- Aug 21, 2009
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Ok to begin with stop now if you don't have time for a very very long story. Don't say anything if you can't be positive... i can't handle anything negative at the moment, and i get enough of that from my family...
Right now as the title states i need some help here... I'm lost, confused afraid and in so much pain, and have no clue how to deal with any of it.... so lets start from the beginning.... (yes this is in regards to a relationship, but i feal i should set down all the background on this...)
In my life i have had everyone turn their backs on me leave me and just generally stab me in the back... even my own family had at one point wanted nothing to do with me. Over time i simply decided to shut my emotions out completely. I had done so to the point where you could have slaughtered everyone i knew in front of me and it wouldn't have phased me one bit, i would have made the perfect spy or assassin i guess.... this was a state i was in for most of my life, i never knew how to deal with emotional pain or fear, so i just forgot them completely... sure i could act pretty well, no one ever seemed to notice that i know longer felt anything. I did the normal thing i dated got in relationships made friends stayed in touch with family, i laughed i joked i claimed to be angry, i acted sad... but i never felt it. Relationships ended it didn't bother me, they weren't real anyways as i always spent them trying to convince myself i liked her or trying to think if i could even see myself being married to her... i never could... i couldn't even cry though i tried when family members died i tried when relationships ended. i never could, though i tried, that was the one act i couldn't pretend. Over time i came to the conclusion i couldn't even pretend to be in a dating or any form of romantic relationship, i had sworn off them... i was done, i quit.
Then i left to visit family at their new home in a new city. While i was there my brother dragged me to his college christian group. While their i was introduced to many new faces and saw many new people. At one point i saw an amazingly beautiful face. I did the typical she's cute, probably taken and i don't even stand a chance anyways even if she isn't, and then i tagged on the fact i had given up relationships anyways and just like that i gave up any thought of even attempting anything, i really was done trying she was out of my mind like that in an instant, i wasn't ever gonna see her face again, i was leaving later that week anyways.
The next day we were supposed to pick my dad up at the airport one city over. We were going to see the king tut exhibit while we were there, and we had extra seats so my mom told my brother he could invite some friends to come along. So he posted the invite on FB. Two of his friends decided to go, and she happened to be one of them, the girl i was never supposed to see again, the girl i was making no effort to even communicate with i had no imagined 'how would i do things, or what if this happened' scenarios in my head nothing. During the drive up many conversations came up in the car between people. One was on relationships. She had herself decided she was done with relationships... she couldn't handle commitment and was absolutely never going to get married...
While we were at the king tut exhibit it was immensely crowded. Everyone got seperated almost instantly. Next thing i realized she was standing next to me lookin at the display and we figured 'hey familiar face lets stick together through this.' We had a good time goin through the exhibit and went on to see other exhibits after wards. Eventually my mom started freaking out having no clue where any one was, so this girl said "Hey lets go meet your mom before she freaks out." Me being me and spending time with the sort of people i spent time with i reflexively threw a joke out, a joke that meant nothing. "Normally i take a girl out on a date before she meets my mom." Her reply was that i had never asked, to which i said "How about it." absolutely reflexively, also knowing she would say no based on the conversation i had heard in the car... Instead i heard "Ok." for the first time in over 13 years i felt something, then it was just a quick bout of shock and surprise. Looking back on it i had no idea at the time but that was the first time i had ever felt a feeling other than pure blankness since i had decided to quit feeling.
After our first date i realized something. Something both shocking and overwhelming. I was head over heals, i was feeling a thousand feelings at once, something both amazing and scary all at once. She later told me it was the first perfect date she had ever been on... not just for a first date but for any date.... since when does that ever happen on a first date right...
Over the next two days i did a lot of thinking, i thought over every last angle every detail... i left nothing out. And i came to a conclusion. Me being me once i make a decision i have always stuck to it, as i never make them lightly, it takes a lot of time of thinking and i mean a lot. My conclusion was this: for the first time in my life i didn't have to convince myself i loved someone... i knew with out a doubt i loved her and cared about her more than anything this world could ever give... and she was the one and only person i would ever marry... if not her, than none at all... so that night i gave to her what i had been saving, my whole life through multiple relationships, for the girl i would marry... my first kiss.
