divorced; want to remarry

[dan00000]

Hello, I'll just get right to it. I am a divorced 28 y/o male. This is what happened:

We both played a dumb (ungodly) game on the computer. She met another on the computer and was "in love" with him. We decided to get divorced (I was pretty upset). She says she wants me to be happy and introduces me to a girl she knew on there. I was lonely and upset and it seemed good at the time, she was going through a divorce and we empathized with eachother. My now ex-wife wanted us to meet eachother and said she didn't care if we slept together and said in fact that since I hadn't ever slept with anyone else that kind of always had "intimidated her". So I did, and committed adultry, although my ex wife had already done so. I came to my senses the next minute and immediately regretted what I had done and prayed for forgiveness and called my wife to ask her if we could work it out and that I didn't want to get divorced... she said she did, but when I got back she didn't and kept on with the same guy from before I found out later. She was also playing a vampire role game out in town at all hours of the night. I stopped doing anything with that other woman and just wanted my wife to work it out with me. I was in the military and had to move, and my wife refused to go and said she wanted a divorce. After I left the guy she was with on the computer moved in with her and my daughters (two daughters); this guy was bad news... I did not want a divorce, I got very depressed, had a nervous breakdown and was seeing a counselor and I started to go back to church more and I got baptised and got hot about it again, and I know the things I did were wrong. I invited her to come to talk to the pastor with me and she did so but told him lies about me, then told my other counselor lies about me as well... (ie like I was abusive, when I wasn't). My pastor did not believe her becuase she was still in "vampire game mode"... anyway I begged her not to leave me and wante dto work it out, but she would have nothing of it. It took four years for the divorce to go through. My ex is about to get remarried.

I am over it now, and I know that divorce is a sin. But I also know that I am forgiven. But I have questions:

a) do I fall in to a biblical divorce since we BOTH commited adultry (although she did so first and in secret which is when I threw in the towel and I immediately repented and not in secret of that and feel awful for it- I'm not lying I have nothing to gain from that)

b) do I fall into biblical divorce because she deserted me and would not return, even when I went back to the Lord and then asked and begged with her and really did NOT want it (bear in mind she's living with that guy at this point)? I mean seriously, I would have done anything, anything to have her love me again. I had made mistakes in our marriage before it started with that other guy she had on the puter, but nothing catastrophic.

c) I have had a girlfriend for a while and eventually I want to marry her (we are not having sex, don't worry). She is not a divorcee, and we are both christians. Is this possible? Or rather, if I do marry again, would it still be adultery? Please remember that I did not want the divorce and was truly abandoned. Jesus got me over my depression about it; I couldn't do it on my own.

 

[Echoes Peak]

Hello, I'll just get right to it. I am a divorced 28 y/o male. This is what happened:

We both played a dumb (ungodly) game on the computer. She met another on the computer and was "in love" with him. We decided to get divorced (I was pretty upset). She says she wants me to be happy and introduces me to a girl she knew on there. I was lonely and upset and it seemed good at the time, she was going through a divorce and we empathized with eachother. My now ex-wife wanted us to meet eachother and said she didn't care if we slept together and said in fact that since I hadn't ever slept with anyone else that kind of always had "intimidated her". So I did, and committed adultry, although my ex wife had already done so. I came to my senses the next minute and immediately regretted what I had done and prayed for forgiveness and called my wife to ask her if we could work it out and that I didn't want to get divorced... she said she did, but when I got back she didn't and kept on with the same guy from before I found out later. She was also playing a vampire role game out in town at all hours of the night. I stopped doing anything with that other woman and just wanted my wife to work it out with me. I was in the military and had to move, and my wife refused to go and said she wanted a divorce. After I left the guy she was with on the computer moved in with her and my daughters (two daughters); this guy was bad news... I did not want a divorce, I got very depressed, had a nervous breakdown and was seeing a counselor and I started to go back to church more and I got baptised and got hot about it again, and I know the things I did were wrong. I invited her to come to talk to the pastor with me and she did so but told him lies about me, then told my other counselor lies about me as well... (ie like I was abusive, when I wasn't). My pastor did not believe her becuase she was still in "vampire game mode"... anyway I begged her not to leave me and wante dto work it out, but she would have nothing of it. It took four years for the divorce to go through. My ex is about to get remarried.

