Cutting off a toxic friendship?

[HighwayMan]

Does anyone have any experience when it comes to moving towards cutting off a toxic friendship? A situation where you are/were/thought you were very close friends with someone, though you had something special, but then you realize that the relationship is extremely unbalanced, and is doing more damage than good for you.

The thing is...the person I am thinking of is no way a bad person. I know that. Nor are they doing things intentionally to hurt me...but they are, very badly. Some days/weeks we feel like the closest of friends, but then they go do things totally contradictory to that, and act like you or what you say don't matter at all to them...

And I have done everything that I can think of to try and fix the problem. I have been as patient as I could be, hoping things will change over time, and I have confronted them directly and honestly about the issue, getting a mixed reaction - my friend kind of understands where I am coming from, but says that that's just the way they operate and I can't expect them to change.

I am very divided. On one hand, I think that maybe the problem is with me too, perhaps I am too needy of people sometimes. Secondly, I don't think Christ would ever recommend we turn our back on someone, even if they reject us in a way. Third, I really do love this person, they are one of the few people I know in real life that I can talk to about God, and I don't have that many friends in general anyway. Cutting them off would be devastating.

But on the other hand...continuing things this way is indeed very toxic, unhealthy and unworkable for me. I am always left questioning, second-guessing, doubting and distressed...and they disappoint time and time again. Even though they realize some things they do are not right, they continue doing them and that's that. Most importantly, as all the signs point and they themselves have said, there is no reason at all to expect that this will change. At this point, I just want peace, and although it will hurt, it seems like cutting off this toxic relationship is the only right course of action.

So, two conflicting thoughts, both very painful scenarios...which to chose? Should we always and forever be accepting of people, no matter how hard it is? Or is there a point where you just have to do something for your own good and break things off? I really am wondering.

Sorry to use plural so often lol btw, but the gender of the person does not really matter in this case.

 

[Winter]

I really feel that we should cut toxic people out of our lives. Especially when one has done all they could to fix the situation. In your case, you have. You've spoken to your friend about this and have been patient. You've waited and have given him the benefit of the doubt. You've given this person several chances. Had you not tried, I would tell you to not give up and keep working on this - but clearly from your description, you have.

The Christian approach to this would be to cut ties in a peaceful manner and to hold good wishes in your heart for your friend despite cutting ties. You should continue to pray for your friend.

YOu've tried. You've given your best. And now the next best thing you can do is to continue praying for your friend. But you need to move on - and so does your friend. Maybe he will consider his behavior with others next time. Maybe there is a lesson in all this for your friend. Sometimes we don't know the lesson until we experience a little bit of pain - and then in retrospect we understand.

Just depart from the friendship in a loving way. Hold nothing but good things in your heart from your friend, and continue to pray for him/her.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[Winter]

If its too painful, perhaps you could just ask for some space for awhile before cutting ties completely. This might be help and you may not even have to cut ties. Maybe you both just need space.

 

[St. Paul]

Does anyone have any experience when it comes to moving towards cutting off a toxic friendship? A situation where you are/were/thought you were very close friends with someone, though you had something special, but then you realize that the relationship is extremely unbalanced, and is doing more damage than good for you.

The thing is...the person I am thinking of is no way a bad person. I know that. Nor are they doing things intentionally to hurt me...but they are, very badly. Some days/weeks we feel like the closest of friends, but then they go do things totally contradictory to that, and act like you or what you say don't matter at all to them...

And I have done everything that I can think of to try and fix the problem. I have been as patient as I could be, hoping things will change over time, and I have confronted them directly and honestly about the issue, getting a mixed reaction - my friend kind of understands where I am coming from, but says that that's just the way they operate and I can't expect them to change.

I am very divided. On one hand, I think that maybe the problem is with me too, perhaps I am too needy of people sometimes. Secondly, I don't think Christ would ever recommend we turn our back on someone, even if they reject us in a way. Third, I really do love this person, they are one of the few people I know in real life that I can talk to about God, and I don't have that many friends in general anyway. Cutting them off would be devastating.

But on the other hand...continuing things this way is indeed very toxic, unhealthy and unworkable for me. I am always left questioning, second-guessing, doubting and distressed...and they disappoint time and time again. Even though they realize some things they do are not right, they continue doing them and that's that. Most importantly, as all the signs point and they themselves have said, there is no reason at all to expect that this will change. At this point, I just want peace, and although it will hurt, it seems like cutting off this toxic relationship is the only right course of action.

So, two conflicting thoughts, both very painful scenarios...which to chose? Should we always and forever be accepting of people, no matter how hard it is? Or is there a point where you just have to do something for your own good and break things off? I really am wondering.

Sorry to use plural so often lol btw, but the gender of the person does not really matter in this case.

Toxic people will only hold you down. Get rid of them. You could still talk to them on the phone or something like that but clearly they are not your friends.

I have a problem with toxic people as well. I have "friends" who keep taking advantage of me. I'm one of those people who lets others walk all over me. It started off with me going out of my way and helping them out a few times. Ofcourse, now all they do is expect me to do more and more for them. They never do a darn thing for me though. I have trouble saying no to people because I want everyone to like me.