Things happened very quickly we were both head over heals in love, absolute true love.... that's not the sort of thing you see every day, but there it was right in front of my eyes. Our heads were spinning in shock and surprise. We realized things were happening to fast and agreed to slow things down. Things still happened quickly though and every day our feelings got stronger than ever. We both knew we wanted to make this work through everything no matter what to make us work. Neither of us believed in long distance relationships, but we knew that was what it would be and we were still willing to make it work through every hardship and trouble. If we could make it through that from the start we could make it through anything.... And we did make it work... somehow despite everything we loved each other all the more. Sure we had a few fights and arguments but who doesn't... and i guess it being about me wanting to always protect her and her not wanting me to as i would then myself be in danger isn't the worst thing you can argue about...
Just recently the Air Force decided to send me to a new base. I figured i would drive up and stop to visit family on my way up. So i did also knowing i would get to see her as she would also be visiting family at that time.... It was supposed to be an amazing week... i was beyond happy. I knew that simply hearing her voice, seeing her face or just being in the same room as her always made everything better, and here i would get all of those. I was without a doubt the happiest man alive. We watched a movie enjoyed each others company, kissed, hugged, just sat together and snuggled, apart from the times where i had to step out... i knew i was about ready to lose control so i had to knowing i couldn't let that happen... i loved her to much for that. It was an amazing day together. I was happy. And i knew i would get to see her again in another two days time at the college christian group.
We met up there and it started. The whole thing was on relationships. I though good, hopefully this can help us make things better, surely there are things i could change for this to last, for me to do what was right. The guest speakers spoke of how when they had first met they were simply friends, and over time they realized they wanted to be more than friends but they weren't ready, so they remained friends checking back every once in a while to see if they were ready, and one day they eventually were and they started dating... that night i could tell something was bothering her but i don't think even she knew what it was at the time when i asked. After she left i hoped she would be doing better when i saw her the next day... instead everything crashed down around me....
She told me we needed to take some time away from each other, stop dating, stop everything romantic, so we could fix up our lives before we moved forward. I was devastated. In my mind despite everything she said about us not being over, or broken up i heard her say it was over, she was leaving me in the dark like everyone else in my life always had. The next day we spoke to a counselor together at which he mediated between us helping to understand that the different words we used meant such vastly different things to each of us in this situation, and our different backgrounds vastly effected how we reacted to this and how we saw it. I was beginning to realize that maybe it wasn't over maybe she really meant it when she said that when she put the ring on the table. I was devastated more than i had already thought i could be, it was like a thousand knives in the chest. And then we left. I sat in my car and for the first time in over 10 years i cried... i cried for over an hour before i could even turn the car on to go home... We talked online that night as she tried to tell me it wasn't over. But everything still sounded the same to me... it was over.... I said i couldn't keep the ring, she told me to wear it around my neck until she came back for it because she would come back for it. She asked to hold onto my jacket to which i replied 'why?' she told me she still wanted something of mine to hold onto and she liked how i smelled and it still smelled like me. I told her smells fade over time to which she asked to trade it for another one of my jackets when it did....
I still felt it was over i couldn't see any other way.... i was ready to run back to the rain forests to hide, to get away from everything... to disappear. I was in the process of buying the tickets... i was going to file for bankruptcy so my family wouldn't be left with my bills... I was going to leave the next day.... no one would know i had left no one would find me... the AF would have marked me as AWOL and i probably wouldn't have been able to return for years... but i didn't care i wanted to go to the one place i had left that made me feel at peace the only place aside from next to her that made anything better... i was going to leave her some contact info... she'd be able to contact me maybe once a year or so... just in case by some miracle she ever wanted me back... not that i thought that would ever happen.... it was over after all, right.... She told me not to ruin my life like that but i didn't care... it was my life not hers anymore why should she even care... and to me it was living a life that i wouldn't mind... it was doing something that i kinda always wanted to do anyways.... she told me that would make ever having a relationship again difficult as she had plans for a political future... i didn't see why that would matter as i told her so... to which for the first time ever she flat out said something she had never so matter of factually said before: "Because i want to marry you someday..."