I am over it now, and I know that divorce is a sin. But I also know that I am forgiven. But I have questions:

a) do I fall in to a biblical divorce since we BOTH commited adultry (although she did so first and in secret which is when I threw in the towel and I immediately repented and not in secret of that and feel awful for it- I'm not lying I have nothing to gain from that)

b) do I fall into biblical divorce because she deserted me and would not return, even when I went back to the Lord and then asked and begged with her and really did NOT want it (bear in mind she's living with that guy at this point)? I mean seriously, I would have done anything, anything to have her love me again. I had made mistakes in our marriage before it started with that other guy she had on the puter, but nothing catastrophic.

c) I have had a girlfriend for a while and eventually I want to marry her (we are not having sex, don't worry). She is not a divorcee, and we are both christians. Is this possible? Or rather, if I do marry again, would it still be adultery? Please remember that I did not want the divorce and was truly abandoned. Jesus got me over my depression about it; I couldn't do it on my own.

Wow, what a situation.

I am not sure exactly what you meant by your ex-wife "played a game with another." But regardless, she, not just you, seems to need counseling as well. If nothing else, to work out whatever issues she had in YOUR marriage. Also, I would worry about your daughters-just in the sense that, if your ex-wife is as chaotic as she seems here, and this is just my interpretation from reading your post, then someone has to be the parent.

That being said, answering question "c" first, I wouldn't even begin to worry about re-marriage until you are sure that you have begun to work out the issues that developed in your previous marriage. It seems like there was a lot of pain that needed to be healed, and there's no way, you want that to carry onto a second possible relationship until that healing has happened.

Secondly, you did not clarify whether you were both Christians when you became married, so its kinda hard to answer the first two questions without understanding if that was or was not the premise.

 

[dan00000]

Sorry, I had a saving knowledge and grew up in the church when we were married (nine years ago) but I did not get truly saved until later. My ex wife wasn't saved and still isn't. There is nothing I can do about that.
As far as the counseling goes, that is not an option. She would not go then and certainly won't now after over five years since we split up. Her life is not chaotic any longer and she got out of the element she was in and kicked the guy she was "in love with" over the internet out of the house. My ex has lied so much for so long about our relationship there is no point to approaching her about anything. I can just be cordial for the sake of my daughters who have a good life now.

As far as I go, I know the things I did wrong and I was a lot youger when I did them as well. I regret not being more affectionate when I could have been, however that does not make someone do what she did. I did commit adultery, and wished I hadn't , but it was not my idea nor was it in secret. The issues that developed in my previous marriage will never occur again, I can assure you of that.

 

[desper84unity]

If I were in your shoes I would not remarry ever.

Jesus stated a very plain standard that to remarry when you have been divorced is wrong. Although, if you did remarry, because you are a Christian believer, who would not be condemned by God, you would not lose salvation. But since it is such a clear expressed standard of Christ to not remarry if divorced, it would not be a blessed thing to do go ahead and do, since the Holy Spirit would indeed be grieved.

I think the wisest thing to do would be to spend many months focusing on your relationship with Christ, by obeying his commands. You will have to pull out to the Bible the commands of Christ yourself, ask God to help you obey them, and then obey them. Ask God to each day to fill you with his Holy Spirit and then ask Jesus to live his life in you that day. Live expectantly, listening, and seeing through Christ's ears and eyes, submitting immediately to his desires. Then you will start to understand that is more blessed to live by every whim of Christ than by our own fleshly cravings. Things will be good then.

