High expectations

[c1ners]

What are some of the standards that you parents expect from your teenagers?

After seeing my daughter this weekend I feel like the expectations from the people taking care of her are way too high. But than again, maybe I just haven't been expecting enough out of her.

Here are a few of my expectations:
1. Have manners, especially to parents and elderly.
2. Keep yourself clean and orderly
3. Keep God 1st
4. No lying, stealing or cheating
5. Go to school. Work as hard as you can, and make the best grades that you can.
6. Do your chores and your homework.
7. Mind what me and her father tell her with no back talking.

There's probably more. That's just all I can come with right this minute. What are some expectations that you have for your teen?

 

[icbeckyc]

That pretty much says it all.

 

[lawtonfogle]

What are some of the standards that you parents expect from your teenagers?

After seeing my daughter this weekend I feel like the expectations from the people taking care of her are way too high. But than again, maybe I just haven't been expecting enough out of her.

Here are a few of my expectations:
1. Have manners, especially to parents and elderly.
2. Keep yourself clean and orderly
3. Keep God 1st
4. No lying, stealing or cheating
5. Go to school. Work as hard as you can, and make the best grades that you can.
6. Do your chores and your homework.
7. Mind what me and her father tell her with no back talking.

There's probably more. That's just all I can come with right this minute. What are some expectations that you have for your teen?

To follow your own advice, maybe 1. and 3. need to be switched...


Also, for a teenager, I would say number 7 is a little off. I understand the no back talking, but room for discussion, at least after the fact when their is time for discussion, is needed. If you tell your teens just to do (or not do) something and not why, they may end up disobeying you where if they knew the reasons for you choices, they would not.

 

[cavymom]

You HAVE to have expectations for your teenager or they will get lost, the balance is pushing them a little but not too much. You should push them in an encouraging way and congratulate them when they do well. Those rules all sounded nice to me. Those types of rules show that thae teenager has respect for others as well as themself.

 

[c1ners]

I guess my real question is this:

Is it right to expect too much from a child?
Will expecting too much do a child harm?

For those who don't know, I had to send my 15 year old daughter to live with her step sister in another State.
There are a couple things that I just don't agree with, and think are a little too hard on my daughter.

1. She can not go out of the house without being dressed properly, her hair done perfectly, and make up.
My step daughter says that she has an image to give, and she wants her giving the right one.
On the dressing issue: My daughter never dressed provocatively. Sometimes she would go to the store or school in sweat pants and a tee shirt, but her sister will not allow this. She also used to wear no make up. Now she has to wear it. Make up IMO is not good for your face. It gives off a faulse image, and I just don't like it.

2. They get angry with her for not being a social butterfly. They've picked all her friends, and won't allow her to associate with someone who they think doesn't fit in to their social expectations.
I've taught my daughter to love everyone. That no one is better than anyone else. I'm so afraid that she is going to start looking down on those less fortunate than her.

3. She always has to "smile" when out in public.
This is another fake issue to me. She is going through a very rough time right now, and she doesn't need to be pretending. She needs to let certain people know that she is hurting inside. I've read things of hers that tell of how she goes to bed and cries herself to sleep at night because she is hurting so badly. But she has no one to talk to about it! I think this is only hurting her worse

4. Perfection. My step daughter and her husband expect her to be perfect at what ever she does.
They have her taking dance and baton lessons. My daughter has never even held a baton before, but they expect her to do just as well as the majorites. And if she's not, they either get angry at her, or make fun. Same with dance.
I think that activities should be done for fun, and they should be enjoyed.

I'm really grateful to them for accepting the responsibility of taking care of her this year, but sometimes I think it's doing her more harm than good.

I'm the one who sent her away. I'm the one who will not allow her to come home because I know she'll be right back in the same situation she was in before she left, but I just don't agree with so many things. And shouldn't I have a say so in the matter?
Shouldn't I be able to say "No, you're being too hard on her" or "I don't agree with that"?

I sent her away for her own well being, not because I don't love her, but because I do love her. Now I don't even feel like I'm her mom anymore, and that hurts more than having to send her away did.

I guess I'm just venting again. No one really has to respond. I just miss my daughter, and I wish there was an easy solution to this delimma. I just wish I knew without doubt that I'm doing the right thing.

Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent. And God Bless you all. I pray that all of your children are good, and that no one ever has to go through what I'm having to go through.

 

[TrustingmyLord]

c1ners, you and I have a few very strange things in common.

