Here comes warm weather...and my heart breaks!

[straightforward]

My husband and I have been together for 3 yrs. I remember the first time we went to Cedar Point (an amusement park in Ohio)...I was so happy to finally be one of those couples holding each other in line the rest of the world was non-existant it was just him and me (that was my idea of real love when I was a kid). The second (and last) time we went was one of the worst experiences in my life...his eyes were on every girl that went by...I was standing right next to him feeling like chopped liver and feeling embarassed that I couldn't keep his attention. Now I am afraid to go out with him when the weather gets warm and if I do I'm uptight and he doesn't understand why.

Do guys just not understand how this can hurt a woman to the core of her soul? Why can't I be loved like I love. I do not look at other men because I have the one I want for the rest of my life.

He says he's not looking...but I see him. He says it's not lust...but I have seen the look in his eye, I've heard his breathing change, (while watching tv) I have even heard his heart race. I've tried to talk to him about putting up "hedges" around our marriage...but then he says I'm accusing him. I don't argue about it anymore but my heart breaks when it happens and of course my countenance changes! All I get from him is "what's wrong?"...how can he not know? I've seen him look and then look to see if I'm watching him and then look at the girls longer. If it were just one look and then looking away...I would trust (even women do that kind of thing just like a reaction to skin or something). He says that this is a trust issue and that I just don't trust him to keep his marriage vow to me...but in Mattew Jesus said that to look on a woman in lust is as bad as committing adultery.

I just keep praying that God speaks to him...but I'm tired...I want to be free from this pain. I will NEVER leave him and the "d" word is simply not part of my vocabulary.

Has anyone else been through this and is there any way of getting past this pain without becoming numb (which in my case, in the past, has to do with plenty of alchohol!)? When I become numb it doesn't hurt anymore...but I know it means not being able to give the love I need to. My sister and I talk about this, as she goes through the same thing with her husband on a grander scale because he is not christian and is into porn, and we wonder if men have any clue how much this hurts...do they even think about it...can they? I go on by giving it up to the lord as often as I can and forgiving even though I know it will happen over and over again. I just need to know if anyone out there feels or has felt the same thing...and if so what recourse, if any, is there? I put this in the couples and marriage ministry because I wan't to hear from both husbands and wives...I don't want to just gripe about men.

 

 

[GREG]

TRUTH........... Men sometimes don't think. We tend to look around the one we love and not directly at them. Lookin at others can be a reaction that can be controlled. Pray about it.

 

[OneFish]

Well, guess I don't really belong in this forum but .... Yea I see it all the time. Even as a single guy I notice when other guys are walking with their girl and have their heads turned plum sideways, almost backwards gawking at some other girl. I usually just shake my head at them and keep on walking. I agree with Greg, it can be controlled. It takes work and a heart change but eventually becomes a non issue as your perception of women changes. I have even gone through the work and the heart change even though I have no significant other to offend, but that’s just because I was convicted by my own behavior. Your hubby will have to want the heart change of course, so pray for the holy spirit to convict him. Since I gather you hubby is a Christian, prayer may be the best way .... especially if you pray this out loud when you are praying together at the end of the day

As for you, I can tell this hurts you deeply and for that I am truly sorry. I wonder about my brothers out there some times. I mean really, is this behavior really showing your lady how much you value her. R

Anyhow, right now I will lift up a quick prayer for peace for you and a little unrest and conviction in your husbands spirit on this issue.

 

God Bless You!

 

[Camebk4God]

Greg is right but I would like to further what he said. We just dont think. Lots of times we act on the impulses that we have, both men and women. I dont know your husband and I cant say he would do more then look, but I know that every man has looked no matter how high and mighty they are, we fall and women are usually what we fall to. I am still very young and am now going through a divorce. We were together 7 years and married for one and a half. I lusted many times after other women and wished so bad that I could act upon them, I believed in God but did not practice it in any way. Well my selfishness and lustfulness are what ended the marriage, there is always two sides but I had a large hand in it. I hate to say it but you cant stop him from looking he doesnt get why it upsets you because in his mind he's not doing anything wrong. I can tell you that if there is a lack of trust developing or already existing then things are going to start to break down at a very fast pace, I have seen it and witnessed it personaly. I do know how you feel, women have this uncanny way of not only showing us they care but making us believe it to, and for the most part we as men do exploit that. I would like to strangle some of the men I see headed down my path, slap them and tell them they are killing their wife little by little breaking their spirit, something that is so very hard to be repaired once it is shattered. I feel for you and I pray for your husband that is what he needs. I realize how hard it is to leave it at that, we as men dont know what we have until its gone, and with women more often then not when it's gone it doesnt come back, to much pain and hurt keeps them from taking that chance again. Dont let the resentment eat at you it will make it worse on the both of you, you can only take so much till you say to yourself I give up, no more, the simple fact that you say the "d" word is not in your vocab is a huge statement, remember you said that.
Now my sister in the Lord, God has set forth a path for you that will only lead you in the right direction, he never will send you astray, with much love and compassion you must slowly take back your husband you will not be alone in your journey, you are are surrounded with angels, we call them friends, and prayers that fall on the ears of our savior the being that was once a man and still the one God. He walks beside you and lights the path, one foot in front of the other and as your path narrows his love will grow stronger and your faith with waiver but will not fall, you stumble he picks you up, and will carry you when you need it. Now rise up and spread the good news in your heart. God will never turn on us even if we turn on him, everlasting love and the God of Restoration, scream his name and praise his wonders, he will work through you and around you, your eyes are now open, you can see clearly and you can be set free, you are guilty of no crimes or sins the lord has tried you and dimissed all charges, but strong in your faith and no matter the outcome you will be greatly rewarded for your stance.
God be with you always in your journey do not give up on him or your husband.

