Grief from loss of soulmate.

[Quando62]

My wife passed away 2 months ago. We had 10 years of a blessed life. Now I am finding hard not to obsess with what happened the night she passed. She had Multiple Slcerosis and it was progressing fast. I seem to be dwelling on the what if's, if only's, regrets, could I have saved her? I am depressed, physical pains, heart palpitations, choking, feel like I can't breathe. I do know we had the most wonderful Christian marriage I could ask for as we prayed, studied together. What I learned from a post is that Satan wants to keep is in this pitfall of regret and such. I know God has something beautiful planned for me, but as hard as it is, I am just terribly lonely, a basket case. Any ideas for getting back into life I would welcome very much, as I must turn this over to Christ, especially knowing she is with Him. Thanks, lost and desperate.

Breck

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Quando62- first let me say, I'm sorry. I lost my wife after 10 years of marriage also. We had a wonderful marriage. At this stage, you are and will go through many different emotions, sometimes from one extreme to another within a very short time. Understand that God loves you, He has not left you. Always remember that. I'm not a professional counselor or anything, but I can tell you my experience from a "been there, done that" perspective. Take each day one at a time. I had to occupy my mind with chores and various things to try and keep me busy. I was left with 4 children at home at the time, so there was no shortage of things that needed to be done. I tried to take each day a little at a time. First was getting up and getting going. My focus was to make it to lunch time. After that it was to make it to evening. The evenings were the hardest for me, that was "Our" time and that's when I always got so emotional. But over time, it becomes easier, bearable. Also, don't be afraid to ask for help. If you're involved in a church, hopefully there are those who have or will offer to help. Don't turn them down, they can help and you will bless them also by allowing them to help. I don't visit this forum every day, but try to get here pretty often. I'm here to vent or talk. You will be in my prayers. Just remember, He is right beside you, He loves and cares for you! Press On!

 

[Christianwidow]

My wife passed away 2 months ago. We had 10 years of a blessed life. Now I am finding hard not to obsess with what happened the night she passed. She had Multiple Slcerosis and it was progressing fast. I seem to be dwelling on the what if's, if only's, regrets, could I have saved her? I am depressed, physical pains, heart palpitations, choking, feel like I can't breathe. I do know we had the most wonderful Christian marriage I could ask for as we prayed, studied together. What I learned from a post is that Satan wants to keep is in this pitfall of regret and such. I know God has something beautiful planned for me, but as hard as it is, I am just terribly lonely, a basket case. Any ideas for getting back into life I would welcome very much, as I must turn this over to Christ, especially knowing she is with Him. Thanks, lost and desperate.

Breck

Dear Quando62- There are many people on this forum who have experienced the same things you are going through right now. I too, lost my husband (11 years in a few weeks from now). It took me a very long time to finally get to the part of my journey that I can now go on. My Savior has been with me all the way. I am glad that you know He is with you also. But even knowing that, as humans, we still grieve. Our hearts feel like they have been broken in two. What got me through each and every day was staying busy. Like you, at night, and also on the weekends, it was very difficult. But as time passes, you will heal. You will be able to get up and enjoy the day. I speak this from experience. Some take longer than others. I do hope you continue to visit the forum. You will find Christian friends on the forum that will help you through this time in your pilgrimage. Even if it's just an email. It helps. Also, stay in the Bible. God's word is so powerful. So many promises He has for us, promises we can claim if we know what they are.

Christian Widow

 

[NoelAsa]

Quando62, My husband passed away on July 1, 2007. This grieving process is a difficult journey. It does get better with time, but you are newly widowed and everything is just so raw for you now. You might want to consider grief counseling. I had that for 1 1/2 years. I did it longer than most people, but I really needed it. It was very beneficial for me. Not a lot of men like to go to counseling, but it could help you.

My husband had two cancerous brain tumors. From his diagnois to his death was three months. I also wondered if there were things that I could have done differently that might have helped. I obsessed for about 5 months about his last stay in the hosptial because it upset me so much about how he was treated. I had to let it go as there was nothing I could do about it. Talking about it with other people helped.

