How do you confront someone who abused you

[One day at a time]

I'm just wondering how can you talk to someone who abused you. This is so hard to say...I have never told anyone this except my husband..and that took a long time to say.
So I will start at the beginning...when I was 5 or 6 I was abused by my neighbor. He didn't do anything to my body...but wanted me to do something to his. I can hardly stand to say it, it brings up such terrible memories *tears and shaking*.
I remember also my brother during that time to want to play dr. But to me is was like whatever. (Is that horrible?)
But as I grew up and became a teenager both of my brothers touched me. One just out of curiosity (which was once and never again and he apologized) The second (my oldest brother), as soon as my parents would leave us alone he would corner me, being stronger than me, and touch me. This continued until he left for college. I never told a soul...he was the quiet, 4.0 gpa, no one would ever believe he did anything wrong kind of guy, but he had a temper like you would never believe.
So here I am 30 years later....wondering if it ever bothered him, did he ever regret doing that to me, should I confront him or just let it go. Did he or does he do that to his daughter or did he ever tell his wife?
Any suggestions....? I can't even believe that I wrote this...I think I might be sick !

 

[UnitynLove]

Your brother was most likely abused also (99&#37 of the people who do those things were themselves molested and abused as a child. Saying that, it still doesn't justify whatever he did to you as a child. What I would do is pray for God to give me a right way of approaching and talking to my brothers about these things and let the healing begin with you and your family.

 

[One day at a time]

If he was abused I would really be surprised. I should mention also I am from a pastor's home. So it's not like I can just talk about this stuff. I know deep down I have some issues with him--no doubt. It also didn't help growing up that he was definitely my dad's favorite (and we all knew it-again never spoken). As a matter of fact he is today a very fundamental Baptist preacher. I just don't understand how this could not have affected him.
I don't even know what kind of healing this is to be. I have lived with it buried for so long to dig it up really does make me sick. After I wrote that first time I was literally sick to my stomach.
I know too the devil likes to bring it to mind at the most random times that it makes me shudder.
So really what am I to do? I really can't see myself confronting him--I'm the most non-confrontational person there is.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Your brother was most likely abused also (99%) of the people who do those things were themselves molested and abused as a child. Saying that, it still doesn't justify whatever he did to you as a child. What I would do is pray for God to give me a right way of approaching and talking to my brothers about these things and let the healing begin with you and your family.

99%? If I'm allowed to ask, where did you get your stat from?

One day at a time, have you looked into counselling at all? I think it's great that you've told your husband and I can't imagine how hard that would be . I don't know how you feel about counselling, but talking to someone who might be able to work through what happened seems to me to be the first step in being able to one day confront him (if that's what you want to do). A counsellor should also be able to warn you about the possible reactions your brother may have - he may realise how much it hurt you and apologise, he may ignore that you said anything or he may deny it and make you feel crazy (you're not!). If you want to confront him one day you need to try to make sure that you have a support network who love and care about you.

Thinking of you Hun (and sending hugs if ok?)

 

[bubblefish]

(if ok?). First of all, well done for posting here. I know how hard it can be to speak out for the first time about the past. You are doing extremely well!

As for confronting him, it is completely up to you. There are a lot of people who find some kind of healing from confronting their abuser and a lot of others prefer not to - and neither answer is wrong. It is just a different way of dealing with things.

If you do confront him, I really suggest having someone else you know and trust there with you. It is hard to do alone. Or even, if you don't want to confront him in person could you write an email or letter about it?

I also don't know what you have thought about with counseling, but as Bamboo_chicken mentioned it might definitely be something to look into first. They can help you to work through the memories and also decide what you want to do from there.

Unityinlove, I would very much like to know where that figure came from as well. I have never been able to find anything like it

 

[One day at a time]

I can't believe this...but I wrote a whole post it it disappeared frustrating!!
So I will try this again and see if I can remember what I said.
First off, thanks for your encouraging words and our prayers. I really do appreciate it. One of my reasons for even doing this is the thought that maybe it will help someone else. I just didn't realize how much this was going to bring on the emotions that it has. It is as if I have now opened up a can of worms. It has really put me in a mood that I wonder if I should have just left it alone, kept it buried.
I have thought about counseling--just not sure who I would be willing to tell. Ironicly, I used to work with a Christian counselor--even thought several times of talking to him but changed my mind.
I am blessed to have a husband that is supportive. I don't know what I would do without him--he has been with me through some tough times!!
I should say that at one time I thought about confessing it to my parents. I was already married with children when I decided that I would do it. I got out the part of my neighbor. Their response was unbelief--like I would lie to them about something like that? I never understood that response. So I knew then and there that I would never tell them the other part.
Is this sick? I won't discuss it with anyone b/c I don't want anyone to have bad thoughts about my brother. My girls know about the first part (the neighbor)--just a bit so that they would never let someone take advantage of them but I could never tell them anything else.
I don't even know what to think right now. I will just have to pray about it.
Thanks again for your advice, I will seriously think about it.

