Don’t have strength to fight anymore

[HorizonBlue]

really don't know what to say, it's the first time I’m posting something on any kind of forum...i also have a problem...
its even hard for me to ask for some help (now my palms are sweating while im writing this) because i feel i don’t have the right to bother other people, so im not talking with anybody about it...
ive just spent 10 days closed in my apartment, not doing anything...i don’t want to be like that...but its just stronger than me...it takes me hours of self motivating songs, videos, stories and finally praying to get out of it...so what’s the use of me then? I’m concentrated on myself most of the time, trying to break free out of self-pitty, resignation and depression...and no: none of my friends would understand it and im not that close with my family...
i feel ashamed because of this, because Im weak, because my trust in God's plan is not strong enough and that paralyzes me...it’s like I’m frozen in a moment, just waiting for a day when i will die..

some days are better, but most of them are really bad...its even worse when i have a rare good day and i start thinking there's nothing wrong with me-then i forget about God and praying...after that, when the dark cloud returns, i feel unworthy of even talking to God and asking for him to deliver me from this condition, as i abandoned him for one brief moment of joy...how many times can He forgive me until He realizes im not worth of His love...how many times will He get me out of it and how long will it last?

dont want start taking an antidepressants again..it only makes me dull and unable to think clearly...

but im fighting it...and loosing every single day...dont know how long will i last...I'm terrified of a thought about the worse outcome...no, i won’t do it, just feel like im having a sub-program running in my head searching for a logical explanation why would it be ok to do it....im just afraid-what if i find one?

is this life is supposed to be? to fight with yourself every single morning to get up or not...to go out of the appartment even if you're afraid to do so? it takes so much power to do even the simplest things? how long can i go thinking i deserve a rest after being able to force myself to take a shower, or to get out in the fresh air, or to do some really simple everyday thing? its not like i could make a career out of that special super-power, right? :/ you just can just imagine how does it feel like having a too heavy stone on your back wherever you go and you're not getting used to it...
i used to do a lot of sports and i know and i have experienced it that tomorrow you can do more than you've done yesterday: to jump higher, to run faster or to be stronger...but with this, the weight is always a bit more than i can handle...and the worse thing is that i can't see my enemy, my demon-it always attacks the weakest place or leaves me to think i've won, just to come back in a sneaky way and to catch me with my guard down...

Lord, I'm tired of this battle...and I simply don't feel like I have the right to ask You again and again to help me defeat my own self and to find my true self...there are probably some people who need Your presence, love and guidance more than this sad soul...

i don't see the way out of it...don't see the purpose and the meaning of all this...sometimes i even think that i must be a really funny for Him to look down on us humans-he gave the gift of eternal life and we spend our time on Earth being depressed and totally useless...

what to do? where to start all over again, like im starting every single day and loosing every single battle (day)...
and even more funny thing is that im perceived as an successful 27.y.o. by my surrounding...but it’s all lie, self-marketing...i truly feel like a fake...
another funny thing is that its usually late at night my demon (please, don't mind me calling it like that-i even dont like mentioning word "depression") lets me go so i can get a small piece of hope...which is crushed all over again in the morning....

don't know what to ask you people...i just feel tired of it and don’t have strength to fight for myself anymore...

 

[Winter]

Dear HorizonBlue,

My heart goes out to you ((hugs)). I was exactly where you were at once upon a time - and I still have to fight hard to ensure that horrible demon of depression doesn't creep at my doorstep.

I understand what you mean by having a "weight" and having no motivation to do the smallest of things. I was there too.

I want to tell you there is hope. I want to tell you that whatever you feel right now does not have to be forever. But I know thats hard to understand when one is in the throes of a depression.

Having faith means that hope does exist beyond the horizon of your cloud - and while you haven't found it just yet, you must at the very least believe its existance is out there. Start small. Take baby steps.

Sometimes I believe it takes absolute sheer will to overcome this beast of depression. It was raw will on my part that I was determined to do whatever I needed to get over this.

Do not be afraid. God is with you. He loves you very much and wants you to be happy and well again. I will pray for you. Hang in there. If you need to chat, you can PM me anytime.

And please ... you do not have to be nervous on this forum. We are all here for each other. You are not a bother to any of us.

Praying for you ...

