How can I get over his sexual past?

[mspagev]

Hi all,

At the very beginning of my fiancé and I's relationship, he was up front and honest about his sexual history. He had anywhere between 25-30 partners whereas I have never had any. It took a lot of time, communication and prayers to move past it.

However, last night, he came clean and said that he had hooked up with one of the girl's he's still friends with now multiple times. In fact, she was at our engagement dinner and is invited to the wedding. Even though he says there's nothing between them now because he see's her as his little sister and it was 10 years ago, I'm still shocked, hurt and disappointed. It is one thing to know about his past but it's another to put an actual name and face to that person.

I just don't know what to do or where to begin to start processing all of this. It's like old wounds have opened up again and I'm trying my best to stay put together. He reassures me that he only loves me and wants me for the rest of his life. He apologized for his past and feels really bad that he didn't wait for me.

Is there anyone who has gone through this? If so, how did you cope?
If you had a similar story to my fiancé's, I would like to hear your perspective as well.

Thank you

 

[Seventeen76]

Short Answer? You're not married, so it's over. Now. Ask the people in your life who have shown the utmost love and respect for you and they would likely agree. It's painful and will be for a while, but whether he gets his act together or you find another committed man of God, a lifetime with each other AND/OR raising children together DEMANDS better and will be worth it.

Get in your bible. Get with your friends and family. Get in your church. But you need now more than ever, the conviction to be strong and demand a better man as a husband.

I read the book, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and found there to be much wisdom in the idea of courting over dating. Its also a much better protection from the temptation of sexual sin while emotional and spiritual intimacy is developing but obviously a much tougher commitment for someone who was so immersed in modern secular culture where sexual promiscuity was a fact of life.

Sin is like a drug in the sense that you are always somewhat predisposed. Even if he HAD repented and stayed faithful, there are emotional and physical issues that remain for you and him....you slightly acknowledge that in your language. Sexual Forgiveness does not remove consequence.

The fact that he even allows himself to be in a situation where temptation could strike is evidence that he is an immature, foolish young man at best...possibly narcissistic, self absorbed and possibly false faith...who is nowhere near being a husband or father. (A foolish man resists temptation, a wise man runs from it! He doesnt even put himself in its path...he avoids even the appearance of impropriety.)

The fact that you didn't see these flags and demand more means you're not quite ready. Keep working on being a strong woman of God and give yourself and your future children the love, peace and stability of having a godly father.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Hi all,

At the very beginning of my fiancé and I's relationship, he was up front and honest about his sexual history. He had anywhere between 25-30 partners whereas I have never had any. It took a lot of time, communication and prayers to move past it.

However, last night, he came clean and said that he had hooked up with one of the girl's he's still friends with now multiple times. In fact, she was at our engagement dinner and is invited to the wedding. Even though he says there's nothing between them now because he see's her as his little sister and it was 10 years ago, I'm still shocked, hurt and disappointed. It is one thing to know about his past but it's another to put an actual name and face to that person.

I just don't know what to do or where to begin to start processing all of this. It's like old wounds have opened up again and I'm trying my best to stay put together. He reassures me that he only loves me and wants me for the rest of his life. He apologized for his past and feels really bad that he didn't wait for me.

Is there anyone who has gone through this? If so, how did you cope?
If you had a similar story to my fiancé's, I would like to hear your perspective as well.

Thank you

Forgiveness is a good start. However, he has not sinned against you so that there might not be anything to forgive. At least he is being honest with you and that is a good thing. Also if he has confessed his sinful past to God and has been forgiven and cleansed, then that is a significant factor as well.

The other thing is that if and when you get married, and you are a virgin, at least he will know how to do thing right and may save a lot of messing around and distress if both of you were virgins and inexperienced. Something to think about.

 

[paul1149]

I think the root issue is how deep his extreme lifestyle change goes. If it is based on getting you, I would be very leery of trusting it, because when the thrill of marriage wears off, so too may his motivation for being monogamous. But if he is doing it from conviction before God, then I would be more apt to trust it.

