TexasGirl,
I am so sorry for your losses. I have lost family members and friends suddenly and unexpectedly, but I don't have children and can't imagine how much it must hurt to lose them. I am so sorry. Your pain will not be fully healed until Heaven, but I do pray that God ministers to that pain and brings His peace into your life in a way that surpasses understanding.
I am sorry for your financial situation too. I will be honest-- sometimes, down here on Earth, it simply is very hard (if not impossible) to always know what God is up to in our lives. We can know one thing for certain though-- He is on our side. He is not against us, no matter confusing or maddening the circumstances of our lives may be. I'm not saying these things lightly either. I have been through more tragedy and trauma than I can almost stand to think about, and I'm still not sure exactly what was God was always doing in the midst of it (other than helping me to stay alive and not lose my mind-- which, actually, is quite a lot!). However, I do know that He was with me in those times-- just as He is with you now. He loves you and cares for you. The biggest proof of His love is that He has already taken care of your (and my, and everyone's) deepest problem-- sin. Sin is worse than cancer or bankruptcy or any other scourge that this life holds. In saving us from the ultimate consequences of sin (which would be an eternity without Him, in utter despair), God actually lost a child Himself. He gave up His only child, His son, to save us from our own hard-hearted rebellion. What a gift, what an expression of perfect love!
Please understand-- I am not saying any of this to minimize your current pain and struggles. I know how strong the desire for tangible blessings in this life can be (whether the blessing is a marriage, a child, financial security, a long life for a loved one, personal health, etc.), and I know how much it hurts when those blessings aren't granted to us (at least not when we want them to be). My heart utterly aches for your losses and trials. It just aches. God is not happy about about your first husband's sin and how much it hurt you. From what I know of God from His word, I believe that He is grieved and angry about your ex's sin. God hates sin, even more than we do. However, in order for true love to be possible in this world, we must have free will-- and with free will comes the choice to do good or evil. Your first husband made the wrong choice and sinned, and that was terribly painful and tragic for you. However, your second husband has made the right choice, the choice to love and honour you. However, if order for any of us to make the right choices, we also have to have the option of making the wrong, hurtful choices. It's hard, and I'll admit that I'm not always happy (to say the least) with how our God-given free will works out down here on Earth. Do I have a better set-up though? Nope... because God is God, and I'm not.
God has brought you some wonderful blessings too-- a second husband and two sons. Life has pain, real pain (as you know all too well), but it also has beauty. We can't
expect or
demand beauty and blessings though, because we live in a fallen world that is stained by sin. The fact that there is any beauty in this world at all is a miracle in itself. So, I try to enjoy the blessings when they come... and let everything else lead me to a deeper longing for God and for eternity with Him. Easier said than done, though, especially when I am in the middle of that "everything else".... but the truth is, when it comes down to it, the ultimate point of this life is not being happy but being holy. Not that being happy is a bad thing, not at all-- but it is only one part of life, and it's not the ultimate point (at least not from a Bilblical perspective). I say this as a physically disabled man whose mother committed suicide when he was nine years old... I include those details just to say that I am not writing from a place of being cold to your suffering, or being unable to empathize with you. I am truly, truly sorry for what you have been through and for what you are going through now. These losses and pains can bring you into a deeper relationship with God though, if you will let them. That is my ultimate prayer for you, because it is only in a deeper relationship with Him that you will find your deepest peace through the trials and tribulations of life. I hope that you take my words here in a spirit of love and encouragement, for that is definitely how they are meant.
God bless you and keep you, my sister in Christ.
Your brother in Christ,
Chris