 

[BlessEwe]

Welcome HorizonBlue!
What Winter said was so beautiful and true. We are so glad you are here with us.There is a great group of wonderful people here in the Cf recovery forum. God does care so much for you and as Winter said there is Hope through the Blood of Jesus Christ.

I am praying for you.

 

[HorizonBlue]

thank you, Winter...it means a lot to me that someone answered my post...
i know you said it and you probably mean it when you wrote that im not bothering you or anybody on this forum, but i still feel the same about it-its like im feeding on somebody's emotions, time and effort and i dont want to be like that because it seems so egoistic...it took a lot of effort even to write that what i wrote, but just had to force myself to do something against my demon...
maybe i will PM you some day, i am truly thankful for that...I'm just afraid to lean on other people, because who wants to keep on hearing complaints and depressive thoughts every single day...Ive learned its best to pretend everything's fine, because people (usually) dont understand and dont want to be bothered...(I'm repeating myself, i know...)

and i know this demon will not be here for ever....its just that nothing has helped so far and it seems to be here for too long while my life is just passing by...

 

[keryakos]

Hey bro you are no bother we care about you and we will lift you up in prayer .

I suffer from severe depression OCD Anxiety disorder and likely a few others plus i have been through a great deal of crap in my life so i do understand how you feel

Sometimes we just need a hug or a helping hand or just someone to lend an ear we are here for you send me a message anytime you want to talk ..

Remember no mayyer what you are going through God does love you and so do others


Andy

 

[HorizonBlue]

Thank you, BlessEwe...
i'm am consciously aware of everything what you and Winter wrote-thats not the problem...i just dont feel there's hope and every single day is showing me that things don't get better...maybe sometimes i even make one step forward, just to be knocked out even harder and returned 100 steps back...
how do you fight it? you say to have hope, but i just dont have it...the more hope i have, it takes longer to recover after another depressive epizode because its telling me that no matter what i do or say, my demon will be back even stronger taking away a small piece of hope i succeeded to gain for myself with tremendous effort...

 

[HorizonBlue]

sorry, people...can't send PM even if i would want to...im new to this and it says i need to have at least 15 replies on my post...

 

[BlessEwe]

I am not a professional and perhaps you need to be reassessed again by a Dr. who can work with you, and try another medication. Sometimes it takes a few to find the right one that works for our brain. It is not really fighting it, I am a recovering addict and basically it is reaching out for help. Looking at the quality of life of being in isolation and way down. This is when we go to meetings, and many take medication. I am not saying you are a addict, but we both deal with situations of the brain.
I am glad you came here, because as I said there are many here who deal with this and may have some good support for you.

 

[HorizonBlue]

i really didn't expect someone will answer my long post...but this is way more than i expected....
i understand, BlessEwe, but i just don't feel like going to Dr again- i dont want to be stigmatized as a crazy person...dont know, maybe that doesnt make any sense what i just wrote...all i want is to get some "tool" so i can fight it on my own...
but maybe you're right, since nothing helped so far..

 

[BlessEwe]

You know I didn't want others to know I am a addict, but guess what in recovery and the light is now where the dark was I am in a place where I don't mind. If others have a problem with it, well it is on them...lol But really no one needs to know unless you tell them. God will open the doors all you have to do is reach out, perhaps some others may have some good directions as far as meds go. Welcome!

 

[HorizonBlue]

[FONT=&quot]just wanted to say thanks to Winter..
and would like to know, if you can tell me and if its not too personal to ask, how did you manage to get out it...do you ever get out of it or you just need to learn how to live with it?
i feel like im fighting Borg from the Star Trek-it adapts to my strategy every time, day after day, for the last 3 years...
i know it takes the sheer power of will, but how do you produce one if the machine responsible for that is broken...

and thank you, BlessEwe for that picture you've sent me...

......i feel likey praying now.......
[/FONT]

 

[annrobert]

really don't know what to say, it's the first time I’m posting something on any kind of forum...i also have a problem...
its even hard for me to ask for some help

Thankyou so much for reaching out and sharing




(now my palms are sweating while im writing this)

You are very strong ,it takes inner strength to reach out.



because i feel i don’t have the right to bother other people, so im not talking with anybody about it...

