Friends of the Opposite Sex

[clarkkent79]

When you are dating, engaged, or married what boundries should be on your relationship with others from the opposite sex? Does being seperated such as being away at college eaffect the way relationships should be handled?

How much trust should be given and what should not be tolerated? If you feel a friendship forming should you say to the person "sorry but i am with someone already and it wouldn't be apporpriate to be friends with you"? Or should the person you are with respect your right and trust you to be able to have friendship of the opposite sex? Would walking someone to class and talking about the weather be to far over the line?

And finaly what would you do if you were in a relationship with someone who did not like you having friends of the opposite sex? Do you drop those friends? or does the other person learn to accept your frinds?

 

[sweetmercy]

This is a difficult topic, and I think it depends on each individual couple. I think its fine to have friends of the opposite sex, as long as there isn't too much time spent alone together. However, if your significant other REALLY has a problem with it, its best to respect him/her by putting more boundaries on the friendship. This is okay only as long as your SO is not also controlling in other ways that may be/become abusive. (Does that make sense? I hope so!) It's best to be discerning in this area. Also, I think that if one partner has a history of say, cheating, then yes, as a way to earn respect and trust they should not carry on opposite sex friendships. Just my humble opinion
Jen J.

 

[StephanieD]

I'd agree with sweetmercy. I wouldn't spend much alone time with someone of the opposite sex, if at all outside a group. My bf and I have decided not to spend any time alone with someone of the opposite sex without consulting one another first. Then, time spent would only be in a public place. No car rides together.
It all depends on your relationship and such. If you have friends before you begin to date and you set those types of boundaries, make sure those friends know. Usually, they'll respect them.
I don't have a ton of opposite sex relationships other then the spouses of my friends, so it's not a huge problem, but the rules apply for them too.

 

[Iggster]

I think sweetmercy is right on the money.....Although, since I don't cheat and have remained friends with my ex's, I would have a problem with the girl telling me I can't see my friends, or ex's.

 

[clarkkent79]

Last semester at a school in MI, I sat next to a girl in biology class. We had assigned seats she was at the very end of the row, I was the only person seated near her. She would often say good morning or some other small talk before class. Once I saw her in the library and she asked me about class. This was a huge burden on me and my fiancés relationship.

If I approach a girl and say hi or something do you think I am crossing the line?


On the first day of the class that I am in now I have meet a girl that lived about 30 minutes away from me in New Jersey. We talked, while we waited for the teacher who was running late. While waiting She asked for my phone number. I then made it clear that I was engaged. And she made it clear that she was asking because she knew that I was new around campus and don’t have any friends. She offered to introduce me to her boyfriend and their guy friends. Was it wrong for me to give her my number? I felt like I would be rude saying “No, I rather not give you my number” since her motives were to help me out. During chapel break we walked to chapel together and I sat with her and her boyfriend of about 2 years. On the second day of class I didn’t talk to her as much or at least one on one. I was able to get to know some of the guys in the class. Before chapel break she asked me if I was going to chapel again. I said yes, and a few people from our class started heading for chapel. She turned to the door away from the rest of the class to walk there on the sidewalk outside. I was a bit confused to what she was doing, she then motioned that she wanted to smoke a cigarette before chapel started. So instead of walking with the people I didn’t know as well I choose to walk with her. I also felt bad she was going to walk by herself outside in the snow. At the chapel we met with her boyfriend and their friends and listened to the speaker. This girl seems very nice, her boyfriend seems nice and their friends seem nice. Is it wrong for me to do things like walk with a girl to class or chapel or whatever it might be if i am going to the same place?



None of these girls have shown any interest in me and are not flirty. When I meet a flirty girl or a girl that seems interested in me I distance myself as much as I can without seeming rude or mean. I do not intend on turning any of these relationships into close friendships. My Fiancé has told me that she is very hurt by what I have done. In her anger she frequently talks in derogatory terms when referring to these people. When I defend them against her accusations and name calling she claims that I must like them more than her or something.


I am very confused about what to do now in my life. I know God has called me into the visual arts. And I have always had a heart for ministering to other artist. The art classroom and the art world in general are very social oriented. The classrooms and the school in general have more girls then guys. It is almost impossible to avoid contact with the opposite sex. I have become more reclusive, and I fear that it will affect my ability to interact with and minister to non-Christians at the secular graduate school I choose and in the art world. Throughout the day I fear that a girl may talk to me about something, and I worry how my Fiancé will respond when I tell her everything that happened during the day. She is not like this about girls we both know back home, the problem mainly exist when i am at school. what shouold i do?

 

[StephanieD]

My Fiancé has told me that she is very hurt by what I have done. In her anger she frequently talks in derogatory terms when referring to these people. When I defend them against her accusations and name calling she claims that I must like them more than her or something.

It sounds to me that your fiance has some type of trust issue. I think it would be important for you to discuss that with her, especially if you may have a job where you are interacting with the opposite sex quite often. I work at a job that is dominated by men. My bf has no problem with me talking to them one-on-one or training them, etc. I have never become chummy with them outside of work, but my bf knows that I would never be interested in anyone else because I am committed to him. You need to make that point clear to your fiance. Otherwise, this could continue to be a problem.

I think you handled the phone number issue fine. You made sure that you have a fiance and I think it's nice the girl was trying to introduce you to other guys. If you ever feel that something is wrong in a situation, then feel free to trust your gut. You don't want to get yourself into a situation where the girl really IS interested in you.
I don't see how walking from one place to the next is a problem as long as you're not spending extended time outside of class discussing life and such. Everyone walks. As long as you are committed to the relationship you're in, I think you need to focus on helping your fiance understand that.