Do you have the sense that you are probing to find out what's really going on? That would not be a good sign. If he has had a moral revelation truly affecting his character, I would think he would be the one leading the effort to get clean of all his past.

Be careful, and may the Lord give you His wisdom.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I think the root issue is how deep his extreme lifestyle change goes. If it is based on getting you, I would be very leery of trusting it, because when the thrill of marriage wears off, so too may his motivation for being monogamous. But if he is doing it from conviction before God, then I would be more apt to trust it.

Do you have the sense that you are probing to find out what's really going on? That would not be a good sign. If he has had a moral revelation truly affecting his character, I would think he would be the one leading the effort to get clean of all his past.

Be careful, and may the Lord give you His wisdom.

If he has confessed his past to God, then God is faithful and just to totally forgive him and totally cleanse him from all unrighteousness. If we discriminate against him, we are doing it against Christ who died for him and against God who has totally forgiven and cleansed him.

If we don't completely forgive a person whom God has forgiven and cleansed, then God might have trouble finding a reason to forgive us!

 

[paul1149]

If he has confessed his past to God, then God is faithful and just to totally forgive him and totally cleanse him from all unrighteousness. If we discriminate against him, we are doing it against Christ who died for him and against God who has totally forgiven and cleansed him.

If we don't completely forgive a person whom God has forgiven and cleansed, then God might have trouble finding a reason to forgive us!

This has nothing to do with forgiveness.

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

You said it took time, communication and prayers to deal with the original information. That’s probably what it will take again. While nothing has actually changed (it was a past action, many years back) it can feel like it has because it’s new information and it feels like pulling it into your present. But remember, it was all before you so he didn’t do it against you.

The big thing I would focus on is the fact he says he feels bad he didn’t wait for you. To me that shows not only that he regrets his past, but just how much you mean to him. He’s not trying to brush it off like it doesn’t matter, he’s kind of saying with hindsight he’d go back and abstain from it all until he got you. He also did tell you, it’s not implied you discovered it but that he revealed it which shows to me that he trusts you and respects you.

I don’t know how you process it or go forward but I do know you need to be honest and communicating (which your post suggests you are). I do hope you are able to deal with this and move forward together because you’ve not given any other indication of any other problems in your relationship. I will pray for you! And send you a hug.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

This has nothing to do with forgiveness.

The point I am making is that once God has forgiven and forgotten, there is no past as far as He is concerned. If she cannot accept that, maybe she is not forgiving or tolerant enough to be God's choice for him!

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Furthermore, I have been married for 28 years now. I was divorced, being through a number of relationships in the intervening years. She was a widow having been married for 10 years before her husband died of cancer. When we considered marriage the only thing that made her hesitant was that she did not want to have to nurse another husband with cancer and watch him slowly waste away over six months. She wasn't interested in my past before I met her, and still resists me even mentioning anything about it. When I met her, she was not my first choice for a marriage partner, but God said, "She's the one!" and that was good enough for me! When God says that, a person's past is a definite non issue.

 

[paul1149]

The point I am making is that once God has forgiven and forgotten, there is no past as far as He is concerned. If she cannot accept that, maybe she is not forgiving or tolerant enough to be God's choice for him!

Unless I missed it, the OP gave not a word on the fiance's repentance. Only that he had been honest about his behavior and had changed it. While that's good, were I in her shoes I would want to know more of the heart motivation behind the behavioral change.

You may be right, forgiveness may be an issue here. That's up to OP to decide. But I was coming at it from a trust point of view, which is what I thought she was struggling with. Both viewpoints are necessary, and the two are not the same.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Unless I missed it, the OP gave not a word on the fiance's repentance. Only that he had been honest about his behavior and had changed it. While that's good, were I in her shoes I would want to know more of the heart motivation behind the behavioral change.

