Grounds for divorce?

[ALed93]

Please, pray for me I'm so hurt and confused!

I have been married for 15 years. We have no children. Both of us work outside the home.

I'll be the first to tell you that I am not a perfect person nor the perfect wife. I have my list of faults with areas to improve.

My husband has placed mank scars on my heart over the years of our marriage, as I am sure I have his. However, we differ in that he takes no responsibility for his actions. I'm having trouble forgiving. I really do not want to go to my pastor or church family, as my husband's reputation is important to me and I feel like I'd be defacing him. In the past two years we have found a church he's actually excited to attend.

Examples of the hurts:
We were laying in bed one night. I was not feeling well & tossing & turning not able to sleep. He was irritated and grumpy told me to be still. I asked him to hold me. He said "If I HAVE to and if it will make you be still, shut the H*** up, and go to sleep.

He got so angry with me once that he "bumped" me with his vehicle as he speed out of the drivway slinging gravel which also hit me (he had got home from a hunting trip and tore open the back door, with yelling & screaming, throwing stuff & opening and slamming doors in the house then going outside. I followed him out to see what was wrong).

We were out on a date night after dinner & on way to a movie when we ran into his friends at a store. He left me standing in the middle of the isle we were in to go fishing overnight with them. Dinner had gone well. I felt very rejected and confused.

He has threatened to shoot the computer monitor (close to my head) when I was taking classes online to get the credits I needed to qualify for a promotion at work.

He kicked the dog because he knew I cared for it. After he did that I found a home for the dog because I would not let it stay to be harmed.

He takes days off work and doesn't tell me he took the day off.

He says he's working extra, but the $ is not there. He gets off work at 4:00 pm, but isn't home until at earliest 9:00 pm, usually more like 10:00pm or 11:00 pm.

So many more things I could list and these examples are not isolated.

I have tried on occation over the last years to communicate with him about this. I get remarks like "you are lucky I didn't do/say more" or "I just this/that". I'd feel so much better if he could just say "I'm sorry."

I just don't know what to do really. I have thought about many options over the years... just live with it, counseling, seperation, divorce ...

One reason I haven't divorced is I am not sure I have grounds for divorce in the eyes of God. What is God's view of this situation?

Please, help!

 

[Ithinkimightbeanathiest]

I'm afraid I can't help you with what constitutes grounds for divorce in the eyes of God (I just don't know). In my eyes his behaviour is completely unacceptable and it certainly sounds like a very unhappy and difficult situation for you. I hope you find someone who can give you some counselling and that things get better in the future.

 

[SearcherKris]

First, I am so sorry for what you are going through. My husband has treated me the same way. I feel your pain and hear the confusion in your post.

What I'm about to say is going to sound hard. I'm sorry for that. My intention is not to hurt you or scare you, but I feel that you need hear it.

This is abuse! You have to stop letting him do this to you. Get safe, and get help. Abuse is known to escalate, meaning it gets worse. How bad will it have to get before you will seek help? Professional counseling may be required.

You also should expose his behavior to you chruch. You're not protecting his reputation, you're helping him uphold a lie. You're helping him maintain a false image of himself. In the process you are still being hurt.

Your church is there to help you and him. He can't be confronted in his sin and encouraged to change if it is not exposed. Allowing him to continue like this is not ony harming you, but it is also harming him. It is not in his best interest to live this way.

Malachi 2:14 and 16
(God would not recieve an offering made by a man)
14You say, "Why?" It is because the Lord is acting as witnessbetween you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

16 "I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel, " and I hate a man's covering his wife with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty.

Have you considered the Matt. 18 approach? You confront your husband about his behavior and tell him it can't continue. If he refuses to listen, or does listen but does not truely change, you go to one or two in church leadership (pastor, elder/deacon, Bible teacher, men's group leader), and ask them to help you in confronting him and asking him to change. If that still does not work, bring the issue before the whole congregation. If that does not work, then walk away from him.

