect the other family to???

 

[Alyssum]

I don't understand why you feel you need to forgive your son. If he was forcing himself on the other child that is one thing, but if this was curiosity between both children then there isn't a need to forgive. Kids experiment sometimes and need to be taught what is appropriate and what is not.

One day I walked into my son's bedroom and caught him and his little friend (who was a girl) acting inappropriately toward one another. I broke it up and talked to them both about was is right and wrong. When I took the girl home I told her mother about the incident. She talked to her daughter and I had a long chat that night with my son about what God thinks of such things. End of story. There was no need to talk about it again. The one thing that changed in the relationship with his friend is that they were only allowed to play in the room with the door open.

It can be embarrassing and our pride can take a blow. I remember thinking, "My son did this?" But it is a childish act just like any other childish act and it needs to be viewed with the right perspective. Kids sin. How do you deal with any other sin your son commits?

Sister, I am not trying to belittle the situation. These are just my thoughts on what you shared. I will pray right now that you will have wisdom as you walk through this.

 

[dies-l]

I don't understand why you feel you need to forgive your son. If he was forcing himself on the other child that is one thing, but if this was curiosity between both children then there isn't a need to forgive. Kids experiment sometimes and need to be taught what is appropriate and what is not.

One day I walked into my son's bedroom and caught him and his little friend (who was a girl) acting inappropriately toward one another. I broke it up and talked to them both about was is right and wrong. When I took the girl home I told her mother about the incident. She talked to her daughter and I had a long chat that night with my son about what God thinks of such things. End of story. There was no need to talk about it again. The one thing that changed in the relationship with his friend is that they were only allowed to play in the room with the door open.

It can be embarrassing and our pride can take a blow. I remember thinking, "My son did this?" But it is a childish act just like any other childish act and it needs to be viewed with the right perspective. Kids sin. How do you deal with any other sin your son commits?

Sister, I am not trying to belittle the situation. These are just my thoughts on what you shared. I will pray right now that you will have wisdom as you walk through this.

I largely agree with this. I have a son who has exposed himself to other children against their will. My wife and I decided that this was an issue that had to be addressed as a serious issue, solely because of the lack of consent on the receiving end. But, a consensual act of showing private parts or even touching between two children, I would think, would best be treated as an opportunity to have an age appropriate discussion about sexuality with your child -- nothing more, nothing less. These kinds of experiences are more about curiosity than anything else, which is completely normal for elementary age children to have.

 

[shakenNotshattered]

Agreed.

I don't understand why you feel you need to forgive your son. If he was forcing himself on the other child that is one thing, but if this was curiosity between both children then there isn't a need to forgive. Kids experiment sometimes and need to be taught what is appropriate and what is not.

One day I walked into my son's bedroom and caught him and his little friend (who was a girl) acting inappropriately toward one another. I broke it up and talked to them both about was is right and wrong. When I took the girl home I told her mother about the incident. She talked to her daughter and I had a long chat that night with my son about what God thinks of such things. End of story. There was no need to talk about it again. The one thing that changed in the relationship with his friend is that they were only allowed to play in the room with the door open.

It can be embarrassing and our pride can take a blow. I remember thinking, "My son did this?" But it is a childish act just like any other childish act and it needs to be viewed with the right perspective. Kids sin. How do you deal with any other sin your son commits?

Sister, I am not trying to belittle the situation. These are just my thoughts on what you shared. I will pray right now that you will have wisdom as you walk through this.

 

[dies-l]

Because it wasent specified, I'm thinking the other child was a boy also.

Is that relevant?

 

[Johnnz]

Sex is a normal component of being human. God created us sexual. Curiosity is natural, beginning in childhood, and continuing throughout our lives. It is so important that children and informed sensibly and comfortably. sex and our bodies are not 'dirty' or 'shameful'. Talk quietly and in a relaxed way about sex with your child to impart information and values.

And ask yourself, why as a parent, would I find talking about sex uncomfortable? Maybe that needs further reflection too.

John
NZ

 

[dies-l]

I personally don't think it should be but let's be honest, this a Christian site and it does matter to lot of people. Not even sure this is the case, but if it is, it's a tough pill to swallow for all involved. Hense the reason "forgiveness" of the child may seem necessary and difficult, as was described.

It also may change the counseling direction. So yes, based on what I've read and the desire for answers to this situation, its very relevant.

BTW: Love the signature.

If someone were to believe it to be relevant, I would want them to know that there is zero connection between same sex experimentation as a child and eventual adult homosexuality. Even if the other child is a boy, this kind of thing is still likely within the realm of normal. It's a great opportunity to talk with the child about sexual morals, but probably not deserving of any punishment (and definitely not shaming of any kind).

 

[KFD]

I don't understand why you feel you need to forgive your son. If he was forcing himself on the other child that is one thing, but if this was curiosity between both children then there isn't a need to forgive. Kids experiment sometimes and need to be taught what is appropriate and what is not.

One day I walked into my son's bedroom and caught him and his little friend (who was a girl) acting inappropriately toward one another. I broke it up and talked to them both about was is right and wrong. When I took the girl home I told her mother about the incident. She talked to her daughter and I had a long chat that night with my son about what God thinks of such things. End of story. There was no need to talk about it again. The one thing that changed in the relationship with his friend is that they were only allowed to play in the room with the door open.

It can be embarrassing and our pride can take a blow. I remember thinking, "My son did this?" But it is a childish act just like any other childish act and it needs to be viewed with the right perspective. Kids sin. How do you deal with any other sin your son commits?