Praying that you get the relief that you need. Trust in God and the strength that he can give you.

 

[blackribbon]

First of all ((hugs)).

My husband died of cancer almost 3 years ago. In the end, it killed his brain. I had the hard responsibility of having to decide to discontinue treatment that was allowing his body to hang on in what was probably extreme pain. For months after that, I was haunted by the thought that maybe I allowed him to die too soon...if I just waited another day, maybe God would have healed him. However, God let me know that I didn't have that kind of power. I wasn't God and God was not limited by my time schedule. If it was in God's plan to heal him on this side of death, He could have done it. However, that wasn't in His plans. I loved him and that is the most anyone really can do and that is enough.

It is my experience from being on a number of widow forums that it is common to fixate on those last days. My humble opinion that this is just our minds way of coming to grips with something that is just uncomprehensible..."young people are not suppose to die". I know I relived those last days over and over...often from a different viewpoint. I finally had to accept that this was just his time to die and there was nothing in my power that I could have done to change it. I also experienced many months of "memory loss". I think it was my brains way of protecting me from too many thoughts and memories. Over time, the good memories came back and those last days have faded. Mostly, my memories are the happy ones now. Give it time. I suspect you will find the same.

It is also my observation that often men have a hard time "forgiving themselves" because they see themselves as the protector of their family. You did not fail her. You loved her and did everything that was in your power to do. Life belongs to God and we do not have the power to decide when it begins or when it ends. Your wife loved you. Learn to love yourself with that same love...and take care of yourself.

Griefshare.org is a Christian grief support group that is offered nationwide. Go to the website and plug in your zipcode and it will show you any programs that are going on near your home. There is some comfort in having a couple hours a week when you don't have to wear the mask anymore and just being with other people who understand how deep it is possible to hurt. This is a program where you watch a video about some aspect of grief and then you discuss it (if you want). You only share what you choose to share.

In the meantime, realize that you are at the very beginning of a long journey. It is one that you can do...but it must be taken one day at a time. When this seems too much, face it one moment at a time. Be gentle on yourself. And lean on God because He really does care.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Everyone is different and all you can do is take it one day at a time. God will give you the strength to get thru the days, but when I went thru it, I could not plan ahead. I was so aware that any time, any moment could be our last and it was very hard. So do whatever you feel you can do to move forward on each day. If you can't do anything that day and you just sit around and cry, that's OK too! Don't let other people tell you when you should be over it or thru it or whatever they want to call it. I had my own mother in law ask me about dating and when I said I wasn't dating anyone and hadn't (grant it, this was after the first year) she said "Well what are you going to do? Just shrivel up and die?" REALLY??? Just because I wasn't ready to date? Whatever! Listen to what the Lord says in your heart and go at the pace that YOU can go at to get back into the game of life. You will have good days and bad days and unfortunately we have to experience both so...one day at a time. Keeping busy can be helpful, but sometimes you just don't feel like doing anything and again...THAT'S OK. No matter if someone leaves this earth too early in our opinion or has a long life, I don't think we can ever prepare enough for death of our loved ones. My comfort is in my faith, that my husband is in a FAR better place, in no pain, and that I WILL see him again in eternity. And I know that he would not want me to sit around and cry for the rest of my life. For a time yes, but not forever and that helped me too, to think of how he would have handled it or how he would want me to handle it.

 

[redwind]

April will be two years that I lost my wonderful husband to cancer. I have no children and nearest family member is 500 miles away.
I know you are in an extremely difficult place. I took it not one day at a time, but one hour at a time and some days it was just my goal to make it through the next minute.
I felt like I had not only lost my husband, but friends also started to disappear. There were many days when I even felt I had "lost" God.
I wish I had some wonderful words for you; a way to make the pain go away, but I have not been able to find any sort of a "magic wand".
For a long time guilt was my constant companion; I still experience times of extreme guilt. Again, there is no magic wand. Just getting through it one day or one hour at a time.
I will pray that God will provide you with some relief.

