How do I learn to cope...

[saved4salvation07]

I have Asperger Syndrome, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (or PDD) that keeps me from socializing with peers my own age, and I was wanting to know how I can learn to cope with rejection by a woman that doesn't want to be with me.
How do most men with High-functioning Autism cope with rejection from a woman?

 

[Glass*Soul]

I have Asperger Syndrome, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (or PDD) that keeps me from socializing with peers my own age, and I was wanting to know how I can learn to cope with rejection by a woman that doesn't want to be with me.
How do most men with High-functioning Autism cope with rejection from a woman?

As in being turned down when you ask for a date?

(I'm female and an Aspie and I even worry about calling up another female for a friendly get together and being turned down. LOL. So, I kinda understand. )

 

[dayhiker]

The thing that helped me the most was when I understood that it wouldn't be fun, enjoyable but awkward and boring to be with a woman who didn't want to be with me. I want a woman who wants to be with me. So if she says no she has saved me from a very awkward time which would have undermined my ability to be with people.

I think the 1st think to learn is to go to a public place and learn to be comfortable just watching people. Got to a party, just watch the people. Don't try to be like the other people. Learn by watching. If someone comes up to talk with you. The 2nd step is to learn to keep your side of the conversation going. If I don't know about a topic they want to talk about, I just say I don't know much about that topic. Learn to be simple and honest with what you say. 3rd learn to tell stories don't just state facts. I did that way tooooo long.

 

[GarfieldJL]

Okay this will be my first post here. That said, I'm also on the Autistic Spectrum, I wasn't diagnosed until Freshman Year of college, my family knew about my ADD, but the Autism Diagnosis was more recent.

Anyways, I also have had problems getting together with friends, asking a girl out actually is terrifying, but I don't think it necessarily has to do with the fact one is the on the Spectrum. I think it has more to do with our life experience growing up, and since we have been social outcasts to greater or lesser extent from childhood, we tend to be very hesitent to ask people on dates or attend a social event.

To any women here that aren't on the spectrum, if there is a guy you're interested in that is probably on the spectrum, you probably will have to be the one asking the guy out on a date, I know it is traditionally the guy that is supposed to do it, but since people on the spectrum can be incredibly shy over asking anyone out (out of fear of rejection), it may end up having to be the girl making the first move.

As far as how you should behave around people:

Generally you should try to be yourself, even if on a date. Don't try to behave in a manner that you wouldn't normally behave like (doesn't mean you shouldn't dress up, or anything like that). If a person doesn't like you for who you are, then I'm not sure they are someone that you would want to spend the rest of you life with.

Aside to women: Guys on the spectrum tend to be more honest about things and/or are generally very bad at deceiving people on anything. There are guys on the spectrum that can be very deceptive, but they are not the norm. A guy on the spectrum may seem unemotional at times, but that doesn't mean they don't have feelings, it is often hard for someone with Autism (particularly on the high end of the Spectrum) to explain how they feel. Additionally people on the spectrum tend to have a very hard time reading nonverbal cues (facial expressions and body language), that is do to a key part of the brain not working in the same way that it would for most people (it has some advantages, but it's disadvantage makes it harder to handle social settings).

Now as for actually being Rejected...

There are multiple possibilities concerning that, and it may have nothing to do with you. People whom are not on the Spectrum also get rejected... It might not necessarily have anything to do with being on the Spectrum.

 

[dayhiker]

Good post, Garfield.

 

[beakybird]

Being rejected is very difficult to cope with. But for most people it gets a little easier as time goes on. There is someone for everyone I think. Just try to keep seeking that. Take solace in the fact that EVERYONE gets rejected, Spectrum or not. It's not because of who you are, but who THEY are, as in, not the right one. Try not to fixate on that person, try not to get mad at them either. Just not a match is all. Try not to be too negative about it or yourself.

I know when I was younger I would fall in love with any girl who talked to me for more than 5 minutes. I had no way to discern if they were just being nice or were interested in me. I agree with just trying to get yourself out there. Women are far more forthright with themselves than in generations past. Try to find social events involving things you like. Concerts, sports, museums, anything that you really like. This way any girls you see there you have something to relate with.

Try maybe internet dating. I met my wife on match. I thought it was the lamest thing at first and killed my already shallow self esteem for a minute but it was well worth it. It gives you the chance to interact in non-threatening ways over the internet or phone until you get comfortable enough to meet in person. I would have never been able to approach my wife to talk with her in a pubic place or social setting. But online stuff takes out a lot of the intimidation and reduces the intense feelings of rejection because until you meet them face to face they almost aren't even a "real" person yet.

 

[aspieinsearch]

As always, I totally agree Dayhiker. Good post.

 

[aspieinsearch]

Yes, that was very well spoken Garfield.

