How did you get over it?

[hanaya]

Well, here's my story in a nutshell. I've been married just over two years. My husband is confused, not sure if he loves me the "right way", not sure if he will ever want kids (he knows I do) and thinks that we should separate or divorce. Especially since he doesn't know when he'll figure it out, he doesn't want to "drag me along" for the next 20 years or so. I still love him and I would do anything to fix this marriage. My husband takes full responsibility for what is going on and says that I didn't do anything wrong and so there's nothing I can do to fix it.
The thing is, I don't want to get divorced. I don't even want to live separately. I'm at the point where I would be happy to continue to live like roommates in the same house, just so long as I don't lose him completely. I don't know what to do. I'm not happy with the situation right now, but I still feel in my heart that we are supposed to be together. He does make me happy, even though my heart is breaking right now.
However, if he does ask for a separation or divorce, I don't have much choice, so I just need some advice.
If you are separated/divorced, how did you cope? How did you get through it or over it? How long did it take?
I just need to know that if the worst happens, I will be able to get through it. I need to know that someone out there has been through what I'm going through and that they survived.
Thanks...

 

[captiveheart]

Sounds like there is more on your husband's mind than just an inability to love you the right way. People lose their way sometimes and come up with crazy ideas like this. I wish I knew the answer to facing the loss. When my ex and I separated, I spent my emotions on another woman. I eventually found myself emotionally ruined and finally turned to God to rebuild my life. Looking back, I should have spent all of that effort on my relationship with the Lord.

 

[LivingProof8]

Firstly, I wanted to offer my sympathy for what you are going through.

I think as Captive has said, sometimes, people lose their way and often "run" from life rather than face themselves or the issues that are causing them to make second guesses. It's hard for people to look in the mirror. It sounds as if your husband is dealing with something much deeper than just second thoughts about marriage and time will tell if he is able to get through it.

Also, there is no right or wrong way to deal with it or a timeline. Healing is a process and it differs from person to person. I encourage to spend time with friends, family (not ALWAYS talking about the situation) or take interest in a hobby and try to develop a routine so that you can still have "normalcy" in your life. Also, spend time praying and listening to God. I believe that everything happens in our lives for the greater good. This could be sometime for you to evaluate yourself and work through somethings. Also, pray and ask God for direction about the situation. Ask Him for peace as you go through it. Also, keep your husband in prayer as well.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[5kidsdad]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it isn't something that anyone should have to face, not even those we dislike the most. My wife insisted I leave, then I found out why, another man. She is one of those who would go back and forth about wanting it to work, then wanting it over. After a lot of prayer and fasting, I am ending it. For us, it was 15 years, and 5 kids, which are with her for now. The only way that I have found to deal with it is leaning heavily on God, and prayer every day. I also would advise that you be in your church as often as possible. I have found that there are people there that will encourage you when you don't even expect it. It has been 6 months for me, and I still have my days. You will go through a wide array of emotions, which is normal. Pray for God's will, and He will show it to you. There is a great group of people on this site, who have been where you, or even I are now. They are a great encouragement when you are down. Don't be afraid to ask a question. There are prayers that go forward from these people evry day. You will survive, you will get through, and God will be with you every step of the way.

May God bless you,

5kidsdad

 

[DZoolander]

My thought is that "time heals all wounds" - simply put. Love is very much circumstantial - and "here and now". Give it the right amount of time - you'll be done with the situation and move on.

How much time is required really depends on a couple of things. First is how old you are (generally - the younger you are the quicker you get over things) - and second - how long you've been together.

 

[hanaya]

As an update, he wants to separate for sure and I am crying my eyes out, hyperventilating and feeling like I'm going to lose my mind.
I think I might take a brief leave of absence from work, maybe even take a trip. Try to get away and get out of my head for a while. Anybody tried this as a strategy?

 

[captiveheart]

If you have some place to go that's some significant distance away, where there are people that care for you, it might help you get through the initial pain. Stay grounded in Him as best as you can. I pray that He brings his Spirit close to you and that He lifts your heart through this time of great pain.