 

[dan00000]

Hi thanks for responding; what I do want to say is that my desire to remarry has nothing to do with fleshly cravings. That I can get over... it's the craving of a companion and a wife. I'm examining this in great great detail... when Christ spoke to the jews they were trying to bait him into confusing the issues which he did not do. They also were divorcing their (multiple) wives frivolously, which I had never done. I do want to obey Christ which is why I am looking at this with such great discernment. Also, none of this just occured.. my ex-wife and I split up over five years ago and she is about to be remarried. I am certainly not rushing into anything. I do know that I do not want it to be sinful. Please pray for me to know what is right.

 

[desper84unity]

Lots of people who are in a pickle say they are trying to understand scripture about divorce when the scripture that they are referring to is so simply stated and easy to understand. And you can undoubtedly find plenty of support from other pro-divorce and remarriage 'scholars', some of which will even be 'pastors'! But what you also find over and over, and constantly be reminded of, no matter what you are convinced of, is that Jesus' word on divorce and remarriage is plain and simple.

Regarding the excuse that Jesus was speaking to Pharisees and the idea that that somehow makes his statement about the divorced not remarrying not apply is bogus. If you compare the words of Christ on this in all three gospel accounts, it is obvious it applies to everybody, because during this session he spoke to Pharisees, the crowd, and his disciples. Even his own disciples found his saying too final.

But it is plain as can be, Christ said for the divorced to not remarry.

Our (I am divorced too) lives would be best if we obeyed the simple commands of Christ.

You have had a wife and a companion, for however short a time. You can get over the loss of your past marriage. You can find through divorce recovery classes, and individual counseling, and good christian fellowship, that can be satisfied without being remarried in regard to a companion. The only thing you won't have is somebody to sleep with, which if you think about it only hurts until you fall asleep, because after that your pretty much unconcious.

I would leave the girlfriend to let her find someone truly available, so she does not eventually marry you and commit adultery (by Christ's definition), which would be a harmful experience for her.

A realize this all this is a tough reality, but I went through it, and I know you will survive.

 

[AnnMercy2]

We all make mistakes. I know I've made them, you've made them, and every single person on this earth has made them. But by the grace of God we are forgiven and made whole again. And if it is the Lord's will for you to remarry then it will happen. No matter what anybody else has to say. I truly believe that if a person is divorced then it is okay to remarry if the Lord tells you it is okay. Just seek him and he will let you know what you are too do. Will be praying for you

Anna

 

[JillLars]

I think that you should pray, and talk with your pastor about it, talk with your girlfriend about it, mostly talk with God about it. This is a decision that only you can make, not matter what you choose there will always be those who interpret something differently and disagree with your decision. I will keep you in my prayers!

 

[cyberwing]

Dan,
I disagree completely with what has been said. Yes, Jesus said divorce was wrong, EXCEPT for certain reasons. He says clearly that HE wished it were not necessary!!! But HE also knows our sinful natures. There ARE reasons for divorce and sometimes, God never joined the couple in the first place. IN other words HE never blessed the union because HE was not in it.
There seems to be some rather harsh condemnation and judgement going on here. My advice to you is to pray, seek Him out. Do not take man's word about anything because our understanding is sometimes very faulty..... Also look for the answers that bear God's love, not man's condemnation.
Jesus does know divorce is necessary at times. Each circumstance is unique. Do what I did and seek Him out about it. Spend a LOT of time with Him in intimate prayer, talk with Him about it, ask Him to reveal His truth to you.
If you wish to discuss this more, please feel free to PM me. My inbox is always open....
{{{HUG}}}
~Cyberwing

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Dan, I'm concerned because I sense you still have emotional ties with your wife. Does your desire to marry have anything to do with her getting married?

First of all, I'd say you were unequally yoked. The problem brought you closer to the Lord, but apparently your wife is still in her mindset. So Paul says we are not bound under such circumstances. Jesus said that except for adultery, therre was to be no divorce. But there was adultery and your wife, who doesn't seem to have much interest in Christ, just wants out.

You're in the category for divorce. And because of the adultery, my understanding is that you can remarry; it doesn't seem absolutely clear whether Jesus was talking about the acceptability of just the divorce, or the remarriage as well, but it seems to imply both.