Perhaps that should have told me enough then, i mean it shocked me but still my mind read it as being over... That night for the second time in over 10 years i cried.... i cried myself to sleep... i woke up early because the sound of my own crying woke me up... i mean who the heck cries in their sleep right.... i cried for another 3 hours after i woke up.... i packed my stuff, she asked me to stop by so i did to say goodbye... those hugs felt more painful than a shattered hand, or a dozen deep cuts... they felt like the last ones i would ever get.... I drove out as nothing more than an emotional wreck, she told me i was not allowed to shut my emotions down again.... not that i could at that point even if i'd tried....
I have talked to many friends on this, i have cried myself to sleep every night since, and woken up crying multiple times... everyone keeps telling me it's not over, they could all tell it was and still is something real... maybe i'm starting to finally believe that, and i still hurt so incredibly much... and the only way i know to cope with the pain is to love her even more the more it hurts... I get to verbally speak to her for 30 min on Wednesdays and text for 2 hrs on Monday and 2 hrs on Friday... aside from that only emergencies.... i guess it's to keep us from ending up going to fast again and just landing back where we were.... we will check back every two months to see if we are ready yet to move forward in our relationship.... i still think this whole thing is crazy, i still have the fear that i'm losing her.... but without a doubt i still know she is the only one i will marry... and i still hurt... so maybe i will finally get to marry her or instead i'll get lost in the rain forests... i don't know what i do know is this... i'm scared, in pain... lost confused, and so incredibly afraid...
So as the title speaks i am desperatly in need of Help, Advice, Support and Prayers.... so please if you have the time it would be greatly appreciated... thank you...
Right now as the title states i need some help here... I'm lost, confused afraid and in so much pain, and have no clue how to deal with any of it.... so lets start from the beginning.... (yes this is in regards to a relationship, but i feal i should set down all the background on this...)
In my life i have had everyone turn their backs on me leave me and just generally stab me in the back... even my own family had at one point wanted nothing to do with me. Over time i simply decided to shut my emotions out completely. I had done so to the point where you could have slaughtered everyone i knew in front of me and it wouldn't have phased me one bit, i would have made the perfect spy or assassin i guess.... this was a state i was in for most of my life, i never knew how to deal with emotional pain or fear, so i just forgot them completely... sure i could act pretty well, no one ever seemed to notice that i know longer felt anything. I did the normal thing i dated got in relationships made friends stayed in touch with family, i laughed i joked i claimed to be angry, i acted sad... but i never felt it. Relationships ended it didn't bother me, they weren't real anyways as i always spent them trying to convince myself i liked her or trying to think if i could even see myself being married to her... i never could... i couldn't even cry though i tried when family members died i tried when relationships ended. i never could, though i tried, that was the one act i couldn't pretend. Over time i came to the conclusion i couldn't even pretend to be in a dating or any form of romantic relationship, i had sworn off them... i was done, i quit.
Then i left to visit family at their new home in a new city. While i was there my brother dragged me to his college christian group. While their i was introduced to many new faces and saw many new people. At one point i saw an amazingly beautiful face. I did the typical she's cute, probably taken and i don't even stand a chance anyways even if she isn't, and then i tagged on the fact i had given up relationships anyways and just like that i gave up any thought of even attempting anything, i really was done trying she was out of my mind like that in an instant, i wasn't ever gonna see her face again, i was leaving later that week anyways.
