Having sex when you're not in the mood...

[earlymorningsunshine]

I'm happily married and have 2 young kids. My husband and I are in our late 20's and are in good shape and good health. We have sex about once a week. It is usually very good and mutually fulfilling. My husband sometimes wants to do it more often, and depending on my mood I will sometimes gently refuse him or sometimes just give in and try to get my mind in the right place and go along with it.
However, I've had the unsettling experience recently where I have instead of neutrally just going along with I actually felt disgusted and couldn't bear to be touched. I didn't say anything at first, but when I did bring it up to my husband I made sure I told him it wasn't his fault, it was an issue with me. I wish I could have a stronger sex drive. I was told in a Christian family class in high school never to reject sex from your spouse because it is damaging to your relationship and selfish, so I try as often as I can to get myself in the mood. I am really shocked and frightened by the feeling of revulsion I felt at being touched though.
I should mention that I go through periods of anxiety/depression from time to time that I deal with as best I can but they never seem to leave me completely. Maybe the anxiety is messing with my head and my desire for sex.
I also feel like I should mention that when we were first married I was anxious and when we would have sex sometimes I physically couldn't even do it or we could but it was painful for me. I somehow managed to loosen up and have been overall greatly enjoying sex since then. Until this recent problem.
I don't want to be a frigid wife. I am going to try to work on my anxiety issues and hope that it solves these issues. I wonder if anyone has any other insights or advice or similar stories...
Thanks for listening & God Bless.

 

[johndoo]

I don't want to go into our personal story right now, but I have strong opinion.
Please get help as soon as possible and in as many ways as possible.
What you are describing is some of the elements of sexual aversion.
You are wise to have already determined the associations with history of anxiety, painful intercourse, low desire.
AASECT is the national group that certifies sex counselors and I would strongly advise you to see a qualified person as soon as possible. If your husband is wise, he will be willing to spend any reasonable amount of money to work on this issue since you guys are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
A marriage counselor can sometime helps if you are having any other issues that may affect your desire for him or communication issues that are involved. Sometimes it is just hard to talk about. Resentment can occur.
The anxiety issues are important but complicated. If you don't have experience taking medications for anxiety, know that essentially all the anxiety meds have the potential for sexual side effects. It does not mean it will happen to you, but it is a reason to be an educated patient and have open, frank communication with your health care provider.

How do you feel about being the sole initiator? The benefit is that it happens when you are ready.
The trick is that from the sounds of it, you may have to make yourself ready. Planning. Initiative. Work. Sacrifice.
In the end, you may think this doesn't sound very romantic. I would try to look at it differently, as a chance to get to know and understand your body and sexuality and serve your husband in this way.

 

[Mudinyeri]

How do you feel about being the sole initiator? The benefit is that it happens when you are ready.
The trick is that from the sounds of it, you may have to make yourself ready. Planning. Initiative. Work. Sacrifice.
In the end, you may think this doesn't sound very romantic. I would try to look at it differently, as a chance to get to know and understand your body and sexuality and serve your husband in this way.

This is an interesting approach.

Communication is key. @earlymorningsunshine , it sounds as though you and your husband are already communicating about the issue. That's good. As a part of that communication, you might want to talk about the things that put each of you in the mood. Have you gone through the Five Love Languages book? If not, it's a good exercise. When I focus on communicating with my wife in her (multiple) love languages, she is almost always in the mood. The same works when she communicates with me in mine.

One note on the Five Love Languages, after years of experience with the book and its premise, I would add the language of Sight. Seeing my wife dressed elegantly or sexily is a way for her to communicate to me that she loves me. One might consider this an Act of Service but I maintain that it is a separate category.

 

[WolfGate]

So I see a difference between "not in the mood" and what you describe as a revulsion. I think perhaps you are on to something with the anxiety, etc. and getting help is a good idea. While I do believe working on getting in the mood is a great act of loving service to a spouse, nobody should feel obligated to have sex when some illness or other factor makes it repulsive or painful (physically or mentally).

