Either I'm insane or something is going on

[sdmsanjose]

1. Doesn't take responsibility as head of the household
2. Doesn't wear his wedding ring
3. Doesn't go to church (he'd rather sleep)
4. Doesn't pray except if I say "let's pray" at mealtimes and then I'm the one who prays 'cause he doesn't want to.
5. Speaks very highly of and spends a lot of time with two particular women at work...goes out to lunch with one or the other almost daily.
6. Spends nearly all his time at work, sleeps and lays around at home.
7. Very mean and highly critical of me.
8. Very mean and highly critical of our 5 year old - I feel like I have to run interference.
9. Makes sure there's time and money for his pursuits but I haven't done or purchased anything for myself in over 5 years. I did buy lotions for myself at my birthday 2 years ago and I go to the salon for a good hair cut and style once every year or so.

Please tell me I'm not insane

JEN, you are not insane but you maybe if he keeps up the above activity and attitudes.

I am a man if were doing the above it would mean that my marriage is in trouble. Either I resent my life, my marriage, I feel trapped, or I am sinning against God and am not contented.

Your husband’s refusal to stop having lunch with other women and refusing to have lunch with you is a HUGE red flag!!!

The title of your thread is “ Either I'm insane or something is going on”

SOMETHING IS GOING ON!!

I highly recommend the book “LOVE MUST BE TOUGH” by James Dobson. I believe that book is very helpful in preventing a marriage from doing almost unrepairable damage. I think Joyful can comment on that book.

 

[HisdaughterJen]

1. Doesn't take responsibility as head of the household
2. Doesn't wear his wedding ring
3. Doesn't go to church (he'd rather sleep)
4. Doesn't pray except if I say "let's pray" at mealtimes and then I'm the one who prays 'cause he doesn't want to.
5. Speaks very highly of and spends a lot of time with two particular women at work...goes out to lunch with one or the other almost daily.
6. Spends nearly all his time at work, sleeps and lays around at home.
7. Very mean and highly critical of me.
8. Very mean and highly critical of our 5 year old - I feel like I have to run interference.
9. Makes sure there's time and money for his pursuits but I haven't done or purchased anything for myself in over 5 years. I did buy lotions for myself at my birthday 2 years ago and I go to the salon for a good hair cut and style once every year or so.

Please tell me I'm not insane

JEN, you are not insane but you maybe if he keeps up the above activity and attitudes.

I am a man if were doing the above it would mean that my marriage is in trouble. Either I resent my life, my marriage, I feel trapped, or I am sinning against God and am not contented.

Your husband’s refusal to stop having lunch with other women and refusing to have lunch with you is a HUGE red flag!!!

The title of your thread is “ Either I'm insane or something is going on”

SOMETHING IS GOING ON!!

I highly recommend the book “LOVE MUST BE TOUGH” by James Dobson. I believe that book is very helpful in preventing a marriage from doing almost unrepairable damage. I think Joyful can comment on that book.

Thanks, I'll see if I can find the book. I enjoy James Dobson.

Yes, he may feel trapped. The summer, he made a comment that people from work were going to Las Vegas for a week for a seminar. I asked him why he wasn't going too and he said sarcastically, "because my mommy won't let me". I said, "huh? What does your mom have to do with it?". He said, "No, YOU! I said, "I didn't even know about it and we could've worked it out (one pre-schooler, one toddler at home) so that you could go if it was really important"...I said, "maybe we could've all gone together". He said, "Forget it". I said, "I can't believe you just said that to me about me being your "mommy". He then brought up an incident 5 years ago about me begging him not to go to Vegas for work. I was pregnant with a difficult pregnancy (on bedrest)and didn't want to be left completely by myself. He said he was packed and about to leave when I called but told the other guy who was going that he couldn't go because of me and he resented me for it.

It was weird and completely out of the blue.

So, yeah, maybe he doesn't want to be a husband and father...at least not to me and our kids...and is trying to push us away so that he can have his own life.

I'm actually kind of scared. His parents are encouraging me to drop the home-based business and have more time for myself. IF I do that while their son is pulling this stuff and seemingly trying to make up his mind about whether or not he wants to stay, I'll have nothing if he leaves. I've gotten myself into a corner, dropped everything for their son, helped him through school, supported his goals and now I don't know that he wants to be my husband anymore.