So now the question is, are you marrying so you won't feel so alone after your ex ties the knot, maybe to take the sting out of it by the time it happens? If so, this isn't a solid foundation for a marriage, and as much as it seems like a good idea now, you may not feel that way later.

Just a thought.

Blessings,
Whitehorse

 

[sunflower79]

I would like to say one thing...I clearly believe that God hates divorce BUT there are two places in the Bible (one of them in His sermon on the mount) where he makes ONE exception for divorce and it says "saving for the cause of fornication" or sexual sin... God thought it important enough to put that in there PLAINLY not once but twice. If He grants you permission to divorce on this one case do you think our LOVING God would set us free only to be alone and if so why would he set us free? As for your particular case I believe you are not able to remarry Biblically because you committed adultry as well...Another point I would like to make is that back in Bible times people would have been stoned for committing adultry thus putting the other person as a widow and FREE TO REMARRY!

 

[dan00000]

Yeah, I know I've thought about that and that we'd both have been stoned. (Although I'd have been a widower first... hrm) Even through the hurt, I could have never allowed her to be stoned if I could have stopped it, though... therefore i don't think I could have ever brought it to light if I had found out. Those guys back then too... they had many wives, female slaves and concubines. Divorcing for any reason whatsoever practically. It was crazy. The thing is that was before Christ as well... lots of things to consider here. God's grace for one. Moses himself, from what I understand, divorced his first wife and eventually married another.

To address my feelings for my ex... of course I still love her. I am not in love with her, however, and would not remarry her for anything (that too is forbidden in the OT, btw). I do wish she would get saved, and I do love her as I love anyone.

 

[sunflower79]

How long were you married?

 

[dan00000]

We were together for five years; it took a few years beyond that for the paperwork to go through, allthough that period is not really relavant...

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

We were together for five years; it took a few years beyond that for the paperwork to go through, allthough that period is not really relavant...

Dan, another option is to pray and fast, asking the Lord to open and close doors in accordance to His will. That would leave the whole situation in really good hands.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[sunflower79]

that is a long time. I just got divorced and I was married 6 years so I can feel your pain. It is never easy to go through a divorce whether you want it or not!

 

[kevin~]

God knows the inner most desires of your heart and he will always have better plans for you. keep praying, our Abba father will surely answer you because he loves you too much

 

[dan00000]

The more I read of the OT the more confused and, in the end, disheartened I get. It looks like to me that not only divorce was even more rampant then as now, but even sexual violence was not only accepted but sometimes even endorsed.
Sometimes I have to wonder are things now actually better than then, because of this. I cannot believe that anyone with the Holy Spirit could either do or allow some of these things to take place. It makes me doubt the infallibility of the Bible's authors... and I don't like that either.
Surely I may marry again out of love...

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Look at David and Peter. People have the Holy Spirit but don't always walk in accordance with the Spirit. Don't doubt the infallability of scripture because it hinders you from what you want to do. If you do, it will cost you everything. Absolutely everything, and you will bitterly regret it. God didn't create us to fulfill our own desires and walk through life building temporal things, but to glorify God and fulfill His plans.

Anything that is temporal will end. If you invest your heart, time, talents, and will in these things, everything you invested in will end as well.

The devil is tempting you-I'd seriously advise against biting the bait. The pleasures of sin are extremely short-lived. But the consequences are eternal. Anything that takes you away from God's word is an idol. And I have a feeling that the way to conquer this spiritual test is to forgive your ex. God may have better plans for you.

I tell you this in Christian concern and love.

Don't forsake your faith.

 

[dan00000]

I'm not forsaking it; I am just not understanding things... I do forgive my ex; truly, that's really not the issue. But she is gone... Sin seems to be inescapable fact of life, especially in this age of "in your face" flaunting of it. I feel much like Job sometimes in his confusion, although I know that i haven't been as good a servant. I'm not doubting the scripture because it prevents me from doing anything. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone ever...