 

[Mazvita]

It happened to most of us. Somehow you feel guilt and keep on telling yourself if i had .......... this would not happen. It is normal to feel and wish you had done something to save her, but have u ever thought about it that If you have done that and saved her from death what about the pain she was going through. The misery of living in pain the misery of not be able to do what she used to do as a wife and mother. Do you really think it was fair for her to be alive up to day. With all she was going through.

Well my friends it was only after someone told me that I am a very selfish woman because all I wanted was to see my husband there but not considering what he was going through and the how he felt about his situation. Sometimes to was the best thing for the Lord to take them so that they rest in peace.

So my dear stop blaming yourself and pray that you will do the Lord's will so as to meet her when your time comes. And learn to let go and face reality. I am praying for you. As for me am still struggling to go on but I am doing well with the Lord's help.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Wow about someone telling you how selfish you were. No one told me that, but I remember thinking that he would tell me he was tired. Tired of fighting was what he meant and tired of being the way he had become and even though I wanted him to be here with me, I did not want him to be here suffering and so I told him......it was OK if he wanted to go. I loved him enough to not want him to suffer and he is not suffering now.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Hi, one thing I did when first widowed over 8 years' ago was that I joined a grief group and got counseling. However, my greatest solace has been in a church setting with a body of believers.

I appreciate your honesty in terms of the symptoms you describe. I recall having to put emotions on the back burner in order to take care of the business essentials that losing a spouse can manifest. I remember being under Dr.'s care too. Once legalities were out of the way, I thrust myself into house projects. Eventually I had some down time... alone. And it hit me... I'd been denying myself the privilege of grieving. And grieve I did.

My husband was special and hard to replace; however, I think I'm ready to meet someone again, just the thought of that has me somewhat elated. Regardless, Jesus comes first... and that includes His choice of a partner if it be His precious will. Blessings!

 

[LPetal]

My wife passed away 2 months ago. We had 10 years of a blessed life. Now I am finding hard not to obsess with what happened the night she passed. She had Multiple Slcerosis and it was progressing fast. I seem to be dwelling on the what if's, if only's, regrets, could I have saved her? I am depressed, physical pains, heart palpitations, choking, feel like I can't breathe. I do know we had the most wonderful Christian marriage I could ask for as we prayed, studied together. What I learned from a post is that Satan wants to keep is in this pitfall of regret and such. I know God has something beautiful planned for me, but as hard as it is, I am just terribly lonely, a basket case. Any ideas for getting back into life I would welcome very much, as I must turn this over to Christ, especially knowing she is with Him. Thanks, lost and desperate.

Breck

I just lost my husband too, after 10 years, and I know exactly what you mean. I am just staggering around the house, crying. And we moved to where we are only three years ago and I have NO support.

 

[LPetal]

First of all ((hugs)).

My husband died of cancer almost 3 years ago. In the end, it killed his brain. I had the hard responsibility of having to decide to discontinue treatment that was allowing his body to hang on in what was probably extreme pain. For months after that, I was haunted by the thought that maybe I allowed him to die too soon...if I just waited another day, maybe God would have healed him. However, God let me know that I didn't have that kind of power. I wasn't God and God was not limited by my time schedule. If it was in God's plan to heal him on this side of death, He could have done it. However, that wasn't in His plans. I loved him and that is the most anyone really can do and that is enough.

It is my experience from being on a number of widow forums that it is common to fixate on those last days. My humble opinion that this is just our minds way of coming to grips with something that is just uncomprehensible..."young people are not suppose to die". I know I relived those last days over and over...often from a different viewpoint. I finally had to accept that this was just his time to die and there was nothing in my power that I could have done to change it. I also experienced many months of "memory loss". I think it was my brains way of protecting me from too many thoughts and memories. Over time, the good memories came back and those last days have faded. Mostly, my memories are the happy ones now. Give it time. I suspect you will find the same.