I'm not saying you have to divorce him, but I am saying that you should not live with an unrepentant and unhealed abuser. You will only get yourself hurt more, and allow him to continue in his sin. Neither of these two are godly things to do.

Eph. 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Col. 3:19
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

I Pet 3:7
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

I believe that continued, ongoing abuse is grounds for divorce. I believe that God would release you from a marriage like that. Abusing one's spouse is the opposite of what marriage is supposed to be. By continuing to live that way, your husband has emotionally and maybe spiritually left the marriage.

Reconciliation is possible, but not guaranteed because your husband would have to be willing to seek forgiveness, make restitution and repent (never doing it again). In my opinion, he would need to display that he has repented and changed for a significant amount of time to prove that the change is real and sincere. He would need to rebuild your trust.

Yes, Scripture says that God hates divorce (the event of divorce). It also says that God hates violence (abuse) toward one's spouse. It does not say that if you are divorced he will not forgive the party who committed the sin which caused the divorce. It does not say that He hates the divorced person.

If your marriage ends because of your husband's abuse, the fault will not be yours. Divorce occurs in the heart of the one who comitts a sin that breaks the marriage covenant. God makes the marriage covenant, He is the one who joins two together. He is the only one who can separate the two. If your husband does not repsond to requests to treat you as a husband should, then I believe God may choose to release you from the marriage.

You have to seek His will in this. This is not something that any of us can determine for you. Much prayer and fasting is needed. This is not a choice that should be taken lightly. Exhaust all of your resources first, after getting safe.

Be careful, and stay safe. I'm praying for you!

 

[dailydeath]

I am sorry that yall are having these thoughts after 15 years. I can hear in your voice the deep pain from the things yall have gone thru. I can not tell you anything to help comfort you, for I have not been there..sorry.

As for your husband I can tell you, it sounds like he as so problems with himself and God right now. I was very unhappy with me and angery at God for a long time, as I was reading the things you wrote I could hear my husbands voice. So, dont been scared to reach out to your pastor, if we would have done it when he really realized that he was begining to despise me, I dont think we would be separated now.

Divorce..... The following what I have always known to be true and noone has ever shown me another verse or been able to prove that there are other reasons to divorce.

 

[dailydeath]

Sorry this got left out


Matthew 5:32
But I tell you that anyone wo divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adultree, and anyone who marries the divorces woman commits adultery

 

[SearcherKris]

I have tried on occation over the last years to communicate with him about this. I get remarks like "you are lucky I didn't do/say more" or "I just this/that". I'd feel so much better if he could just say "I'm sorry."

Just because it is not worse, does not mean it is good. This was a hard realization for me to come to.

My husband would say things like, "I don't punch you.'
"I could be beating you." (which is debatable that he already was; my hsuband "disciplined" me)
"At least I'm not, blah, blah, blah..."

It makes me sick.

Not being the worst case scenario does not make it OK.

I reached a point where I could no longer live that way. It was not appropriate. It was dishonoring what God intended for marriage and family to be. It was an insult to the Lord.

I began warning my husband, "We can't keep living this way. It has to change, or you will loose us (me and the kids)."

He did not change. He got worse. We left. We are not going back.

Tell your husband that "not that bad" does not mean good. Tell him that you cannot continue with things this way. Either he will choose to save his marriage, or he will choose his sin.

 

[SearcherKris]

Sorry this got left out


Matthew 5:32
But I tell you that anyone wo divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adultree, and anyone who marries the divorces woman commits adultery

I was wondering what you meant. I got confused.

 

[SearcherKris]

ALed93,

Your husband is doing things and threatening things that might take your very life. Right now it is just a threat to shoot near your head and "just a bump" with the car. What next?

These are truely violent actions. I would not wait for him to get angry or irritated again. You don't have to give him another chance. He knows he is hurting you, and he knows he is not supposed to do that. You go, then, if he is willing, you get help for your marriage while staying at a very safe distance. If it is not possible to stay safe while getting help, the don't continue working on it.

Your husband has abandoned your marriage by harming you in such a way, and threatening you in ways that may take your life. How more un-married can you get?

