Frigid Husband (!)

[Breezyberlin]

My hubby and I have been married for 3-1/2 years. We are very good friends, we enjoy birding together and watching movies; we laugh a lot. We do not have sex a lot. feel like I am the only wife with this problem!
Our marriage is not sexless. We have sex every 8-9 days on average. But this is not enough for me. I yearn to be intimate with him, far more often. I suffer when he is "too tired"... yet again. If I initiate sex, he usually says "no." I have to wait for him to be in the mood. (Which can feel like a long wait, especially when I am already ready to go!)
I have read countless articles about this topic. I have tried many things to get us going; sexy talk; sexy touches (both of these things make him embarrassed, or ilicit no response); I have attempted walking around naked, as well as showing him only peeks, more alluring, no success. Sexy lingirie, he is completely indifferent to. Any kind of sexual touching in public, even if it is hidden, is horrible to him.
I have asked him point blank what I can do to increase our sex. He says he loves me and he wants no change.
I have also simply explained to him, "I need to have sex more than once a week. Can we please do that." He says, "Yes, of course." But then we don't.
He has given two reasons why, he thinks, he isn't interested very often.
- Maybe he just doesn't have much of a sex drive. This I doubt. He was very interested in sex before we got married. He had several women before me and, by his own account, had sex with them far more frequently. All of this he has repented for and had counselling about.
- It isn't exciting since we are married. (We didn't have premarital sex, but he did)
I have asked him what we can do to make our sex-life more thrilling and suggested some things. He gets VERY uncomfortable, doesn't want to talk about it. He says that he is perfectly satisfied with our sex life and wouldn't change a thing. This situation feels very painful for me. I don't have a clue what to do!

 

[JohnNess]

There are a couple possibilities that spring to mind:
1. He may have low testosterone levels. This can happen due to diet, stress, being overweight, or aging (men's testosterone production starts declining around 30). There are ways to improve his levels, which might lead to an increase in sex drive.
2. It might be an emotional thing. If he was with several other women before and feels ashamed, even subconsciously, he might be rejecting you because he doesn't feel he's good enough for you or doesn't deserve that pleasure. Even you telling him you've forgiven him won't help if he hasn't forgiven himself. Perhaps talking to him about whether he still feels shame and if so, trying to work through that with him, might help.
Unfortunately, you may need to continue to be patient. As someone who had some unhealthy attitudes about sex himself, it can take a while to get over them, even with the most stalwart encouragement from an eager wife.

 

[tall73]

I posted this in another thread a while back, but sometimes it is chemical. If he is not getting proper nutrition it can impact interest. Try supplementing some Zinc and Magnesium. And as the other poster mentioned, hormone levels can matter as well.

And as the previous poster mentioned he may be having issues with earlier acts mentally, feeling ashamed, or guilty.

Or he might feel that sex is still wrong because he associates it with the other relationships.

Or he might have avoided having pre-marital sex with you by largely shutting down his sex drive, and now has a mental block.

Or he is negatively comparing some aspect of sex with you to sex with earlier women.

Or he misses some sexual activity that he did with them that he doesn't do with you (either doesn't want to ask, or perhaps now thinks it is wrong, etc.)

And then there is the possibility, all too common today, that he is using inappropriate content instead.

Or he is having performance issues and gets nervous.

Hard to say. We don't know much about the situation so far. It sounds like otherwise the relationship is good, so it may be just something he is not telling you, but not a big crisis.

However, one thing you said raises some red flags. If he is saying that it is not exciting since marriage, and he didn't have it with you before marriage, then round-a-bout he seems to be saying that he doesn't find sex with you exciting. And I think that would be a big deal to just about any married person, if you have accurately characterized the conversation previously.

He has basically said he enjoyed sex with all the women before you more, and then wants to let that topic go? I don't think that would fly with too many spouses. Put the question to him this way and see what he says.

It is possible his desire just changed over time as to frequency. How long ago were these other relationship?

As usual, it is hard to know what to advise until we get a bit more idea of the situation.

 

[LinkH]

I think you've gotten some good advice so far. Maybe you could show him that video on the other thread and discuss it with him. You should also consider that, whether on purpose or not, he might be exaggerating how often he had sex with previous girlfriends. Sometimes people have a lot of sex at the beginning of a relationship, including marriage, but frequency dies down as the novelty wears off.

