Have you heard...?

[BlueJay180]

Church Bloopers (Part 1)

1. The Boy Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. (Bible Study, actually) is done.

3. The preacher would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The minister will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy".

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the Church basement Friday at 7:00 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud beside the pulpit this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of our preacher Kevin McNair and his wife Rachel.

11. Tuesday at 4:00 PM, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

12. A bean supper will be held on Friday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

 

[BlueJay180]

Church Bloopers (Part 2)

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 PM at the Church of Christ. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

15. Mrs. Quinn will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

16. Please join us as we show as we show our support for Amy and Jake who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6:00 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

18. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

19. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

20. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

21. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

22. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

23. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

 

[BlueJay180]

At Sunday School, a teacher in a kindergarten class was teaching how God created everything including human beings. Little Jeff, one child in the class, seemed especially intent when she told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill and said, "Jeff, what's the matter?" Jeff responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

 

[BlueJay180]

The bloopers below are said to be written by actual students and are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched". They were compiled by Richard Lederer, and appeared in the December 31, 1995 issue of National Review magazine. It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals came on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Ammendements.

The First Commandment uis when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also said, "Man does not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was Saint Matthew who was by profession a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

 

[BlueJay180]

The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children's Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story.

Little Evan was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man behind the steering wheel and in the back seat was a man and a woman.

The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.

But little Evan was prompt with his explanation. "Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden."

 

[BlueJay180]

Bulletin Bloopers:

1. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

2. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

3. Eight new black choir robes are currently needed, due to addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.

4. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

5. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

6. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

7. Evening massage - 6 PM

8. The preacher would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

9. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

10. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door.

11. Ushers will eat latecomers.

12. The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.

13. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

14. Roger Merriwether, the evangelist, spoke briefly much to the delight of the audience.

15. The minister will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy".

16. During the absence of our preacher, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

17. Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The preacher will then speak on "It's A Terrible Experience".

18. Due to the pastor's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

19. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

20. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

 

[BlueJay180]

Bulletin Bloopers (continued)

21. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

23. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter who labored the whole evening at the piano which, as usual, fell upon her.

24. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet "The Lord Knows Why".

25. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

26. Today's sermon: "HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?" with hymns from a full choir.

27. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding."

28. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better.

29. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

30. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

31. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

32. Preacher is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

33. The rosebud on the pulpit this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Alan, our preacher, and Linda Belzer.

34. This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

35. Wednesday, the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

36. Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the minister in his study.

37. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to>> come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

38. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

39. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

40. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

41. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

[BlueJay180]

SIGNS - THE ECONOMY IS REALLY, REALLY BAD

The economy is so bad:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds", you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels, Matchbox, Johnny Lightning, Greenlight, and Maisto stocks are trading higher than Ford, General Motors, and Chrysler.

McDonald's is selling the Quarter Ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Bill Gates was shopping at Radio Shack.

Congress says the are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh, that's just great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear.

Please pray for our country!

 

[BlueJay180]

THREE THINGS TO PONDER

1. Cows
2. The U.S. Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she (the cow) slept in Washington state? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE U.S. CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by our founding fathers who were really smart, it has worked for over 200 years, and we are not using it anymore.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is this: you cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery", and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

 

[BlueJay180]

CAUGHT RED-HANDED
(from a church bulletin from the Crooked Creek Church of Christ in Peach Creek, WV)

While reading the newspaper in the living room, I wanted to know what time it was and called out to my young son, who can't tell time yet, "Bobby, what is the big hand on?"
Bobby, who was in the kitchen paused briefly. Then, in a small voice, he said, "On a chocolate cookie."

 

[Nightingale03]

Another funny!

 

[bessiewng]

oh yeah, i've heard that!!!!

 

[BlueJay180]

Two inchworms talking to each other about the U.S. contemplating to switch over to the metric system (the joke is around 30-35 years old):

"How do you like this? What are they gonna call us if they switch over to the metric system; 2.54 centimeterworms? Unbelievable!"

 

[BlueJay180]

Ace: "Knock! Knock!"

Deuce: "Who is it?"

Ace: "Kojak."

Deuce: "Kojak who?"

Ace: "Kojak up the car, baby. I've got a flat."

 

[BlueJay180]

Alpha: "Knock! Knock!"

Beta: "Who's there?"

Alpha: "Gary."

Beta: "Gary who?"

Alpha: (singing) "Gary on, my wayward son..."

 

[mjsk]

That's a good one!

 

[missteecat]

Petr and Repeat sat on the wall.
Pete fell down and who was left?

 

[missteecat]

Pete and Repeat sat on the wall.
Pete fell down and who was left.

(Sorry I messed up on the spelling ahahah)
Hello to all of you and God bless You!

 

[Susie~Q]

Blue Jay, I love your cute jokes, where do you get them all. They brought a smile to my face, I needed that. LOL.

 

[Susie~Q]

Pete and Repeat sat on the wall.
Pete fell down and who was left.

(Sorry I messed up on the spelling ahahah)
Hello to all of you and God bless You!

LOL, I will probably get this wrong, but, is it Repeat?

LOL, I am loving the cute jokes from everyone.