He said, She said. False slander against another. Stuck in the middle

[Bonni]

Hello,

I have been married for a whole month and our two families are already breaking apart.

I had a bridal shower back in March and my mother-in-law drank to much and said some very hurtful things to my mother at the shower. Then she got sick from drinking to much and blamed my mother for it.

Now 1 month after the wedding my husband told me that my mom made a nasty comment to one of his cousins about his possible infertility from 2 cancer cycles. The cousin stated my mom said that "we will not have to worry about pregnancy because he shoots blanks."

I approached my mother about this and she was horrified that anyone would accuse her of saying that. She also told me she was not even apart of the conversion with the cousin but it was one of her friends and that those words were never spoken.

Upon my husband re-checking with the cousin, she still claims 100% that my mother made those remarks. (My mother-in-law, also said she heard my mom say the words even though she was no where near them and the conversation)...

Now my husband and I are stuck in the middle of this mess because we both don't feel either side would lie to us or try to damage the family but both sides are sticking with their stories. And because of this my mother wants nothing to do with the women in my husbands family because she finds them to be vicious gossipers and storytellers. This will obviously cause problems with family get together in the future. And I now find myself not wanting to engage with the women of my husbands family either

My husband just wants to move on from the situation because there really is nothing he can do since the cousin is not budging and other family members are supporting her.

I don't know what to do, I am so hurt and angry of the treatment of my mother by my husbands family and as a Christian and a wife I don't know how to move forward. Part of me feels like my husband is letting his family off way to easy, but on the other hand what can he really do? We were not there so we can't ever know the real truth...

I am so angry but I want to act Godly because I know acting in any other way will only lead to more destruction.

Any advice on how I can move forward and how I should handle the two families now would be very helpful.

 

[Dave-W]

Asher (Keith) Intrater wrote a wonderful book 20+ years ago called "Covenant Relationships" that covers this and a whole lot of other disputes between believers. (I am assuming both families are christians) It may even work with non-believers but that is always more difficult.

http://www.amazon.com/Covenant-Relationships-More-Excellent-Way/dp/0914903713

 

[Avniel]

My wife and my family are seperated my wife doesn't even spend time with my heart, my grandmother. She doesn't respect them and views them as inferior because they aren't like her. The southerners can be very clanish and only accepting of those that share similar cultures.

It's not my custom but it happens and I'm proud of my Jamaican heritage.

We don't argue about it because it's no point I can't change her opinion not do I care enough to. Lately I've been on this trip, the things most people fight and argue about doesn't really matter.

Keep them away from each other, or do like I did go threw some months of people being offended and mad you defending your husband to your family and defending your family with your husband.

 

[Avniel]

Also I would like to point out that you were not their. A lot of time what we feel is false slander could be our parents lying to us and childhood bias inables us to see it. You don't know if the slander was false or true,

 

[WalksWithChrist]

One the day of my parent's wedding, my grandfather (mom's father) said in front of my other grandfather (dad's father) that my dad was the laziest person he'd ever seen. Those two grandparents were never in the same room again. Ever.

My advice is to try to mind your family business (just yours and your husband's) and let the rest sort themselves out. They are all adults and need to act as such. If you get in the middle, you may well make things worse. I'm sure they all have phones so they can call each other. No need for you to be in the middle.

 

[mkgal1]

I had a bridal shower back in March and my mother-in-law drank to much and said some very hurtful things to my mother at the shower. Then she got sick from drinking to much and blamed my mother for it.

Am I understanding correctly? There was more said that just accusing your mom of making the "shooting blanks" comment? Had you heard those comments as well?

I know it makes your life a bit less convenient.....but it is unusual for both sides of the family (everyone included) to all get along. I just don't understand why some people would rather kick up drama instead of just all getting along---but this almost seems more often the case than not. IMO.....you can just maintain your relationships separately with everyone (there's hardly a need for everyone to get together). I don't know if it's the "right" thing to do....but I probably *would* be a bit guarded around the women in your husband's family.

If all your mother said was just about the "shooting blanks".....honestly? I don't really see that as offensive (especially if it's proven to be true.) It may be a bit callous and insensitive to just toss it out there flippantly--if that's what happened. But if she *did* say it ....then maybe the best course of action would have been for the cousin who'd heard it to have confronted your mom at the time (and not gone around gossiping to everyone else about it). So.....either way I see a problem with your husband's family's way of handling things. Your husband *could* have just responded with, "why are you telling me this? I suggest you keep this between the two of you and not drag me into it. I can't settle anything because I wasn't even there." But.....that's obviously not possible now (maybe if the issue gets brought up by the cousin again, though?).

 

[annafullofgrace]

Neither you nor your husband were there. Stand strong together and don't get involved. Politely ask them to drop it or firmly say you are not discussing it any further since you have no idea what actually happened. Personally, I do not know many families at all that both sides do get togethers. Keep your families separate and rotate holidays-or set your own traditions. Once we had children, my husband and I set our own traditions with our children, such as Christmas Eve, we will rotate families, but on Christmas Day we are home (after church) and are together as a family.

Nothing wrong with setting boundaries where they are needed.

 

[Bonni]

Thank you everyone for all of your advice and tips. I had a talk with my husband and we set up some great boundaries and ground rules when it comes to dealing with our very vocal families. I have a lot of peace about the situation now and an happy that my husband and I were able to stand together in this situation <3

 

[WalksWithChrist]

Thank you everyone for all of your advice and tips. I had a talk with my husband and we set up some great boundaries and ground rules when it comes to dealing with our very vocal families. I have a lot of peace about the situation now and an happy that my husband and I were able to stand together in this situation <3

That's awesome.

 

[jsimms615]

You'll have to learn that there are some people on your husband's side of the family (this cousin who made this remark) who cannot be trusted and you don't need to interact with much. I would just try to learn from it and move on and don't bring it up to your husband anymore.

 

[mkgal1]

You'll have to learn that there are some people on your husband's side of the family (this cousin who made this remark) who cannot be trusted and you don't need to interact with much. I would just try to learn from it and move on and don't bring it up to your husband anymore.

I agree with this. Also...(not suggesting that you do this) but, if it were me, and I believed my mom (b/c I had no reason NOT to)....I think I would just tell her privately that I do believe her, but that we both (my mom and myself) should just give a wide berth to this cousin if/when we encounter her again. It could be seen as a learning experience for everyone about who can be trusted.

I'm glad you and your husband worked it out to where the two of you are satisfied. That's what matters most.