Don't wait until he does something that might kill you to get away.

Get away now.

 

[overit]

Yet again, another abuser. Hon, you have grounds for leaving him...you can ask God to release you from your vows. He did for me and live abuse free over 4yrs now with my two sons. Not only is he verbally abusive, he is physically abusive as well, threats of violence, harming the dog, throwing things around-threats of violence...that is physical abuse. Try out this site drirene.com for a wonderful support group that will help validate your feeligns and get you to the help you need.God does not want you to live this life of fear and shame.Oh his reputation? Really all you are doing is giving his abuse more breeding ground-abusers are ALL about their image...you tear down the "facade" and it crumbles. There is only one way abuse thrives, and that's in silence, you break the silence by going for help it no longer has the power it once did. It's your first step to help, healing and peace. You can NOT live abuse free without breaking the silence.Contact a Domestic Violence center in your area to get resources and help...and at this moment, don't bring up the word abuse with him, there is much for you to learn before ever confronting him, so clear you history, cookies and hide any books you get. Try Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He do that? Excellent resource for abused women.I wish you peace and joy and an abuse free life, even if that means divorcing him-most of the times it's the only way....and God can release you from your marriage and love you and give you a happy, peaceful life and a fresh start. Abuse will eventually kills your soul, your heart, your mind and even sometimes physically. You NEED to get to help and open up with a family member, or close friend, pastor and a DV counselor.PM me if you need any further help...i've been down that road, as many women here have.

 

[BrBob]

SearcherKris and Overit are absolutely correct. You are being abused. Period.

Protecting his reputation is enabling. His reputation is what it is. Projecting an image that is false is a lie.

Pray, get Godly counsel and then take action! When a person starts abusing his spouse he is breaking the marriage covenant.

God Bless
Bob
Spearfish, SD

 

[TexasSky]

We are often quick to quote that scripture about adultery, but if you read the entire section, in context, you're going to find that the real sin involved in divorce is "the hardening of the hearts."

The reason you "cause her to commit adultery" is that in Christ's age, no woman remained "unmarried" after a divorce either.

The bible teaches that a man has to love his wife in the way that Christ loves the church. Christ died for his bride (the church).

You absolutely must get out of this situation.
Whether you choose divorce or separation, you cannot end up a statistic in the morgue because you fear displeasing God.

God loves you. You are His child.

God also said that the law was made to serve man, not man to serve the law.

Whether you ever remarry or not will have to be up to you and the Lord, but God would no more want a woman to remain where she could be murdered than you would want your child to do so.

God loved you enough to die for you.

He will understand that the true sin is your husband's violence and cruelty. He will not punish you for the sins of your husband.

 

[SearcherKris]

He will understand that the true sin is your husband's violence and cruelty. He will not punish you for the sins of your husband.

Well said!

That's what I was trying to get at.


Them Texas people is smart!

 

[ALed93]

Thank you all for your words and support, it's really appreciated! I have so much to process right now. A little overwhelming. Please continye to pray for me! I need all the support and encouragement I can get right now. I also am thinking about calling my pastor to see if he can talk with me sometime soon. A scary step for me!

 

[SearcherKris]

I also am thinking about calling my pastor to see if he can talk with me sometime soon. A scary step for me!

When you speak to your pastor tell him EVERYTHING! Being completely honest and open is your best chance of getting the help you need.

Talking online in a messageboard and then to my pastor is the first steps I took in getting the abuse and neglect out of my life.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I'm glad you're going to share with your pastor. If you really believe in prayer it seems so silly that so many of us suffer and don't ask for other believers to pray for us. There are lots of others who are going through/have gone through similar situations who would love to pray.

Keep in mind that most pastors are not licensed counselors, so they may not be the best for working out a situation that will need more than a few sessions. If you have trouble standing up for yourself, keep in mind that you're not doing your h any favors by letting him continue to act in an abusive manner. Hopefully there is guilt involved and you'd be doing him a favor by taking steps to make it stop.