 

[genifer]

Jenn, maybe you should have him read this thread. Seriously. I know how hard it is tho. Get thru Christmas, focus on Christ. Be pleasant to your dh. Change any bad attitudes you may have. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you if you need changing. You may need to begin with yourself. Another good book is The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. No book will offer a cure all. You are in this now for the long haul. No one said this marriage thing would be easy and for you it will most certainly not be. I would show your dh that you care. Put aside any automatic reactions, with the help of Holy Spirit and just realize that even if he isnt having an affair your marriage is in trouble. You are not the first person to be going thru this and you are not alone. At this stage, discussing this with your dh is probably going to be no fun. Dig your heels in. Stay close to Christ because this will hurt. This will be difficult. Im only saying this so you can be prepared. Your hope is in Christ. Your life is in Christ. Every happiness and joy you have... is in Christ alone.

love ya!!
gen

 

[sdmsanjose]

Jen 12-23-07

IF he does feel trapped you have reason to be scared. He may FEEL trapped because he no longer can do all the things that he did when he had fewer responsibilities.

You notice that I said, “FEEL” trapped. I say that because it is a feeling and feeling are often unreliable. Trapped is a word that is sometimes used to justify not accepting responsibility. Your husband decided to get married, he decided to have children, and decided to call himself a Christian.

When he chose to get married, have children, and become a Christian he took on responsibilities and some of those exciting youthful freedoms have to be put in second place, and some have to be done away with altogether.

Marriage, children and following Christ require sacrifice, commitment, and Christian love to name a few. I know that sounds corny but ask yourself, do they work? That is really what matters.

Your husband knows exactly the answer and said it himself when you asked him a question. Your post quote says:
I asked him to define "born again". He said, "It's where you put Christ first in your life and live for Him".

Jen, I noticed that when you showed him that you are going to take action because of his failure to accept his responsibility he was then nice. Sometimes consequences are the only thing that gets people’s attention that are selfish or irresponsible. I hope that you two get the help you need before more consequences occur.

Jen, you may not know it but you were following some of Dr. James Dobson’s advice in how to take action to prevent destruction of a marriage. I hope you get that book “Love Must Be Tough” real soon.

I am giving you my thoughts on your husband only as I am a man and have been somewhat like him in the past. I know that in order to resolve marriage problems that both partners have to find out how to make it better then DO IT!!! Both must be willing to take godly instructions and follow through.


SDM

 

[joyful11]

Jen,
Sorry for the delayed reply. You said,
"How did you end up handling your situation, if I might ask? How did you find out?"
I didn't suspect that my husband was having an affair. I never thought he would...I thought maybe he was looking at inappropriate content...which he's struggled with for a long time and often has the same reactions. One night, he told me he was going to a going away party for someone at work after work but was only going to stay for a half hour because he wanted to get home...which sounded really normal....he always loved Friday nights with our family. Two hours later he called and said he was staying for dinner. I never heard from him again until after midnight.....5 hours later. This was totally out of character for him. I pushed and pushed until he confessed that he was having an affair. Worst night of my life.

 

[genifer]

Jen, something similar happened to me. It was the worst night of my life too. 8 months ago now and things are better. I hope you are ok now. I know how painful it is.

gen

Jen,
Sorry for the delayed reply. You said,
"How did you end up handling your situation, if I might ask? How did you find out?"
I didn't suspect that my husband was having an affair. I never thought he would...I thought maybe he was looking at inappropriate content...which he's struggled with for a long time and often has the same reactions. One night, he told me he was going to a going away party for someone at work after work but was only going to stay for a half hour because he wanted to get home...which sounded really normal....he always loved Friday nights with our family. Two hours later he called and said he was staying for dinner. I never heard from him again until after midnight.....5 hours later. This was totally out of character for him. I pushed and pushed until he confessed that he was having an affair. Worst night of my life.