My husband had a daughter when he was a teen, things happened and the girls parents adopted the baby. My husband and I got together a short time later, and we had wanted to adopt her. They wouldnt let us. We have kept in touch a bit over the years, met her once. We now have 3 daughters of our own.

14 years later there they are... they have BIG problems with her. Dressing trashy, drugs drinking, sex, angry outbursts. Running away,stealing, cussing out teachers...

They did not tell us all of this. They wanted her to come live with us, temporarily, to help get her away from her situation. They mentioned they wanted to get her away from a few "bad friends". We found out pretty quickly the extent of her problems. It was an absolute nightmare. She ran away. We found her and got her a plane ticket home. It was too much.

Heres the deal, they seem to have NO rules whatsoever for this girl. NONE. She totally rules the roost. We, on the other hand, appeared to the girl to be the strictest parents on the planet.

She followed the same rules as our girls. Our oldest is 13, just a little younger, we did find out we had to make new rules too though, like no stealing. (Didnt have to have that one before, our kids just knew better.)

Some of our rules were..

No makeup till 16. (My husband feels strongly on this.)
No going places alone.
No dressing half naked.
Bedtimes.

Pretty basic, but very different for her. I had worried that the grandparents might not agree with out rules. They did think some of it was too strict, but for the most part they just wanted us to help her in any way possible.


These rules you state sound ridiculous. You cannot expect perfection from anyone! Expecting too much is a big bad thing. It can make a kid feel defeated, feel like they cant do anything right and that they will never be as good as they should be.

Will having too high of standards hurt a child. YES!!!
Keep in mind that our "high standards" we expected of my stepdaughter were basic stuff having to do with character and integrity. Dont lie, dont steal, dont sleep around. These are a diferent kind of high standard.

Having high expectations is one thing, but kids are going to screw up, they will fail here and there. There is a big difference between rebelling against the rules and screwing up on accident. No kid should get in trouble for mess ups. Even if its an intentional one and they must get in trouble, it can be done with love and needs to be done in such a way to where the child still feels worthy.

This whole thing about smiling in public and being a social buterfly, while at first glance, these things seem totally crazy! What kid should get in trouble for not smiling???

BUT.... when my stepdaughter was here and we went places she didnt want to go... she would put on her "attitude. She would stand with arms crossed, making it obvious she was unhappy. She did this for attention. In hindsight, I should have made a rule about smiling! LOL

Yes, you should have say so. I was very careful to explain "our ways" to the grandmother and I did have worries she wouldnt agree. You are the parent and you have a right to discuss these things with them, but I think you need to make sure that you do it in such a way that will not undermine their authority. You did ask for their help, yes, but they need to talk about this with you and you definitely have say so!

I really feel for you, this must be so hard. If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me.

Its kinda neat that we both have faced the same situation, yet on opposite ends.

 

[c1ners]

c1ners, you and I have a few very strange things in common.

My husband had a daughter when he was a teen, things happened and the girls parents adopted the baby. My husband and I got together a short time later, and we had wanted to adopt her. They wouldnt let us. We have kept in touch a bit over the years, met her once. We now have 3 daughters of our own.

14 years later there they are... they have BIG problems with her. Dressing trashy, drugs drinking, sex, angry outbursts. Running away,stealing, cussing out teachers...

They did not tell us all of this. They wanted her to come live with us, temporarily, to help get her away from her situation. They mentioned they wanted to get her away from a few "bad friends". We found out pretty quickly the extent of her problems. It was an absolute nightmare. She ran away. We found her and got her a plane ticket home. It was too much.

Heres the deal, they seem to have NO rules whatsoever for this girl. NONE. She totally rules the roost. We, on the other hand, appeared to the girl to be the strictest parents on the planet.

She followed the same rules as our girls. Our oldest is 13, just a little younger, we did find out we had to make new rules too though, like no stealing. (Didnt have to have that one before, our kids just knew better.)

Some of our rules were..

No makeup till 16. (My husband feels strongly on this.)
No going places alone.
No dressing half naked.
Bedtimes.

Pretty basic, but very different for her. I had worried that the grandparents might not agree with out rules. They did think some of it was too strict, but for the most part they just wanted us to help her in any way possible.


These rules you state sound ridiculous. You cannot expect perfection from anyone! Expecting too much is a big bad thing. It can make a kid feel defeated, feel like they cant do anything right and that they will never be as good as they should be.