 

[HighwayMan]

Thank you both Winter and St. Paul for the replies! Yep, cutting my friend off, but lovingly, as best I can, is the direction I am looking at right now. It is hard to be certain in these things though. I describe them as "toxic", but again, there are days when that is the opposite and I feel very close to them again. Which gives me hope, but that is always shattered again...it's hard for me to understand how someone can flip-flop so often. The fact that I know they are not doing it on purpose to hurt me is another confusing spin. In the long term though, looking at how the relationship has developed, and will most likely continue to develop, "toxic" really does fit.

Please keep onions/experiences coming everyone...the more thoughts I can read on the matter, the more it will help me. Thanks.

 

[Chococat]

I can relate to this as I was in a toxic "friendship" for a few years only mine was an online one. At first this friendship seemed wonderful but then it became obvious we just were not suitable for each other. It wasn't all the other person's fault as I was not exactly the perfect friend myself. In the end I stopped talking to them but the pain lingered for a long time. I have healed a lot now so I no longer get upset when I bump into this person (so to speak) on another site we both frequent from time to time. I think we can still forgive such people and love them but we don't have to hang out with them.

 

[Andres1986]

I have had to do this more than a few times. It can be painful, I still can not understand why it had to happen with the last time I did it. anyway I have applied this phrase to it, "to love from afar...." it does not make it easier it just reminds me of the bigger picture.

 

[HighwayMan]

*sigh* Life, and people are so confusing.

I talked with this friend again...they told me they realize that they use people and do wrong things and know that that is problematic, but don't want to/can't change that. Say it is just who they are.

Which sounds bad, but again, they shared this with me, they confided with me, and I feel conflicted about just letting them go lovingly...I always feel like you should stick with a person if you love them and keep hoping they will change...but then again, if the themselves don't really want that change, and continue doing wrong things...what else can you do but walk away?

I feel like I am strapped to a spinning wheel and have no idea where the marker will land...

 

[HighwayMan]

And update (probably last): This friend, after talking again, has told me never to bother praying for them again as they do not appreciate the sentiment. I mentioned it in the most loving of ways with pure intentions.

That is the end, I believe. Nothing more to be done. When you try to respond to people with love but get told not to bother, you just need to respectfully back away.

 

[Winter]

I'm sorry the friendship didn't work out. It is probably for the best. You did all you could to salvage it. Now its time to find some peace in your life. Maybe there is someone else out there that you are destined to become friends with. When one door closes, another opens. God bless you for trying.

 

[Criada]

I'm sorry, brother - it always hurts to lose a friend, but I agree it ids the right thing to do - particularly if the person doesn't want to change.
Praying for you

 

[kc990]

[Toxic friend.. I'm guessing by that you mean a friendship you can't handle anymore..?]

Lately, I've noticed I've become a 'toxic' presence to everyone around me. They can't seem to handle me anymore so they delve into negative assumptions about me. Athough I know something is wrong and I 'want' to change, my problem is that somehow I can't change. But it seems your friend doesn't even want to change..? Don't know if this has already been said but if this friendship really matter, I guess you could just say that you will be there for your friend when they need you, but keep a distance from them most of the time. Letting them know you're there should be good enough on your part. If they need to change, it can only begin with them. You've done what you can do. Also, don't mind too much in what's going on with them. I think a reason why it has become toxic is because it's affecting you..? Whichever it is that may be affecting you, just let it slide. Don't let it hit you and bring you down. Just treat it in a way like 'You care, but you don't care.'
You care enough for the person, but don't care enough that it will drag you down.. Don't know if that made any sense but that's mt 2cents.

 

[HighwayMan]

[Toxic friend.. I'm guessing by that you mean a friendship you can't handle anymore..?]

Lately, I've noticed I've become a 'toxic' presence to everyone around me. They can't seem to handle me anymore so they delve into negative assumptions about me. Athough I know something is wrong and I 'want' to change, my problem is that somehow I can't change. But it seems your friend doesn't even want to change..? Don't know if this has already been said but if this friendship really matter, I guess you could just say that you will be there for your friend when they need you, but keep a distance from them most of the time. Letting them know you're there should be good enough on your part. If they need to change, it can only begin with them. You've done what you can do. Also, don't mind too much in what's going on with them. I think a reason why it has become toxic is because it's affecting you..? Whichever it is that may be affecting you, just let it slide. Don't let it hit you and bring you down. Just treat it in a way like 'You care, but you don't care.'
You care enough for the person, but don't care enough that it will drag you down.. Don't know if that made any sense but that's mt 2cents.

No, it makes very good sense, and it's exactly what I want to do...but at the same time, I am a very weak person. No matter how much I try not to, not only do these things affect me, they consume every single waking moment of the day, get in the way of work, totally bring me down. Perhaps it would be easier if I had more friends, but I don't, and losing the closeness I have/had with this one feels to me like falling down a deep well.

 

[srjoanna]

All I know that this is soooooooooo difficult One moment you feel like you need to cut off this friend, then one second after you feel like you cant.

I hope and pray God enlightens you to make the right decision...and He will.

Biiiiig hugs...

 

[ChicanaRose]

Keeping a toxic friend around is not good for yourself, and also not good for that friend. If there are no consequences for his toxic behavior (such as losing the friendship), he will be enabled and encouraged to continue being toxic. Your friend does not seem like he is at the place in his life where he is capable of a mutually-healthy friendship. I do not think that you should resume friendship with him until you see a change in him.