The next day we were supposed to pick my dad up at the airport one city over. We were going to see the king tut exhibit while we were there, and we had extra seats so my mom told my brother he could invite some friends to come along. So he posted the invite on FB. Two of his friends decided to go, and she happened to be one of them, the girl i was never supposed to see again, the girl i was making no effort to even communicate with i had no imagined 'how would i do things, or what if this happened' scenarios in my head nothing. During the drive up many conversations came up in the car between people. One was on relationships. She had herself decided she was done with relationships... she couldn't handle commitment and was absolutely never going to get married...
While we were at the king tut exhibit it was immensely crowded. Everyone got seperated almost instantly. Next thing i realized she was standing next to me lookin at the display and we figured 'hey familiar face lets stick together through this.' We had a good time goin through the exhibit and went on to see other exhibits after wards. Eventually my mom started freaking out having no clue where any one was, so this girl said "Hey lets go meet your mom before she freaks out." Me being me and spending time with the sort of people i spent time with i reflexively threw a joke out, a joke that meant nothing. "Normally i take a girl out on a date before she meets my mom." Her reply was that i had never asked, to which i said "How about it." absolutely reflexively, also knowing she would say no based on the conversation i had heard in the car... Instead i heard "Ok." for the first time in over 13 years i felt something, then it was just a quick bout of shock and surprise. Looking back on it i had no idea at the time but that was the first time i had ever felt a feeling other than pure blankness since i had decided to quit feeling.
After our first date i realized something. Something both shocking and overwhelming. I was head over heals, i was feeling a thousand feelings at once, something both amazing and scary all at once. She later told me it was the first perfect date she had ever been on... not just for a first date but for any date.... since when does that ever happen on a first date right...
Over the next two days i did a lot of thinking, i thought over every last angle every detail... i left nothing out. And i came to a conclusion. Me being me once i make a decision i have always stuck to it, as i never make them lightly, it takes a lot of time of thinking and i mean a lot. My conclusion was this: for the first time in my life i didn't have to convince myself i loved someone... i knew with out a doubt i loved her and cared about her more than anything this world could ever give... and she was the one and only person i would ever marry... if not her, than none at all... so that night i gave to her what i had been saving, my whole life through multiple relationships, for the girl i would marry... my first kiss.
Things happened very quickly we were both head over heals in love, absolute true love.... that's not the sort of thing you see every day, but there it was right in front of my eyes. Our heads were spinning in shock and surprise. We realized things were happening to fast and agreed to slow things down. Things still happened quickly though and every day our feelings got stronger than ever. We both knew we wanted to make this work through everything no matter what to make us work. Neither of us believed in long distance relationships, but we knew that was what it would be and we were still willing to make it work through every hardship and trouble. If we could make it through that from the start we could make it through anything.... And we did make it work... somehow despite everything we loved each other all the more. Sure we had a few fights and arguments but who doesn't... and i guess it being about me wanting to always protect her and her not wanting me to as i would then myself be in danger isn't the worst thing you can argue about...
Just recently the Air Force decided to send me to a new base. I figured i would drive up and stop to visit family on my way up. So i did also knowing i would get to see her as she would also be visiting family at that time.... It was supposed to be an amazing week... i was beyond happy. I knew that simply hearing her voice, seeing her face or just being in the same room as her always made everything better, and here i would get all of those. I was without a doubt the happiest man alive. We watched a movie enjoyed each others company, kissed, hugged, just sat together and snuggled, apart from the times where i had to step out... i knew i was about ready to lose control so i had to knowing i couldn't let that happen... i loved her to much for that. It was an amazing day together. I was happy. And i knew i would get to see her again in another two days time at the college christian group.
We met up there and it started. The whole thing was on relationships. I though good, hopefully this can help us make things better, surely there are things i could change for this to last, for me to do what was right. The guest speakers spoke of how when they had first met they were simply friends, and over time they realized they wanted to be more than friends but they weren't ready, so they remained friends checking back every once in a while to see if they were ready, and one day they eventually were and they started dating... that night i could tell something was bothering her but i don't think even she knew what it was at the time when i asked. After she left i hoped she would be doing better when i saw her the next day... instead everything crashed down around me....