 

[RCF]

Guys, keep this post going for a few more years. My son is 10 and very high functioning. By the time he gets dating age, maybe we will have a dating book for ASDs here. The things found here so far could be placed in the "I couldn't have said it better myself" category. Garfield and BeakyBird, thank you.
And you guys are right. Rejection is no fun for anyone. On or off the spectrum.
Bless you all,
RCF

 

[dayhiker]

One aspect of overcoming reject is to have an internal narrative about how we view our self.
Do we enjoy the things we think about? If so then we see value to our own thoughts.
Do we want good for other people with we think about them? Then we aren't evil!
Do we want to find ways to help people? Then we want to take our good thoughts to actual actions.

Keep these things in mind when we are rejected. We still have all these good qualities, we aren't worthless just because this person didn't get us. Took me a while to get all this internalized and in my conscious thinking. But its helped a lot with rejection to know I have good stuff going on inside of me. Praise Jesus, I don't want to hurt anyone.

Eventually, I was able to get the good inside out for others to see. Then I started to have a friend, that helped when the next person wasn't interested in being my friend.

 

[artqween]

I have Asperger Syndrome, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (or PDD) that keeps me from socializing with peers my own age, and I was wanting to know how I can learn to cope with rejection by a woman that doesn't want to be with me.
How do most men with High-functioning Autism cope with rejection from a woman?

Support groups at ur local hospital,church,.. How does it prevent u??

Never stop believing in urself.. Suggestion: Ask ur family to go for a neigborhood family walk with u and walk lenghty. Saying hi to everyone u see. Remember Jesus died for how u feeling . And God hurts when u hurt..
Hi btw.. Plezd to meet u.
If a woman rejects u.. Keep in mind a better/smarter one will come along. She just didnt have good taste .
Hello btw..

Also check out lots of support groups for ur issue at ur local hospital/..
U just might meet a nice young lady brother..

Ur on disability right?? Btw

 

[saved4salvation07]

As in being turned down when you ask for a date?

(I'm female and an Aspie and I even worry about calling up another female for a friendly get together and being turned down. LOL. So, I kinda understand. )

I think something is brewing with me and a girl from chicago. I think we're fixing to be in a relationship soon after we get to know each other.

 

[artqween]

I think something is brewing with me and a girl from chicago. I think we're fixing to be in a relationship soon after we get to know each other.

Good luck my friend.. Take ur relationship slow enjoy ur time together suggestion.. Also buy her
Flowers and always reminder she is ob ur mind. Do u love her?? Does she conplete u?? brewing is an way of putting it ha ha...

 

[grandma dolittle]

Aside to women: Guys on the spectrum tend to be more honest about things and/or are generally very bad at deceiving people on anything. There are guys on the spectrum that can be very deceptive, but they are not the norm. A guy on the spectrum may seem unemotional at times, but that doesn't mean they don't have feelings, it is often hard for someone with Autism (particularly on the high end of the Spectrum) to explain how they feel. Additionally people on the spectrum tend to have a very hard time reading nonverbal cues (facial expressions and body language), that is do to a key part of the brain not working in the same way that it would for most people (it has some advantages, but it's disadvantage makes it harder to handle social settings).


AMEN! I am not a guy but a retired special ed teacher who worked with people on the spectrum for many years, plus I also have a son who has Aspergers. I adore you guys, but I am 67 so I'll pass on the date. All I can say is the girls do not know what they are missing... you guys are so special!

grandma

 

[artqween]

Aside to women: Guys on the spectrum tend to be more honest about things and/or are generally very bad at deceiving people on anything. There are guys on the spectrum that can be very deceptive, but they are not the norm. A guy on the spectrum may seem unemotional at times, but that doesn't mean they don't have feelings, it is often hard for someone with Autism (particularly on the high end of the Spectrum) to explain how they feel. Additionally people on the spectrum tend to have a very hard time reading nonverbal cues (facial expressions and body language), that is do to a key part of the brain not working in the same way that it would for most people (it has some advantages, but it's disadvantage makes it harder to handle social settings).


AMEN! I am not a guy but a retired special ed teacher who worked with people on the spectrum for many years, plus I also have a son who has Aspergers. I adore you guys, but I am 67 so I'll pass on the date. All I can say is the girls do not know what they are missing... you guys are so special!

grandma

Hey.. Grandma.. What is the spectrum?
Well its when u dont look is when u
Find ur future hunny. Good luck..

 

[grandma dolittle]

Oh No.... I do not want another man around my house ... sons , and grandsons accepted. I am contented just like I am....

 

[artqween]

Oh No.... I do not want another man around my house ... sons , and grandsons accepted. I am contented just like I am....

??? Why Gm :-/

 

[grandma dolittle]

??? Why Gm :-/

I have had three! That is more than enough for any woman.

 

[artqween]

I have had three! That is more than enough for any woman.

Meaning? 3.. Never give up.. U'll
Meet u mister right. Just dont have that
Looking look. Its when dont look is when they will find u.. hey btw.
Good luck

 

[grandma dolittle]

Meaning? 3.. Never give up.. U'll
Meet u mister right. Just dont have that
Looking look. Its when dont look is when they will find u.. hey btw.
Good luck

Thank you, btw... you are lovely