Have you heard...?

[missteecat]

Yes Repeat is the right answer. One of those keep it going jokes ahahaha

 

[Dan Bell]

"Mommy," said little Jennifer, "did you ever see a cross-eyed bear?"
"Why, no, Jennifer," chuckled her mother. "But why do you ask?"
"Well, in Sunday school this morning, we sang about 'the consecrated cross-eyed bear [cross I bear].'"

I agree

 

[BlueJay180]

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A: The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

 

[BlueJay180]

One day in a city in the Midwest (U.S.), a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship service. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked up his boisterous little son and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out the door.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "PRAY FOR ME! PRAY FOR ME!"

 

[BlueJay180]

SHOW AND TELL

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bring something to represent their religion.

The first boy went in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David."

Second, the first girl went in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is the crucifix."

Finally, the second boy went in front of the class and said, "My name is Derek and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."

 

[Gregory Eugene]

"Mommy," said little Jennifer, "did you ever see a cross-eyed bear?"
"Why, no, Jennifer," chuckled her mother. "But why do you ask?"
"Well, in Sunday school this morning, we sang about 'the consecrated cross-eyed bear [cross I bear].'"

I was at camp and we we're singing feed us Jesus and it made me chuckle because I wasn't sure if the song was talking about Jesus feed us food or Let's have some flesh and blood because I'm starving. Either way I hear a kid a few feet away ask his friend are we singing feed us Jesus or fetus Jesus?

God bless the youth!

 

[BlueJay180]

CHURCH SIGNS

1. Free trip to Heaven. Details inside!

2. Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

3. Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!

4. An ad for a church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

5. When the restaurant next to the church put up a big sign that said, "Open Sundays", the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

6. Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!

7. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!

8. Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.

9. Come work for The Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long, and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

10. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

 

[BlueJay180]

CHURCH SIGNS #2

1. The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

2. Under same management for over 2,000 years.

3. Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

4. Soul food served here.

5. You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving.

6. Never give the devil (Satan) a ride. He will always want to drive.

7. Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are.

8. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

9. Come early for a good Back seat.

10. Seven days without prayer makes one weak.

11. No Jesus, no peace -- know Jesus, know peace!

12. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

 

[BlueJay180]

Church Signs #3

1. A man's character is like a fence, It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

2. K-mart is not the only saving place!

3. Preach the Gospel at all times. Use words if necessary

4. Delay is preferable to error.

5. Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.

6. It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.

7. What part of THOU SHALT NOT don't you understand?

8. A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

9. The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.

10. Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.

11. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

12. Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!

 

[BlueJay180]

Church Signs #4

1. Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies.

2. If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin, stay out of the Devil's orchard.

3. May is God's apology for February.

4. To belittle is to be little.

5. A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.

6. No God, no peace --- Know God, know peace.

7. A singing group called The Resurrection was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the preacher fixed the outside sign to read "The Resurrection is postponed."

8. People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

9. God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.

10. When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.

11. Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.

 

[BlueJay180]

Church Signs #5

1. How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?

2. Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives.

3. It is unlikely there will be a reduction in the wages of sin.

4. Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

5. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born-again.

6. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.

7. This is a ch__ch. What is missing? U R.

8. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

9. In the dark? Follow the Son.

10. Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.

11. If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to The Shepherd.

12. Avoiding the Son can be hazardous to your health.

 

[BlueJay180]

Notes From God

1. Let's meet at My House Sunday before the game. - God

2. Come on over and bring the kids. - God

3. What part of "Thou shalt not..." didn't you understand? - God

4. We need to talk. - God

5. Keep using My Name in vain and I'll make rush hour longer! - God

6. Loved the wedding; invite Me to the marriage. - God

7. That "Love your neighbor" thing, I meant it. - God

8. I love you...I love you...I love you... - God

9. Will the road you're on get you to My Place? - God

10. Follow me. - God

11. Bing bang theory? You've got to be kidding. - God

12. My Way is the highway. - God

13. Need directions? - God

14. You think it's hot here? - God

15. Tell the kids I love them. - God

16. Need a marriage counselor? I'm available. - God

17 Have you read My #1 Best Seller? There will be a test! - God

 

[BlueJay180]

Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

A: Only God knows the eggs-act (exact) answer.

 

[BlueJay180]

Nietzche

A poster read: "God is dead!" - Nietzsche.

The graffiti underneath it read: "Nietzsche is dead!" - God.

 

[BlueJay180]

Q: What do they call preachers/ministers/evangelists in Germany?

A: German shepherds.

 

[BlueJay180]

My Dad's Better Than Your Dad

Three boys on the playground were bragging about their fathers. One said, "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks ($50)."

"Oh, yeah?" the second boy responded. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks ($100)."

"That's nothin'," said the third boy. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six men to collect all the money!"

 

[BlueJay180]

Bible Confusion

Kaylee, a little girl, was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.

Now, a decade or so later, the elderly lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.

Understandly excited, the youngster (teenager, that is) was asking a number of questions both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.

Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand, but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:

"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary or the King James virgin?"

 

[helmut]

A poster read: "God is dead!" - Nietzche.
The graffiti underneath it read: "Nietzche is dead!" - God.

ist is Nietzsche, not Nietzche. The "sch" is pronounced like "sh" in Englisch. BTW, the "tz" ist pronounced like ts.

The joke is rather old, I know other versions, e.g. this one:

A graffiti reads: God is dead! - Nietzsche". A fellow comes and writes under this Graffiti a second slogan: "Nietzsche is dead! - God". A person passing by asks him: "Oh, You must be God!? ". - "No, but I know him!" - "Then can you tell me his name?" - "Of course", the fellows says, "HIs name is Jesus!". - Silence.

 

[Midwest Bible]

That's Morbid...

 

[BlueJay180]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, and say: "That's not it." and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the U.S. Army. The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said "That's it!"