 

[LivingProof8]

As an update, he wants to separate for sure and I am crying my eyes out, hyperventilating and feeling like I'm going to lose my mind.
I think I might take a brief leave of absence from work, maybe even take a trip. Try to get away and get out of my head for a while. Anybody tried this as a strategy?

Cry as you much, scream, do what you need to. The initial "shock" is the hardest. Once you begin to build a life of your own, you have more insight into a) is this marriage really what God wants for you and b) where you life will go. It takes time but if you trust in God and let Him comfort you every second of every day, keep positive, helpful people around you, you'll make it through.

 

[Autumnleaf]

As an update, he wants to separate for sure and I am crying my eyes out, hyperventilating and feeling like I'm going to lose my mind.
I think I might take a brief leave of absence from work, maybe even take a trip. Try to get away and get out of my head for a while. Anybody tried this as a strategy?

Pray and wait on God for his answer. Use your faith to move mountains, or maybe only one man's heart.

 

[hanaya]

I feel so confused, I don't even know how to pray or what to pray anymore. I feel absolutely stuck. My husband doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I can't bring myself to leave or to accept that it's over. It doesn't feel over. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from and the simplest decisions are suddenly so difficult. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to leave, I don't know how to stay, I don't know where to go. I don't think I've ever felt so lost in my whole life. I just want to crawl in bed and never come out.
I just don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I feel so confused, I don't even know how to pray or what to pray anymore. I feel absolutely stuck. My husband doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I can't bring myself to leave or to accept that it's over. It doesn't feel over. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from and the simplest decisions are suddenly so difficult. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to leave, I don't know how to stay, I don't know where to go. I don't think I've ever felt so lost in my whole life. I just want to crawl in bed and never come out.
I just don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.

Pray for God's will to be done and for you to be at peace with it. Sometimes waiting on God is the right thing to do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3b2jw1rjBc

 

[Carolyn H]

I had to mourn the death of my marriage.

 

[hanaya]

How do you mourn the death of a marriage? I feel like I'm in mourning now (I just found out that he called a lawyer- so I guess I can't try to convince myself it's not really happening anymore) but I don't know how to get past these sad and desperate feelings I'm having. Do I toss out the mementos of our marriage? Do I go away somewhere?

 

[BrokenOne]

I was/am in a similar situation, my wife decided that she didn't want to try to work on things and figured it was easier to leave. That was only two months ago and I know that I am in a good place. What helped with that was being with people that love and support you. Because of my circumstance I had to move back in with my parents but honestly it was and is the best thing for me during this. I also moved out of the city and now live two hours away from where I used to. It was hard to leave my friends but being out here has allowed me to realize things that I need to work on. My mother keeps reminding me that the Lord doesnt want this for my marriage but he can still use this situation for good. I read in some book that the lord allows us to go through trials and tribulations to help us become the person in him that he wants us to be. Now im not saying that what your husband is doing is the lords will but just remember that there are things to be learned in this. I thank God daily for my situation becuase without it, it would have taken me years to realize and work through the things that I have to this point. I know its hard for the first month or so I did nothing but cry but it will get better I cant tell you when or how but it will.

 

[captiveheart]

Sometimes it is hard for me to read in these forums. It reminds me of how fragile human relationships are and how many things there are in every day life that chip away at their foundations. I pray for you and I feel your pain and tears well up as I type this. I wanted to offer some great biblical nugget of truth to direct you but all I could think of was, "Jesus wept". It is OK to weep and to feel sad that your marriage has come to this. But stand as close to Jesus as you can. Let Him be your husband and love you and comfort you. Move to be with those that love and care for you. Know that happiness will come sooner than you might think.

 

[hanaya]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and prayers with me. I've been doing a lot of praying and a lot of waiting and I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

 

[hanaya]

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[hanaya]

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[hanaya]

Sorry about that. Server kept resetting on me.