do you ever wonder if you just made it all up?

[SearchingSister]

Hi everyone
has anyone else ever thought that maybe its all in your head? a couple of days ago i got into a fight with my older brother (who assaulted me the last time was a year ago) he claims that nothing happened.

and that makes me think maybe i'm wrong? Maybe it was just my perception of it? because i was always fearful that something like that would happen to me, so maybe when i was in that situation i just expected that i would be assaulted? i'm so confused

i feel like if i was wrong i have ruined everything, this has really torn my family apart and caused a lot of pain for many people. and what if it was all just cuz of my ability to blow things WAY out of proportion? plus its difficult for me to actually remember what happened clearly. anyway i feel so guilty what if i'm wrong? I dont even feel like i deserve to be alive. i'm all ears if anyone has anything to say....

 

[SearchingSister]

just to add to that....

in case there's any misunderstanding the fight with my bro was verbal its the time a year ago that i cant remember very clearly

 

[babykate5]

Hi,
First I wanted to say that I Love you and I know what it feels like to feel like you made it all up.

I am sure you didn't make it up. people don't just make up things like that. I am sorry you have to feel like you made it up Its a terrible feeling and I will be praying for you. You can PM me if you want to talk I am very sorry, Just know that your never alone.

Danielle*

 

[Bianca01]

Searching Sister,

You aren't making it up, it isn't just all in your head. Sometimes we "block" things out and they don't seem so clear. I remember your post regarding your brother caring for a younger sister. You were very clear then. Your brother is at fault here. He is causing the problems. Oh, wouldn't it be nice to just "sweep it all under the rug" (hide it) so everyone else can keep the family all nice and cozy. No! When you "sweep it all under the rug" ... one day you will trip over a big pile and still have to deal with it.

Please, please seek counseling from someone YOU feel comfortable with. Get it out now. I will pray for you.

Please don't let years go by without dealing with this. It may seem like no one is there for you supporting you, but, we are. It hurts to have your family torn apart... but, it already was... it isn't your fault.

You are important and precious in God's eyes. Remember that!!

 

[Duffy70]

Gosh. I thought I was the only one.

I think what you need to remember is that, regardless of whether it happened or not, the effect on you is the same and you still deserve support, no matter what your brother says. I'm sure what you remember is true, but should you ever feel really uncertain, please do keep that in mind.

Hang in there...

 

[aspirine]

Gosh. I thought I was the only one.

I think what you need to remember is that, regardless of whether it happened or not, the effect on you is the same and you still deserve support, no matter what your brother says. I'm sure what you remember is true, but should you ever feel really uncertain, please do keep that in mind.

Hang in there...

Duffy, I have to disagree with you. While the effect on her mind may be the same in either case, the effect on the family is vastly different. The difference is as great as that between truth and falsehood.

 

[ILove2Worship]

When my assualt occured it felt like I was having a horrible dream, and I went about 6 months thinking and praying that it was all a dream. But I now know it wasnt but its like denial I guess. I felt like how could I ever let someone damage me like this! But now I know the severity of it, a year later.

 

[aspirine]

The real creepy thing is when the feeling pop up again after years of being forgotten. It is called delayed onset ptsd and it is no fun.

 

[LillyDoll419]

It's sick that he would act as if nothing happened. What's really scary, is that he may have convinced himself of this. As long as you remember the truth though, it won't just up and go away. Be strong sweety!

 

[JolieHeart]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Of COURSE he will deny it, he would not dare admit that he did such a thing to his own sister. Stay strong and know that you are prayed for.

 

[LostUntilSaved]

I remember when my mom confronted my grandpa about what happened. He said he never touched me. The only one that believed he did it was my mom. Everyone else looked at me like I was lying. He never did admit it. He would always drink when he molest me.

 

[SearchingSister]

Hi all thanks for your comments, but I still have doubts.

I mean, I was assaulted by a stranger on a train some years earlier. So what if actually I interpreted my brothers actions as assault because of what had already happened to me?

 

[BigToe]

Whatever happened, what matters is it made you uncomfortable. That's the bottom line period. Someone, your brother, did something to you that made you uneasy and you didn't like it. If they meant it that way or not doesn't matter. It was how you experienced the situation.

 

[Nienor]

I was abused when I was young, and it was still unclear when what was finally came to light. Now I wonder if it happened..but the guy pleaded guilty, so that's some assurance that I"m not just crazy

 

[Nutella]

I remember when my mom confronted my grandpa about what happened. He said he never touched me. The only one that believed he did it was my mom. Everyone else looked at me like I was lying. He never did admit it. He would always drink when he molest me.

That post could have being from me kinda. My mom doens't want to believe me because he denied when she confronted him. He was also drinking. I think my mom just has hard time believing that she wasn't that careful as she always thought she would be.

 

[ForAMomentIWillFly]

Even the people who suspected what was going on I lied to. I eventually built such a thick wall of lies, I forgot why I feared so many things, and denied things ever happening.

I still wonder if I just made it all up. It certainly doesn't help when someone you trust tells you did, either.

 

[SearchingSister]

Exactly my thoughts. I have just gotten out of a psychiatric hospital for 7 weeks. I thought that finally my mum might start believing that i was telling the truth about my brother. sadly no, she just brought him to the hospital to visit me!!!! that just broke my heart. she doesnt get it. either she doesnt believe me or she's in denial. anyway i confronted her about it. i told her he's the reason i'm in a psych ward. you know what she said? she said its because i'm too sensitive and if it wasnt my brother abusing me, it would have been something else would put me in the hospital because i'm so sensitive

 

[.Sabre.]

Exactly my thoughts. I have just gotten out of a psychiatric hospital for 7 weeks. I thought that finally my mum might start believing that i was telling the truth about my brother. sadly no, she just brought him to the hospital to visit me!!!! that just broke my heart. she doesnt get it. either she doesnt believe me or she's in denial. anyway i confronted her about it. i told her he's the reason i'm in a psych ward. you know what she said? she said its because i'm too sensitive and if it wasnt my brother abusing me, it would have been something else would put me in the hospital because i'm so sensitive

How thoughtless of her! She probably refuses to believe that her son would do such a thing--as is often the case, people refuse to believe that someone they love has done something horrible and evil.

I used to tell myself "it's all in my head" too. It's not. What happened to you is as real as what happened to me. So if you're an extreme emo, so am I.

 

[nvrbnunloved]

Yep - I too have times when I wonder if I made it all up, or if it was really as bad as I think it was. Maybe I just misunderstood? But I know I didn't make anything up, or cause anything, and yes, it was serious. But it's taken a long time to start to accept that.

 

[Nutella]

One thing that just came to my mind is that we are questioning if it really happened because we want to be secure in our shell. We are trying to deny that it has happened and we suffer because our hearts know. To get better we need to accept that it did happen.....but now it is over. I did therapy for few months and I'm still on meds but the therapy tought me a lot.

There are three steps:
1. acceptance 2. forgiveness 3. healing.

This is the way I see things now. I know that many don't feel this way, but this is for me personally . I'm on step three now.