Personally, I think a man should be willing and even pursue her a bit, at least offer, to make her feel pursued, even if he isn't especially in the mood. Men like to be wanted, but it just seems like this might be a bigger need for women. If he's not doing that, then you may feel like you are missing something. But even so, more frequency, even if he isn't passionately pursuing it, may be a good thing. So if he agrees to sex more than once a week, go get a calendar and write down days and specific times and have him agree to it. (You can use an X or a code if other people see the calendar.) You could mark one time for right then and there and get to work. I know, it's unromantic and unspontaneous, but it may get the ball rolling. Bring him one of those articles about a couple who took some challenge, sex everything for a year, or for 21 days and see if he'll do a 'challenge' with you as a one-off thing.

Does your husband exercise? Maybe if he started running, weight lifting, or some other exercise, it would help. He might have more energy.

There is always offering a massage. It may be temping for him if you are good at it. If you do it right, you may be able to get him in the mood.

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

Your husband agreed to having sex more than once a week. "Yes, of course" Have you asked him why he hasn't followed through?

 

[ParentofChildren]

My hubby and I have been married for 3-1/2 years. We are very good friends, we enjoy birding together and watching movies; we laugh a lot. We do not have sex a lot. feel like I am the only wife with this problem!
Our marriage is not sexless. We have sex every 8-9 days on average. But this is not enough for me. I yearn to be intimate with him, far more often. I suffer when he is "too tired"... yet again. If I initiate sex, he usually says "no." I have to wait for him to be in the mood. (Which can feel like a long wait, especially when I am already ready to go!)
I have read countless articles about this topic. I have tried many things to get us going; sexy talk; sexy touches (both of these things make him embarrassed, or ilicit no response); I have attempted walking around naked, as well as showing him only peeks, more alluring, no success. Sexy lingirie, he is completely indifferent to. Any kind of sexual touching in public, even if it is hidden, is horrible to him.
I have asked him point blank what I can do to increase our sex. He says he loves me and he wants no change.
I have also simply explained to him, "I need to have sex more than once a week. Can we please do that." He says, "Yes, of course." But then we don't.
He has given two reasons why, he thinks, he isn't interested very often.
- Maybe he just doesn't have much of a sex drive. This I doubt. He was very interested in sex before we got married. He had several women before me and, by his own account, had sex with them far more frequently. All of this he has repented for and had counselling about.
- It isn't exciting since we are married. (We didn't have premarital sex, but he did)
I have asked him what we can do to make our sex-life more thrilling and suggested some things. He gets VERY uncomfortable, doesn't want to talk about it. He says that he is perfectly satisfied with our sex life and wouldn't change a thing. This situation feels very painful for me. I don't have a clue what to do!

Did you discuss your sexual interests as marrieds? Preferences, frequency, etc? Any change? Has there been a marital change since the wedding? Are you close personally? Could he be engaged with inappropriate content, sorry have to ask. Has he undergone a physical change since wedding; medical condition, or meds? How is work, family finances? People average 2-3 times per week, and you are less than that. Ask him to engage for the intimacy one morning a week just because you like him

 

[Dave-W]

What kind of sexual messages did he receive as a child? If it all was "DON'T DON'T Don't" or it was evil or sinful, then the attraction to it before marriage may have been that it was forbidden fruit. Now that it is legal to have sex, that "forbidden fruit" part of it is gone and with it the desire for it.

If that is the case you need to find a good BIBLICAL counselor who can get at the root this problem.

BTW, how old is he? Has he been married before?

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

One unexpected consequence of marriage for some of us is that sex can easily go from being this fun simple act to this incredibly complicated emotionally tangled thing that carries a possibility of serious medical conditions or death for her via pregnancy/delivery complications.

It is quite an adjustment not to over think it. Takes a while until that stops working against you.

If it isn't too personal, is pregnancy (especially a difficult one) possibly on his mind? Don't answer if too personal, but the physical safety of our spouse ranks high on the list of concerns.

 

[LinkH]

Your husband agreed to having sex more than once a week. "Yes, of course" Have you asked him why he hasn't followed through?

The thing is, though, given the way he's acted in the past, it's unlikely that he's going to be the one who makes it happen unless he's really had a change of mind (metanoia) about this. I suppose he could really commit to it and decide he's going to pursue his wife.

Personally, I think a man who knows his wife wants more should pursue her for it if he's not in the mood, taking the lead, and making her feel pursued.

It's not going to just happen unless they make it happen. But she may have to 'make it happen' if it's going to happen. It may sound unromantic, but if he agrees to more than once a week, they can agree to a day of the week and a time at night. Maybe asking him if he could do something to set the tone for the evening, buy flowers, light candles, prepare the meal, etc. and planning it in advance would get him into a mode where he remembers and starts doing things to move toward the activity that was planned. (It sounds like a lot of trouble for something so simple, but if it helps him get into the right mind set, why not?)