 

[skipper]

I was in this same situation a while back. Please take a minute to stop and think. My husband was feeling neglected and went to find companionship somewhere else. We got into a huge fight over him talking with other women, he never actually cheated. After the fact we talked about it and he said all he wanted was a little more time with me alone, not talking about the bills or kids or work, and he felt like he didn't have a way to tell me this. He was use to me focusing on us, and that stoped once we adopted our children. He needed me to focus on us. So we did and still do once a week is our night I fix myself up, and we do something together even if we have to put the kids to bed a little early and just have a quiet dinner together. We talk about us. So before things get to the breaking point, have the inlaws take the kids for the evening and put a little spark back in your marriage. I know that it seems like a lot of extra work for you, but it could make the difference.

 

[HisdaughterJen]

Thanks, guys!

Hubby is acting so much better. I'm still perplexed as to his change in attitude for the better but am rolling with it...and very thankful. We started going to church as a family and praying as a family three weeks ago. I had to pick up a part time job in addition to the home biz and taking care of the kids so hubby has to watch them two days a week while I go to work for a change.

I don't know if I finally got my feelings across or if God spoke to his heart or if he's just hiding whatever he's up to better (hope not) or he realizes that the family is falling apart and I can't keep it together alone. I hope it's a permanent attitude adjustment. We are working well together now.

 

[LTRoss]

Congratulations! We'll be praying that you can sustain! See if you can get your DH into a men's group at church... keep his eyes on the prize!

God bless,
LT

 

[eieiowe61]

I love reading posts with a happy ending

My husband has a problem with seeing nothing wrong with female relationships or what I consider inappropriate emails to other women when I confronted him about it. He is NOT lonely and I try hard to be a great wife. I think it's just a huge disrespect for women in general based on his upbringing. Please join me in prayer that God will open his eyes to the great harm he's doing in our marriage. I keep everything bottled up, because previous confrontations brings out his angry side. I hate doubleminded people.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Thanks, guys!

Hubby is acting so much better. I'm still perplexed as to his change in attitude for the better but am rolling with it...and very thankful. We started going to church as a family and praying as a family three weeks ago. I had to pick up a part time job in addition to the home biz and taking care of the kids so hubby has to watch them two days a week while I go to work for a change.

I don't know if I finally got my feelings across or if God spoke to his heart or if he's just hiding whatever he's up to better (hope not) or he realizes that the family is falling apart and I can't keep it together alone. I hope it's a permanent attitude adjustment. We are working well together now.

Maybe him spending time with the kids and you working outside of the home has changed his perspective.

 

[HuntingMan]

I'm at my wit's end.

I've suspected for nearly a year that my husband is, at the very least, interested in someone at work. I can't prove anything and he always has a reasonable excuse.

When confronted, he says he's mad at me because the kids have messed up something or things aren't clean enough or I'm not in good enough shape. Since his parents have arrived in our city for the winter, he's been nicer but there's still an underlying issue that I can sense.

He comes up with excuses for everything and talks to me like I'm crazy when I've asked him what's going on. So, I've stopped asking and am beginning to think maybe I am crazy.

I know what I am feeling (sensing) which has always been true throughout my life. I can't prove anything...it's all circumstancial. I feel like something is up but he's playing mind games to make me think it's all in my head.

1. Doesn't take responsibility as head of the household
2. Doesn't wear his wedding ring
3. Doesn't go to church (he'd rather sleep)
4. Doesn't pray except if I say "let's pray" at mealtimes and then I'm the one who prays 'cause he doesn't want to.
5. Speaks very highly of and spends a lot of time with two particular women at work...goes out to lunch with one or the other almost daily.
6. Spends nearly all his time at work, sleeps and lays around at home.
7. Very mean and highly critical of me.
8. Very mean and highly critical of our 5 year old - I feel like I have to run interference.
9. Makes sure there's time and money for his pursuits but I haven't done or purchased anything for myself in over 5 years. I did buy lotions for myself at my birthday 2 years ago and I go to the salon for a good hair cut and style once every year or so.

Please tell me I'm not insane.

Doesnt sound insane to me at all.
A couple items on that list are very typical of someone involving themselves emotionally with someone else.
I dont know what it is about human nature, but it almost seems impossible to escape certain 'tells' when a person is messing around where theyre not supposed to.
My exs were veteran adulteresses, but even they couldnt fake it and not present the symptoms like the being hypercritical and accusing me of things that would never even enter my mind to do.