It is also my observation that often men have a hard time "forgiving themselves" because they see themselves as the protector of their family. You did not fail her. You loved her and did everything that was in your power to do. Life belongs to God and we do not have the power to decide when it begins or when it ends. Your wife loved you. Learn to love yourself with that same love...and take care of yourself.

Griefshare.org is a Christian grief support group that is offered nationwide. Go to the website and plug in your zipcode and it will show you any programs that are going on near your home. There is some comfort in having a couple hours a week when you don't have to wear the mask anymore and just being with other people who understand how deep it is possible to hurt. This is a program where you watch a video about some aspect of grief and then you discuss it (if you want). You only share what you choose to share.

In the meantime, realize that you are at the very beginning of a long journey. It is one that you can do...but it must be taken one day at a time. When this seems too much, face it one moment at a time. Be gentle on yourself. And lean on God because He really does care.

Blackribbon, again your message is very good.

 

[Rememberme]

I just lost my husband too, after 10 years, and I know exactly what you mean. I am just staggering around the house, crying. And we moved to where we are only three years ago and I have NO support.

Hi LPetal,Sorry you have to be here,of all place, in the widows forum.It is not a dark place it will help you with this time you are going through.There is no way around the horrible pain you are feeling right now.Jesus will be with you through it .Comforting moments.My husband passed away from lung cancer Sept.2011 so it will be almost 6 mos.this month.The first of your grief will be extremely painful.Half of you just left.So it hurts bad.It is a process you have to do.Don't worry about getting pass the pain you will go through the pain.It does lighten up with time.I still cry every day but it is not gut wretching.I wish you had some support around you.Do you have a home church you attend?
If you stay connected here you will find alot of good advice.Anything that concerns you please share it with us.We are here and don't have all the anwsers but can help you.Welcome and we care.

 

[Christianwidow]

I just lost my husband too, after 10 years, and I know exactly what you mean. I am just staggering around the house, crying. And we moved to where we are only three years ago and I have NO support.

Good evening LPetal,
I am very sorry to hear of your loss. Please join us on this forum as we share our stories of how the Lord is and has seen us through. Please know we are here to help one another. Some, like you, have just begun the journey. Others, like me, have been on this journey for a very long time. But with the help of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, we will prevail.

Christian Widow

 

[Mazvita]

I am sorry for all your loss. I am also a widow, blaming yourself or the feeling or thought that IF I HAD DONE THIS OR IF ONLY; MAY BE, I DID NOT DO ENOUGH. I think its very normal to feel that way, we seem to be going through that most of us. To be honest it hurts, it takes all the energy, I felt am nuked, I felt there was something very wrong about me. Everyone seemed not to want to associate with me, I felt like an outcast, stranger, a burden the list can go on. I was ashamed of myself I was full of confusion. Its now 3yrs but I still cry, I feel very lonely and sad. I keep on thinking if he was alive we should have done this or we should be doing this together. What I can only say is look unto Jesus, there is no grief or sorrow that Jesus can not heal, The real comfort comes from Him. I thought I would not stop crying, I almost gave up my job and everything but I am back at work, I am picking up the pieces with Jesus all things are possible. What I can advice you is not to loose focus, do not make major decisions and also keep on telling yourself that you did your best. Do not withdraw from friends, activities you used to do. I still hate going to sleep because thus when my horror mainly came, very lonely so I listen to the the Audio bible, music or watch a movie though I sometimes sleep with tears but its working. Put your earphones, close your eyes and meditate on what you are listerning, you can even say it aloud. Just don't forget to pray. It takes time my dear friends but with God, He will carry us through.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I am sorry for all your loss. I am also a widow, blaming yourself or the feeling or thought that IF I HAD DONE THIS OR IF ONLY; MAY BE, I DID NOT DO ENOUGH. I think its very normal to feel that way, we seem to be going through that most of us. To be honest it hurts, it takes all the energy, I felt am nuked, I felt there was something very wrong about me. Everyone seemed not to want to associate with me, I felt like an outcast, stranger, a burden the list can go on. I was ashamed of myself I was full of confusion. Its now 3yrs but I still cry, I feel very lonely and sad. I keep on thinking if he was alive we should have done this or we should be doing this together. What I can only say is look unto Jesus, there is no grief or sorrow that Jesus can not heal, The real comfort comes from Him. I thought I would not stop crying, I almost gave up my job and everything but I am back at work, I am picking up the pieces with Jesus all things are possible. What I can advice you is not to loose focus, do not make major decisions and also keep on telling yourself that you did your best. Do not withdraw from friends, activities you used to do. I still hate going to sleep because thus when my horror mainly came, very lonely so I listen to the the Audio bible, music or watch a movie though I sometimes sleep with tears but its working. Put your earphones, close your eyes and meditate on what you are listerning, you can even say it aloud. Just don't forget to pray. It takes time my dear friends but with God, He will carry us through.