I did the same thing; but why do we let these things continue for years and ask what to do? Theses things don't get better unless something changes. These actions turn into habits. How much easier would things be if couples went to counseling immediately and asked for prayer?

I pray I've learned from my own mistakes.

 

[Tink04]

Thank you all for your words and support, it's really appreciated! I have so much to process right now. A little overwhelming. Please continye to pray for me! I need all the support and encouragement I can get right now. I also am thinking about calling my pastor to see if he can talk with me sometime soon. A scary step for me!

Hi ALed,
I know how hard this is for you. I'm in the middle of leaving my abusive husband as well.

The first thing I did was tell someone else about it. Someone IRL. Your Dh probably won't like that. It's easier to control you if nobody knows about it.

The second thing I did was make a plan to get out. I would take out an extra $20 every time I bought something. Know of people you can phone if you need help.
Even if you aren't needing to stay there right away the woman's shelter should be able to help you.

 

[SearcherKris]

The second thing I did was make a plan to get out. I would take out an extra $20 every time I bought something. Know of people you can phone if you need help.

I stashed a little bit of cash, and I bought some groceries and left them at my mother's house. I also waited until he left for work, and I got family to come to our apartment and help move the kids and me out all in one evening. That way there was no ugly or violent confrontation when I tried to go.

If you leave, you need to make an exit plan, so you can do it in the safest and wisest way possible.

 

[ALed93]

There is so much to think about!

The financial picture if I left is: I do work a full time demanding job. I'm not living extravagently, rent is only $350 per month. I'm very budget concious, If I left all extras would go... tv, phone, internet, etc...still, once I pay my rent, utilities and car payment & auto insurance (required here) I'm left with $388 a month to buy food, auto fuel, household goods such as toilet tissue, laundry detergent, deoderant, shampoo, medicine, medical co-pays, etc. I have a disability in which fatigue is an issue in all honestly not sure I could physically handle a part time job in addition to the full time job.

I have no kids so at least they aren't dragged thru this.

Still praying about what to do. Stay or Go. Will talk to pastor on Sunday. Please keep praying!

 

[overit]

You know hon, you would be tight for a while, but God provides in many many ways....my financial situation was MUCH MUCH bleaker then that, and I had two kids and I still got out and am now fine. Were times tough? Yes. Did I struggle? Yes, but somehow God always found a way to help us meet our basic needs, even if we ate plainly many times. My situation is much improved though I'm no wealthy or even 1/4 wealth lol. But we can rent dvd's, go on a small vacation, buy stuff on Christmas, I give the boys nice birthday parties, etcI dont know what you spend on groceries, but IMO for just one person for co-pays and food that would be enough. I would keep a cell phone though just basics, you need it for safety. The rest (cable) can go, your tv w/local channels doesn't cost. There are websites that help you w/budgeting and cost cutting ideas. Another thing, for example...is you car one that could be traded (if you aren't too upside down) for one w/a lower payment and excellent gas mileage? These things of course are just basic financial issues, there is a lot more to leaving an abusive relationship...and starting with counseling is your first step and find a support group-those onling groups are great resources.Hon, I'm here to tell you that life w/out abuse and fear is the best thing ever, and I wouldn't trade it for all the riches in the world. If I were in your shoes and had $100 left for groceries I would jump. You can always see about getting a one day a wk side job , or ask for overtime or a raise. But funny thing is when you take a leap of faith, God catches you and somehow opens doors you never knew possible.God bless you. My heart goes out to you. PM me if you need more tips/advice.

 

[hope4today]

Aled93, I am so sorry for what you are going through You have got some very good advice here.

This is NO question - This IS abuse!!

Please get the help you need. Talk to your pastor, get professional advice. You asked what God would think - He hates the way you are being treated and he wants you to safe and to be honoured as his daughter.

The others have already posted some really wise words for you. I add my agreement (aside from the adultery being the only grounds for divorce comment... that is a whole other big subject. For now please get yourself out of this abusive situation.