Of course, this all depends on your husbands demeanor before all this started. If hes ALWAYS been like this, then its less of an issue as far as worrying about any affair, but if its come into play since these women have, then Id definitely say there is some emotional involvement on his part (at the very least).

Regardless tho, I dont think you are insane at all. Based on your post, your husband definitely seems to present symptoms of a man contemplating involving himself with another woman.

 

[HuntingMan]

Originally Posted by HisdaughterJen
Thanks, guys!

Hubby is acting so much better. I'm still perplexed as to his change in attitude for the better but am rolling with it...and very thankful. We started going to church as a family and praying as a family three weeks ago. I had to pick up a part time job in addition to the home biz and taking care of the kids so hubby has to watch them two days a week while I go to work for a change.

I don't know if I finally got my feelings across or if God spoke to his heart or if he's just hiding whatever he's up to better (hope not) or he realizes that the family is falling apart and I can't keep it together alone. I hope it's a permanent attitude adjustment. We are working well together now.

Sorry, should have read the whole thread thru

Glad to hear things are better.
Sometimes a spouse can shake these things off and get back on track.
Prayfully thats what has happened here and your husband knows where he is supposed to be.

 

[TexasSky]

I'm at my wit's end.

I've suspected for nearly a year that my husband is, at the very least, interested in someone at work. I can't prove anything and he always has a reasonable excuse.

When confronted, he says he's mad at me because the kids have messed up something or things aren't clean enough or I'm not in good enough shape. Since his parents have arrived in our city for the winter, he's been nicer but there's still an underlying issue that I can sense.

He comes up with excuses for everything and talks to me like I'm crazy when I've asked him what's going on. So, I've stopped asking and am beginning to think maybe I am crazy.

I know what I am feeling (sensing) which has always been true throughout my life. I can't prove anything...it's all circumstancial. I feel like something is up but he's playing mind games to make me think it's all in my head.

1. Doesn't take responsibility as head of the household
2. Doesn't wear his wedding ring
3. Doesn't go to church (he'd rather sleep)
4. Doesn't pray except if I say "let's pray" at mealtimes and then I'm the one who prays 'cause he doesn't want to.
5. Speaks very highly of and spends a lot of time with two particular women at work...goes out to lunch with one or the other almost daily.
6. Spends nearly all his time at work, sleeps and lays around at home.
7. Very mean and highly critical of me.
8. Very mean and highly critical of our 5 year old - I feel like I have to run interference.
9. Makes sure there's time and money for his pursuits but I haven't done or purchased anything for myself in over 5 years. I did buy lotions for myself at my birthday 2 years ago and I go to the salon for a good hair cut and style once every year or so.

Please tell me I'm not insane.

If he refuses to wear his wedding ring - SOMETHING is wrong.

And, even if he is not cheating, obviously the marriage is in a bad place. You need to demand counseling and answers.

 

[HisdaughterJen]

If he refuses to wear his wedding ring - SOMETHING is wrong.

And, even if he is not cheating, obviously the marriage is in a bad place. You need to demand counseling and answers.

Yeah, I've let him know that I don't appreciate those women sending him text messages while he's off work. I've started to check his text messages and one of the women from his work is getting personal...telling my husband about her kids (she's divorced) and stuff.

I tested him to see what his reaction would be if I made a critical comment about this other woman's appearance. They had employee photos taken and I saw what she looks like. I told him that I didn't think she was very attractive and that she reminded me of Kathy Griffen. He rose up in her defense, said he thought she was very attractive...not a good sign...and unusual for him to do so.

He's gone back to barely talking to me again and acting weird....but at least he's going to church now.

 

[HisdaughterJen]

Something kinda funny...his "girlfriend" text messaged him on his day off and asked if he would be "on call" with her since another guy wanted the day off.

I told hubby AGAIN that it bothered me that they bug him on his days off. I suggested he tell her no and that he had plans with his wife and kids. He said he just wouldn't answer the text. Well, I did it for him. It said, "sorry, got plans w/wife & kids".

I guess she said something to him about it. He hadn't been at work 3 hours and he calls me up all flustered and says, don't send text messages for him. I said, that message was something you should've sent yourself...why what happened? He told me that this woman asked him about it. I asked specifically what she said and he wouldn't tell me.