Your high school course overstated their point. "Never" is the wrong word. The principle of a person loving their spouse by working to meet their sexual desires is a good one, but it can be incorrectly morphed into a spouse being able to have sex on demand, which is a misapplication of the principle.

You did the right thing by trying to assure him it is not his fault. Working hard, and continuing to be open with him, as you try and figure out how to move past whatever is causing the revulsion will also help show him that. It would be good, when you know you are not going to feel revulsion at being touched, to take those times and strive to get in the mood and initiate. That will also help show love to your husband.

Prayer for you both as you seek to work through this.

 

[Thunder Peel]

He needs to stop thinking about sex and move along. I'm tired of hearing men constantly whine about wanting sex and making a big deal out of it. He should take up golf or play an instrument or find some other hobby to occupy his time. We've made sex into some kind of idol that it was never meant to be.

I'm not saying it isn't great but to have whole relationships affected by it is just ridiculous. There's so much more to marriage and life than intimacy.

 

[WolfGate]

He needs to stop thinking about sex and move along. I'm tired of hearing men constantly whine about wanting sex and making a big deal out of it. He should take up golf or play an instrument or find some other hobby to occupy his time. We've made sex into some kind of idol that it was never meant to be.

I'm not saying it isn't great but to have whole relationships affected by it is just ridiculous. There's so much more to marriage and life than intimacy.

How did you get that from the OP???? Nowhere did she say he was complaining or whining. Sounded from her writing like she wants sex to be a mutually desired and fulfilling part of the marriage. I think you may have projected other threads onto this one perhaps?

 

[Thunder Peel]

How did you get that from the OP???? Nowhere did she say he was complaining or whining. Sounded from her writing like she wants sex to be a mutually desired and fulfilling part of the marriage. I think you may have projected other threads onto this one perhaps?

If he's not bothered by it and she has little desire for it then there's really no point to the thread. Clearly someone is bothered about it, otherwise they would both just agree to go without it for a while and there wouldn't be an issue. She did mention that sometimes he wants it more and often that sparks these kinds of threads, with men wanting sex more than their wives and the wives either feel guilty or annoyed by it. It's just an observation.

 

[Mudinyeri]

He needs to stop thinking about sex and move along. I'm tired of hearing men constantly whine about wanting sex and making a big deal out of it. He should take up golf or play an instrument or find some other hobby to occupy his time. We've made sex into some kind of idol that it was never meant to be.

I'm not saying it isn't great but to have whole relationships affected by it is just ridiculous. There's so much more to marriage and life than intimacy.

Women need to stop thinking about sex too. That'll save God the effort on the whole Armageddon thing. We'll simply peter out as a species ... pardon the pun.

"There's so much more to marriage ... than intimacy." That's a good one. I'm going to try that on my wife tonight and see what happens. Pray for me!

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I agree sex isn't the biggest thing in marriage. But God created it none the less and its still important in marriage. Just as most every aspect of other stuff is in marriage. How long have you been married? Since you have two kids I will assume at least two years.

I know when I married we had sex alot. But overtime it slowed down to once a week or even every two weeks. And like some guys I was frustrated at first. To be fair we also don't um... try stuff. So maybe its part of the problem. None the less point is it is true he shouldn't be sex oriented. And for you, you should try maybe a doctor. Or even your pastor. Most people don't think a pastor would talk about sex, but if anything they want to help you in all areas. When our pastor mentioning sex during a sermon people blushed and laughed because its not something you normally hear about during a sermon (the kids are in sunday school obviously).

I do know anxiety can change sex in many ways. Things sometimes may not even start because of the tension and anxiety. So when your not in the mood giving into sex probably isn't always the best idea. And now that you have an aversion of it then things are getting worse.

Clearly someone is bothered about it,

Maybe its just me but you seem to be the one really bothered by the thread. Just saying.