 

[mkgal1]

(oops. wrong thread)

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well they say sex slows down after awhile. But I find it varies due to any number of reasons. Every day would be great with me, but you have to learn you may not always get what you want. Even though the urges can be strong to want it. But its why couples should talk about the subject.

1. Heres what I want from sex. What do you want from sex?
2. What turns you on? Here what turns me on.
3. Is there something new you want to try? Heres what I want to try.
4. Is it my body? something I do wrong? Pleasure maybe?


And of course a last resort is seeing a counselor, which is probably hard since sex can be sensitive in nature. I like what Dave mentioned because as young christians we are pounded with "SEX BAD!" as a kid so I see so many that when married still fear sex or anything "new" in sex because no one bothered to teach them "Your married now, enjoy sex and what you want to do in it!". We need to raise kids to see sex is bad BEFORE marriage, but after "Go wild!" for lack of better terms lol.

 

[Brianlear]

First thing, address physical health, sleep, stress levels.

Next, rule out obvious things like, he is using inappropriate content and spending his sexual energy on that and not you.

Also, address the psychological.

 

[OGM]

Also remember...some people are just not very sexual. Sex drives vary widely in people.

 

[Matthias Rose]

This is a more common problem than you might think. Society tends to emphasize the mismatch in libido where the male has all the extra desire, but I have seen this mismatch more frequently with the higher sex drive in the woman, especially in people over 35 or so. The common wisdom is that women's sex drives continue to increase even into their 60s, while men start to subside in their 30s. There is some hormonal support for this, but...

It does not need to be true.

What it does need is a desire, on the part of both partners, to meet. To match and harmonize their libido.

In the first place, it sounds like your husband is uncomfortable with his sexuality -- or yours! He may have shame associated with his own sexuality, or he may have unhelpful patterns imprinted around female sexuality. Some threads of Christianity really emphasize female "purity" as being non-sexual, which is an extremely unfortunate pattern. If he grew up in a home that was very negative about sexuality, or a community that taught that sex was somehow impure, he may have a lot of shame and inner conflict about his own desires. And he may not want to deal with it. And if he doesn't want to deal with it, there's not a lot you can do. He needs to take responsibility for his own spiritual health!

He may need to see a counsellor. Together, you both might want to see a counsellor. Yes, one who can meet you on the grounds of your own faith, but in particular, one who works with sexuality.

But I can tell you: there is nothing necessary about this state of affairs. Men or women can dramatically increase their libido if they want to. Couples in their sixties or seventies can re-ignite their sexuality; and so can the two of you. But you both need to want to. And it may require some soul searching and some hard spiritual work for one or both of you.

And if he flat out doesn't want to do the work, you will have your own work to do to ensure that you do not end up frustrated, bitter, resentful, and unhappy. There are approaches for that as well. Some would choose not to stay in the marriage if he's unwilling to be a full partner. In Jewish society, sexual pleasure was a wife's right:

Talmud, Ketubot 61b
“The times for conjugal duty prescribed in the Torah are: for men of independent means, every day; for laborers, twice a week; for donkey drivers, once a week; for camel drivers, once in thirty days; for sailors, once in six months.”

But there are ways to channel your own sexual energy so that it does not become a frustration, and instead becomes a resource for you in your life.

In short: HE needs to take responsibility for his spiritual and sexual health, and his marital obligations. YOU need to take responsibility for your spiritual health and your choices about how to handle his withdrawing of connection. However this unfolds, approaching what is probably a deeply uncomfortable and challenging situation with love and compassion will be your best path.

 

[iLove]

God intended sex to be a spiritual relationship. Daniel 4:32 states that heaven rules over all the affairs of earth. So until we address the spiritual cause of a problem, we will never fix the physical effect of a problem. Many Christians immediately leave the Kingdom of God and go to the world (tree of knowledge of good and evil) that leaves God out intentionally. When you do that you immediately disconnect yourself from the power of the cross of Christ. Now you are on your own.

1 Corinthians 7:5 says let married couples cease their sexual activity in order to fast and pray for the Lord's mercy and forgiveness. Whatever need or burden a married couple may be facing, it is appropriate for them abstain from sex by agreement for a time in prayer. So that you will see a miracle...Yes, God can and will work miracles.

Galatians 2:20 NLT
My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.