 

[BlessEwe]

One day at a time, have you looked into counselling at all? I think it's great that you've told your husband and I can't imagine how hard that would be . I don't know how you feel about counselling, but talking to someone who might be able to work through what happened seems to me to be the first step in being able to one day confront him (if that's what you want to do). A counsellor should also be able to warn you about the possible reactions your brother may have - he may realise how much it hurt you and apologise, he may ignore that you said anything or he may deny it and make you feel crazy (you're not!). If you want to confront him one day you need to try to make sure that you have a support network who love and care about you.

Thinking of you Hun (and sending hugs if ok?)

I 100% agree with this, just thinking about it made you feel ill. You have no idea what emotions are going to come up while confronting him. Being in a healthy strong place yourself will be good.
I guess what comes to me is: If and when you do decide to confront these people is ... We can not control what others do ( meaning how they will react when/if confronted) But we can control how we react. This is why you need good strong direction before.

Pray for God's direction in how to deal with this. I know in AA 12 steps, we go through the process with another person. We pray for the person, even though they hurt us. We are giving it to God to free us, as the person probably doesn't even think about it, and we are taking the power back, they had over us. It will only hurt us if we continue to drag it along through the years.
The freedom I found after 45 years of dragging the pain I had, doesn't mean I deny it never happened but it makes it less painful and easier to let it go to God.

 

[One day at a time]

I guess part of it making me ill is the fact that I have never ever written this down. Aside from telling my husband, NO One knows. So it is like I have opened up this little spot in me that has been walled all these years and I don't know what to do about it.

 

[BlessEwe]

Perhaps it is God bringing it up now in your life, as He wants you to give it to Him. Sometimes ( well for me) it stayed in the back of my mind affecting my everyday.
Also for me, when I went through the dreaded menopause it seemed to magnify for me. Now I am on the other side, and going through the process was well worth it. Yippee, lol...Not everyone has a hard time, and drugs/alcohol probably made it worse.
Maybe pray and ask God for direction.

 

[One day at a time]

For me I don't ever think about it. Yes at odd times something will spark it but it gets put right back. I ask God to put it back in its spot. But being on this forum, as I go through I see this section and then it comes to mind. So I decided to see if anyone else ever went through it. And the next thing I know--I'm writing it.
Part of my problem is that I spend all my time at home. I have enjoyed CF b/c I was wondering was there some kind of ministry (even begging God to please give me something) that I can do from home. (I have to sit in my recliner due to an accident and surgery so I can no longer work) I have all these experiences and thoughts that I was hoping that I could just encourage and bless others. Help others out....never once thinking that I would go to this corner of my heart.
Will seriously pray and seek God. I know that He works all things for good....
Thanks

 

[bliz]

I too was sexually assulted as a child. And by a preacher's kid, and my older brother.

Try counseling again. It may be easer to talk with a woman.

 

[One day at a time]

I told my husband that I put it on here and he was shocked. I couldn't even talk without crying to him. I said something about the counseling and I don't know really where that is going to do for me. What did it do for you?

 

[UnitynLove]

Perhaps it is God bringing it up now in your life, as He wants you to give it to Him. Sometimes ( well for me) it stayed in the back of my mind affecting my everyday.
Also for me, when I went through the dreaded menopause it seemed to magnify for me. Now I am on the other side, and going through the process was well worth it. Yippee, lol...Not everyone has a hard time, and drugs/alcohol probably made it worse.
Maybe pray and ask God for direction.

Couldn't have said it better myself!!

 

[One day at a time]

thanks for everyone's responses--I appreciate them all.

 

[bliz]

I told my husband that I put it on here and he was shocked. I couldn't even talk without crying to him. I said something about the counseling and I don't know really where that is going to do for me. What did it do for you?

Counseling gives you a very knowledgable someone whose only goal is to help you make your life better, how you defne that. When we can go back and sort out evens in our past, we become able to alter our reaction to those things and to, if we wish, make our future different than the past.
You may find it's helpful to confront. You may find that some other techniques will satisify you so that you will not need to confront. You may work on foirgivness, which usually takes some time.

Everyone else in your life has an agenda for you. With a therapist, you set the agenda for yourself and you can work on it together, involving other people if you need to.

A good therapist will push you sometimes to confront issues and it's not always fun. And it can take a few tries to find the right person - someone who "gets" you and likes you and whom you like.

 

[UnitynLove]

thanks for everyone's responses--I appreciate them all.

Great

 

[One day at a time]

Well, just a quick update....I'm doing better with what I shared. I can now do this without getting all emotional and shaking--without all the anxiety that it brought to write this and let it be known.
Still will have to wait and see what God would have me to do about confronting my brother....so I would thank you for continuing to pray for me!

 

[lotuseskimo]

I need help in this to my mom sexually assulted me, and like tomarrow Im going to help clean her house for an inspection.

 

[One day at a time]

Does that scare you? Does she still abuse you?

 

[lotuseskimo]

I had supressed the inciedent, but when I was around her, I was so scared, and did strange things like if she touched me I would scream because I couldn't stand her to, slowly I asked God why I did these things and I remembered what she did. She trys to make me laugh about sexual things, and trys to make jokes about really gross stuff, she trys to make me laugh with her. And she has done assulting things. It's sick because she laughs, and as her child I felt I should laugh with her, yuck.

She will lose her house if I don't clean it for her. I think that I should, I just don't know how to handle the situation when I get there.