Warrior Poet

 

[mixaleena]

Father, help us all who are married and have experienced the pain of our spouses attention directed at everything but us. In Jesus' name.

God is always faithful. That is the one and only thing that has kept me feeling alright about my situation. I won't get into it here.
A book called 'Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time Stephen Arterburn, Mike Yorkey, Fred Stoeker' helped my husband through his situation. (although, no offense, it sounds as though your husband is having a pride issue and pushing you to the limits is definately not a display of love.)

As for me, God has helped me with my situation, but to be honest I still haven't dealt with it completely. (I didn't/don't have anyone to discuss it with as I was a new Christian and all my friends had shunned me.) The only comfort I have is knowing that God is here for me. That Jesus will focus his full attention on me whenever I need it.

I don't know how encouraging this post is, and I considered not posting it. But I figured you will know that other women experience the same thing and feel the same hurt that you do.

Mixee.

 

[seebs]

So far as I can tell, the pulse rate thing and such are just biology; don't blame your husband for having a human body. Instinctive biological reactions aren't lust, they're just part of the experience of having a body.

Don't worry so much. Sometimes, when someone does something that hurts you, it's thoughtless; sometimes it's your own sensitivities that are at issue. I have a friend who's constantly worrying that people don't like her - the only thing that bugs us is that she's always watching tiny little movements and behaviors and drawing conclusions from them, so she's sort of paranoid. It's very frustrating. She's always seeing sex where there isn't any; she's never understood that people can see someone as attractive, and not plan to do anything about it.

 

[pete5]

Have you talked to your husband about how this is changing the way you see him, and how it is hurting your relationship?

It is easy for a guy to hear that a "that's just her being sensitive" instead of "if this keeps on going she is going to find it very hard to love me"

Make sure he knows that you love him, and you want to love him more, but that he is making it difficult.

and pray. can you pray with him about it?

I'm praying for you too

 

[straightforward]

Thank you all for your prayers...they all lift up my soul to the Most High. I know that this is something between God and my husband. I pray for him to be strong. That's also why I don't nag him about it...I pray the Spirit does that for me!

I have heard of the book you meantioned, Mixaleena, but when I first told my husband about it he took my suggesting it as a personal attack so I haven't dared to bring it up again. I have told him, in the past, how it makes me feel ,Pete,...it was summed up as my being over-sensitive. Thing is...I remember when it wasn't that way and I truely want that back. I haven't 'nagged' about it because I don't want it to hurt our marriage.

Seebs...I concede that every person goes through the initial biological response, yes even women...but the idea is to turn away from it...to stop the stimulis. When I'm driving down the street and my eye sees a buff guy walking down the road...I turn my head away. The first look is impulse...the second is lack of self control. I will not get upset with my husband for a natural response...but when he continues to look, choosing to be tempted, that is where my heart hurts.

Yes, Camebk4God, I did say that the "d" word is not in my vocabulary and I will never forget. This is the second marriage for both my husband and I. We had both been through 'marriages made by man' in the past that fell through because of a lack of commitment (in both instances it was the other spouse who decided on leaving it...mine for alcohol and his for another guy). We truely believe that THIS marriage is made by God (we didn't know Him all that much when we were married the first time). We weren't even looking for each other when God put us together. I wouldn't end my commitment with God on this one to save my life! I certainly won't let the imperfection of man ruin what the Lord has given. I will always remember that this has been a second chance, not just for me and my husband but for the kids that we have that didn't get an intact family in the first marriages and are still healing from that! (we have custody of all three) Let alone that we have a two year old who is relying on us to keep this marriage right! I have learned the importance of 'mom and dad'. We both have a connection to each other that we have never had before with anyone else. Even if he cheated on me I would never loose sight of God in this marriage. I pray for protection of this marriage in that way because I know satan would like nothing more than to destroy what is good.

I just keep handing it over to God and remembering that I am in His hand. Any pain I feel just brings me closer to Him somehow and that is good. If anything has come out of this it would be that! I was always one to try to work it out myself first and use prayer as a last resort...this is one of those situations that makes it clear what my role is as a wife and a child of God. although I can do nothing, physically, about the situation...I can pray. Thus, it is not my power it is Gods that will work this out or help me cope!
Thank You all for your prayers and support.