Will having too high of standards hurt a child. YES!!!
Keep in mind that our "high standards" we expected of my stepdaughter were basic stuff having to do with character and integrity. Dont lie, dont steal, dont sleep around. These are a diferent kind of high standard.

Having high expectations is one thing, but kids are going to screw up, they will fail here and there. There is a big difference between rebelling against the rules and screwing up on accident. No kid should get in trouble for mess ups. Even if its an intentional one and they must get in trouble, it can be done with love and needs to be done in such a way to where the child still feels worthy.

This whole thing about smiling in public and being a social buterfly, while at first glance, these things seem totally crazy! What kid should get in trouble for not smiling???

BUT.... when my stepdaughter was here and we went places she didnt want to go... she would put on her "attitude. She would stand with arms crossed, making it obvious she was unhappy. She did this for attention. In hindsight, I should have made a rule about smiling! LOL

Yes, you should have say so. I was very careful to explain "our ways" to the grandmother and I did have worries she wouldnt agree. You are the parent and you have a right to discuss these things with them, but I think you need to make sure that you do it in such a way that will not undermine their authority. You did ask for their help, yes, but they need to talk about this with you and you definitely have say so!

I really feel for you, this must be so hard. If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me.

Its kinda neat that we both have faced the same situation, yet on opposite ends.

Thank you. It's so hard not knowing what the right thing to do for her is. I feel like such a failure as a parent.All I want is to be able to do the right thing for her right now, and I just don't know what that is.

On a brighter note....I get to go see her next month! We're having a family reunion, and my husband said we could take a few extra days to go see her! I'm so excited. I've been having dreams at night of her begging me to please let her come back home. Of her actually saying "I love you mommy, and I'm sorry for everything I've put you through. I promise I'll be good for now."

I know it's just a dream, but it sure would be nice if I could bring her back home with me and put this nightmare behind us.

Thank you once again for your reply. My daughter really is a good girl. She just got involved with the wrong crowd. But if I hadn't of sent her away, she probably would have turned up like your husbands oldest daughter. That's the path she was heading towards anyhow.

 

[Edelweiss4Life]

I have well adjusted kids,I have seen them through a great crisis in our family with a major accident and my expectations is this: respect others and yourself. That is it.

 

[LovesToRead]

I haven't faced anything like your situation.

But, YOU are still her mother and so OF COURSE you have a say in what goes on with her.

I'd say you need to sit down with them and have a chat about expectations. Perfection isn't something any of us can achieve. EVER.

Is it out of the question for her to come back before the end of the school year? I mean, the year has just started...or maybe it's not the actual school year you're talking about.

I think it's important for her to know you're on her side. I know I couldn't (and wouldn't want to) live up to their expectations and I'm a grown-up. But I don't always look perfect when I go out the door and I almost never wear make-up. Come on!

And I don't twirl a baton, either!

 

[texseeker]

This is a tough call, as I try to look at it from both points of view. I agree that some of their expectations seem ridiculous, but then again, it would be hard to be critical of how they do things, when they have been good enough to take her in this year. Some of what they expect sounds like some of the moms I have seen on "Wife Swap"

I would be careful about how you respond to these things when discussing it with your daughter, as it would not be fair to undermine their authority. I don't see why you couldn't tell her that you understand that their way of doing things is so different, but out of respect for them and their household, to try to cooperate as much as possible. Of course, no one should have to cooperate with any immoral expectations.

Going to see her in their environment might really help you see what is going on from your own perspective. If you decide it is a bad atmosphere for her, then I guess you'll have no choice but to either bring her back home or see if you can persuade them to "loosen up" a little on certain points. Then again, you may decide that their expectations are not quite as drastic as she has described.

Praying that it works out for everyone involved

 

[JulySheMustFly]

The forcing fakeness would bother me but at the same time it may be forcing her toward a more respecting crowd of students. Just a thought.

The baton thing is good in theory. Maybe they should have let her pick the activity but atleast she is involved in something time consuming and regimented. I wholy admit that had it not been for the sports teams I was on I would have been a really bad kid. I was only moderately bad as an athlete.

Praying the change that you desired occurs this year. Maybe the strictness of it all is what she needed to re-align and work out who she is and how she needs to live.

Oh, and hun you are not a failure as a parent. You took action to keep her from harm. Also keep in mind, she very well may be feeling like a failure as a daughter as much as you feel like a failure as a parent. I know that was how I felt with my mom. I only found out later that I made my mom feel so much hurt during that time.
*hugs*