You may be right, forgiveness may be an issue here. That's up to OP to decide. But I was coming at it from a trust point of view, which is what I thought she was struggling with. Both viewpoints are necessary, and the two are not the same.

I just engaged simple common-sense and assumed that because the man is a Christian believer (why would she be engaged to him if he wasn't?) he would have confessed to God before confessing to her. You see, I don't hang my common-sense on the back-door hook with my raincoat when I come to CF on my computer.

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

He apologized for his past and feels really bad that he didn't wait for me.

Unless I missed it, the OP gave not a word on the fiance's repentance. Only that he had been honest about his behavior and had changed it.

She did say he apologised to her. That could point towards repentance but I get it doesn’t expressly say that.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

After my wife and I had been married for a couple of years, one of my old flames was visiting our city and I told my wife and we both decided to invite her to dinner. It was a meaningful evening and the visitor was looked on as a family friend. There was no jealousy or conflict at all. It all depends on how secure a married couple are in their marriage whether meeting up with an old flame is going to cause problems.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Don't answer this, but had you slept with this old flame?
Her boyfriend - engaged to - has been contacting another lady not sure how many times, and this couple has only been together about a year.
She had been saving her first kiss for her wedding day, but was pressured by him not to wait any longer.
If he started sleeping with women at 18 - and now it is only about ten years later....to fit in about 25 or 30 different ones, then he has been
very careless. like three ladies a year
This one is from ten years ago, so probably one of his first ones.

I knew the person in 1982, and she came for dinner in 1992, 10 years later. Our relationship ended when I had to leave the city we were living in to go to university in another city. So we had an amicable separation and remained good friends, but lost contact with her after 1984. She confessed to me later that our relationship was one of convenience and that she was more in love with her boss than with me. But we both enjoyed the time we had together and retained mutual respect, and if I met up with her today, that respect and friendship would just be the same. God told me plainly that she was not the woman for me and if I had stayed in a relationship with her instead of going to the other city, He would not be with me. You see, not all relationships have to end up with rejection and bitterness.

But at the same time, talking about previous relationships is certainly off-limits with my wife!

 

[mspagev]

Forgiveness is a good start. However, he has not sinned against you so that there might not be anything to forgive. At least he is being honest with you and that is a good thing. Also if he has confessed his sinful past to God and has been forgiven and cleansed, then that is a significant factor as well.

The other thing is that if and when you get married, and you are a virgin, at least he will know how to do thing right and may save a lot of messing around and distress if both of you were virgins and inexperienced. Something to think about.

Thank you for your perspective!

 

[Tomm]

Hi all,

At the very beginning of my fiancé and I's relationship, he was up front and honest about his sexual history. He had anywhere between 25-30 partners whereas I have never had any. It took a lot of time, communication and prayers to move past it.

However, last night, he came clean and said that he had hooked up with one of the girl's he's still friends with now multiple times. In fact, she was at our engagement dinner and is invited to the wedding. Even though he says there's nothing between them now because he see's her as his little sister and it was 10 years ago, I'm still shocked, hurt and disappointed. It is one thing to know about his past but it's another to put an actual name and face to that person.

I just don't know what to do or where to begin to start processing all of this. It's like old wounds have opened up again and I'm trying my best to stay put together. He reassures me that he only loves me and wants me for the rest of his life. He apologized for his past and feels really bad that he didn't wait for me.

Is there anyone who has gone through this? If so, how did you cope?
If you had a similar story to my fiancé's, I would like to hear your perspective as well.

Thank you

Girls are partly to blame -- some girls are dressing like prostitutes these days. What Christian girls can do to protect themselves? Start dressing modestly.

Why??

• dressing immodestly really does not help a girl to find good husband. The opposite is true. Men have no respect for girls dressing like prostitutes deep down in their hearts. If there is no respect, there's no love;
• dressing immodestly encourages sexual assault;
• moreover if you dress immodestly you are setting a bad example. When others follow suit they would in turn lure your own boyfriend (or husband).