God created the donkey and told him: you will work tireless from sun up to sun down, carrying heavy bags on your back, you'll eat grass, you will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!
The donkey answered: I'll be a donkey, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years. And God gave him 20 years.
God created the dog and told him: You will look after the man's house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25 years. You will be a DOG!
The dog answered: God, living 25 years is too much, give only 10. God gave him 10 years.
God created the monkey and told him: You will jump from branch to branch, you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years.
The monkey answered: God, living 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. And God agreed.
Finally, God created man, and told him: You will be Man, the only rational being on this earth, you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The man answered: God, I'll be man, but living 20 years is not enough, why don't you give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 20 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years that the monkey refused.
That was what God did, and since then, Men live 20 years like a man, then he enters adulthood and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave home, spends 15 years like a dog, looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets into retirement, and spends 10 years like a monkey, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse the grandchildren.
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There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. led down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
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Husbands' Quotes
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrup ther.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your will power."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.
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Husband Speak
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing." Really means....
There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea." Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?" Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain." Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done." Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late." Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie." Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars."
"That's women's work." Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
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A man went to the doctor because he was concerned about his lessening level of energy. He told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.
The father invited the fiancee to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies.
"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God."
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Husband Speak 2
"Will you marry me?" Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother." Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"I do help around the house." Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you." Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present." Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you." Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night." Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means....
"This time we won't use the drive-thru window."
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Long enough for ya?