So, undoubtedly a text about plans with wife and kids insults his "girlfriend". A normal conversation would be, "Can you fill in for so and so?" answer; "sorry, got plans with wife and kids". End of conversation...no further discussion. And yet something about the message "got plans w/wife and kids" is worth bringing up again the moment you see him?

It was an interesting and enlightening test...I was right about what I suspected would happen and now to let the implications of it sink in...

 

[dayknee]

Something kinda funny...his "girlfriend" text messaged him on his day off and asked if he would be "on call" with her since another guy wanted the day off.

I told hubby AGAIN that it bothered me that they bug him on his days off. I suggested he tell her no and that he had plans with his wife and kids. He said he just wouldn't answer the text. Well, I did it for him. It said, "sorry, got plans w/wife & kids".

I guess she said something to him about it. He hadn't been at work 3 hours and he calls me up all flustered and says, don't send text messages for him. I said, that message was something you should've sent yourself...why what happened? He told me that this woman asked him about it. I asked specifically what she said and he wouldn't tell me.

So, undoubtedly a text about plans with wife and kids insults his "girlfriend". A normal conversation would be, "Can you fill in for so and so?" answer; "sorry, got plans with wife and kids". End of conversation...no further discussion. And yet something about the message "got plans w/wife and kids" is worth bringing up again the moment you see him?

It was an interesting and enlightening test...I was right about what I suspected would happen and now to let the implications of it sink in...

Jen...confront, confront, confront.

Be stronger than me..dont play games..
it really is completely unnacceptable that any husband would be texting another women. Aside from necessary work related things like is he on call and someone texts him from work or something, texting anyone of the opposite sex that is not your spouse is wrong.

 

[Pinki]

How are things going now Jen? Have you made any further progress?

I hope things are going well and that you are being open and honest with each other.

There is this funny little thing called "women's intuition" - you "know" what is happening! I think you just need to make a call as to what you are going to do about it.

Leaving isn't always the easy option, but it may be better in the long run. Don't allow yourself to be treated like a fool and/or a doormat. You deserve better!

 

[SearcherKris]

oh, Jen! I'm so sorry to hear about all of this.

Granted, I'm speaking from the perspective of a person who is in the process of getting a divorce, but I am very concerned for you.

Church can be used as a front when people want to look good. Sometimes when you put pressure on people to do the right thing and change, they will do something that is very obvious and earn will them brownie points. It is manipulation. I'm not saying this is what your husband is doing, but it looks suspicious to me.

I could have written almost everything you have written about your husband regarding mine, just with a few different details.

Please do yourself a favor. Get tested for STD's. You can be infected with something without having any symptoms as far as you can you tell, but they are still very harmful. I've been given Chlamydia more than once from my husband. It has few symptoms which are mild, and is easily cleared up with an antibiotic. However, if it is left untreated it can cause pelvic inflamatory disease, and can lead to the necessity of hysterectomy. HPV, which causes cervical cancer, has no symptoms, but it can be treated and prevent the cancer it causes. Herpes can take a while before you have your first outbreak. HIV has no symptoms.

Seriously, you need to do this for yourself, and for your children's future. There are places where you can get cheap or free testing for STD's and it is confidential. Your husband can't even find out about it if you don't want him to.

It is better to be safe than to be sorry. Knowelegde is power. Find out and be safe.

 

[SearcherKris]

It takes two to make a marriage reconcilation. If your husband is not going to be forthcomming, and is not willing to seek counseling, pastoral or otherwise, then I would say that his heart is not in restoring or maintaining you marriage.

Have you read, "Boundries in Marriage" by Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud? It is a very good resource that will help you to understand how to put boundries in place, and how to say, "This is not acceptable. It must stop, or there will be consequences," without sinning or steping on the other person's rights. It give righteous ways of confronting sin and dealing with conflict.

My marriage reached a point in which I had to say, "Either you want to change and grow with me, seeking healing for our marriage, or you don't. Let me know what you are going to do, so I can decide what I will do."

I'm praying that God will give you peace and clarity of mind so that you can make the right choices for you and your family.