We are all valuable and have the right to express our feelings,to ask for support
we all are God's sheep and desreve love and care.


ive just spent 10 days closed in my apartment, not doing anything...i don’t want to be like that...but its just stronger than me...it takes me hours of self motivating songs, videos, stories and finally praying to get out of it..




.so what’s the use of me then? I’m concentrated on myself most of the time, trying to break free out of self-pitty, resignation and depression..

Depression is an illness,an extremely painful illness.
To want out of the pain is normal.
Depression is no more the fault of the person suffering than any other illness.
You need time to heal,you need to give yourself permission and time to heal.There are many loving and caring and supportive people here on CF.
Many of us including me have been in the depths of despair and depression.
We understand the suffering that it causes.
Do you have a godly friend that you can share with and pray with you?
church support hopefully.
Also have you seen a doctor?



.and no: none of my friends would understand it and im not that close with my family...


People sometimes have a hard time understanding depression or another persons pain.The people here understand and care.Jesus cares.


i feel ashamed because of this, because Im weak, because my trust in God's plan is not strong enough and that paralyzes me...it’s like I’m frozen in a moment, just waiting for a day when i will die..

We do often blame ourselves , but that is not the answer ,we do not want depression or sadness any more than anyone wants to feel sick or suffer.
Some of God's strong prophets went through depression.Yet Jesus brought them through.

some days are better, but most of them are really bad...its even worse when i have a rare good day and i start thinking there's nothing wrong with me-then i forget about God and praying...after that, when the dark cloud returns, i feel unworthy of even talking to God and asking for him to deliver me from this condition, as i abandoned him for one brief moment of joy...how many times can He forgive me until He realizes im not worth of His love...how many times will He get me out of it and how long will it last?

Jesus will never leave you or forsake you.
Jesus understands completely and cares for us.
Jesus wants us to cast all our cares on Him because He cares for us.
Even when our minds doubt or wander our spirit still hopes in God.
Jesus is the Wonderful Counsellor,the Prince of Peace.
He never gives up on us.

dont want start taking an antidepressants again..it only makes me dull and unable to think clearly...

but im fighting it...and loosing every single day...dont know how long will i last...I'm terrified of a thought about the worse outcome...no, i won’t do it, just feel like im having a sub-program running in my head searching for a logical explanation why would it be ok to do it....im just afraid-what if i find one?

Hang on to Jesus and call someone or go to emergency room if you need to.Do not be afraid to ask for prayer from a godly friend or pastor.Jesus heals,Jesus comforts,Jesus gives us strength, and Jesus wants us to be there for each other.There are also crisis lines available.I hope you consider finding a good counsellor .Do you think that is possible?

is this life is supposed to be? to fight with yourself every single morning to get up or not...to go out of the appartment even if you're afraid to do so? it takes so much power to do even the simplest things? how long can i go thinking i deserve a rest after being able to force myself to take a shower, or to get out in the fresh air, or to do some really simple everyday thing? its not like i could make a career out of that special super-power, right? :/ you just can just imagine how does it feel like having a too heavy stone on your back wherever you go and you're not getting used to it...


I have gone through that kind of pain,I too have felt so weak and hopeless,and I so sorry that you are suffering like this.Many of us here on CF have been through this and we know how much it hurts and we care..Things get better,life gets better.Even when we go through it ,it seems forever,seems so hopeless,seems it will never end.Yet life does get better,we do heal,we do get stronger.Jesus is always protecting us and strengthening us.Jesus cares for us all through it.Jesus heals.Jesus gives us strength and hope.


i used to do a lot of sports and i know and i have experienced it that tomorrow you can do more than you've done yesterday: to jump higher, to run faster or to be stronger...but with this, the weight is always a bit more than i can handle...and the worse thing is that i can't see my enemy, my demon-it always attacks the weakest place or leaves me to think i've won, just to come back in a sneaky way and to catch me with my guard down...

Jesus restores our souls,he gives us strength.He makes all things new.

Lord, I'm tired of this battle...and I simply don't feel like I have the right to ask You again and again to help me defeat my own self and to find my true self...there are probably some people who need Your presence, love and guidance more than this sad soul...