Very wise words. The thing you said that stuck out for me that is important to re-emphasize is not to make any major decisions. Very important. I remember being in a fog somewhat and just knowing I wasn't even capable of making any big moves in any direction. Talk to God ALOT! He is there and He hears you. You can cry, scream or whatever, it will not surprise God or make Him love you any less. He knows this pain you are experiencing. Try to imagine your loved one happy and healthy now with Jesus. It helps if you have someone that you can talk with that won't judge you. It may sound weird, but I never had the what if thoughts. I believe we are appointed when we will die and that's it. What I did think about is why does my bible say lay hands on the sick and they SHALL recover. But then God showed me that He DID heal my husband in the best way possible, just not here on this earth. We are also here for you to vent to if you need us.

 

[LPetal]

Yes, thank you

I am in despair at the moment, today I still find it hard to believe my sweet Eddie is not coming back. I feel that someone (God) cut my heart out whilst I am still living, and because I am a Christian I would never take my own life, but I wished I'd died with him. We never wanted to be without the other, and I don't care what 'jobs' I still have to 'do for the Lord' or any other crap (sorry for the language) but I just wish we died together as I don't see the point without him. I have never been so lonely in my life. Truth. No glossing over it with empty vessel talk here.

Hi LPetal,Sorry you have to be here,of all place, in the widows forum.It is not a dark place it will help you with this time you are going through.There is no way around the horrible pain you are feeling right now.Jesus will be with you through it .Comforting moments.My husband passed away from lung cancer Sept.2011 so it will be almost 6 mos.this month.The first of your grief will be extremely painful.Half of you just left.So it hurts bad.It is a process you have to do.Don't worry about getting pass the pain you will go through the pain.It does lighten up with time.I still cry every day but it is not gut wretching.I wish you had some support around you.Do you have a home church you attend?
If you stay connected here you will find alot of good advice.Anything that concerns you please share it with us.We are here and don't have all the anwsers but can help you.Welcome and we care.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yes, thank you

I am in despair at the moment, today I still find it hard to believe my sweet Eddie is not coming back. I feel that someone (God) cut my heart out whilst I am still living, and because I am a Christian I would never take my own life, but I wished I'd died with him. We never wanted to be without the other, and I don't care what 'jobs' I still have to 'do for the Lord' or any other crap (sorry for the language) but I just wish we died together as I don't see the point without him. I have never been so lonely in my life. Truth. No glossing over it with empty vessel talk here.

I can totally relate. I wondered (and still do) why it wasn't me first. He was always the one talking to everyone about the Lord, not me. I still don't understand, but I do believe there must be some purpose in it somewhere.

 

[LPetal]

I'd better stop talking, or I'll surely depress someone here...

I am aware they're others reading this.

I can totally relate. I wondered (and still do) why it wasn't me first. He was always the one talking to everyone about the Lord, not me. I still don't understand, but I do believe there must be some purpose in it somewhere.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I respectfully disagree. Someone else might feel exactly as you do, but not have the courage to verbalize it. It's painful pure and simple and there is no easy way about it.