Sister, I am not trying to belittle the situation. These are just my thoughts on what you shared. I will pray right now that you will have wisdom as you walk through this.

****
Thankyou for your prayer and advice. I know you are right, my husband dealt with it in that manner I am just finding it more difficult. I'm still praying for God to guide my words and actions towards him.
We attend the same church as the other family too, I am worried about awkwardness for everyone and for the kids in Sunday school. Is it necessary that the teachers are spoken to? Does it then become something turned into a bigger deal than it is and get spread around to too many people? My husband has spoken to the other parents and cleared it with them.. Is that where it now stays? Are there any scriptures I can turn to?

 

[KFD]

Sex is a normal component of being human. God created us sexual. Curiosity is natural, beginning in childhood, and continuing throughout our lives. It is so important that children and informed sensibly and comfortably. sex and our bodies are not 'dirty' or 'shameful'. Talk quietly and in a relaxed way about sex with your child to impart information and values.

And ask yourself, why as a parent, would I find talking about sex uncomfortable? Maybe that needs further reflection too.

John
NZ

Touché

 

[Johnnz]

I don't see any need to discuss the incident with anyone else. Kids' curiosity and unawareness of other (adult only) sexual implications is not high treason or the beginning of spiritual apostasy.

Some years ago with a teenage girl staying with us a programme on Hugh Hefner was there on TV, which she was watching. I sat and watched it with her (great sacrifice for me!!!!). Afterwards we discussed what each of us felt about the programme. "What a boring, indulgent lifestyle; all the girls looked the same - blonde, big smiles, buxom". It was a good interaction, she was not in the least impressed and some values were tossed around.

Had I turned off the TV the discussion would not have happened, and she would not have learned what my perceptions and values were, that I was not some prudish reactionary, and that sexual values could be discussed together just as any other topic.

John
NZ

 

[KFD]

I don't see any need to discuss the incident with anyone else. Kids' curiosity and unawareness of other (adult only) sexual implications is not high treason or the beginning of spiritual apostasy.

Some years ago with a teenage girl staying with us a programme on Hugh Hefner was there on TV, which she was watching. I sat and watched it with her (great sacrifice for me!!!!). Afterwards we discussed what each of us felt about the programme. "What a boring, indulgent lifestyle; all the girls looked the same - blonde, big smiles, buxom". It was a good interaction, she was not in the least impressed and some values were tossed around.

Had I turned off the TV the discussion would not have happened, and she would not have learned what my perceptions and values were, that I was not some prudish reactionary, and that sexual values could be discussed together just as any other topic.

John
NZ

John,
Ive been looking for aids from Christian bookstores to help us talk to our children, and hopefully avoid this sort of behaviour reoccurring.

 

[Johnnz]

Great. I hope you can find something sensible.Maybe recollect too - what would I have loved to know about sex at that age?

John
NZ

 

[KFD]

Great. I hope you can find something sensible.Maybe recollect too - what would I have loved to know about sex at that age?

John
NZ

That's just it though.. I don't recall having an interest until much later. That's why I'm quite unsure how to approach this. I think I have found some good text online. Hopefully it helps!

 

[Johnnz]

Ask your husband. He probably was interested earlier than you were.

John
NZ

 

[Alyssum]

****
Thankyou for your prayer and advice. I know you are right, my husband dealt with it in that manner I am just finding it more difficult. I'm still praying for God to guide my words and actions towards him.
We attend the same church as the other family too, I am worried about awkwardness for everyone and for the kids in Sunday school. Is it necessary that the teachers are spoken to? Does it then become something turned into a bigger deal than it is and get spread around to too many people? My husband has spoken to the other parents and cleared it with them.. Is that where it now stays? Are there any scriptures I can turn to?

IMO, I don't think it's necessary to talk to the teachers at church. This is something between your family and the other child's family. Just because the situation was of a sexual nature doesn't mean you have to warn anybody. If your husband talked to the other parents and things have been worked out with them, be at peace.

 

[madyjae]

If it was consensual then I agree there shouldn't be anyone else involved.. Hopefully the other parents will understand that as well. i'm sure the children feel bad enough having been found out and then talked to about it... imagine having their sunday school teachers know? you know how gossip is.. im sure it wouldn't stop there.. and before you know it, none of the other church members will allow their kids to play with your son! sheesh!! just stop the drama before it begins!!

 

[KFD]

IMO, I don't think it's necessary to talk to the teachers at church. This is something between your family and the other child's family. Just because the situation was of a sexual nature doesn't mean you have to warn anybody. If your husband talked to the other parents and things have been worked out with them, be at peace.

Thankyou.
I think I am just looking for reassurance from other like minded patents that we have acted in a way that is fair and reasonable.

 

[KFD]

IMO, I don't think it's necessary to talk to the teachers at church. This is something between your family and the other child's family. Just because the situation was of a sexual nature doesn't mean you have to warn anybody. If your husband talked to the other parents and things have been worked out with them, be at peace.

If it was consensual then I agree there shouldn't be anyone else involved.. Hopefully the other parents will understand that as well. i'm sure the children feel bad enough having been found out and then talked to about it... imagine having their sunday school teachers know? you know how gossip is.. im sure it wouldn't stop there.. and before you know it, none of the other church members will allow their kids to play with your son! sheesh!! just stop the drama before it begins!!

You are absolutely right, I don't want it blown out of proportion. It will only encourage more secretive behaviour.