We all need Jesus and He is there for everyone of us.

i don't see the way out of it...don't see the purpose and the meaning of all this...sometimes i even think that i must be a really funny for Him to look down on us humans-he gave the gift of eternal life and we spend our time on Earth being depressed and totally useless...

the pain gets less and hope and peace return.God will one day wipe all tears from our eyes and we will be with Him forever.Day by day Jesus protects us and gives us strength and will never leave us.

what to do? where to start all over again, like im starting every single day and loosing every single battle (day)...
and even more funny thing is that im perceived as an successful 27.y.o. by my surrounding...but it’s all lie, self-marketing...i truly feel like a fake...
another funny thing is that its usually late at night my demon (please, don't mind me calling it like that-i even dont like mentioning word "depression") lets me go so i can get a small piece of hope...which is crushed all over again in the morning....

I hope you feel better soon and that you feel Jesus comfort deep inside.

don't know what to ask you people...i just feel tired of it and don’t have strength to fight for myself anymore...

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Luke 4:18
The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,

Mathew 11

28Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

John 6:37
All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.


Psalm 23


1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.






blessings
annrobert

 

[HorizonBlue]

[FONT=&quot]Prayer against Depression [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]by Saint Ignatius of Loyola[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[HorizonBlue]

thank you, Annrobert...you've dedicated more time for answering my post than i could've ever imagined its possible from some person unknown to me...thank you for trying to help the complete stranger in his moments of weaknes..

crisis lines available.I hope you consider finding a good counsellor

I don't know, Annrobert...i don't have the strenght to do that....at least yet...don't know if you can understand it...

Jesus is always protecting us and strengthening us.

I'm a believer, Annrobert, and i know thats the truth...but i just feel really abandoned and left on my own; completely empty inside...when even praying seems to be too hard thing to do...

thank you once again, Annrobert, it really means a lot to me...

 

[miss-a]

I know you said you can't pm, but I just sent you a pm and I think it went through to you. I want you to know that my depressive symptoms have been much like yours. I am beginning to pull out of it. As the song says, "There's a light at the end of this tunnel, shining bright at the end of this tunnel for. so keep holding on." He has deliverence for you. You're His. You are in the palm of His hand right this very moment. He has a solution for you, true healing. And He will use this dark season to bring great glory to Himself and great blessing to you and those you will minister to. The enemy will tell you otherwise, but the enemy is the father of lies. YOu belong to the Father of Lights. "Do not rejoice over me, my enemy. when I fall,I will arise. When I sit in the darkness, the Lord will be a light for me." (Micah 7:8). You are on your way up. The fact that you sought out this forum and posted here even when the enemy told you not, is proof that even though you can't see the Lord's light, you are in it. You hold on, brother. Help is on the way. Praying for you. And let me know, please if that pm doesn't show up. Blessings, A

 

[annrobert]

thank you, Annrobert...you've dedicated more time for answering my post than i could've ever imagined its possible from some person unknown to me...thank you for trying to help the complete stranger in his moments of weaknes..

I want to try to help,I know the pain and despair and suffering of depression.




I don't know, Annrobert...i don't have the strenght to do that....at least yet...don't know if you can understand it...

Yes ,I understand,I have been too weak myself.Depression just seems to go so deep at times. I hope it eases up soon.I hope you keep coming here for help also.



I'm a believer, Annrobert, and i know thats the truth...but i just feel really abandoned and left on my own; completely empty inside...when even praying seems to be too hard thing to do...

Jesus understands that,He will never be upset about that.I have thought he abandoned me .I felt dead and empty inside.It is very very painful.Still our spirit is safe inside even though we hurt so bad.Our spirit hopes even when we feel hopeless because Jesus lives inside us.
There have been times all I could do was just say Jesus help me.I was so weak and hopeless and in such anguish.I truly thought Jesus left me,even though I thought that I was wrong and Jesus had me safe in His hand.The pain is so deep though sometimes.pm me if you ever want to.

thank you once again, Annrobert, it really means a lot to me...

I see you like poetry
so I will post a few I wrote a few years back when I was hurting so very very badly.Hope that is okay.