 

[Living4Him03]

I think it's a good idea when you are in a relationship to be sure and bring it up in conversation when you are first getting to know someone. When I was dating Jon, I met my friend Alex. He knew I had a boyfriend and was careful about making sure if we were to hang out that Jon would not be upset. I think it's important to mention your relationship to new opposite sex friends and even introduce them to your s/o if possible. That way it's clear that you are with someone. However, you want to make sure you aren't being rude by continuously pointing out that you are taken. That can get annoying. I think spending a lot of time alone with opposite sex friends is not a good idea. That just makes it harder to trust someone, even if your s/o knows when you are hanging out, etc. Sometimes someone is into you and you are taken and you just think they're being a good friend! My pet peeve is guys hanging with their ex g/fs. I can understand if he's still friends with her and we go on a double date or something. But if she still thinks he is hers, etc. NO. lol. The ex has to go. She is an ex for a reason!

 

[Iggster]

My pet peeve is guys hanging with their ex g/fs. I can understand if he's still friends with her and we go on a double date or something. But if she still thinks he is hers, etc. NO. lol. The ex has to go. She is an ex for a reason!

I strongly disagree. I have a very good relationship with my ex, and the only thing we had left after we broke up was our friendship. I think that's worth doing.....Especially when I made a promise that we would still be friends even if we weren't together. Sometimes, minus the romance, my ex understand me more than the person I'm with. And I'd appreciate my woman more for trusting me on that. Just my .02 cents.........

 

[unjustwar]

When you are dating, engaged, or married what boundries should be on your relationship with others from the opposite sex?

Try to limit your encounters with the opposite sex... no matter how much trust etc its natural to be jealous etc, and its hard to control hormones.

Does being seperated such as being away at college eaffect the way relationships should be handled?

Don't know yet but im about to find out in a year.

How much trust should be given and what should not be tolerated?

Relationships should be based on trust, but it doesn't mean you should abuse your trust. kissing, close contact is definately a NO

If you feel a friendship forming should you say to the person "sorry but i am with someone already and it wouldn't be apporpriate to be friends with you"? Or should the person you are with respect your right and trust you to be able to have friendship of the opposite sex?

Keep the friendship distant. try not too spend too much time with them.


Would walking someone to class and talking about the weather be to far over the line?

No perfectly innocent

And finaly what would you do if you were in a relationship with someone who did not like you having friends of the opposite sex?

Maybe you should rethink your relationship. having a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend could be a bad idea. I completely trust my girlfriend and i would never say who she could see or not see.

Do you drop those friends? or does the other person learn to accept your frinds?

Well naturally your going to distance yourself from opposite sex friends. The other person should accept your friends.

 

[mostie]

It seems to me that friends of the opposite sex are a pretty dangerous thing to have....the reason I say that, is let's say that you're having a problem with your significant other...in order to gain perspective, you ask your male/female friend for advice- and in essence you're talking to them when you should be talking to your SO....im not saying this can always happen, it doesn't- but why ask for trouble? We have a tendency if there are issues at times in the relationship with your SO (and there usually are...the only people ive met who have never had a disagreement or argument in a relationship are generally those who absolutely don't address anything uncomfortable, and keep things light and on the surface so there AREN'T any problems...) to listen to the advice of an opposite sex friend, and tend to see them as being so much more ...reasonable, etc. than our SO. Like I said, im not saying this always happens...but it often can and does, and when it does, it's dangerous. ive had lots of male friends....and ive pretty well given them up for my SO.....there are sacrifices we sometimes have to make for our relationships (such as dating others, etc.), and to me (this is just an opinion, and im making it concerning my relationship-) this is one of the things that I need to give up. He has given it up as well. Only because there is always the chance that it could accidently turn into something more, and it's just not worth taking a chance that it might.

 

[Living4Him03]

I strongly disagree. I have a very good relationship with my ex, and the only thing we had left after we broke up was our friendship. I think that's worth doing.....Especially when I made a promise that we would still be friends even if we weren't together. Sometimes, minus the romance, my ex understand me more than the person I'm with. And I'd appreciate my woman more for trusting me on that. Just my .02 cents.........

Here's the thing: At one time you were dating that person. She was close to you and in some cases too close. Not saying that's your situation, but I know with several of my ex's that was the case. If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't blame him for not wanting me to spend time with my ex. I was very close to my ex in more ways than one and I just don't think it's a good idea to put myself in a situation where feelings could develop even if both of us swear that we are just friends and nothing more will ever again develop. It's about respect for the person you are currently dating. If you want them to trust you, dont go out with your ex all the time. Again, an ex is different than someone who has never dated you. It's hard to explain, but it's really about respect. Trust is important, but that doesnt mean she has to feel okay about you going on "dates" with your ex! Sorry, that's just not a good idea, imo.

 

[sculpturegirl]

I was seeing a fellow who as friends with his exes. He cheated on me with them while we were dating. Don't think it is a good idea.

Not saying that everyone would cheat, but why give even "the appearence of evil."

I have a lot of male friends, no exes, but don't go out with them except in groups. We occasionally talk on the phone, as we are colleagues.

 

[jarrol]

i think it's different with every couple... i totally trust my SO already knowing that most of her friends are male... coming from a Bretho church - she's just always hung around with guys.

 

[Iggster]

I'm working on a year long project that needs my ex's input. I'm not dropping my friendship because someone can't trust me. On the same token, of course I would have us work on the project in a public place. And whoever I'm with, can either come with me, or check every so often to see where I'm at. If I can't hold my own with my ex, then I shouldn't be there. And whoever I'm with is great in translating Japanese to English, then I wouldn't see my ex.

 

[Living4Him03]

It's not so much about trusting your s/o...it's trusting the people around them and realzing that we are all sinners and all can fall to temptation.