She told me we needed to take some time away from each other, stop dating, stop everything romantic, so we could fix up our lives before we moved forward. I was devastated. In my mind despite everything she said about us not being over, or broken up i heard her say it was over, she was leaving me in the dark like everyone else in my life always had. The next day we spoke to a counselor together at which he mediated between us helping to understand that the different words we used meant such vastly different things to each of us in this situation, and our different backgrounds vastly effected how we reacted to this and how we saw it. I was beginning to realize that maybe it wasn't over maybe she really meant it when she said that when she put the ring on the table. I was devastated more than i had already thought i could be, it was like a thousand knives in the chest. And then we left. I sat in my car and for the first time in over 10 years i cried... i cried for over an hour before i could even turn the car on to go home... We talked online that night as she tried to tell me it wasn't over. But everything still sounded the same to me... it was over.... I said i couldn't keep the ring, she told me to wear it around my neck until she came back for it because she would come back for it. She asked to hold onto my jacket to which i replied 'why?' she told me she still wanted something of mine to hold onto and she liked how i smelled and it still smelled like me. I told her smells fade over time to which she asked to trade it for another one of my jackets when it did....
I still felt it was over i couldn't see any other way.... i was ready to run back to the rain forests to hide, to get away from everything... to disappear. I was in the process of buying the tickets... i was going to file for bankruptcy so my family wouldn't be left with my bills... I was going to leave the next day.... no one would know i had left no one would find me... the AF would have marked me as AWOL and i probably wouldn't have been able to return for years... but i didn't care i wanted to go to the one place i had left that made me feel at peace the only place aside from next to her that made anything better... i was going to leave her some contact info... she'd be able to contact me maybe once a year or so... just in case by some miracle she ever wanted me back... not that i thought that would ever happen.... it was over after all, right.... She told me not to ruin my life like that but i didn't care... it was my life not hers anymore why should she even care... and to me it was living a life that i wouldn't mind... it was doing something that i kinda always wanted to do anyways.... she told me that would make ever having a relationship again difficult as she had plans for a political future... i didn't see why that would matter as i told her so... to which for the first time ever she flat out said something she had never so matter of factually said before: "Because i want to marry you someday..."
Perhaps that should have told me enough then, i mean it shocked me but still my mind read it as being over... That night for the second time in over 10 years i cried.... i cried myself to sleep... i woke up early because the sound of my own crying woke me up... i mean who the heck cries in their sleep right.... i cried for another 3 hours after i woke up.... i packed my stuff, she asked me to stop by so i did to say goodbye... those hugs felt more painful than a shattered hand, or a dozen deep cuts... they felt like the last ones i would ever get.... I drove out as nothing more than an emotional wreck, she told me i was not allowed to shut my emotions down again.... not that i could at that point even if i'd tried....
I have talked to many friends on this, i have cried myself to sleep every night since, and woken up crying multiple times... everyone keeps telling me it's not over, they could all tell it was and still is something real... maybe i'm starting to finally believe that, and i still hurt so incredibly much... and the only way i know to cope with the pain is to love her even more the more it hurts... I get to verbally speak to her for 30 min on Wednesdays and text for 2 hrs on Monday and 2 hrs on Friday... aside from that only emergencies.... i guess it's to keep us from ending up going to fast again and just landing back where we were.... we will check back every two months to see if we are ready yet to move forward in our relationship.... i still think this whole thing is crazy, i still have the fear that i'm losing her.... but without a doubt i still know she is the only one i will marry... and i still hurt... so maybe i will finally get to marry her or instead i'll get lost in the rain forests... i don't know what i do know is this... i'm scared, in pain... lost confused, and so incredibly afraid...
So as the title speaks i am desperatly in need of Help, Advice, Support and Prayers.... so please if you have the time it would be greatly appreciated... thank you...