Dear Jesus Where Are You
I wrote this poem in February 2007,
Dear Jesus where are You
Let me know what happened
When you disappeared from View
and my broken heart shattered

pieces fell among the dying flowers
darkness hid the sun and stole my hope
shaking my bewildered mind cowers
with confusion I wander and grope

Jesus open my eyes and heart again
Holy Spirit breathe into my being
in my heart come and rule and reign
You're better than all, You're everything

My Meat and Water calm my mind
Giver of vision and trust and every need
take my hand, don't leave me behind
start afresh and plant new seed

I cry and cry for the damage done
Lord only You can heal the wounds
my resources are just all gone
tired and weary ,I feel so ruined

So Jesus hear my cries and sighs
do not give up on me
Speak to me on the inmost inside
and Breathe new life in me .
February 2007

The Valley's Deep


the valley's deep
the forest's dark
are they not light to You
the tears I weep
the smoking spark
will rise to worship You



I long for You
The Melody
when You gallantly take my hand
the freshest dew
the harmony
when all shall kneel at Thy Command



the valley's deep
the forest's dark
are they not light to You
the tears I weep
the smoking spark
will rise to worship You


my fears are gone
I'm white as snow
I'm covered by the King of Kings
my ring is shone
my eyes aglow
my Groom has All Authority



the valley's deep
the forest's dark
are they not light to You
the tears I weep
the smoking spark
will rise to worship You


I cast my crown
before Your feet
my faith the subtance of Your Grace
now I bow down
Evidence Unseen
I am soon beholding Your Face


the valley's deep
the forest's dark
are they not light to You
the tears I weep
the smoking spark
will rise to worship You


Jesus you Lived
and then You Died
behold You 're Alive Forever More
in You I died
in You I live
in You I am alive forever more

Your daughter May 18 2007
These poems express my suffering and prayers in what I have gone through

 

[HorizonBlue]

I've seen your PM and all i can say thank you, thank you, thank you, MISS-A!!!!! God bless you!

personally, i would feel much better if i knew the reason for all this is something else than a depression...at least i would be able to visualize my "enemy" and concentrate on one thing...and not like now when it changes its ways of bringing me down all the time and not giving me the time to recover...

will take a look at this what you described...i would have never thought of something like this could be the cause of it...

thank you, thank you, thank you....!!

 

[Winter]

Horizonblue,

You remind me so much of myself! The first time I posted here I was hesitant - I felt like I was burdening others and didn't want to bother people. I've never liked asking for help or even asking others to pray for me - I feel like I'm bothering them. I still feel that way - but I realize realistically that folks REALLY WANT to help and pray for one another. After all, we are all Christians here. We all have a love for Christ - and it only comes natural for all of us to want to help one another.

[FONT="]and would like to know, if you can tell me and if its not too personal to ask, how did you manage to get out it...do you ever get out of it or you just need to learn how to live with it?[/FONT]

Distraction. Pure distraction. I had to distract myself from my depression. The more I thought about my depression (or the moment I sense it reoccurring), I have to do something to shift my focus or I'll just dwell on the fact that, "oh, oh. I can feel the depression. I can feel it taking hold of me." Dwelling in the throes of it enabled me to focus on the despair. And so I would have to shift my attention elsewhere - I would excercise, make plans, set goals, go for walks .. anything to take my mind off it. I would focus my energy on trying to help those who live in far more dire straits then I do - such as those who live in poverty in Africa and the homeless in my community. The pain was still there ... but it wasn't with me constantly because I forced myself to not dwell on the pain. It was will ... it was will telling me to keep moving. Just keep moving. When someone is in physical pain, we have to keep moving because if we stay in one place the physical pain intesifies. Same thing with depression ... depression is internal pain.

Through out it all, I would read the Bible, sit quiety in church, read stories of the saints, pray the Rosary, and always keep Jesus in the back of my mind. I knew He was there all along. You too must remember that - Jesus is always with you.

Take it one step at a time. Day by day. This is not forever. Jesus will deliver you from this. When you have enough posts, please feel free to PM anyone of us.

Its going to be alright. You hang in there.

Love, Winter

 

[HorizonBlue]

thank you for your poems, Annrobert! will copy/paste it (hope you dont mind...)so i can read them later whenever i feel like im alone in this...it will remind me of the fact we're not alone afterall and that other people also have the same inner battles with themselves as I (or you) do.
dont know what do you think about it, but i find that thought comforting...

 

[annrobert]

thank you for your poems, Annrobert! will copy/paste it (hope you dont mind...)so i can read them later whenever i feel like im alone in this...it will remind me of the fact we're not alone afterall and that other people also have the same inner battles with themselves as I (or you) do.
dont know what do you think about it, but i find that thought comforting...